Social Question

JTSTs2003's avatar

Asking "Advice" on a "cheating" friendship?

Asked by JTSTs2003 (290 points ) June 3rd, 2010

“Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one.”
I’ve always found that to be true. Ever since then, I’ve stopped asking for advice. (Seriously…it’s been years…I always think to that statement and it answers my “question” for me.)
So, instead, I am asking to be talked out of doing something. I’d like opinions, wisdom, feelings, thoughts, those sorts of things. What would you do? Why? What would you WANT to do?
Situation (we are all late 20s-ish):
A=Myself
B=Boyfriend
C=Friend

B works nights, I rarely see him. Been living with B for 4 months. Been together for 9. Been “close” for 19 months. Been in love with B the whole time, but shortly before we made it official, he made a choice and it felt like he “cheated” on me. My feelings havent been the same since, and I struggle with it.

I have a son, who has known B the whole time. B has plans to marry me in the future and to be son’s father. Son adores him, he adores son. Great situation there.

Insert player C. Foreigner from work, engaged, started friendship 4 months ago. Will be leaving shortly (exact date still unknown) and will never see C again, might keep in touch via email etc, but u know how that goes.

Have talked inappropriately with C. Have seriously considered cheating with C. Been dangerously close during arguments over B “cheating” to go to C and just do it.

Keep going back & forth between wanting to and not wanting to w/ C. Always think of how it would affect B, how I would lose him if he knew, how it would hurt him and hurt my son, and possibly hurt myself (conflicted feelings seem to distort how I really feel about B, so not sure if I will be devastated or perfectly ok if this happens).

Also think about keeping friendship platonically, spending time with C until he leaves since I will never see him again, and how he can show me places/things I’d never know about otherwise.

Have plans to spend day w/ C while B is at work & son is at sitter’s. B knows this, isn’t thrilled but won’t tell me not to go since he knows that C & I are attracted to eachother. (I would not let him go. I would consider the way I’ve talked with C a form of cheating if B had done it.) So as it stands, I am going.

I do not know what will happen, want to keep it platonic but am scared I will let it go too far. Even a kiss is too far.

I have been cheated on excessively by son’s father. Tore me apart. I cheated on boyfriend after son’s father with son’s father – didn’t feel guilty about it. Didnt love boyfriend either, was more of a rebound/self esteem thing. While I didnt feel guilty, I also never admitted it because I didnt want that boyfriend to hurt the way I had.

I know the right thing to do is to end the bad way I talk to C, and I actually have, but things got rocky w/ B again and I started up again. C goes with whatever I want. The REAL right thing to do would be to end friendship with C. That is what I would expect B to do.

Fears:
That I am missing out on an awesome experience.
That I am missing out on said experience/friendship for someone (B) that possibly won’t be in my life in the future.
That even if B is in my life in the future, that I will regret not having spent that time w/ C.

Dont want to miss out on life just because I am committed to someone. I sit at home w/ my son and do NOTHING right now….work, home, alone all night till B comes home to bed, same thing next day, and that’s it. I have only female friends that I’ve had forever. C is new & shiny…exciting & interesting.

I think that covers it. I’m ready to be talked out of this so I can do the right thing! I keep hoping there is a technicality I am missing…a gray area yet to be seen. Show me if you can find it, or please try to convince me that the trip would be wrong.

Ready….Set….Go!!!

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43 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

Life is short, do the C lol.

Seaofclouds's avatar

You said C in engaged? So by cheating you risk also messing up his relationship with his fiance. You say you’ve been cheated on before, do you really want to be the “other women” when his fiance finds out? I personally believe cheating is wrong. If you are in a position where you want to be with someone else, you should end things with B. It seems to me that the only reason you don’t want to do that is because C is leaving and there wouldn’t be anything else for you with C other than this one time fling. You also said you are doing things you wouldn’t want your BF to do, why is that? Why is it okay for you, but not for him? I personally wouldn’t hang out with C because of the temptation you have unless you are prepared for the consequences of your actions (possibly losing B). It’s up to you in the long run, but cheating isn’t a good idea in my opinion.

Response moderated
Blackberry's avatar

Oh my gosh you guys are sooooo lame lol….....

Silhouette's avatar

Picture this. One minute you are going to be reliving your hot romantic moment the next waves of humiliation are going to wash over you because you did unto others what you hated when it was done unto you.

If you can’t picture the waves of humiliation you should do it

perspicacious's avatar

I could not make it through that tiring narrative. If you are committed to your boyfriend, whom you say you plan to marry, don’t cheat. If you don’t want to stay with him break up and be free to see C. Fifteen paragraphs of words makes no difference.

janbb's avatar

“Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but want another one.”

