What is your favorite joke?

What is similar between a grape and an elephant?
They are both purple, except the elephant.

some people like offensive jokes. i like the jokes that offend those kind of people.

not sure i can say on here.

but here is a normal one that safe:

“three men go in to a bar, and the whole thing unfolds, with a tedious inevitability” – Bill Bailey

Guy walks into a bar, carrying a canvas bag. Says “Bartender, if I show you something amazing, will you buy me a drink?”.

Bartender has seen it all, so he shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

Guy reaches into the sack, pulls out a tiny grand piano and a hamster wearing a tuxedo and a Beethoven wig. Hamster sits down, starts playing Moonlight Sonata.

Bartender shrugs.

Guy says “Hold on, there’s more.” Reaches into the bag again, retrieves a second hamster. This one’s wearing a gown and a Viking helmet, starts singing Wagner.

Bartender shrugs again. Guy sighs, begins to put hamster back into the bag. Third guy appears suddenly in the joke. “Wait! I’ll give you 50 bucks for the singing hamster!”

First guy agrees to the deal, exchanges the hamster for 50 bucks. Third guy runs out of the bar with dollar signs in his eyes, and ka-ching! sounds in his head. Bartender says: “Dude, are you nuts? That guy is going to make a million bucks with that singing hamster.”

“Nah. First hamster is a ventriloquist.”

Bartender bought him a drink.

gravity

Three nuns are walking down the street. Two of the nuns walked into a bar. What did the third nun do? Answer: She ducked.

#1 – A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

#2 – A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

and #3 -

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

@PandoraBoxx – I honestly do not get that????

@jackm – I absolutely love that one! GA

I like old age jokes (they are all becoming true). Here are a bunch of one liners

There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.  
Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.
You can sing along with elevator music.
You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

@rooeytoo It’s like “A guy walked into a bar and said ‘Ow.’” The nuns aren’t entering an establishment that sells alcohol, they’re running into an actual object. The third one ducked underneath it.

@MacBean – hehehe, I don’t know how I missed that. It is sort of like “there were 2 ping pong balls in the tree and under the tree was a dead ping pong.

Thank you for the explanation.

@rooeytoo Happy to help! It took me a couple of seconds, too, and then I felt ridiculous because “A guy walked into a bar and said ‘Ow.’” is actually my favorite joke. Durrr!

here’s one from Razzle Dazzle 45 yrs ago- don’t know why i so tickled my funnybone. what’s purple and goes Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang? 4-door grape

What’s brown and sticky?
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A stick.

“What’s a green line in the horizon?”

- It’s a green line in the horizon.

“What’s a black line in the horizon?”

- The shadow of the green line!

I’m sorry, I just woke up…

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and Saddam’s WMD’s?

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Bigfoot has been spotted.

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says “damn! missed the bugger!” The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls “Damn! Missed the bugger!”

Courtesy of Dawn French on The Vicar of Dibley!

XD

All of these were so funny! ^^

@rooeytoo ; I don’t get the ping pong one. xD

@jackm – wowwww. xD love it.

A bear walks into a bar in Boise and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “we don’t serve beer to bears in Boise.” The bear says, “see that woman at the end of the bar?” The barkeep nodded. The bear said, “If you don’t give me a beer, I will kill her.” The barkeep shrugged. The bear mauls the woman and comes back to the bartender and says, “OK, NOW will you give me a beer?” The bartender says, “we don’t serve beer to drug addicts.” The bear looked at him quizically.

That’s the bar bitch you ate.

“What’s the difference between ticks and elephants?”

- An elephant can have ticks but a tick can’t have elephants!

@bvdshec17 : I loooove the first one – it’s just my style.

“What do you call a monkey in a minefield?”

- A Baboom !

@PandoraBoxx stole mine, but I tell it differently.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

and then I watch as they struggle to get it.

I went to the dentist, but only had a dollar, so he gave me buck teeth.

If you throw a cat out your car window, does it become kitty litter?

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead escape from prison. They’re running through the fields when they hear the sirens. The brunette sees a farmhouse and suggests they hide in the barn.
As they reach the barn, they hear the police car pull up in the farmhouse yard. The redhead says, “Quick, let’s hide in the hayloft!” So they climb the ladder, and up in the loft, they see three gunny sacks. They hide in the sacks and wait to see what happens.
After a brief conversation with the farmer, the sheriff and his deputy enter the barn and look around. “There ain’t nuthin’ here, “says the deputy.
“What about up in the hayloft?” asks the sheriff. So the deputy climbs the ladder to the loft.
“Nuthin’ but three gunny sacks.”
“Well, what’s in ‘em?”
The deputy kicks the first sack, where the brunette has been hiding. She is prepared, and begins to bark. “Ruff, ruff, ruff, rrowuff.”
The deputy calls down, “It’s just a little puppy dog.”
“What’s in the next one?”
The deputy kicks the next bag, where the redhead is hiding. She lets out a loud “Meow” and a hiss.
“Ain’t nuthin’ but a little kitty cat, Sheriff.”
The sherriff asks about the last sack, and the deputy approaches. The blond has been thinking hard, and she’s sure she has a fool-proof plan. When the deputy kicks her sack, she cries out triumphantly:

