In a relationship, what would you consider as cheating?

Welcome to fluther.

If you put “cheating” into the search box there on the upper right, I think you’ll find a generous quantity of previous fluther comments on this subject.

Physical contact or expressing intimate feelings for another person

Physical and emotional, both are cheating (as far as I’m concerned).

@NIrishRockerChick Do I know you?

@jjmah What makes you think that?

@NIrishRockerChick your name.

@jjmah – Word.
And that emotional stuff can become very covert.

@jjmah where do you think youve seen my name before?

And what does covert mean?

I set the bar at eying, with a tad bit of leeway for human weakness.
@NIrishRockerChick Means “hidden”, “subtle,” “sneaky,” more or less.

I think it all depends – when you ask if you hug someone is it cheating – well i think if it’s a quick hug then no, but if you’re hugging for like an hour, a real long embrace, then i would not want to see someone i was with engaging in that behavior. it might not be cheating but i would not find it acceptable for my S.O. to be in an hour long hug. that’s just an example of how something that may seem innocent may not be so.

If you seen your boyfriend (or girlfriend) talking too the opposite sex in a bar and compleltly blanking you out.Would you agree that it would be a bit strange that he is talking too another girl and not his girlfriend? Or could he be just being friendly

If you have to even ASK if something is cheating you have already answered your own question.

Cheaters want to minimize and split hairs on degree.

Unless someone is a true sociopath they ALWAYS know from the feeling they get, or imagining a partners reaction if they are crossing a line.

Damn.

Hug lasting more than 1 minute and desiring more——Cheating.
Kiss lasting more than a peck on the cheek, and especially on the lips and desiring more——Cheating
Thinking about someone else mentally, especially when your s.o. is with you——Cheating
Sharing your emotional life with someone other than your s.o.—-Cheating
Ignoring your s.o. at a bar while chatting up the waitress (other woman, friend, woman going by with the canapes)—-Cheating and rude

Read the book Emotional Infidelity. To be honest emotional infidelity is probably the deepest sort of infidelity.

And usually your intuition is right.

I agree with @jca, short hugs are fine, but excessive time spent with someone expressing and embracing feelings with some other other than their S/O is a little..too close to the edge. I certainly would not take it to easy and start wondering about what my husband actually was doing. And again, referring to what jca said, ”..that’s just an example of how something that may seem innocent may not be so.” I just couldn’t say it any better!

yes it was such an important line I just has to quote you! :)

I guess i was in denial =/

@NIrishRockerChick

Maybe, maybe not.

You’d have to share more details.

A friendly chat is not cheating.

Are you the jealous insecure type that is fearful of your guy having any contact with other women no matter how benign?

A chat in a bar is not the same as a private lap dance. lol

If someone wants to cheat it is never your fault, not knowing, or not expecting it, is not denial, it just means you trusted and someone let you down.

Denial is knowing for sure but pretending you don’t, or making excuses for flaming arrows being shot in your face. lol

Some people are just cowards and they may care for you but can’t keep their hands out of the cookie jar. Sucks but not your fault and not a reflection of your worth.

Be strong!

Okay this is for example. My boyfriend and i, have been going out just over a year and a half. He goes out drinking with his mates quite a bit without me. Ive always been a bit paranoid anyway. But last week he went out drinking, and when he got home, he told me he had been to the bar for six hours, drinking on his own. Now this is definatly not something he would do. And the thing that made me think about the cheating was. When he was in the bar, he text me saying about his ex girlfriend and how he turned her down for me. This made me think. Why did she suddenly pop into his head when he never speaks about her?...Was he actually in the bar drinking with her?

I hope this makes sense.

You cannot know anything for certain, so be careful about making up stories in your mind, that is just unecessary torture.

Have you asked him up front and directly…’ Have you been in any contact with your ex gf recently. ever’

Watch his body language, does he make eye contact, look away or answer easily without dodging the question, does he get angry at you?

Read up on body language and how to spot a liar.

It does seem unlikely he spent 6 hours in a bar all by his lonesome…but, that’s why I don’t agree with people spending time in bars apart from their partners, short of a mature drink over dinner. Nothing good ever comes from hanging out in bars when in a relationship.

Yeah i can see were your coming from there. Maybe i am insecure. Im not too sure. I cant blame my past relationships, even though theres been a few pretty tough ones. But that would not be fair too blame my past on the way i treat my current boyfriend. I think its just the way he goes out drinking, doesnt get in contact with me for hours. Then that makes me wonder why he cant just send a simple too send a text saying, hey im alright. I dont see why he would go to a bar anyway, ive always said to him about how i dont think its fair. But on the other hand, he deserves a life a way from me sometimes i guess.

And i have indeed asked him if he has been speaking to any of ihs ex girlfriends recently, and he does look me in the eye and say no. I dont know where im getting it from, but its like a feeling that no matter how many times he looks me in the eye, i still get a bad feeling. Maybe im the bad one here. Either that or hes a really good liar.

