Why do so many women stay with losers?

Perhaps they truly love them. Maybe they are needy people who cannot be alone. Maybe they live in hope they will change some day.

Story of my life, and I’d also like to know the answer. The current “loser” though, I’m having his baby and I want things to work, If that makes sense.

Because being with a jerk reflex their low opinion of themselves….

There are studies that suggest those with low self esteem feel more comfortable with someone that treats them badly than with someone that treats them with respect.

These same studies suggest those with a healthy self image are happier with a partner that treats them well.

We are always looking out for evidence to support our own beliefs…If someone is constantly helping you do this, you keep them around…..Even if they are an ass hole.

And, may I add, that’s it’s not just women who stay with losers; a lot of men stay in abusive and useless relationships for the same reason that women do. Co-dependency issues and low self-esteem as @j0ey said.

A lot of reasons it seems. The interesting thing to me is that you see women choose the same type of man over and over.

@thriftymaid Same excuses, too.

I have heard they are into trying to “fix” or change the bad boys and those type of guys.

But what really gets me is they often complain about it and as it has been stated they often seem to go right back to that type.

Hah! I left my drug shooting loser only to allow his homeless ass to live with me while he “got his life together”. It’s been a month and he’s gone from “I don’t want to do drugs.” to “Why are you blowing this out of proportion? It’s only been a couple of times, it isn’t like I do it every day!”
Yeah. I felt bad because it was cold out and he literally had nowhere to go. Now he’s brought a girl he cheated on me with back into the mix. He spent the night at his sister’s house, and I’ve told him not to come back.
No good deed goes unpunished, and I get the idiot of the year award. Flash! as I smile for the camera and take the trophy. “I’d like to thank my parents for teaching me low self esteem, and here admit that I deserve this award. Thank you!

ACTUALLY a guy once said something really interesting to me….

“you’ve dated nice guys right?”—he said

“yeah, I have”—I said

“and you broke up with them ALL didn’t you?”—he asked

“yeah, I did…”

“SEE”, he replied “Chicks always shit all over the nice guys, happens ALL the time…thats why so many guys are ass holes…because some bitch has broken them”

its worth noting that this particular boy has had his HEART crushed

@j0ey Yeah, but thats really beside the point. I’m more talking about.. why bother with a man that cheats on you. Make excuses for him. Yadda yadda.

@meagan I know…I answered that in my previous post…Im just high lighting that women often throw away the good ones….which relates to the fact that they dont throw away the bad ones.

@j0ey Cool story, Bro

@meagan….thanks

“Why do so many women stay with losers?”

It is not because there are “so many losers.”

It is because losers stand out.

I think basically it is a general lack of self respect for themselves, a fear of being alone. A belief they deserve no better. A dependence on people, no matter how futile. An inability to trust their capabilities, or they are trapped financially.

@Lothloriengaladriel Would you want things to work out between you if you weren’t pregnant?

Yep, it’s ALL about self-esteem, and the dreary dead horse of hoping they can ‘change’ the other.

I was guilty of that, marrying young and making excuses for bad behavior, nagging him to ‘change’, definetley some co-dependant traits, Oh brother! lolol

It’s a lesson many will have to learn….fortunetly I am a learner….I can sniff out a troubled man a mile away these days….like a vuture picking up the smell of death on the wind. lololololol

The age of ‘wisdom’ such a good place to be! :-)

Because they want to. They obviously get something out of it.

@Coloma now today you look purty!!!

It’s because the “nice guys” can come off needy and submissive in a relationship; the jerks can hold their ground and can represent dominance.

@PhillyCheese

I agree. It’s a lot easier to find that perfect puppy, the perfect blend of a golden retriever and a rottweiler! lololol

@Just_Justine

Hahaha…well it is amazing how ridding oneself of 180 lbs. of negativity and assholiness results in an instant face lift! The best beauty product ever…freedom & happiness! ;-)

Ladies, Stop perpetuating the loser species. Quit mating with them.

“Why do so many women stay with losers?”

Because they (the women involved) are losers.

@davidbetterman ah now that is what I was gonna say, but you said it perfectly

@davidbetterman

Um..no, that is not always the case.
A large part of it from my generation anyway, was the PROGRAMMING!

