Is it polite to continue to speak in a different language when you have a guest?

I would say not, when I was young, I had a friend from Japan named Yuki. Even though the families dominate language is Japanese, they would all speak English for me when I was visiting.

I agree with you. Whenever I have friends over, I always remind my parents to speak in English so they don’t feel left out. We could be saying something as small as “pass the salt” and I know some people would imagine that we are insulting them or something. I am sure you don’t think that his family is insulting you but even then, it IS impolite and if your family has the courtesy to speak in English for him then his should extend the same to you. If i was in your position, I would discuss this in detail with the hubby and tell him how I feel left out etc whenever his family is over. You need to explain to him that everyone can have still have fun if they speak in a language that everyone understands. Ask him how he would feel if your family spoke in a different language while he was around. Maybe if he puts himself in your shoes, it will make more sense to him.

You are on the money as far as etiquette. What a pity that with so many languages in common, they choose the one you don’t understand!

Maybe you could invite them over for a special meal celebrating a specific culture of whose language everyone speaks, for an example, French, and have guests speak only French on that night and serve French cuisine, etc.

9 languages! are u guys language expert? anyway, its apparently not polite, i met this thing too.but not 9 languages many:

I would say what every you have to speak to include the most people. I had (thank god they got devorced) a sister in law who purposely spoke russian to her daughter and swept her from the room when ever it was just her her daughter me and my two kids. Finally my son, who didn’t speak russian, said “daddy, why is she mad at me”. When Franken-sis-in-law came back in I stepped between her and the kids before she could break them up again and said, “if you don’t stop speaking in russian and taking your daughter away everytime its just us, I will make it a point to bring your rudeness up the next time the whole family is together you arrogant woman. I don’t care if you don’t like me, I am relieved actually. It means I won’t have to worry about seeing you that often, or pretending to like you. But your effecting my kids. That I wont have. Now go over and apologize to them, in english and explain to him what your speaking. Teach him and help him understand. I will be back here. Then stop it.” She was an evil spiteful woman.

I grew up in a place where english was was not the dominant language; most of my classmates and neighbors spoke spanish as their first language. Often times at school my friends would begin to speak in spanish (or spanglish) just out of nowhere. Inevitably, they would return to english, but I always felt very left out at those times. When I was in their homes the older generations almost never attempted to speak english to me, but they did attempt to communicate in other ways. The younger generations, those my age and younger, all spoke english, but would switch in and out as the situation allowed. I did learn to understand quite a bit of spanish, but the times when my friends left me out made me feel like an outsider.

Having said that, I really think consideration should be given to those who are not native english speakers. Depending on the amount of english that is spoken, and how comfortable each person is with the english language, it’s unfair to expect that everyone will feel confident expressing themselves in the language that you understand, especially in front of articulate, native speakers.

Having said that :) This is your family. I would hope that they are comfortable enough to hold a conversation in a language you speak. Maybe you can ask your spouse to ask his family to be more considerate, and speak in a language you understand. If everyone speaks more than one language in common, it might be fun to pick a different language each time you get together.

When I use to have guests over to my families’ house, I made sure we always spoke a language they were comfortable with. It’s just courteous.

Secondly, I think it’s kinda rude for your husband’s family to speak a language you don’t understand at your house. Whenever I’m even out somewhere, and the people I’m with start speaking a language I can’t understand, I ask them politely to speak one we all can.

I hate it when I am on the receiving end, and I try to make a point to connct with people at a table even if I do not speak their language.

I think it’s impolite to carry a conversation in language that not everyone who’s present can understand.
I work with a lot of different nationalities and I know this is not how everyone feels, but I do – and in my experience most Scandinavians do.

I don’t mean to generalize, but I’ve found the French to be the most reluctant to switch the language of their conversation, followed closely by Germans. Dutch will change just because they see a non-Dutch speaker walk by….just my observations.

I think there are two issues here. One is a practical one, the other about “what should happen”.

Practically, considering you have so many other languages under your belt, I imagine that it should be quite easy for you to pick up a listening ability of the other language so you know what is going on.. and reply in English. It is remarkable actually how little vocab and how much you can infer from keywords and body language about what is going on.

Emotionally, it sounds like you are annoyed on a matter of principle that your husband’s family refuses to make the effort to include you, and you are asking if you have a right to feel that. Of course you have a right to feel that. I also know how inconvenient it is to speak in a different tongue in the family. My family is multilingual and it emotionally feels easier to talk about some topics in Chinese and others in English. Family things are easier in mother tongue. I’m guessing, as a multilingual yourself, you know what I mean. So there’s that too.

