Social Question

gleegirl01's avatar

Have you ever had a "crush" on someone else since you have been married?

Asked by gleegirl01 (19 points ) June 28th, 2010

I have been happily married for a few years. Within the last month, I have developed a “high school crush” on someone on a rec team I play on. While I don’t think about cheating on my spouse, or taking it any further than casual flirting, is this considered cheating? Have you had feelings like this for someone other than your spouse? What was the outcome? Should I make a real effort to stop, or could this be considered healthy?

Am I kidding myself that this is harmless?

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27 Answers

Seek's avatar

The litmus test is “Would you feel angry or upset if your significant other were doing the same thing?” If the answer is “yes”, then it is cheating, and you should make every effort to stop.

And my own personal answer is not really. I mean, I know several attractive men, but I have no desire to pursue them in any way.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I have not had any crushes on anyone else while being married or even when we were dating. I personally believe it’s wrong to flirt while in a relationship.

Would you want your husband to see how you act with this new guy? If you wouldn’t want him to see what you are doing, I think you should stop immediately.

KhiaKarma's avatar

I have had crushes, and have even been able to talk to my hubby about (some of) them….but don’t kid yourself flirting is dangerous and some consider it cheating even if it doesn’t lead to sex. Emotional cheating has been discussed on here a lot, you could look it up and see other responses.

Sometimes it is possible to channel the attraction into your own relationship and have the sexual energy that you have tapped into benefit rather than hurt your marriage.

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Neizvestnaya's avatar

When I was married then I did develop a few crushes and tried to handle them under the guise of friendships but like others here have said, make no mistake the power of emotional cheating is STRONG and what you might justify as being innocent and flattering could really hurt the feelings of your spouse or catch you off guard to start developing deeper feelings. Pull yourself back if you can and be conscious that anything you feel the need to keep secret from your spouse is probably over the line of what they’d be comfortable with.

Blackberry's avatar

What would be unhealthy is not having a crush on anyone else, ever, after getting married. In my opinion it’s completely normal.

beccalynnx's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr I agree. If you’d be hurt if your SO did it, it’s just not right. You need to get yourself away from the situation, or get over it.

Spider's avatar

You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do. And only you know how strongly you feel about someone. Attraction and a little flirtation can lead to a touch here or there, and maybe a little kiss, and so forth. It can be a slippery slope.

I don’t think crushes themselves are a problem since they usually don’t last long and (this is key) as long as the feelings are not acted on. But as soon as you give into it, it can become dangerous. It’s fun and exciting to have feelings for someone, and doing things that express those feelings would make it even more so, whether you plan for it or not.

It doesn’t matter whether anyone else thinks it’s “cheating” or “considered healthy” or “harmless” because everyone’s definition is different, no one else is in the relationship you are, and only you know your actions and the motivations behind them. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes and imagine how he would feel if you told him about your crush – that is what matters.

beccalynnx's avatar

Oh, And I’m not married, but in a serious committed relationship, and have found myself in the same sort of odd “crush” situation. It bothered me for a while, because I really didn’t understand why I had all those strange feelings. I gave myself a brake, and spent some serious one on one time with my partner, reminding me of why I loved him so much. Realizing that he makes me super happy was all I needed. I got over that crush and moved on.

john65pennington's avatar

I have had only one crush and that was and is with my wife. you are flirting with danger. just one indicement from her and you are over the line. flirting can sometimes get out of control and before you know it, you are in trouble. best to think about your wife and leave the flirting to someone else. how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot in this situation? its something to seriously think about.

Zaku's avatar

I would say that it is healthy to have the reaction, be aware of it, share it with your spouse and discuss both of your thoughts and feelings and commitments openly.

YARNLADY's avatar

No, I have often seen people I admire, but never a romantic feeling or thought.

wilma's avatar

I think it’s normal to have those feeling now and then in a relationship.
It’s not OK to act on them in any way.
Keep those feelings to yourself. See the feelings for what they are, a normal little “crush” that will go away, just as it came. Turn that passion that you feel towards your spouse.

valdasta's avatar

The “flirting” part might be a bit dangerous; the other party might get the wrong message and expect more than what you are willing to give. You may even end up taking it farther than you originally planned.

There is a friend of the family whom I believed my wife to have a “crush” on. He is charming and so on, but I do not feel threatened. A bit jealous, but I am secure with our marriage. I am the man of her life and have no doubts about her love and loyalty to me.

I also understand my wife because, I too, have had what you might call a “crush” on a gal, but that is a natural attraction.

Love is what keeps emotions, feelings, “crushes”, in check. I love my wife…that is why I married her. Love is not just a feeling – it is commitment. True love is staying loyal to your spouse even when the grass seems to be greener on the other side.

jonsblond's avatar

Once. Bill Clinton.

my husband has a crush on him too, so it’s ok

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

The only crush I’ve ever had was on the lady who became my wife.

bunnygrl's avatar

Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Christopher Eccleston, Alan Rickman, Kenneth Branagh…. but hubby knows about them and in some cases they were there first lol Seriously though, hubby was my friend before he was anything else and even all these years later (nearly 30) he makes my heart skip a beat just by walking in the room, I only have to think about him for my pulse to race a little…. what I’m trying to say is that there is no man on this earth who can hold a candle to him. He’s my beginning, my end and everything there is in between. So I suppose the answer is no, and I can’t imagine ever meeting anyone who could come close to the gorgeous blue eyed honey I’ve been blessed with, and yes I do realise how lucky I am.

sleepdoc's avatar

Well a crush with in person interaction is definately more dangerous than on with someone who is a star or a public icon. They happen for sure but we have to be careful with what we allow ourselves to think and feel.

mattbrowne's avatar

I think it’s normal. But there’s a difference between enjoying the fantasy and turning it into a dangerous reality.

wilma's avatar

Right now my six year old self has a crush on AstroChucks six year old self.

sorry I don’t mean to derail this serious topic

Seek's avatar

@wilma

Hey! My six-year-old self called him first!

wilma's avatar

We’ll have to use a cootie catcher to decide this one.

Seek's avatar

I say we play MASH.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Kudos and lurve for @Spider for saying, “You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do.”

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

Be careful. Everything starts in your mind.
You owe it to your spouse.

dabbler's avatar

totally normal, have fun be respectful, don’t do or say anything with your crushee that you would be shy to do in front of your spouse. Same stuff as the wise theme Spider started

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