General Question

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Should I accompany my spouse to the funeral of someone I've never met?

Asked by ANef_is_Enuf (23275 points ) April 28th, 2010

My husband’s great uncle passed away this week, and until yesterday I wasn’t even aware that he had a great uncle. My husband keeps saying that he doesn’t care one way or another if I go with him.. but I can’t tell if he means that. I should go just to be supportive, right? Or is it odd for me to go to the funeral of someone that I’ve never even heard of, particularly if my husband didn’t seem to be very close to the deceased…?

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23 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’d go – because why not – if you don’t there might be problems so just go.

bandeka's avatar

If only to be supportive of your husband, I think you should go.

andreaxjean's avatar

I believe its good moral support. So, yes. Go with him, especially if he’s upset about the passing. Plus I’m sure he’ll have some upset relatives and I don’t know about him, but when I see my relatives upset, I get really upset.

MorenoMelissa1's avatar

Yes you should go with your spouse for moral support. No one should have to go alone to a funeral.

brinkofit's avatar

Automatic yes, unless she really refuses to let you go

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

I would be supportive. When a friend of mine died, another friend (who I don’t think ever met the deceased) immediately offered to go to his service with me for moral support. When someone is going though the grief of losing someone, even if they were never very close, give all the support you can. You may find it’s not as uncomfortable as you might think.

rebbel's avatar

For some men saying that they don’t care one way or another is the second best to saying yes darling, i think i would like you to come and be supportive to me.
I heard.~

chyna's avatar

Like @rebbel says, it’s code for you should go.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Absolutely!! Of course go.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@rebbel I think you hit the nail on the head. I have worked in hospice for years, so I think sometimes my husband tries to protect me from having to experience any more death than what I’ve already witnessed… but I have a sneaking suspicion that he actually wants me to be there and is just saying that he doesn’t care.

rooeytoo's avatar

Would you want him to go with you if the situation were reversed? If you would, then you better go with him or you can’t expect it of him if the time should come.

marinelife's avatar

Funerals, although sad, are important gatherings for families. You might enjoy interacting with your husband’s extended family. At the least, it might teach you something about your husband.

gorillapaws's avatar

If I lost a great uncle that I barely knew I don’t think I’d be particularly upset. I would go to the funeral mostly to support my other relatives, and I’d probably tell my wife (if I had one) that I didn’t care if she came either way—mostly so she wouldn’t feel deliberately excluded.

I think many of you are reading FAR too much into this. Now if he was close to his great uncle than it would be much different. I don’t get the sense that they were close, because if they were wouldn’t @TheOnlyNeffie have known about him? I don’t think you need to read any secret “man code” into this thing; “go if you want” is what he said and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to make either choice.

The only angle I can see where going is important is with the in-laws. I have no idea what kind of relationship you have with them, but seeing them at the funeral might bring you closer together, not seeing you might drive them apart. But I truly don’t think your husband cares either way.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@gorillapaws that is EXACTLY what I was thinking. But I have a tendency to over-analyze, so I confuse myself. O:)

I am not close with my in-laws, and I am getting the impression from my husband that he was not especially close with this particular uncle. As I said, I didn’t even know the man existed prior to his passing. My question is really more about the etiquette than it is about my husband, I suppose. Thanks for your answer… that was extremely helpful.

RedPowerLady's avatar

Yes you’ve got to go to support your husband. You should never have a family member go to a funeral alone. Even if they are not close to that individual. Grief is a nasty monster and it can strike in the oddest of circumstances. Not to mention that simply seeing other family members, that he is close to, in pain could be enough to trigger his own pain. This is one automatic duty of a partner, funeral attendance. Hugs to both of you!

wonderingwhy's avatar

If he’s asked you to go and it matters to him or if you can’t tell, assume it does (much safer), then go. You’re there to support him, there’s nothing odd about that.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Yes. Go and sign the book.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

UPDATE: we were all wrong. he really didn’t want me to go. i was all dressed and ready to go when he got home and he practically begged me not to go. Thanks for the advice though. lol. :)

thriftymaid's avatar

Personal choice here; don’t feel pressured either way.

JeffVader's avatar

Id go, as you say, you cant be sure if your husband is genuinely not bothered, or if he’s doing that typical male thing. Either way, I’m sure he’d appreciate you being there on the day.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie Interesting! Well, I’m glad things worked out either way. I hope you didn’t have to spend too much time getting ready, though! :P

Provlear's avatar

I think if you didn’t know this person existed that it is a great clue that you shouldn’t go. Etiquette-wise, I don’t think anyone can get upset that you don’t attend the funeral of someone you don’t know. Trust in your husband’s statement.

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