I dunno… I guess I’m emotionally quite practical… often for me it’s less about whose “right” and whose “wrong”, but what can I do about the situation. I’d definitely talk with my husband about it and express my feelings, and then, I’d think: well, either I think of a good way to change his family, or I think of a way to change myself so that the situation gets better…

What you say, Lifeflame, is true. At this point I do understand a great deal of the discussion in the other language, but sometimes I am so completely off base – once they were talking about packing suitcases for a trip, and I thought it was about hairstyles. But it IS a matter of principle that there are other langugaes, and after a while I just shut down and languish on the couch or at the table.

At this point, I have stopped going to his family, and tell them when they ask that I don’t feel welcome, I’m lonely with no one to talk to and no one paying me any mind, and when they come over, I remind them that we (my daughter, too) would appreciate being a part of the family. After all, I told my husband, he had plenty of oppotunity to talk with his own daughter in his language starting the day she was born, and he chose to dismiss his language, and not teach it to her.

Sometimes we do a dfferent language than English, like French or Italian, but the fact is that the other language that everyone speaks best in, including all the children, is English. And even though everyone might speak Serbo-Croation, and Spanish, if we try to go in that direction, we get shushed because some of the oldies don’t want those languages or don’t speak them well enough.

We’re not language experts, chance just dealt us cards that we all lived in various countries before settling in the U.S.

I find it very telling that he is not interested in teaching his daughter his mother language. Is it a gender thing? If he had a son, would he think differently?

I’d ask my significant other to translate everything that is said in a language I don’t understand. Eventually you would think that his family would get the hint.

If he had a son, you bet he’d teach him.

Next time someone speaks in a laguage you don’t understand around you, whisper everything you have to say in your husband’s ear. When they tell you it is rude, tell them now they know how you feel wehn they leave you out.

This situation happens all the time in the Southwest, mostly with Spanish speakers. They seem to dive in and out of English, Spanglish, and Spanish, and most will admit that they switch to spanish when they want to keep their conversations private. Sadly, I speak Spanish very well for a good Norwegian-Irish boy.
And yes, it is extremely rude. I have no qualms about telling them so. In Spanish.

@ knotmyday – i like that attitude :)

No but I like to tell people in their own language I know what you are saying. :) then the room gets quiet especially when they were just talking $hit.

Thanks, PnL. That kind of attitude is salsa that that spices the bland nachos of our tedious existence.
Whatever that means… should probably get to bed. :^D

Coming from a bilingual family, we try to keep everyone in the conversation. But we sometimes use our language, usually for small inconsequential things, private-ish things. Is it rude? Mabye. But its never to talk about someone behind their backs. And its very minimal. When we see our friends, a French-American family, they seem to do the same thing with their language.

It’s really too bad that your husband didn’t teach your daughter his mother tongue. And that he didn’t try to teach you better(it sounds to me). I do think its rude to talk extensively in languages that guests don’t understand. I think you should, as kindly as possible try to ask that they speak in English.

Has your husband tried to teach you his language? Was it too difficult?

I’m curious, what are your and your husband’s mother tongues?

Albanian, which he wasn’t interested in teaching us, and Polish, which makes him cringe when he hears it! I wish my Italian or German were as good as his, but they aren’t even close!

Wow, I’m sorry. It sucks that Polish makes him cringe. I can understand that they view Serbo-Croatian as bad, given all the troubles between Serbia and Kosovo. It probably seems like Russian to the Poles. What’s their problem with Spanish? Could be old-world uni-culturalism I guess. I really don’t know what you can do if you’ve already tried to tell them nicely, other than invite them over to your house more often to speak English, and make a token appearance once in a while at your in-laws. Maybe you could talk your relatives into pressuring your husband to teach you Albanian, or even having one them do it. But that might not be realistic.

At this point, I’m not interested in learning. Maybe at some point we’ll go there, and that will change. I have been avoiding going to their homes, and when they come over, if it continue for more than a few minutes, I have been getting up and going to another room. If they wanted my company, they would speak in English, is how I am interpreting it. I think I will try it for a while. The whispering idea doesn’t seem too bad either!

I think it is wrong to speak in another language when you have guest in your home. They usually will think you are speaking about them.

I think that when you have a guest or when you are a guest, you should speak a language that everyone can communicate in. Speaking in a foreign language while there is a guest could seem like they are trying to alienate you. It’d be a polite thing to do if everyone spoke in a language that can be understood within the group.

Try to avoid it, but your guest will probably understand it when you do it. But do not talk about your guest or behind his/her back. Even if you only talk nice about him/her, he/she will most probably understand that you are talking about him/her and feel uncomfortable and might think you are talking behind his/her back