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marauder76's avatar

What's the funniest dirty joke you know?

Asked by marauder76 (390 points ) April 11th, 2010

I’m asking for a good reason. My uncle is sick with cancer and is going through some extremely difficult chemotherapy. I’ve been sending him a dirty joke each day to get him “through the next two minutes.”

I have now used up all my good dirty jokes. He’s an intelligent, thoughtful, kind-hearted, and dirty old man, so I really need some good stuff for him. To give you a sense of what I’m looking for, his favorite joke so far was when I sent him a transcript of Marty Funkhouser’s joke from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Here it is in case you missed it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o5m_mXadoU

Thank you!

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

32 Answers

Ltryptophan's avatar

Bobby took a bath with bubbles. Bubbles is the neighbors wife.

buckyboy28's avatar

Q: How do you castrate a man from the Ozarks?

A: You kick his sister in the jaw.

marauder76's avatar

Those are funny. But I need longer jokes, to fill up a couple minutes of my uncles time evey day… Sorry I wasn’t clearer on that point.

buckyboy28's avatar

You can always refer to the Maxim Top 100 Jokes List for some new material.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

The dirtiest joke I know.

Once upon a time @marauder76 asked a question “What’s the funniest dirty joke you know?”

And after a few clever answers, the question got pulled for moderation, under the premise of being “too much of a simple poll question”.

The answers are lost forever, and whatever fun this question prompted in the middle of the night for a few lonely late night souls is squashed, under the guise of it lowering the standards of the forum.

That, is the dirtiest joke I know. But I will admit, I’m still trying to find the humor in it.

Ltryptophan's avatar

The aristocrats

ekans's avatar

I’d suggest checking out this thread. It is a compilation of jokes, although many have dirty elements.

dalepetrie's avatar

You might want to refer to this question, and I’m pretty sure if you search joke on Fluther you’ll find at least a dozen other threads. And I’ll share one more I just heard.

A third grade teacher was telling her class that humans are the only animals that stutter when a girl raised her hand. She called on the girl, who told her, “Miss Johnson, that’s not true…I had a cat that stuttered.”

The teacher was intrigued, “Really, Becky? Because I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Yes, Miss Johnson,” Becky replied. “When my cat jumped the neighbor’s fence and their dobermans came after her, she started to go FFFFF….FFFFF….FFFFF, but the dobermans ate her before she could say fuck.”

And this longer one….

A gynecologist became bored with his profession after 20 years, and decided to go to vocational school to become a mechanic. He became the star student, and for the final exam, the students each had to rebuild a transmission. When the results were in, the gynecologist saw that he had scored 150 out of 100 possible points, and he KNEW this instructor NEVER gave extra credit. So, he being a man of great integrity, went to the school to tell the instructor of his mistake. But the instructor informed him that no mistake had been made, but for the first time in his teacher career, he’d decided to give extra credit. So, the gynecologist asked the teacher what had earned him this unique honor.

So, the teacher explains, “Well, I’ve been teaching 3 classes a day, 3 semesters a year for 17 years, with an average of 22 students per class. That means that I’ve seen well over 3,000 transmissions be rebuilt by my students. Some have failed, some have done a better job than most licensed mechanics I know, most everyone else has fallen somewhere in between. I’ve seen some pretty interesting techniques, I’ve seen people go fast, I’ve seen people go slow, I’ve seen people use a lot of parts, people use almost no parts, I’ve seen every tool imaginable used in every possible way. But never before have I seen anyone go in through the muffler.”

Zen_Again's avatar

I actually read through Maxim’s list and this was their numero uno:

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”

“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”

“Why did you do that?” he asked.

“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”

“Beertits,” the man replied.

dalepetrie's avatar

I think I’ve “told” this one on Fluther, but not recently…

A guy from New Jersey decides to throw a themed costume party….the theme? Everyone has to dress as an emotion. Seemed like a good idea until people started to show up.

One guy shows up dressed in red from head to toe, so the host says, “let me guess, you’re anger, right?”

“Correct,” says the man and goes into the party where 20 other angers are already mingling.

The next guy shows up wearing blue from head to toe, so the host says, “gotta figure you must be sadness.”

