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toolaura4ya's avatar

Why does my boyfriend not like to go out?

Asked by toolaura4ya (270 points ) March 29th, 2008 from iPhone

I like to go out and do different things and experience the world. My boyfriend does not enjoy doing the same. I feel its a sort of anxiety but I tend to really wonder how someone can be content at home every night never experiencing the world.

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12 Answers

BioTechWarrior's avatar

I myself am the same kinda person, I would rather stay home then be out and about. He may be just less of a public person and wants to show his affection for you where he either won’t embarrass himself and won’t embarrass you.

toolaura4ya's avatar

I see what your saying I just love him and I feel sad out by myself but get bored at home all the time

teejay0514's avatar

My sister has that same problem with her husband because of their age difference. She wants to do things that he has already experienced, she’s just going through a phase that he has already passed. Maybe your boyfriend is just one of those people that like staying at home, sometimes I feel like that.

BioTechWarrior's avatar

you gotta find an activity that would keep you both interested and so neither of you get bored.

bulbatron9's avatar

Maybe, he has experienced enough to know that going out to bars and whatnot isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Also, this is really a good sign for you, because, in my opinion, the main reason men go out socializing is to meet women. It sounds like he’s happy where he’s at, with you!

If you’re talking about experiencing different places and cultures, then I don’t know what to tell you.

iSteve's avatar

Hmm. Agoraphobia was the first thing that came to my mind…

amandaafoote's avatar

Maybe he’s uncomfortable around a lot of people.

FlutherMother's avatar

Yes @toolaura4ya, there are many people who are content to sit back and not see the world. We like to call them homebodies. Everyone has different views on what is boring and what is comforting. The problem would be if you eventually come to feel your needs are not being met and you start to resent him. I am always a firm believer in compromise and communication in a relationship. I think he should be willing to make the effort to take you out to places you want to see, but, in return, you should also be willing to chill out at home other times. Talk to him about the things you want to do. If his reasons for not wanting to go out are related to just doing those specific activities or a specific type of activity, work together to alter the plans so that both of you can be happy (such as agreeing to go to a quiet restaurant instead of a lively bar if he is anxious around crowds). If he just doesn’t like going out period, then can you do some of these things you want to do with your pals? A night out for you and your friends maybe? How about trip with your family? In a strong relationship, you do not need to be joined at the hip for every night and every vacation. My husband is a homebody. He likes his quiet weekends and I am alway up for a bar-b-que at a neighbors, so I go and he stays. We understand each other’s needs, respect that, and we have been together for 21 years now. And yes, we have had lovely date nights at concerts and comedy clubs and such, and we have also had potential date nights where we just sit at home and read and raid the fridge for leftovers. Good luck. And remember in the end, any relationship worth having is worth working for.

osakarob's avatar

TooLaura, what does “go out and do different things and experience the world” mean?
Would you provide some examples. I thought Bulbatron’s answer was spot on, but you may be referring to something different.

toolaura4ya's avatar

@osakarob, going out to the bars is one thing but he doesn’t even really like going out to dinner. We’ve never had an actual date. Am I insane? Possibly but I just fell head over heels for him that dating took a backseat. I want to travel and see the world. I want to learn more about wines and music, play the violin and go to cosmetology school. I feel like I have so many dreams and desires. He says that he will do things with me but I haven’t seen it yet. I want him by my side to take a nose dive into life.

Angelina's avatar

I can understand someone not being interested in bars or restaurants. Luckily, there are plenty of cool things to do that he could potentially be interested in (of course, you’ll have to ask him!). I’m thinking of hiking, biking, art museums, natural history museums, aquariums, outdoor markets, dance classes, etc. Perhaps he doesn’t like to go out because there’s not a fun, interesting activity attached to it?

osakarob's avatar

In my field of second language acquisition, we are constantly faced with situations like the one you and your boyfriend are in, albeit in terms of students learning a new language. It is a question of motivation really.

Exploring, traveling, learning a new skill, studying, etc take us out of our complacent comfort zones. They also require lots of internal motivation. The burning feeling inside to do those things is often the most important quality (sometimes more important than intellect, aptitude, etc.) in determining your success. For example, in foreign language learning, it has been demonstrated that motivation correlates very well with proficiency. Learning a foreign language requires a long term commitment of years and years. People who have the internal motivation to learn it, often have the advantage of not giving up easily.

External motivation is the kind that pushes us to do things for ourselves which we might not necessarily want to do. (Think studying for a test to get a good grade, but not really caring about the material). Your boyfriend may have absolutely no interest in learning about music, wine or any of the other things that you mention, but he probably can be motivated at least in the short term to get out of the house and do some of those things, but he will do so not because he wants to, but because he rationally sees that he will have to do so to keep you happy. That kind of motivation correlates poorly with projects that require long term concentration.

In other words, you might get him to do those things a few times, but in the end, his long term commitment to YOUR goals is unlikely unless he too shares a desire to achieve them. You might try taking his hands in yours, looking him in the eye and saying something like, “Honey, I really want to start doing X, Y, and Z. It would be great if we did those things together, but I understand that you might not have any interest in them. I just wanted to let you know that I will be spending time from now on in those areas because they are really important to me and I don’t want you to feel left out. I’m still your girl, but this is just a heads up that I might be a little more active than I used to be.” Hopefully he won’t feel sidelined or neglected.

Now, as for you…..I suspect that you posted this because while you have a lot of desire to do things beyond your daily routine, you might not have the courage to do them alone. Many people realize too late that while they thought that they wanted their partner to do things with them, in fact what they wanted was another person close by to take the nervous edge off of some experiencing those new things. At the risk of sounding like an armchair phychologist, do you really NEED him to join you to do all the things that you say you want to explore? Can you do them with one of your galpals? A relative? Or just by yourself?

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