Have you had more than one serious relationship at a time?

Never, and I could never imagine doing it. I’ve been cheated on and I know how that feels. Imagine not just being cheated on, but knowing that the other person you SO was with was just as important, if not more important to them than you were.

Yes I have been involved with two serious relationships at once. Technically the one was my boyfriend and the other was the guy I was cheating on my bf with. The main reason I kept these ridiculous relationships going for so long was because they each had something good to offer. My boyfriend gave me all the emotional fulfillment I needed and the other guy fulfilled my sexual needs. Obviously I eventually woke up and realized what I was doing was completely wrong and unacceptable. But it’s sometimes hard to realize that when you’re so deeply involved and wrapped up in the moment.

@ItalianPrincess1217
Just hearing you trying to rationalize that makes me deeply depressed.

@jackm I wasn’t trying to rationalize it. I admitted my mistake. And karma came back and bit me in the ass soon after. My boyfriend cheated on me and I got to feel how awful it was to be on the other end of things. I learned my lesson. So don’t judge me.

@ItalianPrincess1217
I’m not judging, but just seeing those reasons you put out bring back memories that depress me, that is all.

One day I had a cheesesteak from Geno’s and a cheesesteak from Pat’s, only a few hours apart. The reason I did this was because Geno’s steaks have a better taste, but lack the weight and amount of meat that Pat’s steaks have.

As soon as I was starting to digest, I knew I was in the wrong. I think the only thing that led me to eat both was my hunger and, most likely, peer pressure. I admitted my mistake to myself, and have only been eating Geno’s cheesesteaks ever since.

Yes I had a serious relationship with two people but it was a polyamorous arrangement and they were obviously both aware of each other – both of them were my partners and this arrangement lasted for a half a year…I met one within 2 weeks of the other and there was alwasy a lot of communication along the way

@Simone_De_Beauvoir beat me to it. I wanted to point out that having >1 serious relationship does not necessarily involve deception. I haven’t done it, but I’m not opposed.

No, it doesn’t have to involve deception, but the question is why do you do it, either with or without deception? What do you need that it takes more than one lover to give it to you?

Like @ItalianPrincess1217 said, one was more of an emotional thing, and the other sexual.

This is not about why such a thing is wrong, but more about why you get into it in the first place.

You know what they call a man with a wife AND a girlfriend?

A glutton for punishment, or at least a masochist.

@daloon I think you misunderstand…when one has two partners, it’s not because together they fill in some kind of gap that was too big to fill in by one person…it is just that you love them both and spend time with them both and share your life with them both but with each of them you have a normal fulfilled relationship

I would turn it around and ask why any of us should be content with just one lover.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir ???? I wasn’t the one who said an additional lover fills in a gap. That was what @ItalianPrincess1217‘s experience was.

@nikipedia Again, this is not about the right or wrong of it. I’m not interested in any normative comments. I’m trying to get some information about what people who do it think it’s about.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I think that many, maybe most people feel like their lives have room for only one lover. What is it that allows you to have more than one lover? Why are you different from the people who think there is room for only one?

@nikipedia Is the number of relationships you have about contentment? About need? About love?

“it is just that you love them both and spend time with them both and share your life with them both but with each of them you have a normal fulfilled relationship”

A lot of people I know can’t even find one to be in a fulfilling relationship with, how the hell did you manage to find 2 good people at the same time?????

@daloon: I would still like to turn this around…why does anyone have one relationship? Can’t you apply those exact reasons to 2, 3, 4?

@daloon there is no difference, really
the only thing is that I think all things are possible
and that nothing is the ‘normal’ way to do it

@nikipedia I’m not limiting it to one or two or whatever. Are you asking about what people with conventional mores think is best?

Oh, I don’t know. Go ahead, though. Ask that question. Maybe with a little more detail I’ll understand what you’re after. Do you have a personal opinion on the matter?

I’m not really after anything. I’m pointing out that whatever causes someone to get into one relationship—desire for sex, desire for companionship, chemistry—could just as easily apply to one person as two, three, four, etc. I don’t see any special reason to limit it to just one person. If anything, this seems disadvantageous.

My personal opinion is that maybe we’ve all fooled ourselves into thinking monogamy is the best or only option without really considering what our alternatives are.

Apparently

serious does not entail commitment for you.. which is wildly erroneous

This might help.

For poly relationships to work (in the long term), my current thinking is that the motivation for everyone involved needs to be good will and respect, and preferably love, towards everyone else involved. The more people there are, the more difficult this gets. Indifference or mild tolerance won’t cut it. In my (granted limited) exprience and observation things tend to go wrong when people think they can keep the two things “completely separate”. If you have a relationship with two people, those relationships cannot be completely separate, because they are connected through you, and you are not two separate persons.

I strongly disapprove of and discourage dishonesty in relationships. “Cheating” is not about the act of sex or whatever, it is about betrayal.

It seems to me that commitment would be very important in any love relationship, whether you had one, two, three or however many. I was wondering if anyone had any experience with such commitment—how does it work out?

When I was 18, I was in a chain. Not even one mélange à trois, but two overlapping mélange à trois, and I was at the end of this chain..
me – bf – gf – bf
(so technically, I wasn’t the one having more than one serious relationship)
Everyone inside knew had an understanding of what is going on, as did our close friends around. We were boarding with three roommates each, so it would have been impossible to keep it a secret.

Eventually the chain—which lasted for around nine months—broke up because we all went our separate ways in college; and I remained with this boyfriend for another five years.

There was a mild amount of social awkwardness but I did learn/sense from this that it is possible to love more than one person. Feelings of love are infinite—it is not like I love A more then I love B less. However, time and other practical constraints are finite, and therefore on a practical level we are forced to make choices.

I totally feel you. I am in this situation and I have just gotten out of it. To be honest, I think it is perfectly acceptable so long nobody gets hurt but the problem is, someone always does. It is difficult to find someone that ticks all the boxes, you just have to believe that there is someone out there who can and I promise that you will appreciate how great and unique that person is when you find them.

No, never. On top of the obvious moral implications, I could not love more than 1 person at the same time, or at least not in the same way.

There was a short period when I was sort of dating this Dutch girl on and off (but nothing serious), but lived in England where I was regularly having sex with a Belgian girl (just sex though, nothing else). Neither of the relationships was fulfilling, so at the same time I was corresponding with a third (German) girl, but that was more like a friendship, totally platonic (and never moved forward). But it was a very unique situation where all 3 girls had different roles that did not overlap – I guess if I’d put all 3 together I might have one “proper” girlfriend….either that or a half-decent Frisian cow ;)