Social Question

chelle21689's avatar

Is it ever okay for a bf/gf to stay the night at their friend's house that is the opposite sex?

Asked by chelle21689 (5450 points ) March 25th, 2010

My bf has done it when she threw a St. Patrick’s Day party at his female battle buddy’s parent’s house and everyone was drunk including him so he spent the night along with his brother and a few other people that were too drunk to go home.

Yesterday my bf and his bro spent the night at her place again. Since they don’t have a car they took a train to meet this guy at this one place selling my bf a motorcycle b/c he was thinking of buying it. They didn’t get it and it was late so the busses weren’t running and his female friend picked them up but then got a flat tire and couldn’t take him home so they stayed at her place again.

I didn’t hear from him all day yesterday until this morning. He said he was busy yesterday cuz she took him to go buy his motorcycle. I don’t think he cheated…she just got engaged which does make me feel a bit better but I feel like a guy shouldn’t stay at a girl’s place cuz something could happen eventually. Am I right?

Edit* I’m afraid it starts off innocent and then as he spends more time with her he’ll fall in love. He’s already spent a lot of time with her (other girls and guys too) in the army and training and hasn’t changed. He does seem to treat them as one of the “boys” but they are kinda attractive. Me and him are long distance at the moment. been together 4 years 1 year long dist.

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35 Answers

MrGV's avatar

If you know for sure he didn’t cheat on you, then I don’t really see the problem.

El_Cadejo's avatar

It comes down to trust really. If you trust he wont cheat on you, then there should be no problem, if you dont trust that, well then there are more problems in the relationship than just sleepovers.

cazzie's avatar

My guy stays over at a female friends house occasionally, only because he travels for work and ends up in the same city, so it’s a nice chance to catch up. She’s engaged now to a nice guy. She and my guy were never boyfriend-girlfriend, they were just friends. He always enjoyed visiting her and her two boys and there was never anything romantic about it, that I know of. I’ve met her and she had stayed at our place, too. Things don’t always have sexual motives or meaning.

zephyr826's avatar

I feel like if there are extenuating circumstances (drunkenness, breakdowns), that’s fine. I’ve spent a weekend with a long-distance friend of the opposite gender, and my husband was fine with it. However, it is my opinion that brief call is in order, just so that you know where they are. Not “checking in” to make sue that they’re faithful, but to let you know that they’re safe.

Pandora's avatar

I think it depends on the people. If she is spending more time with your boyfriend than her fiance than that is a problem. If the fiance is usually in the mix or was staying over night with them, then no problem. It just means they are a tight group of friends that like to hang out together.
I had lots of guy friends growing up who had girlfriends. The guys who would try to hit on me would be the ones who spent very little time with their girlfriends because she didn’t have time for him.
Before you become paranoid look at the whole relationship without bias.
If she is really in love than you may have nothing to fear on her end. However I’ve had a few guys fall in love with me when I got married because they envied our relationship.
Make sure he has nothing to envy. Your insecurity may come from knowledge that there is something not going well in your relationship, so address it.

Blackberry's avatar

Yes. It is always ok. What is not ok is trying control another persons life.

grumpyfish's avatar

Just a quick anecdote: one spring break, I was on my way to Iceland and me and my travelling companion (of the opposite sex) were staying over at a friend’s house near the airport (we lived in Pittsburgh, but were flying out of BWI). The only bed available was a single twin bed, so we shared it.

Just because you’re heterosexual and the opposite sex doesn’t mean it’s about sex.

chelle21689's avatar

LoL grumpyfish, I know that it doesn’t mean something always happens but I think that’s where I draw the line. Sharing a bed!! My bf doesn’t care that I spend the night with an opposite sex depending on the person. Me and our guy friend almost shared a hotel room to save money when we drove 8–9 hours to see him graduate from basic training.

Idknown's avatar

@chelle21689

sigh This goes back to what we were talking about before. If you can’t trust him, just dump him. Save yourself the trouble of late nights wondering ‘what if’.

Is it okay for a bf/gf to stay over a friends house of the opposite sex… what kind of question is that? Of course it’s okay! Do you want to control every aspect of him? Is it okay for a gf/bf to wear black shoes? To me, your question is as ridiculous as the one I’m asking.

Here’s the question I’d really like to ask you. Which would you rather have? A bf that will cheat on you if a pretty girl comes along? Or a bf that will cheat on you, but never meets those pretty girls?

To me – I think the answer should be: “I want a boyfriend that won’t cheat on me because he loves me.”

You have trust issues, and the more often you show him how insecure you are, so much so that he isn’t allowed to have girl friends – the problems will be magnified. Do guys cheat? Yes they do ma’am. But does your’s?

Trust is fundamental.

And if he is a cheater – restricting him from sleeping over a girl’s house is not going to stop him from cheating. Calling you will not stop him from cheating. So to me – your worries are moot.

If you don’t trust him, then dump him.

