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iRemy_y's avatar

Why do people become "friends with benefits" after breaking up?

Asked by iRemy_y (550 points ) April 17th, 2010

It doesn’t make any sense… they broke up for a reason right?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

Trillian's avatar

I’ll tell you why I kept sleeping with my SO long after we broke up. I was still attracted to him and I didn’t want to give myself to another man. I was already spiritually tied to him. I can’t answer for anyone else, but the whole “casual sex” thing is not for me. The next man with whom I sleep will be my husband. Yeah, I may never sleep with another man I guess.

theichibun's avatar

From people that I know, it’s because the part of the relationship that ended things was the relationship part and not the sexual part.

Likeradar's avatar

Just because you don’t see your self moving into the future with a person as your partner doesn’t mean you don’t still enjoy their company and have great sexual chemistry with them. So you’re friends… with benefits.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

In my experience, no. While Meghan was living, Genevive and I had ocaissional physical contact with Meghans approval and participation. After Megs death, all that ended. We remain friends and business partners, but there is no desire on either part to maintain any sort of FWB relationship. That died with Meghan.

slick44's avatar

Never happend that way for me. just had a friend and decided we would add the benifits. eveytime ive broken up with someone we usually have nothing to do with each other at all.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@plethora The physical relationship died with the central partner in the relationship.

Bernard's avatar

I haven’t been “friends with benefits” with my ex-girlfriend, so I’m just guessing here.

People tend to have sex with their Significant Others. They learn what their Other likes, sexually.
But people tend to break up for other reasons. For not being compatible in the “long term”.

Being “friends with benefits”, you get to have that great sex that you’ve spent months/years practicing, but you don’t have to worry about all of the long-term rubbish that wouldn’t work out anyway.

plethora's avatar

@Bernard I think you got it exactly right!!

iRemy_y's avatar

@Trillian thats what i dont understand. if hes the only person you want to be with, and your attracted to them, why did you break up?

jazmina88's avatar

The sex is good, but the pressure was bad.

nocountry2's avatar

sex: 1
the rest: 0

phillis's avatar

People don’t remmeber that they broke up for a reason. Intellectually they realize it, but often, they aren’t quite ready for a complete break. Think of it as slowly slipping into a pool of cold water instead of diving in.

People seriously hate change. We all have a comfort level, so whether it is helpful or not, people will often indulge in post-relationship behaviors that are not in their best interests. Some of them never let go. For many, all they can see is that their comfort level has been disturbed, therefore it must be fixed back to it’s original state. They don’t grasp that things can never go back to the way they were.

We also hate the painful void we feel when someone is gone who occupied a huge section of their life, especially when there is a spiritual connection. So, people do all they can to fill that void, even if it means having sex with a person who did not know how to respect them or love them. The funny thing is, most all of those relationships were never friends to begin with. How can you get back to a place you never were in the first place?

Then, there’s ego, and we all have one. Each of us wants to be number one in somebody’s eyes, do we not? I know I do! When a break-up happens, we are no longer number one, which offends our egotistical senses. What do you do when you’ve lost something? You try to get it back, of course.

The more mentally unbalanced the person, the more outrageous lengths they go, to replace what is no longer there. This can be anything from hang-up calls to hear their ex’s voice, to showing up wherer they know the person is going to be, to stalking, to worse. The mentally healthy person experiences the break-up pain, and deals with it. The not-so-mentally healthy person acts in a very vendictive, spiteful way. Typically, sabotaging their ex’s existing relationships, or destroying their property.

MissAnthrope's avatar

I’m one of those people who is more likely than not to continue sleeping with my exes, at least for a little while after breaking up. And, in the lesbian world, you generally go on to be really good friends with your exes after that (barring abuse and bad breakups).

Here is my take on it; for one, if I dated them, I probably like them, admire them as a person, and think they’re cool. If we were together for a while, I’ve come to love them and care a lot about them. In that time, they and I have developed a bond and due to the intimacy of a romantic relationship, we know each other better than others know us.

Maybe I’m lucky, but I’ve generally had really great sex with the girls I’ve dated. Like, that time-stopping, soul-melding, transcendent kind of sex. So there’s a kind of emotional-sexual connection that I’m sad to see go. Continuing to have sex after a breakup is like a naughty treat.. you know you probably shouldn’t, but the sex is so good because you love the person, you both know each other’s tastes, and there is a level of comfort and familiarity that takes time to develop.

I have found it nearly impossible to find these things in casual sex, and all of them feel good. So if we’re adults, we care about each other, and want to experience amazing sex with someone we care about, what is the biggie? It doesn’t mean we want to get back together, or that we will, it just means that we are acknowledging that we enjoy and will miss this aspect of our relationship.

SeventhSense's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land
LOL- For some reason I kept picturing this
(short commercial) Probably one of my favorite SNL skits of all time.

DarkScribe's avatar

Many times people consider only the “benefits” aspect, not the friends. Old habits die hard. Until you find someone else you might as well if both feel the same way and are remaining “friendly”. I had ongoing relationships with quite a few women after we had passed the stage of accepting that there was not going to be a permanent future between us.

Trillian's avatar

@iRemy_y I didn’t say that he was the only person I wanted to be with. Eventually I hope to find someone on whom I can rely. A partner and intellectual equal. The nights with him are something that I am in the process of weaning myself off. But we know each others bodies and likes. I cannot be with a stranger and after being alone for nine years I find that I have an enormous sex drive. He’s much younger than me and cannot keep up sometimes.
I left him because I had no choice. He is a junkie and his addiction means more to him than I do. I could have accepted all the other things about him that did not match with me but that. So…. I still take pleasure from his body. It’s really the only thing that he can give me of himself, and sometimes I just go over there and damn well take it.

JeffVader's avatar

If things didnt end badly then its really very easy.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

With my boyfriend before my current one, I was friends with benefits with him for a time because I was not yet ready to let go. As for other people who get into situations like that, that’s something they’d know.

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