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ZEPHYRA's avatar

What can a person do about an ex(not in a marriage)who just won't get the message and get on with his life?

Asked by ZEPHYRA (15087 points ) August 25th, 2010

He must be about fifty, very possessive, unemployed for an extremely long time, basically living off his father’s pension and not making much of an effort to do much. The woman who had a relationship with this man, got tired of constantly “lending” money and being the one required to pull her weight constantly. Extreme jealousy issues(on his side) and generally things were not moving on. Now a year later he still approaches her, popping up suddenly almost wherever she is, begging for them to get back together! How does a person deal with such a case? He is not moving on or getting the message and not letting her move on either!

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18 Answers

second_guessing's avatar

Ultimately it is his problem that he won’t move on, she must draw a line for him not to cross, tell him bluntly how she feels. If he is harassing her then that’s a serious matter and one for the Police.

BarnacleBill's avatar

“Have you changed? Got a job? No? Good-bye.”

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@second_guessing she doesn’t want to hurt him more, she wants it all to end in a civilized way, the relationship lasted for about 15 years, lots of time was wasted and I guess she cannot throw the rest of her life away. Deep down I sense she loves him and feels sorry for him, but he is latching on for life!

second_guessing's avatar

@ZEPHYRA he needs professional help then, someone being over jealous and controlling has mental health issues or issues from their past…. either way he needs to resolve these before she should tolerate being near him. Sometimes tough love is what’s needed to get through to some people!

BarnacleBill's avatar

In that case @ZEPHYRA, perhaps it’s really more of an apology “I’m sorry, Bill. I spent the last 15 years wanting and waiting for you to change into the person that I needed you to be. I finally realize that it’s not possible for you to be the person I need for you to be. It’s not fair to you to expect you to change into someone that you are incapable of being. There is no future for me with the person that you really are; that’s not what I want and need.”

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@BarnacleBill so she must be expected for the rest of her life to work and hand over the money she makes so “Bill” can hang out with his friends all day, drink and play lucky games. When she doesn’t have enough cash, then it’s daddy’s turn to foot the bill. Borrowing left, right and center and then expecting dad and the lady to pay back! Is it a question of wanting him to change or more of, I CAN’T TAKE THIS LIFE ANYMORE, I SHOULD HAVE WOKEN UP A LONG TIME AGO AND LEFT!

Cruiser's avatar

As much as she may care for this guy he sounds obsessed and doesn’t seem like he is gonna go away any time soon and may ramp up his efforts for getting her attention. Get her Mace or a Taser this guy sounds like he needs a stronger message to not mess with her ever again.

BarnacleBill's avatar

No, she has to say the words, “I was stupid. I realize I was stupid. I refuse to continue to be stupid. I recognize that you are incapable of change, and it was stupid of me to expect you to change. The only person I can expect to successfully change is myself.”

She has to own the responsibility for being wrong and making a bad choice. She made a bad choice in investing so much time in him.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@BarnacleBill I totally agree with you. It is NOT a question of expecting anyone else to change, it is a question of what was she doing with her life all this time? Plus, he was always urging her to get married to him and start a family!!!!!! How crazy is that of him????

BarnacleBill's avatar

She is in this situation because ultimately she expected that somehow he would wake up and become a man instead of a 50 year old boy. She expected change, she expected gratitude. That was what she was doing with her life the past 15 years. Waiting for change that never came. Sitting at a bus stop where no busses will ever stop.

As for getting married, it’s perfect for him. He gains a mother.

Frenchfry's avatar

I would tell him if I was in her shoes. When he can gets his shit together, stand on is own two feet ,and have his own place, and job. Keep it for two years .Ill think about it.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@Frenchfry and waste more of her life waiting for him to get-it-together? Let’s be honest, if he hasn’t done anything serious for the past decade or so, I doubt he’ll suddenly get his act together! The worst thing is that he is always, sailing around her neighborhood on a motorbike watching her, looking for her car, hoping to bump into her!!!!! Creepy uh?

BarnacleBill's avatar

Not creepy, desperate. Looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Wanting the money machine to continue to pay out. I’m sure his lifestyle took a serious hit without her income. That’s what he wants back, not her. He wants what she enabled by giving him money.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@BarnacleBill so you don’t think there is any nostalgia, love or longing for going back? It’s all about a meal ticket, right? I tend to agree with you but the thing is, we try to give people the benefit of the doubt! You are realistic, that is what I wanted, a realistic answer!

Frenchfry's avatar

@ZEPHYRA Exactly. So in other words he will never be in her life because he can’t hold a job for two years. Right?

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@Frenchfry exactly. No more excuses. I cannot understand a man of his age relying on his 80 year old father’s pension which really is not a high one. At some point he will have to do something to survive. I don’t think his dad will be alive forever. Then what? Relying on HER to be his meal ticket?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

After 15yrs then they’ve got history, mutual friends, cross family relationships built up and he knows what buttons to push to keep her engaged even if it’s by annoyance and/or distress. Short of moving away from anything he knows about her, she’s stuck until he finds a new fixation or relationship.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@Neizvestnaya, I would venture a guess that he as no real friends, only people that use other people, too. Most friends and family probably to out of their way to avoid him, in case he asks them for money.

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