Trillian's avatar

C is willing to do whatever you want? So he’s is willing to cheat on his fiance` or not? He really doesn’t care if he gets to nail you or not? He will if you let him but…meh.
I’m curious to know what B did that you consider a cheat. It obviously still bothers you a lot. I would caution against going any further in this relationship until you can resolve what happened with B because it is affecting everything. So much so that you are considering going against your own ethics and doing something that you consider to be reprehensible because of something that B did. I would ignore non helpful, judgmental statements made by some people and look deeply into what is really bothering you here.
B has broken faith with you. What is to say that he won’t do it again? If he doesn’t even see it the same way that you do, you may just be better off giving up the relationship with B because you don’t want a life time of this kind of thing.
I would also caution against sleeping with C simply because; a. he’s engaged and it would make you a home-wrecker, b. He seems pretty cavalier about the whole thing. 3. He could already have cheated or whatever and may be carrying a drippy, slimy…you know.
All you’re going to miss out on is some sex and you can get that all by yourself. At least your hand won’t make you feel ashamed of yourself, unless you grow some hair on your palm! ;-)

KatawaGrey's avatar

I would like a little clarification please. You have been living with B four months but you have been together nine? So you two were together five months before you decided to live together?

If I have followed you correctly, then it seems to me that wanting to be with C might be a result of you’re rushing into this kind of commitment with B. If this is the case, then losing B to be with C for the short time that C is here will not make you feel better and will in fact make things worse. C is leaving so you won’t see him shortly which means you couldn’t be with him permanently. If you have sex with C, you lose both B and C. If you keep your pants zipped, you still lose C, but you keep B.

If you are bored with your life, instead of cheating on your boyfriend, there are many things you can do spice things up. Perhaps you could try making friends with people you are not in danger of cheating on your boyfriend with.

gemiwing's avatar

Just because B is not making you happy doesn’t mean that C will either. So you’ll leave a rocky relationship with B to go fuck C- who is already in a relationship?

Why are you picking these guys? What makes you think that being with anyone can make you happy and fill the quiet ache?

Silhouette's avatar

I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss @Blackberry‘s advice. Life is short do the C. You really do need to consider when you get old those are the moments you regret the most. Shoulda woulda coulda sucks.

JTSTs2003's avatar

Okay to answer questions -

Don’t want to lose B – already said that. Not sure if I want to marry him, but I still want the chance until that part gets figured out.

Don’t want to sleep w/ C! Don’t want to be with C even if he were to stay or we were single. Want to mess around, but won’t. Want to kiss/touch….that’s the scary part that I know I might let happen. And definitely want the friendship, but that leads to wanting to kiss/touch on the lonely/bad days w/ B.

Didn’t rush into things w/B. “close” for 10 months prior = relationship w/o the title. Hence, he doesnt see it as “cheating” – even though we promised e/o we were only F*ing e/o and talking to e/o romantically – & he lied about it for a while, all of which is why I think I feel he cheated.

Anyway, I do not think a man can make me happy, but EXPERIENCES can help.

Don’t care about C’s fiancee finding out – 99% chance she won’t. She’s on the other side of the world and oblivious to my existence.

I am against cheating as a general rule, I don’t think it’s okay, it’s not okay for me to do this when I expect B not to – as I’ve already said.

Apprently 15 paragraphs of narrative WERE necessary considering some of you are asking already present information.

But I still thank you for your opinions. :)

Response moderated
Seaofclouds's avatar

@JTSTs2003 If you feel like you will cheat being alone with C, don’t be alone with C. End of story.

casheroo's avatar

I’m blown away by this.

You are willing to throw away everything you have with B just for selfish reason. Granted, if you are unhappy and want out..then leave. Don’t cheat.
Obviously you don’t really love B. You’d be doing him a favor by leaving him.

JTSTs2003's avatar

How about this…if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Also, not looking to cheat for revenge. That’s not my style.

My future = possibly w/ B. My son’s future = B is exactly what he wants and what I would want for him.

Obviously not willing to throw away future w/ B (said that before!) – refer to tree comment above.

But hmmm marinelife for some reason you’ve struck a cord….for my son I definitely don’t want to lose B….that sways the pendulum quite a bit.

and again, don’t give a shit about fiancee back home…tree comment again.

Oh, and “waves of humiliation”...not gonna happen. If I did do something, and I got caught, I’d accept full responsibility for it and wouldn’t be ashamed because it would have been something I’d thought about extensively (obviously….that’s why I’m here).

