General Question

rainboots's avatar

Should you know the "really good friend" ?

Asked by rainboots (287 points ) April 29th, 2010

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. Recently I have become aware of a really good friend. I have met this person once. (We met her around the same time) She has been absent the past year for hang outs as well as a goodbye party, and a birthday party. If she is a really good friend doesn’t it make sence for her to have been around for the past year? Unfortunately my gut tells me something isn’t right. And was it wrong of me to ask to see the text that has been sent between the two of them?

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21 Answers

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

“was it wrong of me to ask to see the text that has been sent between the two of them?”

Depends, did he show you them after you asked?

Answer A – Yes.

Then he doesn’t feel the need to hide anything from you & it seems pretty safe to assume she isn’t much to him. (but still keep one eye open when you sleep)

Answer B – No.

Then he is hiding something from you. Get out of that relationship. If you spend a majority of your time being paranoid & always asking the question, “What did SHE say?” “Where did YOU go last night?” Then it’s not a relationship, he is your mark & you are a very upfront & nosy spy.

Disc2021's avatar

I would have chosen to handle the situation a little differently. Immediately asking to see the text-messages between them might give your boyfriend impression that you dont trust him – which could be hurtful if everything is what it seems to be.

I would have simply just confronted him about it by saying “There’s something I need to talk to you about and I want you to be 100% honest with me”. If his reaction/responses didn’t add up, only then would I have asked to see the text-messages between them.

Haleth's avatar

Maybe he hasn’t brought this friend around because he knew it would make you uncomfortable and jealous. They could actually be good friends.

rainboots's avatar

Yes. But after a year? Where has she been? And why now is she a really good friend? I asked in a very calm tone if I could see the text and he was very defense about it. It then turned into an argument.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

Yup, sounds like bad news to me.

Disc2021's avatar

The problem now is trying to discern what type of defense he responded with – either he took offense by the subtle accusation or he really is up to something. I say a big intervention is necessary, but try not to let it spiral out of control.

Zen_Again's avatar

There’s something about this newfangled text/email/ipod generation that irks me. Communication and trust are key in a relationship, and if you don’t have it after a year…

Seriously, in our day there were barely landline phones. Checking text messages (or asking to see them) is equilvalent to going through the husbands pockets for phone numbers on match boxes. It means you don’t trust him and the communication is bad.

Talk, or walk.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Ask him directly if this friend is more than a platonic friend. You have a right to know.
If he is less than direct with you, then ask to see the communications between them. If he resists, then he may well be hiding something you need to know about.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You and your boyfriend both met this woman for the at the same time, and he’s calling her a “really good friend” even though she hasn’t been around much since you’ve met her? Or is your sentence badly constructed, and you met her about the same time your boyfriend met you? There’s a big difference in those two scenarios.

If both you and your boyfriend met this person for the same time a year ago, then it’s likely he’s been talking to her all along for the last year, since he considers her a “really good friend.” Do they work together? When/how has he been putting time into this “really good” friendship over the last year?

If he’s known her for a long time, and you met her about the same time you met him, then this is probably a platonic relationship.

Cruiser's avatar

Encourage him to be open and honest with you about this friend and don’t play any jealousy cards and you two will have a healthy long relationship.

wonderingwhy's avatar

Follow your instincts, even if they’re incorrect, you need to address them. If you want to know, ask (don’t demand). Explain how you feel clearly and calmly.It’s entirely your decision whether or not you believe him.

In similar situations, I’ve always been very upfront and open about my relationships with my closest friends. They are all female which can cause a lot of strain for my s/o if not properly addressed. I certainly do not share every communication between us with her nor do I feel it is appropriate to do so, but I always address any concerns my s/o has immediately and honestly. Trust and communication are the foundation of any relationship.

It wasn’t necessarily wrong of you to ask to see the text by the way, it’s dependent on how you asked within the context of your relationship. But, right or wrong, it can be perceived as intrusive or indicative of a lack of trust on your part. She may be nothing more than he presents, a friend, but clearly you both need to discuss it if it is continuing to bother you.

As to whether you should “know” the really good friend. It would be strange for you not to know of them, but not necessarily know them beyond passing acknowledgement. Of my three closest friends, my wife “knows” them all but she really only knows, to any depth, one of them, though she’s getting to know a second slowly, as my friend has been around more recently.

jonsblond's avatar

I do find it odd that you haven’t seen this person that is supposedly a good friend of his, but asking to see his texts is probably not the best way to find out more about this person. If he is being unfaithful, don’t you think he would delete the texts to hide any evidence?

You received great advice above. I hope everything works out for you.

marinelife's avatar

Why is this person such a big secret? The lack of transparency is troubling.

deni's avatar

maybe he just used poor word choice when he called her a “really good friend”? maybe they aren’t really that close?

CMaz's avatar

“She”

That is your problem.

Silhouette's avatar

Trust is a very fragile thing and when you asked to see the txt you put a hairline fracture in the trust. You chose to trust your instincts more than his word and there is nothing wrong with that..

rainboots's avatar

I don’t feel that he has cheated but something isn’t sitting right. I have trust issues (due to being burned countless times) and he has become tired of them. What can I do to make things better on my part?

Silhouette's avatar

@rainboots Bless your heart. You just have to choose to trust and stop trying to protect yourself from potential heartache. A broken heart won’t kill you unless you let it. Also, nothing stings quite like betraying yourself with a self-fulfilling prophecy.

rainboots's avatar

Your right. Thank you. He is a sweet man. Its just so hard to trust.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I have a lot of male platonic friends. Two of them are “really good friends”....as close or closer than my brothers. And there is no “funny business”...honest.

I used to meet all his girlfriends. Then, I stopped doing that. Why? Because some of them through him——became my friends…and when the break-up came, it got really sticky and awkward. I had his girlfriends crying on the phone to me, asking me to intercede on their behalf….and then even angry at me because I could not help them save their relationship. I was caught in the middle between a weeping woman and my friend who may just have realized that she wasn’t “the one”.

Eventually, I just decided that my friend would have to do his “relationships” by himself….without me in the picture…unless the relationship ended up as an engagement. It had nothing to do with jealousy or anything….it was just a way for me to stay away from a situation that was just too exhausting.

I don’t know if that is a possibility for your situation——but I wanted to give you another view.

Kkrazy55's avatar

I think that a true friend is when they are always there for you and be honest with you and feel comfortable around you, of course, you should feel comfortable around them. If im not comfortable around a friend i have an urge to move. A true friend would stick up for you, comfort you, and support you on all of your dreams. And if you asked to see the text, if she was a true friend, she should understand that you might be a little worried. I would also ask him about it too. Oh and a true friend should listen to you when in need or sad or something.

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