The old ‘stand by your man’ crap that messed with a lot of women.

Society primarily has programmed women to be the glue of family relations, to be the nurturers and caretakers….and men have been programmed to feel ‘superior’ and entitled to whatever their narcisistic little hearts desire.

Please re-adjust your blanket statements folks.

@Coloma crikey my mother did that, I didn’t, I stick by my point and @davidbetterman s

@Just_Justine

Well….I think that ‘loser’ is rather harsh.

There are thousands of reasons women stay with poor partners.

In my case while I was always independent in my thinking, I also became very aware of how I was programmed and THAT was a huge!

Lack of self-respect.

Stockholm Syndrome.

Fear of the pain that comes with dissolving the relationship.

The man has worn down the woman psychologically. Sometimes she is afraid to leave, because it will anger him and be a worse situation. There is some sort of statistic of women being killed by their SO when they finally leave, or finally file court paperwork, something like that?

Embarrassment and shame. Women don’t want to admit they tolerated bad behavior from their SO.

If there are children it is even more complicated.

@partyparty I would but I wouldn’t make it so obvious that I’m the only one trying to make things work, It means a little more that I’m pregnant, to me..

@JLeslie

Very educated answer.

There aren’t enough winners to go around?

I don’t think anyone, male or female knowingly mates with a loser. lol

The old ‘bait & switch ’ routine is common, especially with Narcissists and sociopathic types. They are very adept at showing only their ‘charming’ qualities until they have you hooked, then, the Jekyll/Hyde morph goes into action.

Theres a boatload of literature on these types and a lot of very together women still get conned and wake up to some serious pain with these character disordered guys.

Did I ignore some red flags way back when, absoloutley…I was not mature and wise enough to know what I was seeing clearly. Was I a ‘loser’, hardly.

@Coloma no because you left. If you’d stayed you would be losing. Losing at life, in the sense that one should receive what one seeks out. I would imagine most women seek out a loving caring, warm communicative person with whom to live and share life with. I was in a loser relationship and against all odds I left. It cost me dearly. No home, no car, no job and a child. If I can get off my ass and go anyone can.

@Just_Justine

I hear you…my situation was remarkably similar. When one wakes up, really wakes up to the hardcore pathology of another..whew! I’d have chewed my own leg off to get out of that trap, fortunetly, when the student is ready…...didn’t quite come to that, but I did ‘escape’ with my sanity, soul, & finances horribly damaged.

It was a long road to recovery, but worth every moment..I have never been happier than I have this past 7 years, and boy am I WIDE awake NOW!!! lolololol

@Coloma yeah we are pretty much on the same page :)

@Just_Justine @Coloma I’ve been following this trying to figure out why there seems to more male losers than female losers. Obviously, the question is aimed that way, but just thinking of the people I see in these relationships, it typically is the man that in some way or another controls the woman. I see the opposite as well, but why is that? More angles to use?

maybe because they themselves are losers.

Absoloutly, misery loves company!

My ex hated and resented that I was naturally happy and optimistic and creatively driven, in his anger and self-unhappiness he made it his mission to destroy every little joy I had.

He hated the fact that I could be thrilled with planting a $1.49 package of sunflower seeds or getting a kitten, or having a picnic when he needed the boats, the cars, the big ticket stuff to bolster up his fragile lack of self.

He hated that I was content and committed to what was important to me.

He hated that I HAD a strong sense of self.

He once told me that I was my own person and that no one could take that away.

He tried. lololol

It’s not worth the effort to create a separate account just so I can say this, so I’ll say it in my own voice. The cynical side of Jeruba says: (a) because they don’t think they’re worth more than that (and as long as they think that way, it’s hard for them to look any higher) and (b) because there are so many losers, and some women would rather be with a loser than without any man at all.

I think the culture has a lot to do with why so many men fill this bill. As for the women, it seems to be a self-reinforcing cycle.

I’ve seen both men and women break out of it, though.

@Coloma Your answer completely contradicts the definition of a loser. You certainly don’t sound like one.

How so?

