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amazonstorm's avatar

Does One Every Truly Get Over The Death of A Parent?

Asked by amazonstorm (535 points ) August 31st, 2010

So, back in March, I came home from school to find that my mother had passed away while I was gone. In the six months since she died, I’ve had highs and lows run rampant and I’m wondering if it ever gets any easier.

Does it? Do you ever get over the death of a parent or loved one or do you just learn to cope? How do you deal with that loss?

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19 Answers

serafina's avatar

I don’t know if getting over it is the right term to say, but it will get easier in time.

You accept their death and learn to cope with it. No two people deal with death of a close family member the same way.

Talking to another member of your family, or close friend sometimes helps, share your thoughts.

I always think of the happy times, the things that made me smile when i feel sad. And i think of them watching over me and them not wanting me to be sad and not get on with my life and it seems to be the kick up the ass that i need at that point.

I think if you have good support from your family/friends then yes it does get easier in time, but there is no time scale for grieving…just you deal with it in your own time.

Austinlad's avatar

I lost my dad 40 years ago (he was very young and his passing was quite unexpected) and still miss him. But I don’t ache at his memory like I did for the year or so after he died. Mostly only happy reminiscences and dreams linger. On the other hand, my brother was living out-of-state at the time and didn’t get to see him before he died as I did, and I think that somehow has negatively impacted his life—certainly it has in the way he remembers the old man. I like to talk about dad but he doesn’t, for example. And he gets very defensive when anyone tells him he looks like his dad.

But everyone is different. I have a friend in another state who gets as sad about the loss of her mom almost three years later as if it happened last week. I think the length of the hard pain depends not only on how close one was to the parent, but also where he/she in their own life.

jazmina88's avatar

I lost my father and sister before I was 2. I have a definite hole that wont be filled.
My Mom is 91 and we are dysfunctionally close. I dont know what I will do without her.

whatthefluther's avatar

Good question. I lost my father earlier today. Actually, now it would be yesterday, 08/30. I had thought I would precede him with my disease (ALS). I know parents fear having their children precede them. My Dad lived 84 generally healthy, relatively happy years and had a similar attitude as I: don’t grieve my death…..celebrate my life. Time will tell how his passing affects me but right now I feel a deep loss and am sad.
See ya…...Gary/wtf. .

monocle's avatar

I may not know any of you but my heart truly goes out to you all. It gets better with time, please be open with your family and support one another. I hope you overcome your sorrow and find peace in your hearts some day.

Frenchfry's avatar

Oh! I am so sorry @whatthefluther Condolences to you and your family,
My mother passed away in 1988. I was very sad. Time does heal but everyone heals or morns at their own pace. I still think of her when certain things trigger her memory like butterflies when I see one I think of her..She loved butterflies. I do miss her . My sister passed away early 90’s . She took me awhile . I miss her companionship and I had someone to call and talk to. Talk about anything. The last is my father who passed away last year on Father’s day. I took him the hardest. He was the last of my family. I feel sort of orphaned. I still cry out of the blue. So I am still in mouring in away. It has been over a year. Hang in there. Just remember it os ok to cry. Let it out. You will feel better. I am sorry for your loss as well.

Ben_Dover's avatar

I don’t know…yet!
Condolences to you, @amazonstorm and @whatthefluther and you too, @Frenchfry and everyone else who has lost a loved one.

ucme's avatar

As in all tragic cases of this nature, it’s never an issue of getting over. More accurate to say learn to cope with your grief. Which, as is normal, we all do in our own way. I myself have until now never suffered the loss of a parent but both my wife’s parents are no longer with us. Her Mother died when my wife was still a child. Her Father just recently. She has coped admirably.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I haven’t lost a parent but my mom lost her dad about 13 years ago, and just the other day she was crying about it. My best friend died a little over a year ago and I’m just getting to where I can talk about him without crying, so yes it does eventually get better. Just think of it as their in a better place watching over you.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Condolences to all those who have lost their beloved people. Remeber them in the best and brightest way possible, forgive them for their mistakes and thank them for the golden moments. I hope they live on in your memory in a balanced state filling your mind with love.

BoBo1946's avatar

So sorry for your loss! Time is a great healer. Take one day at time….it’ll get better.

SuperMouse's avatar

@amazonstorm, first condolences on your loss. My mother died when I was twelve, I am well into my 40’s now and I can honestly say that I do not feel the loss as intensely as I once did. There have been many, many times during my life when I wished I had a mom around, but with time I have gotten more used to those moments and they don’t Iurt nearly as much as they used to. It takes time, lots of time. For now it is ok and completely normal and natural to hurt.

A long time ago on the television show Hardcastle and McCormick I heard a quote about dealing with the death of someone you love; someone said “you don’t get over it, you just get used to it.” In my experience that is the absolute truth.

john65pennington's avatar

It’s called loss depression. all of us will face this situation at one time or another, in our lifetime. i am no exception. before my dad died, i use to drive him around in my car. he could not drive anymore. after his death, i remember looking in the rearview mirror of my automobile and seeing my dad still in the back seat. this was traumatic for me for a while. as time passes, so does the loss depression. never lose the memories of your mother. just remember, the old saying is so true that “time heals all wounds”. you have better times coming….promise. john

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@amazonstorm and @whatthefluther My heart goes out to you for your loss of a parent. Yes, most people learn to cope with the loss, and it gets easier over time.

For me, the first year was the hardest after losing Dad and a sister. As the holidays and special days are celebrated, my thoughts always turn to them. The hardest part for many is when they think of something and reach for the phone to call that person, only to have it dawn on them that they have passed.

Talking to others that knew your mom might also be cathartic. It’s been very helpful for our family. You might also want to try writing about it. My sister wrote a short allegory when Dad was diagnosed with cancer. She said that it just poured out. If you (or anyone) would like, let me know in PM and I’ll send you a copy. It’s quite beautiful.

janbb's avatar

I was very lucky; I had my Dad until I was in my mid-fifties and we had many good times in his last years. The loss was thus not as devastating as it would have been if I had been young and the pain has certainly mellowed to a pang.

I am sorry for your loss.

muppetish's avatar

It might get easier, but it won’t go away. My mum lost both her parents in succession. Her mother passed away after fighting colon cancer and the next year she lost her father to lung cancer. Both times, she was pregnant and she didn’t have time to grieve. After my brother was born, everything hit full force. We went on holiday to take her mind off things. She tells us lots of stories about both her parents and she often called her brother (who lives out of state) and they would swap stories, too. Her current family was what helped her through her losses.

I’m so sorry for your loss. A close friend lost his dad around the same time. He’s still grieving, too.

nebule's avatar

I have no idea as neither of my parents have passed away but I imagine it will be truly horrific and my heart goes out to you. I imagine grieving for years and years and years…how can you indeed get over it? I don’t think you could really…whether they had been good or bad parents. However, I will say though that I’m struggling to get over a lot of stuff at the moment so I don’t know…there are a lot more stronger people out there than I. much love xxx

Nicole8's avatar

I don’t think that it is so much getting over the death of a parent, it’s really about learning how to deal with it.

I would be lost if I lost my mother.

daytonamisticrip's avatar

If a mother bird’s babies are killed by a snake the next day it is out foraging for food. Life never stops. It continues on barely noticing the loss, and the mother continues only thinking about what happened. Your mother has passed on but your life must continue.

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