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intro24's avatar

How can I make things right in a relationship?

Asked by intro24 (1424 points ) September 25th, 2010

So let me start by saying that I’m the kind of guy that naturally wants to talk constantly to his girlfriend and do little romantic things all the time; the “perfect guy” in my own mind. For example, I spent something like 7 solid hours on a card for our couple-of-months anniversary.

Unfortunately, this mentality isn’t working. Every relationship I’ve been in ends dully after a couple of months. My best guess is that I try too hard which exhausts our conversation topics and then makes the girl I’m with feel like she doesn’t have to try. If that’s the reason then the problem is that I don’t know how to deal with it. Before we’re dating the girl does all the texting and then once we’re together it sort of becomes my responsibility and I feel bad if I’m not texting her.

So eventually the relationship gets to the point where it takes forever for her to text me back or make plans with me. And I try to be myself around her so it’s not like it’s awkward when we’re together. But I get the feeling she doesn’t want to talk to me.

Overall, my dating history has proven that I’m doing something wrong in being the “nice guy” and I’d like to know how to fix this. Any suggestions? I’m pretty much open for any opinions here but please take it seriously. Thanks in advanced. Oh and by the way I’m in high school, just to clarify.

P.S. I’m sure someone’s had a similar problem before and I’ve tried to look into it but there’s so much sifting involved in finding specific relationship help. If there’s a similar question on Fluther or somewhere else on the web that anyone knows of a link would be helpful.

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15 Answers

snowberry's avatar

How about telling her when you’re going to call or text her, and don’t allow yourself to do it before that? This means using self discipline…Be the first to hang up or say goodbye, and in general leave her wanting more. There’s a lot to be said for distance makes the heart grow fonder (even if in this case it’s only an hour or a day or so…).

Edit: And I will also say that your present behavior sounds pretty obsessive. That can come across as controlling, and is generally threatening to a gal (at least every girl I know).

marinelife's avatar

Seven hours on a card for a couple of months anniversary? You, my friend, are obsessing. Women (no one, really) likes to be obsessed over.

Your relationships need to be balanced in your life: with other friendships, with activities and sports, with your family.

You may want to talk to someone (a therapist) about how you are putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. That is too much pressure for any relationship to live up to.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@intro24, I have to agree with @marinelife. If you are spending hours over a months’ anniversary card, then you have somehow transformed from “nice guy” boyfriend to Kudzu

It sounds like you may have a tendency to go overboard with relationships in order to keep them, and it’s having the opposite effect. Having a dating relationship should fit into your regular life, not consume your life. It’s too much of a burden to put on someone that you’re dating to expect them to be your whole social life.

flutherother's avatar

I know I don’t like to be crowded out in a relationship I like to have a little space in which to breathe and to be myself and lots of people feel the same. I don’t know if I would go so far as to recommend forgetting an anniversary but I’m sure there is a happy middle way. Good luck!

Moegitto's avatar

Dont like being part of the number game, but it really sounds obsessive. Think about how you feel on a crowded bus doing rush hour. That’s how your partners might feel when you over-abound them with feelings. Just try weening off slowly so they won’t think your reacting to something they did.

chyna's avatar

Take a look at your phone bill and see how many texts you are sending to the girl per month. Anything more than two or three a day is obsessive. How many phone calls a day? If anyone calls me more than once a day, I’m annoyed. Do you have guy friends? While dating, you should still hang out with your guy friends and not make the girl your entire life. An anniversary card for 2 months is a little clingy and usually unexpected from a guy. You should relax and just let the relationship happen, not orchestrate every minute of it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Others have given good advice. I’d say get your head out of these cliches about nice and bad guys and how you have to be to please whomever…just be you…and develop you and do things you like and be confident…people will gravitate to you if you have dimensionality. Smart people, anyway.

Marva's avatar

The answer is in the question…
It really sounds like you have some sort of fixation on what it means to be a “perfect guy”, a “nice guy”. You set the standart, than walked into it and tried to produce it.

Is it true to say that sometimes you do things for her, only so that she would think you are a “perfect guy”? If you didn’t have this motivation, how would you act?
If that is true, than here is your problem.

Being “Hard to get” might sound shallow, but it actually works on the basis of a very ancient human survival mechanism. When someone is hard to get, we assume they have a lot of options, the demand suggests quality.
It sounds like you come too easy, you do it all, she feels like a queen, so she’ll just go and get herself a king, or a doormat. (sorry for bluntness)

If you feel this analysis could be right for you, than you really need to learn how to stop being a pleaser, and how to be yourself. The problem is in the root of the matter, and this pattern is distorting the entire balance of the relationship. It won’t be easy, if you are soooo eager to please you must really be convinced you will not be loved if you don’t. You will clash into these beliefes from time to time. But you will learn to be your self, and please your self. Believe me, it is a far more attractive attribute in a man. I recommend therapy, for part of the road anyway.