But Silhouette…you, too, have struck a cord….imagining B finding out, asking why I did it, I’d like to think I have no reason but I would definitely want to say because look what you did to me all that time….so hmmmm…I dont WANT revenge, but I would definitely throw that in his face and would associate it with what I did.

Interesting…. Please continue. :)

chyna's avatar

Wouldn’t you at least be ashamed if your child ever found out how you acted and asked you why you acted in that manner? I think when you are someone’s mom, your standards need to be higher, not lower.

Blackberry's avatar

@chyna Moms and dads do worse compared to having sex with someone else…....On the list of the top things parents shouldn’t do, that is not at the top.

@JTSTs2003 Assuming no one finds out, you will have some fun and your life will go on like nothing happened, so you could either not do C, or do C and make sure no one finds out.

JTSTs2003's avatar

@chyna Nope, not ashamed either. People make mistakes. At least mine will be/would have been well thought out and I’d know why I did it, can own up to it, and I went into it knowing what I was doing. I’ll tell him exactly what happened, why, anything he want’s to know.

josie's avatar

C is engaged. Yet he is willing to boink you in spite of that. What a cool guy. So what is it about C that you find so appealing, knowing already that he is exactly the same type of dishonest that dude you were once married to and got torn apart over. What exactly are the principles that govern your choices? It’s your life by the way, so I really don’t care, but I can’t help but wonder if both your feet are on the ground.

augustlan's avatar

Guys, try not to be so judgmental. This person is obviously aware that what she’s thinking about isn’t the right thing… she’s asking to be talked out of it.

To answer the actual question: Cheating (even a kiss) is always wrong. If you find yourself in a situation where you just can’t resist, you should do the honorable thing and break up with your significant other. If you are unwilling to break it off, then you must keep yourself out of iffy situations… such as being alone with a guy you fantasize about. Period, the end.

Blackberry's avatar

“Cheating (even a kiss) is always wrong.”

No…...It’s not…..

chyna's avatar

@Blackberry Are you “C”?

reverie's avatar

I hope you don’t mind, but I am going to be blunt, because I get the impression that it’s what you want. I’m not going to touch on the cheating issue, its morality, or anything like that, because I think that’s not even close to being the most important thing here.

The moment you have a child is the moment you have to stop putting yourself first.

Sometimes doing that isn’t “exciting” or “shiny”, sometimes it is horribly boring, mundane, routine, depressing, restrictive. Whilst I believe that happy parents tend to make good parents, acting in a way that might make you temporarily happy or excited at the expense of jeopardising your son’s happiness and sense of stability is just not on.

You are ultimately responsible for the happiness of your son, and his feelings need to be put before your own in all situations. His comfort, happiness, well-being and security should come first, always.

If you knowingly make any choices that involve jeopardising your son’s comfort and well-being in any way, when an alternative that would not result in this is available, you have failed to act in the best interests of your son.

Of course, sadly, sometimes trauma isn’t avoidable, but as a parent, it is your job to make the choices that will hurt your son the least. It sounds like your current relationship with B isn’t perfect, and maybe it won’t last forever, and there may be some upset caused to your son if it breaks up in the future. However, it sounds like having any sort of affair with C might cause turbulence for your son, since you have said that him and B are very close, like father and son. Would you be happy to jeopardise the value your son gets from this stability and this relationship because of your interest in C? If you want to end the relationship with B, then do so, but you can do that in a far less painful way that would cause far less trauma to your son than having an affair.

Finally, a mistake isn’t something you plan for. If you choose to do a “mistake”, it isn’t a mistake, it’s deliberately choosing to do the wrong thing.

rebbel's avatar

I think it’s too simple, this scenario.
Can’t we bring a D into it?

Blackberry's avatar

@chyna No, I’m in a monogamous relationship, but I just didn’t agree with that comment lol.

chyna's avatar

@rebbel Want to be “D”?

@reverie From her answer to my comment about her child, she doesn’t want to consider her child. She will own up to her “mistake” and tell him all about it if the child asks, but the child won’t be considered in her cheating.

rebbel's avatar

@chyna Obviously i would be R.
Following that reasoning that would make you…....., C.

JTSTs2003's avatar

LOL this is funny…C is a boy, thank you hahahaha.

I do consider my son, but I guess not as much as I should have. I feel like I’ve had my blinders on for a little while I guess…

Son’s actually met C and immediately liked him…and told B that. just to mix things up a bit I guess hahaha

Okay Okay…I think I feel okay enough to not do this.

Want to…but won’t. Saw B today, he looked so sad, and for some reason I just pictured that face if I ever did anything w/ C and he found out.

So I can’t do it.