My definition of a loser is any emotionally troubled and abusive individual that uses control tactics, manipulations, deciept and other extremely unhealthy behaviors towards another.

Whats yours?

I added the clarification while you were typing.

I’m sure there are cases where both partners are losers, but the women that get into these situations don’t always seem to be losers initially. They lose things getting out of the relationship.

Yes, agreed.

Often by the time anothers really damaging traits arise one is already up to their eyeballs in the situation and other responsabilities as well.

Dismantling an entire life structure is no easy task, but, in many cases it is necessary.

I think Ratboy nailed it “there aren’t enough winners to go around.” I’ll have to think that through a little more.

@Adirondackwannabe so true, thanks for pointing that out. You get loser people, abusive people, controlling people. It’s not always men. A lot of men are also manipulated and controlled and abused by females. I think the term loser is used when discussing men. I am not sure what they call women like this, bitches?

@Just_Justine @Coloma I think the second part of the answer might be she stays with the loser because he will not leave. He picked up on something he can use against the woman to control her or exploit her or make himself feel big and strong, and being a loser, he’s willing to use it. Is that anywhere close?

@Adirondackwannabe anyone can pick up things to exploit or control people, that just makes you an abuser.

@Just_Justine And winners are above doing that. Maybe we should replace loser with abuser. After thought: Loser is a better term here, abusers are just a subclass of losers.

@Adirondackwannabe I think loser as a word in this question is vague.

@Adirondackwannabe

Yep..thats a big part of the equation for sure.

Mine was like that exactly..he wouldn’t leave!

By pushing me to the edge of insanity with his crazy making behaviors and duplicity he was able to relish in his sociopathic power tripping and also give the appearance of being the ‘good guy’ who’s ‘crazy’ wife just woke up one day and ruined the family! lolol

But, as is often the case…give someone enough rope and they hang themselves. lol

His true colors have since been revealed to everyone…although I couldn’t care less, I was very secure in what I knew to be true.

However..it is another strong argument for karma…it is real and it will get you, one way or another, sooner or later. haha

Infact…funny and true story…his 1st girlfriend after we split was named ‘Karma’ !

And she was! Is that poetic justice or what? lololol

Let me try out this idea for size. Why are there so many losers? Because the the strong belief in the myth of romance and love.

The myth is that you can find your perfect mate, and that you marry the one and only person you are meant to marry. If you believe that myth, then a huge sense of cognitive dissonance will come over you when you find out that things are not going well in the relationship. This should not be happening! Where did I go wrong? Is it my fault?

Then, because of both sexism and the male fear of trying to comprehend themselves, it is mostly the women who try to do the work of the relationship. Of course, it can’t work if only one person is working on it.

The romantic myth suggests that everything will be perfect—you will live happily ever after. When it doesn’t work that way, you go into denial—both parties, I think.

What I think we need is a different model for marriage relationships. We need to expect there will be problems and we both will have to work on them. We need for men to understand this, because they are often the ones who refuse to go to counseling or blame their wives.

However, there is another myth that I do not think is helpful, and that is the myth that a cheater must be dumped over the side of the barge, preferably with cement boots. No one is totally good, and no one is totally bad. Men don’t cheat for no reason. It isn’t just a selfish thing, like women like to make out. Men cheat because of problems in the relationship.

If couples have the attitude they will have to work on things, then they will work on themselves. Many women who stay with cheaters understand that their man is not a bad guy. There are issues in the relationship, and he dealt with them that way, which was not a good way to deal with it, but that doesn’t mean he should be thrown away.

And yet, the rest of society thinks those women are losers. They can’t believe they have any self-respect, because any self-respecting woman would shove him out the door at the end of a shotgun.

Well? What does society know? Society is the group where if people get on an elevator and everyone else standing there is facing the back of the elevator, then that’s what the new arrival does, too.

Women stay with men for so many reasons. They don’t want to lose their “sunk costs.” They don’t know when to cut their losses. They believe things can be worked out. They have low self-esteem. We can cite reasons until we are blue in the face.

It’s not really helpful, though. I think we need to take away the shame of having bad relationships. We need to be able to admit we have problems and work on them without feeling like everyone is going to condemn us. We need to destigmatize therapy and marital problems, especially for men.