Cruiser's avatar

My ex used the same exact “excuses”. I don’t expect this will turn out well for you.

wonderingwhy's avatar

No problem at all, and in a healthy relationship I don’t see why it would be. I can’t count the number of times I’ve ended up at a female friends house (including ex’s) for the night for a variety of reasons.

If you have trust issues or concerns about his actions make them clear to him. If his actions don’t change or you still don’t trust him, move on.

grumpyfish's avatar

@chelle21689 It probably helped that my girlfriend (now wife) at the time is this friend’s best friend since they were very young, and knew full well there was no romance between us.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Different people have different levels of jealousy/comfort/confidence in their relationship. I wouldn’t care if my husband slept over his female friend’s houses. It doesn’t mean he will sleep with them, that’s ridiculous.

nikipedia's avatar

Do you think your boyfriend has no self-control or do you just not trust him in general? Either way your paranoia does not bode well for your relationship.

chelle21689's avatar

It’s not really so much cheating but more so emotional cheating I’m worried about. I’m worried that if he spends too much time with this person he’ll begin to fall for her. Feelings you can’t really control.

nikipedia's avatar

Is your relationship really that tenuous that you think putting your boyfriend in a room with a female for long enough will cause him to develop feelings for her?

chelle21689's avatar

Well thats his friend and they hang out a lot so yeah.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@chelle21689 If he falls in love with another, it’s not about who he spends time with, really…you should be the person he loves most…if he can love another more than you, you need to know that it’s okay to let him go and do what’s best for him

jca's avatar

my problem would be with this: if he repeatedly sleeps at her house, fine. ok. chalk it up to they’re buddies and that’s great. if he repeatedly sleeps at her house and every time, does not answer his phone, nor does he call you (as in your previous question regarding same thing) then it’s weird. what’s up with that? i’d be like “just asking why you are unavailable when you are with this girl?” again, if unavailable once or twice, ok, he didn’t hear his phone or it was dead or whatever. repeatedly, then i would say it’s strange.

lonelydragon's avatar

I can see why you would be concerned. Distance magnifies every insecurity.

With that said, the answer depends on the circumstances. I have stayed at guy friends’ house while I was attached, and if a long-distance guy friend visited, he usually stayed with me. My bf at the time trusted me enough to do that, but I also earned that trust by staying in touch with him while I stayed with male friends. As jca says, if your bf is habitually unavailable whenever he visits this female friend, then you might have a problem, and you should talk to him about it.

chelle21689's avatar

Thanks lonelydragon. His phone died and he actually gave me her # to contact him. I am actually having issues trusting him ever since a rumor I heard about him kissing someone in boot camp. I can’t prove it but I can’t get over it

PandoraBoxx's avatar

They had the party at her parent’s house? That would make me think that you have nothing to worry about with this guy, especially since she just got engaged. It really does sound like this is just buddies.

chelle21689's avatar

yeah she lives with her parents still. most of my bf’s battle buddies are around 18–19 just outta high school and all live w/ their parents.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I would so not worry about it. Befriend her.

jca's avatar

i would just keep being observant of the circumstances and situations, and if i felt like there was reason to remain concerned, i might ask myself if this relationship is one i would want to continue with. maybe for whatever reason it’s not satisfying to you having someone long distance, everyone has different needs and maybe you need someone you can see more often and have more contact with, or someone that for whatever reason you feel is more trustworthy.

Violet's avatar

I wouldn’t trust a 18–19 boy spending the night at another girl’s house (especially drunk!)

Response moderated
Violet's avatar

close enough

chelle21689's avatar

idk why my post above was removed all i said was he was almost 22 lol

Violet's avatar

you can’t use text speak.. like saying “idk”, instead of saying I don’t know. Did you read the Guidelines?

cazzie's avatar

Excellent suggestion by pandoraboxx. Why not befriend her? You already have one thing in common, him… so there’s bound to be loads more you have in common. If you like your boyfriend so much, you’re bound to like the people he likes, right? or at least you could give it a shot. Have her and her fiancee over for dinner and get to know them better. Take it out of it’s awkwardness and you might all become good friends.

chelle21689's avatar

Nope I didn’t use the guidelines, Violet. I’m new to this place and I never heard of a site saying I can’t use it. I could try to go by the guidlines but I’ve been writing that way for many years online so it’s going to be a hard habit to break.

Cazzie, her fiance is in the army stationed across the country. She’s in the army, my bf is in the army, and basically everyone he’s hanging with is in the army. He doesn’t know anyone in Los Angeles since he moved there so that’s all he knows. When I visit him next month I’m going to get to meet all his friends and she’s having some party for a special occasion that I’m going to get to go to and spend the night there too b/c she lives pretty far from where he lives. Hopefully meeting her and his friends make me feel better, It makes me feel better that he’s trying to include me.

chelle21689's avatar

Oh by the way Violet, I read the guidelines just now. It says no EXCESSIVE text speaking..

Violet's avatar

@chelle21689 you may want to ask a mod the how they define “excessive” text speaking. The only text talk that seems to be acceptable, is lol (and other versions of lol), and omg.

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