And yeah, I have an example: I had just divorced the perfect guy a little over a year ago, eventually I just got tired of the pedestal. All I wanted was for him to have his own opinion, or his own life, his own idea of what we should do and so.

I’m sure you’ll get over it though, I noticed the way you analized yourself and how well the question was written, it seems like you are a highly inteligent guy, just give it a go in the right direction… Good Luck :)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

All the sweetest ideas and moves will be wasted if you don’t pick a reciprocal romantic partner.

Disc2021's avatar

I’m not one to say “try this, do that, don’t do this” when it comes to relationships, as all two people are different. What works for some couples wont always work for others. Some partners may love when you do certain things other partners may hate. Not everyone is on the same page and people enter into relationships for a variety of different reasons. This is why I dont believe a universal set of rules and regulations exists when it comes to relationships.

That said, I think you just need to find the girl who appreciates your level of commitment and encourages you to be the person you are. If you feel as if you’re being “The Perfect Guy”, keep doing what you feel is best or what’s most comfortable for you. By all means, if you feel like you have a problem, do what you can to change. However, I’d never recommend trying to be someone you’re not – for any given reason at all (especially not for a girl).

If you feel as if you’re being a little obsessive to the point where it causes your girlfriends to bail after a few months, you may want to try loosening the reins a bit. Otherwise, I stand by what I say – which is to be yourself, even if it means you have to look extra hard or be extra patient until you get to that special someone.

—Digression— I absolutely HATE playing the “waiting game” on whose turn it is to text or call. I consider it petty; it should never matter who calls first or who makes the plans.

mama_Panda's avatar

here’s what i don’t get.. when you aren’t dating a girl, what do you obsess over/spend lots of unnecessary time on? because from what you wrote, that all starts once you’re dating the girl.. so if you AREN’T doing that stuff before you are dating someone (you start after) that’s where you are failing.. she’s going out w/ you cuz she likes how you are before you change.. you are changing your personality.. that probably freaks her out—a “this isn’t what i signed up for” type of thing..

also, try to keep some space, keep going out w/ your friends, playing video games, etc once you are dating.. having “plans” outside of the relationship is ALWAYS beneficial.. you want her to become PART of your life, not your actual LIFE. :) hope that helps.

6rant6's avatar

I can just hear this conversation…

“How was your day honey? Did anything happen I’d be interested in hearing about?”

“Well I spent seven hours on our anniversary card!”

“Seven hours. Wow. So that’s…”

“Yeah, that’s about it. Seven hours on the card, shower, and got dressed…”

“Okay. Well, I think maybe I’ll text someone who has a life. ‘Scuse me.”

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

There is nothing wrong with trying to be the ”nice guy”, that is something ALL MAN should try to do. Being clingy, is another. If you do everything and leave her nothing to do back, she may feel she do not have to, or that she is there more as an object than a person. There are some women I know, that believe they are the center of the universe and all orbs circle them. Other women are such they feel they have to do everything for their man to keep him interested.

Maybe you contact her twice a day, but leave a two-day break now and then. When you do talk, or are together, make it dynamic. You don’t have to make it like she is toilet film and you have to make yourself talk to her, but make it seem you have a life and not just waiting by the phone for her every word.

Little ”I am thinking of you” gifts are nice now and than, but without pacing they will loose their uniqueness. Imagine if you were given a cruise three 40 weeks out of a year, after a time it will be just another boat trip. If you are always giving her stuff she might feel pressured to try and do the same, and if she can’t, she will feel funny. You want the relationship to be relaxed.

You want her to know you enjoy being around her, but that you also enjoy other things and have a life also.

john65pennington's avatar

Ever heard of the word “smother”? This appears to be your problem. Make yourself less available.

You can smother someone by being there 24/7. Give your next gf plenty of rope to let her have a lot of freedom.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Ever heard of that?

Only138's avatar

The only possible way it would take me 7 hours to make a card, is if I were drinking too much and passed out in the process.
Seriously though….you like to do special things for your girl…..it is a great possibility that she very well might like to do the same for you…but never gets the opportunity. Maybe this is the reason that they no longer feel like they have to try. When you like someone, and they like you…sometimes its the stuff that isn’t said….and the special looks and magic times together that make it work.
Ok, now I’m done being serious again…..going back to my usual obnoxious self again. :)

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