Cheating is when we break promises to our partner, spoken or unspoken. If your partner would be hurt by what you’re doing, it’s cheating… whether by word, deed or inaction.

All we have to do is ask ourselves how our partner would feel. It’s that simple.

Kinda like pornography, I can’t define it, but I know when I see it! Or in this case feel it.

I guess. I don’t know what too think now =/ Thanks guys x

Any form of intention to cheat is cheating.

Just out of curiosity. Is cyber/phone sex considered as some form of cheating?

If it’s not with your S/O then yes. Why would he need to have phone/cyber sex with someone other than his girlfriend? Being with someone is a commitment you chose to make. If you can’t stick to that commitment and feel the need to look elsewhere then there is something wrong.

anything involving another person that your partner knows you would not approve of. in some relationships, thats fine, but in most, it isn’t, and it’s up to each person to know what crosses the line. i’d think there are even women who don’t want their boyfriends to hug other women…and in most relationships that’s no problem. you just have to know where the line is for the other person.

a kiss other than a quick peck on the cheek for a friend is across the line for me. i dont mind that or hugging or sitting with arms around one another in a friendly way. but anything more sexual is a no no.

Aaaaahh….I must say, I am soooo glad my young love days are over. lol

Thing is, even at my age, the vast majority of single men…well, there’s a damn good reason for it. They have burned all their bridges with the really good women in their lives that had to suffer through their stupidity and immaturity.

I have been single for 7 years now, and, the longer I am single, the more I cherish it! ;-)

Matthew 5:28 says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
This is my criterion.

Cheating is jealousy defined.

You have to be careful. If you nag on about cheating and he’s not, then he may do it just because you already think he is.

A year and a half is when a relationship settles in to being the norm, so no, it’s not uncommon for a guy to go out drinking with his mates quite a bit, if that’s his most comfortable form of socialization. Do you have things that you do on your own with your friends, or is your only form of socialization as a couple?

From the brief details of the particular example you gave, my inclination would be to look at it this way.

If he had spent that time in the bar talking with his ex and I found out about it from someone else, that would send up a red flag.

But if he were cheating on you with his ex that night on the bar, why on earth wouldche want to risk raising your suspicion about it by mentioning her name to you ?

Cheaters are usually sneaky about their actions and this doesn’t seem to fit that scenario.

Just because he mentioned her doesn’t mean he was with her. And if he were, then mentioning her name to you without saying he was with her would be just about the stupidest thing ever, wouldn’t it?

BTW

To answer your Q in a more general way, my definition of cheating would be this:

Any contact, whether verbal or physical, that you would feel awkward about if your SO were standing next to you (or looking over your shoulder reading for emails or porn).

If it needs to be done secretly, that’s a danger zone.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I agree with @jjmah ; emotional infidelity can be just as damaging as the physical kind.

I wouldn’t consider hugging or a peck cheating.
What I would consider cheating is doing those things behind your SO’s back. If things are done up front then they have nothing to hide.
Perhaps you are feeling insecure. Why are you thinking this way? Why would your SO want to cheat on you? Have more confidence in yourself.

Not involving me in a threesome is cheating.

@DarlingRhadamanthus…found your response interesting.

If somebody has a short term physical relationship with somebody but continues to be friends without the physical intimacy and then gets into a serious relationship with somebody else but continues to see and keep in touch with the other person on a regular basis…is this considered to be ‘emotional infidelity’?

@definitive…just saw your comment.

It depends. I was involved a long time ago with someone….and our relationship (which was intimate) turned into a friendship. I went on to date other people, he went on to date other people. We remained friends. Our relationship turned into a great platonic friendship…there is no old chemistry, no flirting, nothing…it’s like that relationship was over and we became real friends (not friends that you still can sleep with, or friends that still make you sizzle). It’s really like having a girlfriend…except its a guy. Or probably more like a brother-sister relationship. When I date people, he meets them and vice-versa…sometimes we double-date.

There is no emotional infidelity in that we are not “lusting” after each other, or want to be with each other. When I said, “Sharing your emotional life with someone other than your s.o…” I meant, sharing deepest passionate emotions, yearnings, and all that goo-goo stuff with someone else——“My wife doesn’t understand me..but you do….” sort of conversations, especially when you aren’t even attempting to communicate with your wife or s.o.! Emotional infidelity is when you do not allow your partner to know what you really, truly feel…your deepest thoughts…but you tell someone else that you are attracted to. I think that to be “emotionally unfaithful” you have to have emotions (lust, love, yearning, longing) for that other person…..other than your s.o. If you just keep in touch in a friendly way (without wanting a true reconnection) then it’s not that. I also think that it helps if your s.o. meets the people in your life….as Carrie Bradshaw said of her relationship with Big, “No secrets.”

@DarlingRhadamanthus…thanks for your response I found it really helpful :-)