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FLgator1289's avatar

What are the funniest, most ridiculous quotes from the NEW testament of the bible?

Asked by FLgator1289 (99 points ) September 15th, 2010

There are some ridiculous quotes from the old testament, for example, the one’s that are referenced in the famous Letter to Dr. Laura…but any crazy fundamentalist Christian will snap back with the brilliant rebuttal that those are from the OLD Testament and that they follow the NEW Testament, and they don’t believe in those things either. I can’t find any ridiculous quotes in the New Testament aside from the well-known “No man shall lie with another man…”

What are some others?

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24 Answers

TexasDude's avatar

Well, I know you specified New Testament, but the following quote from Ezekiel has always made me lol hard.

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Ezekiel 23:20

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Matthew 28:6 “He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.”

Most of Revelation is very weird, so you may want to read that too.

fundevogel's avatar

In Luke 14:26 Jesus preaches that hatred is absolutely necessary to be a disciple. It’s more disturbing than ridiculous, but it still gets the point across that the Bible’s got some serious issues.

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.”

CaptainHarley's avatar

@fundevogel

Ever heard of hyperbole to make a point?

robmandu's avatar

The Bible is full of informative sexual imagery. Try reading Song of Solomon for a detailed explanation of love, romance, and sex between husband and wife.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve been given a poor explanation of the difference between the Old and New Testaments. The New does not supersede the Old. Instead it explains how Christ’s sacrifice paid in full the requirement of Law set forth in the Old.

Sorry, no humorous verse citations from me at this time.

Ben_Dover's avatar

Undoubtedly something was lost in the translation @fundevogel .

All that verse means is that people who loved money, who loved his life in the capitalist system… well, they’re not on the bus.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Deuteronomy 25:11–12

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

Whitsoxdude's avatar

@fundevogel That was a precaution. He knew a lot of his disciples would die the same way he did.
Somewhere in Genesis, the entire male population of a city is killed because their leader raped someone.

fundevogel's avatar

Regarding Luke 14:26

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.”

@CaptainHarley “Ever heard of hyperbole to make a point?”

So he really just meant that you had to rather dislike your family and life in general to be a disciple? I don’t see how that is at all healthy or positive either.

@Ben_Dover “Undoubtedly something was lost in the translation”

Ah, the ol’ if it doesn’t make sense it must be because I can’t comprehend God’s masterful words or it was mistranslated or someone changed it. This is just a different way of saying God can’t be wrong so even though he seems to be wrong, there has to be an explanation in which he isn’t wrong, despite all appearances and to the contrary. Of course if this bit of the Bible might be wrong, so could any other bit and then you’ve really got a pickle because you have no way of knowing what is God’s word and what is man messing things up. Unless you are satisfied to claim that when The Bible agrees with you it’s God’s word and when it doesn’t it’s been corrupted.

@Ben_Dover “All that verse means is that people who loved money, who loved his life in the capitalist system… well, they’re not on the bus.”

Really? Because Jesus doesn’t say anything about money or capitalism here, just family and life. The interpretation I get from the verse is that Jesus wants you to forget about enjoying your life and family and just focus on him. It kinda makes it sound like Jesus wants his followers to be willing to abandon their family to follow him.

@Whitsoxdude “That was a precaution. He knew a lot of his disciples would die the same way he did. Somewhere in Genesis, the entire male population of a city is killed because their leader raped someone.”

I don’t see how asking people to hate life and family is a precaution against martyrdom. It sounds like the cult tactic of separating members from their families and other influences that might make indoctrination difficult. Not saying Jesus was starting a cult, I’m just saying this tactic is seriously shady and vile.

Also that story where every man in the town killed over a rape is the Rape of Dinah. I am well acquainted with it. However it does not support a claim of Jews or early Christians (who didn’t exist at the time) being at risk of martyrdom. It supports the claim that the early Jews were not people to fuck with. I did a blow by blow of the story here.

Seek's avatar

I Corinthians chapter 11 – Men aren’t allowed to pray with hats on or have long hair. Women aren’t allowed to cut their hair (it’s the same as being naked), and cannot pray without a head covering. Also, more typical “woman is the property of man” bull.

3But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

4Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.

5But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.

6For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

7For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.

8For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.

9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

10For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.

11Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.

12For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God.

13Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?

14Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

15But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@fundevogel

I will not be put in the position of defending cultural mores and folkways, such as the thing about long hair for women. However, at Matthew 10:37 we find, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me,” which clearly indicates that Luke 14:26 is an alternate phrasing, and hyperbolic.

I don’t normally get into this sort of “who shot John” thing, but this was just too glaring to pass by. Use of the word “hate” is not a good English translation of the original Aramaic.

