Seven weeks after my only son (his step-son) died, he asked for a divorce when I went to go stay with my sister in Vegas for support. I shouldn’t need her support he said. He needed me home.
Then, 16 weeks after my son died, he left the sleeping pills on the dresser after agreeing with the Dr. to be in charge of them to keep me safe. I was absolutely distraught and was not able to sleep without the medication. Surprise: I overdosed.
We broke up after I got drunk one night and blurted out a horrific act he committed (he told me about when breaking up with his first wife before he met me) in front of my step kids. I never drank in front of the family before or broke code of secret keeping – ever.
Computer records show he was on dating and sex sites a mere 5 hours after I drove the U-Haul out of my driveway. He hasn’t stopped since.
Being separated for 3 months and me back in Vegas with my sister, he then had an 8 month affair with an acquaintance I had for 20 years. He later said he ‘needed to be loved’. She drove up that drive way to screw him but not once to be a friend to me after my son died. She said that it was my job to reach out to her when I needed help. Oh yeah.
We came in contact after divorce and being apart 2 years. He slept with me then dumped me weeks later. I just wasn’t ‘well’ enough for him. Sex was okay but talking about what happened was not and really healing was not. He ‘wasnt’ ready’. But he was ready for sex.
We got back together a week and a half later (silly me, I begged) when I learned my step son took X and had a seizure. I explained that recovery is a family process and alcoholism (his mine and the kids’) is also a family problem. “We can do this! The Big Book says we can!” In private he would repeatedly tell me that he could leave me that very moment and never look back, he really didn’t want to be with me. In public he was telling people how awesome I was and that he didn’t deserve me; how I ‘came back from the dead’. He was ‘so proud of my recovery’.
He has a commemorative tattoo of my son’s initials on his back – shares in public he’s so sad he ‘lost his son’. Yet I don’t have the same privileges with my 3 step-sons. I’m not good enough.
8 weeks before my son was killed in February 2006 in a snow squall/auto accident, he told his first ex-wife that he was divorcing me. He then told me about his conversation with her and said that my son (remember ‘his son’ he references having lost) and I had to move out, that it was a bad marriage and he made a mistake – and that I had to do it with zero financial help. I made 1/10 of what he did and he demanded the house. That’s how he treated ‘the son he lost’ before my boy died. I begged him to keep our lives together so that we could build a secure future, a true homestead for our 4 boys – ‘we can do it!!!’ I said.
He refused to participate in couples counseling honestly through the years when I dragged him. I was the sole problem in his eyes.
Fire fighting officer. “Hero.” “Compassionate.” “Saves lives.” What a guy.
Now on match.com looking for his ‘goddess’.
May God help her.
I feel better. Thanks. Now SOMEBODY other than me has heard the truth of what it was like to be in my shoes with him. I now see clearly how I refused to see him for who he really is and that my staying was wrong, from the first time he said he wanted it to end. Love is a willing behavior, love is an action, love is chemistry, love is respect. Love is not what we had. Love is not what I had for myself. Til now.
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