So that’s my idea to throw into the mix.

I can’t believe no one mentioned the very typical economic and otherwise dependence socialized into women since they’re wee ones. Many women can’t see themselves as single parents, as financially separate units, they just don’t know how, it’s too much to even imagine and they stay because they feel they ‘must make it work’.

@wundayatta
You address some excellent points….much of which I have studied in my lengthy quest for all things of knowledge. lol
@Simone_De_Beauvoir
Yes…very true.
I felt that way when I had a small child. Pretty overwhelming.
Although many women are extremely monetarily oriented, I could never be a gold digger….blech! lolol

@Coloma I’m not sure I understand. Do you have some wisdom to impart, or are you making fun of me? I don’t mind being the butt of a joke, but I do mind not understanding what is funny.

So many women; so many more losers.

@wundayatta

No, no…not making fun! lol

Just sharing that much of what you speak of is stuff I have read, explored…it resonates!

Those guys may be losers to you, but that doesn’t mean that the women you are talking about consider them losers as well.

@Coloma Ok. Thanks. I guess it was the “lol” that confused me. I thought that meant it was a joke.

Define looser.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir totally I think I did say that in my first post. A lot of women learn that later on rather than earlier on. Although my walking out was 26 years ago in a back ward country so I am a pioneer. ;) It’s all the media romanticism that makes females stick around too

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies
looser = “less tight”

@CyanoticWasp Got it… Thanks!

For a moment I thought she meant someone who “has messed up over and over in the past” as stated in the OP. You know, like Thomas Edison or Helen Keller. Losers like that. Losers like me.

But then I thought she meant “some jerk that doesn’t even care” as also stated. As if, someone who doesn’t care about “me” or act as “I” wish, is deserving of being tagged “Loser”.

The only “Loser” in this scenario, is the one who wakes up to suddenly discover that their SO, or Family, or Child, does not do things the way they think they ought to be done. To realize they are not in control of someone else and their actions, to lose control over another, that person is the real loser. The one who cannot accept others for the way they are, on their own path, insisting they act accordingly to the wishes of another, that person is the loser here.

Even lap dogs don’t always act right, but they may offer more satisfaction to some.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies

Agreed.

However….for those control freaks that do not wake up…the term ‘loser’ as well as ‘abuser’ still fits.

Check that.

Because winners might be good in bed, but not excellent.

@mattbrowne Why would losers be good in bed? And really you have got to start looking at life as more than an evolutionary imperative.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – I’m guessing here. I could imagine that some losers might be too obsessed with sex losing perspective when it comes to priorities in life. Their sexual “performance” might mean everything to them. But maybe I’m not a good judge. I’m not an expert in sociology. My view might be some kind of ivory tower perspective. I met a few real losers during my time in the army. My corporate job probably doesn’t mirror real life out there. Everyone in my family and extended family is quite successful. This might sound weird, I’m not sure where to meet losers and really get to know them.

$uccess has nothing to do with ‘loser.’

My ex husband was quite ‘successful’.

In his personel life and relationships he was a controlling, abusive, dishonest ass.

The world is full of sociopathic narcissists that are ‘successful’ in a monetary way, but woefully messed up interpersonally.

Lots of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. ” I’m more talking about.. why bother with a man that cheats on you. Make excuses for him. Yadda yadda.” Beside the reasons that brought those gals to those mooks once they have them the fear of loss over the desire to gain kicks in. Years back when I worked in a woman leaning service industry after they see you are not Gay and they get comfortable with you they tell you everything as if you were a bar tender for a dude. Many could not stand coming home to an empty house or not having a guy. When all the gals get together and talk about their guys, or go out and have a guy on their arm if you are the gal with out a guy you are like the 5th wheel. So, when the guy goes bust and turns into a douche they fear getting rid of him and being alone more than they desire to get a good man. Second to that is they chose him so to dump him will broadcast to all who know they are a couple that she goofed, made a mistake so she has to minimize how bad he is as to divert attention from that mistake.

Losers will always stay with other Losers, a good match.