“Exactly,” says the man who then goes to join the party where he’ll find 17 other people dressed in blue.

Next time the doorbell rings, it’s a lady dressed up in green from head to toe. “OK, I’m guessing you’re envy,” says the host.

“You got that right,” says the lady as she enters the party, only to find 32 other envies already in attendance.

By this time the host is regretting his decision and thinks, “what I wouldn’t do for just one original costume.”

The next time the doorbell rings, he gets his wish. There stands a man, completely naked from head to toe, except for one small detail. He’s got a bowl of custard strapped around his crotch.

The host thinks and thinks, and tries to guess, but nothing comes to mind. So he says, “OK, I give up, what emotion are you.”

To which the man replies, “Yo, I’m fuckin’ dis custed.”

tranquilsea's avatar

@dalepetrie That is my Hallowe’en joke! But my ending is this: The doorbell rings and there is a large man standing there with pair tied to the end of his erect penis. The hostess stumbles, “Oh! And what are you?” Guy: “Fuckin’ dispair”

tranquilsea's avatar

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As the barkeep is pouring the beer the guy notices a tiny man playing a tiny piano on top of the bar. Surprised, the guy asks where the barkeep got the piano player. The barkeep replies, “There’s a Genie in the back room handing out wishes”.

Delighted the man approaches the Genie. “I hear you are granting wishes?” The Genie replies, “Yes but I am only granting one today”. The man replies, “Great! I would like a million bucks.” Genie: “As you command”. And poof all around them are quacking ducks. “Hey I asked for a million bucks!” blustered the man and stormed back to the barkeep. “What the hell is wrong with that genie back there? I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!” The barkeep replied, “You think I asked for a ten inch pianist?”

tranquilsea's avatar

Here’s another:

Three women were sitting around talking one night. One brought up the fact that all three of their partner’s names were Bob. They decided to nickname their husbands so they wouldn’t get confused when they were talking about them and they agreed to nickname them after a brand of pop.

The first woman said, “I’m going nickname my husband 7-Up because he is seven inches and he’s always up.” They all giggled for a while. The second woman said, “I’m going to nickname my husband Mountain Dew because he can mount me and do me.” They found extremely amusing. The third lady said, “I’m nicknaming my husband Jack Daniels.” The two other women complained, “Jack Daniels! But that’s a hard liquor!”
“I know”.

DominicX's avatar

@tranquilsea

That’s a good one. :)

Okay, here’s one (warning, you will feel awkward while reading it):

So, an old man goes into a sperm donation clinic and talks to the doctor. The doctor hands him a small jar to ejaculate into and tells the man to go into the other room and come back when he is finished.

The old man goes into the other room and the doctor sits down at his computer. From the other room, the doctor hears some disturbing sounds. He hears all kinds of grunting and moaning and heavy breathing and this goes on for several minutes. The doctor pretends not to hear it.

After several more minutes of this, the doctor decides to check on the old man. He walks in and sees the old man holding the jar, completely red in the face and panting.

“Everything go alright?” asked the doctor.

“First I tried with my left hand, nothing. Then I tried with my right, still nothing. Then I tried massaging it a little, and I still can’t get this goddamn lid off this goddamn jar!”

tranquilsea's avatar

@DominicX Thanks :-)

I love double entendre jokes. Your joke is cute. My mind was running in a completely different direction lol.

dalepetrie's avatar

This one isn’t that dirty, but I like it anyway.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson were hosting a brunch at their house to celebrate the fact that BOTH of their sons had gotten married that year. So, sitting around the table were Dave and Betty, the parents, Jim and his wife of 3 months, Lucy, Steve and his wife of 4 months, Andrea. The breakfast was laid out beautifully, eggs, ham, bacon, sausage, orange juice, coffee with cream and sugar, toast with jelly, butter, peanut butter, biscuits with honey, milk, french toast, hash browns…just a veritable feast. They all began to fill their plates and cups, when Jim looks at Lucy, and says, “can you pass me the sugar, sugar?” Lucy let’s loose a small giggle and hands Jim the sugar. Everyone else seems to think that’s cute, and then Steve looks at Andrea and pipes up, “would you pass me the honey, honey?” Andrea blushes slightly and hands the honey over to Steve. At this point Dave looks at Betty, his wife of nearly 30 years, sneers and says to her, “pass me the ham, pig.”

anartist's avatar

not favest ever, just recent

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, ‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.’