Thanks everyone for your insight.

syz's avatar

Why would you think that cheating is ok under any circumstances?

Blackberry's avatar

@syz I think it’s because ultimately, cheating in the sexual sense is not ‘real’, we made it up as a society (like religion) therefore, not everyone is going to follow it.. There is no law against it, it does not physically hurt anyone, and two people have the right and freedom to do whatever they want with another person. That is why.

But this whole topic is like Atheism vs. Christianity, no one is going to see the others’ side.

JTSTs2003's avatar

@syz: Actually I don’t think it’s okay at all and I have never thought it was. I do mention that.

I also don’t think it’s okay to watch a dollar bill fall out of someone’s purse and keep it…but I sure as hell won’t be giving it back! The greed is much bigger than the guilt.

@Blackberry: That does make sense, it’s been proven…and I hate the truth of it. But I definitely still feel it…

Blackberry's avatar

@JTSTs2003 I am not ‘for’ cheating, although I am ‘for’ questioning society’s ‘rules’ because a lot of them do not make much sense, but just protect people that rely on emotion too much.

JTSTs2003's avatar

@Blackberry Well I am definitely one of those people that rely on emotion too much! haha

Merriment's avatar

It sounds like you and B need to spend some time actually talking about all those issues swirling below the surface instead of acting out.

You say he did something to you that you considered cheating…you also say that he knows you are attracted to C but is saying nothing. It could be that he sees you and C as being something he can’t interfere with because he thinks he lost his right to speak up due to that past thing he did.

Talk with B honestly instead of just tormenting him with the possibility that you could cheat at any moment and he would be powerless to stop it.

You say Dont want to miss out on life just because I am committed to someone .

So don’t! If you can’t work on your relationship with B and get to the point that it is more satisfying to you then move on. Aboveboard and right out in the open and using your own power not the influence of a stranger who is romancing you knowing he is going to be totally out of your life shortly.

All this “will she or won’t she” worry that B must be going through is going to cost you in the long run…just like his “betrayal” forever changed your perception of him..you are changing yourself in his eyes right now too.

My hunch is that B is giving you a covert ultimatum by giving you the room to make up your own mind about keeping that date with C. My bet is that if you keep that date you will find the question of staying with B moot because B will have moved on.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Cheating will not make you happy. The root of your unhappiness lies with yourself. You seem to keep making choices over and over again for all the wrong reasons.

If you were your boyfriend, would you want your SO spending time with some guy who will probably try to get in her pants?

If you were C’s fiance, how would you feel about you?

augustlan's avatar

@Blackberry Well, I’m not saying that monogamy is the only way. In uncommitted relationships or open ones, having sexual contact with others is fine. However, if one has made an agreement to be monogamous, then cheating would be wrong. Always.

zenele's avatar

Couldn’t follow the question with ABC – got a headache from it.

Trillian's avatar

Zzzzzzzz (head drops back, neck snaps) Huh? (smacks lips, rubs eyes and looks around) Still not talked out of it? (scratches butt) Let me know how that goes. See ya.

FutureMemory's avatar

You’re not in high school? ;)

JTSTs2003's avatar

Update! Forgot about this too…Apparently I wasn’t talked out of it.

I cheated. I fell in love w/ C, who supposedly loved me too but still wasnt going to stay, broke it off w/B. Surprise pregnancy by C. Unfortunately, C was a coworker…& someone asked for a D? Here it is…

C’s close friend here, & a friend of mine (also a superior at work) who we had a little “crush” on e/o the previous yr (nothing happened)...is D.

Was going to have baby, C bullied me into abortion at last minute, the night of ultrasound D “feigned” an emergency (was drunk), almost raped me but I got away (C had just told him I was pregnant that night – he lied about knowing, about C telling him).

Everyone at work found out a month later (long story) & I’m pretty much ignored by everyone plus snide remarks from certain people, C was sent back to his country, D was fired. Abortion, C leaving, D’s attack – all extremely traumatic. Am still dealing with it (w/my new psychiatrist :/ )

Stayed off & on w/B – who it turns out had cheated on me more than I knew – finally broke it off in January. Have no regrets about that.

C pushed me to abort baby…I pushed C to tell fiancee. C hates my guts & hasnt spoken to me in almost a year, since he told her. They are still together. My involvement has sped up their nuptuals apparently – should be happening within a yr if not sooner (after 11yrs)?

& so all’s rotten that ends rotten…

So I deserve a big fat slice of “I told you so”...but you know what?? I’d repeat the C experience in a heartbeat…end the B one sooner…& leave D to “deal with his emergency” by himself.

janbb's avatar

Well, I hope you get yourself sorted out with your new therapist.

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