“POTATOES!”

two cows standing in a field, one cow turns to the other one and says “mooooooo….” the other cow looks at the first one and says “I knew you were going to say that”

two fat guys sitting at a bar, one says to the other “your round”
and the other one answers “so are you, you chubby git!”

sorry, I’ll just get my coat…....
hugs xx
ps: I’m chubby myself :-)

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was asalted.

It’s black, and when it falls out of a tree, your stove will break. What is it?
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Your stove.

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says “hey we got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies “you have a drink named jim?”

@VohuManah said my real favorite joke already. I have a thing for crappy jokes

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Man, it’s hot in here.” The other muffin, stunned, exclaims “HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!”

@uberbatman It looks like most of us do.

Confucius say, man who run behind car get exhausted… man who run in front of car get tired.

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

(told with pausing at all between the joke and the punchline.)
Why can’t (Norweigians) tell good jokes. Poor timing.

Has anyone ever seen a picture of helen kellers father?
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Yea, neither has she.

Why couldn’t the police solve the mystery of the missing toilet?
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They had nothing to go on.

Sorry, but I had to.

This joke’s a little sick:

A man and a boy are walking into the woods at dusk. The boy stops, turns to the man and says, “Hey, I’m scared!” The man replies, “You think you’re scared?! I have to walk out of here alone!”

Another:

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, “You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.”

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their waists in shit.

“Hmmm,” he says, “that looks bad, but it’s better than the other two. I’ll take the third door.” Satan smiles, and gives the man a contract to sign.

The ink’s not even dry on the paper when an imp walks into the room and says, “All right, coffee break’s over! Everyone back on your heads!”

Have you heard? Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I’m Jewish.

Priest: Then why are you here telling me all this?

Man: I’m 92 years old! I’m telling everybody!

Why do hamburgers fly south for the winter?

So their buns dont’ freeze.

what really gets me is the visual

Are we allowed to admit we just don’t get some of the jokes? Perhaps I’m just dense today. Edit: oh, nevermind, someone explained

What’d the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?

DAM!!!

The Cleveland Browns

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
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To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken divide by zero?
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To…..........................................................................

Why did the elephant cross the road?
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Because he was stapled to the chicken.

I just handed out a ton of lurve. I am so excited that there are a lot of fluterites with the same strange sense of humor as mine!

I now have a new joke supply for the next year. Thanks! GQ too.

@troubleinharlem – the ping pong in the tree died because his balls fell off. Sorry, stupid and macabre.

What did the snail say as he was riding on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

@erichw1504 Oh no!!!

Why did the jellyfish cross the road?
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To get some lurvin’!

@erichw1504 about your first joke.. check here on #2… I love that joke!

What did the one cannibal frog say to the other cannibal frog?
“Tastes like chicken.”

What did the one cannibal clown say to the other cannibal clown?
“Tastes funny”

@Dr_C Whoops!

@erichw1504 it’s all bueno

@Dr_C Oh Oh!! Mexican sounds good!!!

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Once, to show it’s patriotism, the american flag got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.

I have two:
2 peanuts walk into a bar, one was assulted. a salted. It doesn’t work too well written

Yeah, a have a step-ladder. I wish I knew my real ladder.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

@forestGeek You made me spit up my drink… hats off to you!

Wowwww.
New favorite question!

Why shouldn’t you walk through the forest between 10:00 and 16:00?
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That’s when the elephants fall out of the trees.

It’s white, and when it falls down on your head, you’re dead. What am I thinking of?
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A hospital.
(This one’s cruel and not even that funny:)
It’s red, sits in a corner and gets smaller and smaller. What am I thinking of?
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A cheese slicer.
Why do crocodiles have a flat snout?
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Because the walked through the forest between 10:00 and 16:00!
(So yeah, those other jokes were lame…)

@Vincentt – but I love lame jokes! I don’t get the cheese slicer one, though..

@troubleinharlem and @Vincentt i think it was a cutter with a cheese slicer or an emo with a cheese slicer.. i’ve heard both)

@Dr_C So, why does it get smaller and smaller?

wel.. how does a cheese slicer work? it takes small little slices off one at a time… so if a cutter is using a cheese slicer on his/herself… he/she is basically taking little slices out of his/herself and is therefore getting progressively smaller no?