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’
I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don’t it?)

anartist's avatar

and another
The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered The Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline Read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery .. .Even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

filmfann's avatar

Mickey Mouse is seeing a lawyer.
The lawyer says: “Let me make sure I understand you. You want to divorce Minnie because she is crazy.”
Mickey Mouse looks at him and says: “No, I want to divorce her because she’s fuckin’ Goofy!”

dalepetrie's avatar

A southern white man who was both deeply religious and horribly racist had a “hobby”. Every Saturday night, he gets in his car and goes out cruising on back roads until he sees a black person walking down the road, then he swerves his car and tries to run them down. The good thing about cruising on these desolate country roads was that there was almost zero chance you’d ever see the police. The bad thing about it was he could drive for hours and never see a black person walking. One Saturday night, after a two month dry spell where he never saw a black pedestrian, he was nearly out of his mind, he was compelled to find a victim and he even decided to take a slightly more traveled road. There wasn’t much traffic on this road, but he passed a stalled car, and about a mile down the road, he saw a preacher carrying a gas can. He knew the nearest gas station was a good six miles away and figured this preacher would never find another ride on this road, so being the devoutly religious man he was, he stopped and offered the preacher a ride to the gas station.

The preacher was very grateful and blessed this man for his good deed, when all of a sudden, lo and behold, there was a black guy walking alongside the road. There were no other cars, no other people, and this guy would have been easy to pick off, just a quick swerve to the right, and he’d go flyin’. But he couldn’t do that with the preacher in his car….he started to freak out, what was he going to do? He was absolutely compelled to run this guy down, but he had too much respect for a man of the cloth to allow him to witness this. So, thinking quickly, as he got up on the black guy, he pretended to faint, and as he did so, he swerved quickly to the right, then pretended to regain consciousness and righted himself.

“Oh my goodness father, did I hit that black man,” he asked the preacher. To which the preacher replied, “no you did not my son, but worry not, I got him with the door.”

DrBill's avatar

A businessman is going to china on his first ever business trip and on the flight there he thinks about how he has always wanted to try a cute little china doll. Right after landing he heads for the red light district and finds just what he was looking for.

That night while having wild passionate sex the girl keeps yelling out “toe-faar, toe-faar” and he thinks to himself he must me getting her off in a great way.

The next day the businessmen he is meeting with take him to the golf course to discuss business while playing a round. On the 13th hole, he lines up the shot and drives a long straight shot right to the green where it bounces twice and plops in the hole.

Seeing the hole in one, the man starts jumping with excitement and yelling at the top of his lungs “toe-faar, toe-faar”

The businessmen look at one another and one asked the other “what does he mean wrong hole?”

Kayak8's avatar

A young woman working in a pharmacy is approached by an older gentleman who inquires about purchase prophylactics.
“What size do you need?” the woman asked.
“Young lady, I have been purchasing prophylactics for years and have never been asked that question,” the man said sternly.
“Well, prophylactics come in a variety of sizes. If you don’t mind unzipping your trousers, I can tell you your size pretty quickly.”
Perhaps inspired by the thought of the young lovely’s hand down his britches, the man concedes. The woman reaches into his trousers and feels around for a bit and then picks up a microphone into which she announces, “I need size Medium in aisle four, size Medium.”

An hour or so later, I guy in his thirties comes in and asks about buying condoms.
“What size do you need?” the woman asked.
“I don’t know, I have never been asked that question,” the man replied
“Well, condoms come in all sizes. If you don’t mind unzipping your slacks, I can tell you your size real quick.”
The man quickly consented and the woman reaches into his trousers and feels around for a bit and then picks up a microphone into which she announces, “I need size Extra Large in aisle four, size Extra Large.”

