I'm in a 90% -10% relationship, I feel like I do everything and every time I try to talk about it nothing ever gets solved. What should I do .?

give him a come-to-jesus talk

You break up and move on. That train’s headed nowhere.

Take a trip to counseling if you’re serious – and sure you’re not throwing a pity party and wallowing, feeling entitled to more. Otherwise, cut your losses and walk away as peacefully as you can to minimize any more damage to either party.

Think about your relationship, usually I’ve noticed people ignore behavior in their partner for a while – then all of a sudden it’s lop sided and painful. More often than not, you got into the relationship with the same person you ran from you just began to notice those things in them. Most just don’t want to admit that level of responsibility.

How long have you been together?

First off, just know you are not alone… believe me when I say this.. I know what it feels like.. What you can do is come to an agreement of dividing the chores. One week you do the laundry and the next he does it. If you cook he washes the dishes. If you fed the cat today, he does it tomorrow. Now this doesn’t mean everything is going to go smoothly but at least you can have some sort of organization. Just keep in mind a lot of guys are just naturally sloppy and wont do the chores as good as you can. A lot of times I end up re doing the bed when he does it but when you love the guy, you learn to live with it.

Good luck!

He either pulls his share, or he can just pull his shit out and get on down the freakin’ road. No one should have to put up with someone else’s lazy ass. If all he wants to do is drink with his buddies, he is too immature to be in a serious relationship. I’d kick him to the curb, and find a man who appreciates you. Surely this guy doesn’t.

Make a date to talk with him about this problem in a good and clear manner, ie. not just on the fly, but a fixed time to discuss your concerns. If you can’t work it out then (ie, talk comfortably about how your are doing more than your fair share, etc.) and you really like this guy, suggest going to counseling. Sometimes a third person helps with understanding what is going on. If that doesn’t work, and you are still stuck with all the work, you have to decide if you like the life you have with him or not. Then, you make a choice.

yeah, what @skfinkel said, too.

Put your foot down. Let him know you’re not playing. Give him an ultimatum…he starts helping you out around the house or you start helping him pack his shit to get out of the house.

What would happen if you just stopped doing his laundry and picking up after him? Go home and feed the cat, then leave the chores and go out for an evening with friends.

If you don’t want to put up with it, you can try counseling to see if he is willing to work on his behavior. If he isn’t, then move on because you can’t change him.

If you want to be with him even if he won’t do his share, then you need to find a way to change your behavior to improve your quality of life. Cats do a good job of taking care of themselves for several hours at a time and the chores can wait an extra day once in a while. Make time to enjoy your life instead of thinking about him out living it up while you are stuck at home doing housework.

Is this a deal-breaker for you? You could DTMFA or put your foot down and give him an ultimatum. If not, you can stop doing so many chores yourself. I’m more of a 10% person than a 90% person myself. He’s probably acting this way because he truly doesn’t care whether or not he lives in a messy house, and would rather have fun than do housework. Every lazy and apathetic person will clean up after themselves at some point, unless someone else cleans up after them all the time. (What did he do when he lived alone?) He’s being selfish, but you’re part of the problem, too. Chores don’t take that much time that you can’t go out and have fun. Feeding a cat takes maybe two minutes, once a day. You’re putting way more effort into chores than you need to if it’s really putting a dent in your life, and then you’re resenting him for it, and that’s passive-aggressive behavior. If anything, it will probably make him be more messy out of spite and irritation.

You’ve always talked about how he can clean up more, but if you’re going to compromise you should also start being messier in some ways. I’m guessing if there are always dirty dishes, you guys don’t have a dishwasher. You should both start washing dishes right after you use them. It takes way less motivation for a lazy person to spend two minutes washing one plate every time, than to wash tons of nasty, slimy, stinky plates that have been sitting there all week. Or just get a ton of paper plates and plastic silverware the next time you guys go grocery shopping. If he’s eating and leaving dirty dishes when you’re not around, he probably would rather just do whatever’s easiest, but if you have a nice dinner together, then you can eat off regular plates like adults. OR split a maid service if you can, so it becomes a non-issue. Just get one of those dry food dispensers for the cat, and then if you want to give it wet food, do that whenever you get home. Convenience is expensive, but having a life vs. cleaning would make it worth it to me.

This is a pretty common argument. Do you really love him? Do you love him more than you love a clean house? Can you afford a housekeeper once a week- it can be a huge relationship saver!

Another question- When you talk about things do you give him credit for the 10% he does do? Thank him when he does him part? A little credit and positive reinforcement goes along way to motivate.

Write down everything you do, and everything he does, then write down everything he doesn’t do, and everything you don’t do. Next, ask him to do the same thing, then compare lists.

If he refuses, you know he doesn’t care enough about you to invest any more of himself in the relationship. Then you decide if you are better off with him or without him and act on it.

we have been dating for 3 years…
Yes i do really love him, but its to the point now that I’m breaking my back to make things work when there should be a fair load.
I don’t mind cleaning hear and there but when I ask nicely for him to pick things he leaves laying around up or put things away it seems to go in one ear and out the other .. he makes fantastic dinners for us both a few times a month but when doing so uses every dish and pot in the kitchen and then leaves it there like it will clean its self… I’m okay with doing dishes if were doing them together, but when he thinks its implied that I always do them, thats when it gets to me . I thank him every time he makes dinner for me, but he only makes dinner because I’m at work…. i just wanna know if this is really worth it

If you have to ask “is it really worth it” I’m guessing probably not. 3 years is a long time to be together and you guys should be able to work something this simple out. If he can’t take the problem seriously, like everyone else said, give him an ultimatum and let him know it really bothers you. If he still doesn’t care, he needs to go. Relationships should be 50/50 adn he should care that this is bothering you so much.

You can usually tell a lot about what your life with a man will be like by observing how his father and mother operate. Not always but more often than not.

If his dad is one of those the home is her domain types then the son will be as well and I don’t think all the discussing in the world is going to have more than a momentary result.

So you either learn to put up with it or you move on (and take the cat with you, he would probably let it starve!)

I heard this somewhere…

—Live with the pig and like it.
—Live with the pig and hate it.
—Don’t live with the pig.

Shouldn’t try to change people into what they aren’t.

The truth is he’s probably not going to change. If you tell him how important this is to you he might try to make things a little better for you but the reality of the situation is that he’s not a clean person and he’s okay with that. If you don’t think you can live with that then you need to move on. I’m telling you this because I’ve found myself in the same exact spot you’re in but I chose to live with it because I love him more than I love a clean house. I’ve learned not to take it so seriously and he does his part in trying to help me out but I still get frustrated with him sometimes. It’s just something I’ve grown to accept.

Successful relationships are not 50/50 they’re 100/100. You’re not married to the guy. Go find someone who will give you what you need and avoid the drama.

people’s behavior doesn’t change but for hitting rock bottom. if you told him this was the deal breaker and meant it, he might get his act together. but i’m afeared it would resurface slowly-like when you have two little kids, still work and are exhausted unto illness

Your BF sounds like my STBX. That is why I am glad he is my STBX. Good luck.

The reason I would say not to just walk out is that you say you love him. If that is true, I think it is worth making sure it can’t work out before you leave. Love is a precious thing. We are pretty cavalier about it these days, but I think it is rare and fine thing when it is real. Does he love you as much as you love him?