This concludes my involvement in a question which has as its sole purpose the denigration of someone’s religion. I am sorely disappointed that some of the very people who have attacked me on here for some of my FACTUAL statements about Islam now see nothing wrong with assailing Christianity by making fun of the New Testament. What’s wrong with focusing ( once in awhile ) on the fact that Christianity is all about love, not “hate?”

Seek's avatar

What’s wrong with focusing ( once in awhile ) on the fact that Christianity is all about love, not “hate?”

Personal experience proves otherwise. And don’t pull the “They weren’t Real Christians™” card. It’s bullshit and you know it.

I attack Christianity more often because it is the religion I am most familiar with, and the one that affects the greatest number of people that I know. However, I have no love for Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, Hare Krishna, or any other of the violent tribal religions that have infected the world.

I will admit I have no problems with wicca – mostly because their only holy edict is “Harm none”, and they don’t do anything more violent than light a black candle once in a while. I like incense as much as the next person with a nose.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr “It’s bullshit and you know it.” I know no such thing. Perhaps this will clarify things a bit:

One of the Pharisees tested Jesus with a question, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied, ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments

fundevogel's avatar

@CaptainHarley “I will not be put in the position of defending cultural mores and folkways, such as the thing about long hair for women. However, at Matthew 10:37 we find, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me,” which clearly indicates that Luke 14:26 is an alternate phrasing, and hyperbolic.”

The fact that the Bible says something else, somewhere else doesn’t not undermine the validity of that quote, it just shows that the Bible can’t keep its story straight. also I think it’s pretty insane for a religious leader, or even a god to demand you love him more than your family. That’s the sort of thinking that makes people think it’s ok to kill their kids so long as they think it was God that told them to do it.

“I don’t normally get into this sort of “who shot John” thing, but this was just too glaring to pass by. Use of the word “hate” is not a good English translation of the original Aramaic.”

I’m guessing that you must be a student of Aramaic then? Or you’ve read Aramaic scholars’ research into the matter? Biblical scholars don’t just pull their translations out of their ass. Go to Bible Gateway and check the various translations, some versions are better than others, but the use of the word “hate” is not controversial.

“I am sorely disappointed that some of the very people who have attacked me on here for some of my FACTUAL statements about Islam now see nothing wrong with assailing Christianity by making fun of the New Testament. What’s wrong with focusing ( once in awhile ) on the fact that Christianity is all about love, not “hate?”

I wasn’t around to see your comments on Islam so I can’t comment on their validity nor have I mocked your beliefs….yet. I do prefer it when Christianity encourages loving behavior. I prefer everyone, no matter their belief to espouse love. But that fact that sometimes it preaches nice things has nothing to do with whether or not it’s claims are accurate. Wiccans endorse some pretty lovey, hippy stuff and if we’re going by whose nicer, they win since unlike the Bible they haven’t institutionalized sexism, homophobia and tacitly approved slavery. But that doesn’t mean paganism is righter than Christianity just because it’s more pleasant. It just means its more pleasant.

The fact of the matter is I have yet to call Christianity hateful in this conversation. I just pointed out that, despite all the blather about Jesus being all about loving, he himself, not only accepted hate, he specifically mandated it. I didn’t sneak into your Bible and have my way with your red letter type. It’s there and you have to deal with it.

Honestly, I’ve seen you take a very moderate position on religion recently and I can sympathize with the difficulty of trying to argue for a loving version of Christianity over the more extreme versions. The problem is, the Bible is more consistent with an extreme version of Christianity than a moderate one. I’m afraid @CaptainHarley that you are a more loving and rational person than whoever wrote the Bible. I don’t think you should tie yourself to Bronze Age ideology when clearly you are already morally superior to it.

mammal's avatar

@fundevogel the point is, family life is hateful to the renunciate, in that the demands and dynamics of domesticity are a distraction. Nothing strange about that.

fundevogel's avatar

@mammal That’s really callous and irresponsible. It isn’t something to make a virtue of.

mammal's avatar

@fundevogel poppycock, we all want to rape our mothers and kill our fathers, castrate, smother or eat our children anyways. The renunciate acknowledges this and is at pains to disentangle himself from the unfortunate situation, permanently.

fundevogel's avatar

Shit, how did you know that my filicidal desire was the one thing that makes me question my decision not to have children?

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@mammal Freud was a cocaine addict, and his ideas are generally studied but not accepted by psychologists.

fundevogel's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh Strictly speaking, being a cokehead wasn’t what made him wrong.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@fundevogel True, but I’m not going to analyse it step by step here. Being a cokehead is just an indicator that he wasn’t necessarily full of good ideas.

fundevogel's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh No argument there. Though in all fairness I don’t think people knew how dangerous coke was back then. You could still buy it at the drug store. I don’t think you even needed a prescription.

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