About an hour or so later, a young teenaged boy approached the woman and, looking at his feet, said he needed to buy some rubbers.
“What size do you need?” the woman asked.
“Ummm, I never bought rubbers before,” the boy replied sheepishly.
“Well, rubbers come in all sizes. If you don’t mind unzipping your jeans, I can tell you your size pretty quickly.”
The teenager shrugged his consent and the woman reaches into his trousers and feels around for a bit and then picks up a microphone into which she announces, “I need clean up in aisle four.”

Kayak8's avatar

These two Southern women are talking after one has just returned from a vacation “up north.” She regales her friend with the various restaurants and sites she visited on her excursion and then starts whispering.
“They got the strangest people up north,” she says.
“What do you mean?” her friend asks.
“Well they got these people called Queer.”
Her friend looks at her blankly.
“They’re men who have sex with other men!”
“Oh, my lands,” her friend replied.
“And up north they got these people called Lesbians.”
“Well what’s that?” the friend asks.
“They’re women who have sex with other women!”
“I’ll swan,” her friend mutters, shaking her head slowly.
“And up north, they got these men who give women oral sex.”
“Well, what do they call them?” the friend asks.
“I didn’t ask for the official name, but when he came up for air, I called him “Precious!”

Kayak8's avatar

This bear walks into a bar in Boise and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, “We don’t serve beers to bears in Boise!”
“Well, if you don’t give me a beer, I am going to attack that woman at the end of the bar,” the bear said through gritting fangs.
“Suit yourself, it won’t change anything,” the barkeep said.
The bear loudly roared and made his way to the end of the bar, attacking the woman until she died.
He walked back up to the bartender and said, “I want a beer!”
“We don’t serve beer to drug addicts,” the barkeep replied.
“Drug addicts?”
“That was the bar bitch you ate.”

BoBo1946's avatar

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ” RETURNED UNOPENED ”

BoBo1946's avatar

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE
A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW
DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS
AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK,
I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER
A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’

dalepetrie's avatar

A guy is walking through the seedy area of town and keeps getting approached by hookers. He tells them, “sorry, but I’ve only got 2 bucks on me.” At that, they usually leave him alone, until this one really old hooker says “I can make that work.” So, he hands her the two bucks and they go in the alley she hikes up her skirt and starts trying to get it in. But the old bag feels like sandpaper. He pulls out and says, “forget it, you can just keep the 2 bucks,” and she says, “wait a minute…” Just then she reaches under her skirt fiddles around a bit and says, “OK, ride em cowboy.” He’s skeptical but plunges in anyway and moans a relieved sigh. “Honey,” he says, “how’d you get yourself so wet so fast?” She replies, “Ah, I just picked the scabs and let the pus run.”

Another guy is in a similar situation, but he only has a quarter on him. He tells the ladies this and they let him move along. Until this one woman pulls out a glass eye and says she’ll let him fuck her eye socket for a quarter. He hesitates, but she insists it will be the most fun he’d ever had. He figures, what have I got to lose, so he goes for it, and it feels amazing. She is able to do things with her eye that put to shame the things most women could do with their genitals. After he finished, he said, “that was great…say, I think I have another quarter at home, will you be here tomorrow?” To which she replies, “I’ll keep an eye out for ya.”

zen_'s avatar

I was sitting in a public washroom at night and got locked in. It was late and I didn’t want to wake anyone up, so I started dialing the numbers on the bathroom wall.

“Hello,” I said, “Is this Samantha the hooker?” She said she was, but that she had since stopped hooking and was now a professional locksmith. “Oh, okay,” I told her, “I’ll correct the graffiti.”

InkyAnn's avatar

I didnt read all of the jokes on here so Im sorry if this was already said. But heres one of my faves

A husband and wife decided to have a few glasses of wine after dinner, after a few glasses the husband said to his wife I bet you cant tell me one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thought about this for a minute then said “you have a bigger penis then your brother”

DrBill's avatar

A little girl came home from grade school, when her mother asked…...

Mother. How was school today?
girl a boy in my class showed me his penus
Mother What did think about that
girl it reminded me of peanuts
Mother because of the size?
girl no, it was salty

rojo's avatar

I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.

rojo's avatar

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

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