@Dr_C But, I thought the cheese slicer itself was getting smaller, not the person?

@erichw1504 nope… the person using the cheese slicer

@Dr_C But the answer is a cheese slicer, not emo dude with cheese slicer.

@erichw1504 like I said before.. i’ve heard other versions of that joke, and all of them mention a person using a cheese slicer

Not sure if this is my favorite, but I’ll post it while I’m thinking of one:

Guy walks up to a bartender and says, “gimme a shot glass”.

The bartender gives him a shotglass.

The guy takes the shotglass, walks to the far end of the bar, sets it down at the far corner.

He walks back to the other corner of the bar, about 25 feet away.

He says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 50 bucks that I can stand here, and piss into that shotglass on the other end of the bar until it’s full.”

Bartender says, “you’ve got a deal”.

Guy whips it out, starts pissing…piss gets everywhere…goes about 10 feet down the bar, splashes on the bartender, on the bar, on the bottles, EVERYWHERE, but not a single drop makes it to the shot glass.

The guy puts himself back in, pulls out his wallet and hands the bartender a $50 bill, then walks away with a HUGE grin on his face.

Another guy grabs him and says, “hey buddy, you just lost 50 bucks, whaddareya so happy about?”

The guy replies, “see those 3 gentlemen at that table over there?”

“Yep” replies the other guy.

“Well, I just bet them each $200 I could piss all over the bar and the bartender would wipe it up with a smile on his face.”

@troubleinharlem @Dr_C @erichw1504 Haha, oops! It’s should be a toddler with a cheese slice. I was so involved in finding the English word for kaasschaaf (which is cheese slicer) that, once I’d found it, I forgot about adding the rest of the answer. Funny how that could stir such a discussion. (And yeah, it’s still lame.)

This may get modded, so I will word things carefully . . .

This older gentleman walks into a pharmacy and walks back to the counter. He told the gal behind the counter that he would like to purchase prophylactics. She asked him what size. He indicated that he had been purchasing prophylactics for years and had never been asked that question. She indicated that she had a very easy way to discern the necessary size if he would allow her to assess his member. He complied.
She grabbed the microphone and said, “I Need medium, aisle 4, medium. please.”

A bit later a thirty something guy walks in and asks her for condoms. She asked him what size. He said he didn’t know and she told him of her ability to assess. He complied. Over the microphone she called “I Need extra large, aisle 4, extra large, please.”

Toward the end of her workday a 16 year old came in staring at his shoes and said he needed to buy some rubbers. She asked what size and he said he had never bought rubbers before. She told him of the size assessment and he agreed. Over the microphone she said, “I need cleanup on aisle 4, cleanup on aisle 4 please.”

There was an elderly man named Harold. He had become very close to a woman named Hazel and the nursing home where they both lived. After a time, he indicated to her that it would mean so much to him if she would be willing to allow things to progress a bit further in their physical relationship. Hazel asked what he meant and he said that it would mean so much to him if she would occassionally just hold his member. Hazel allowed as how she could do that and it became a regular thing for the two of them.

One evening after dinner, Hazel went looking for Harold and was shocked to find him sitting on a bench outside the dining hall with Ethel. Ethel had Harold firmly in hand. Hazel was dumbfounded.

Later she spoke to Harold and said, “What’s Ethel got that I ain’t got?”

“Parkinson’s,” Harold replied.

OK, I thought about it, this might be my favorite.

A 23 year old blonde, Marilyn Monroe lookalike marries a frail looking 97 year old billionaire, thinking if he even has any interest left in sex, one good roll in the hay will do him in and she’ll get all his money. The honeymoon night comes and she sits on the hotel bed, and she decides to get it over with, offer herself up to her new groom and either he won’t have anything to offer, and if he does, she’ll pull out all the stops in hopes she can push him over the edge. She calls out to him, “honey, come to bed.”

He replies, “OK, I’ll be right there, just gotta get ready.”

She waits for him in bed, a few minutes later the old man comes out of the bathroom. He’s buck naked, except for 3 things…earplugs, noseplugs and a Magnum condom on his raging 12” erection.

She looks at him and says, “what they hell’s all this for?”

He replies, “If there’s 2 things I can’t stand, it’s the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber.”

And if THAT’s not my favorite, this probably is:

Three old men are sitting in a nursing home, discussing their ailments.

The first one says, “Every morning, I get up at 7, and I have to take a leak somethin’ fierce. My damn prostate’s so swollen, it takes me an hour to piss.”

The next one says, “That’s nothing. I get up at 8 every morning and I gotta take a huge crap. But I’m so damn constipated, I sit on the pot til almost noon.”

The third one says, “You boys got it easy. Every morning at 7, I piss like a racehorse. Every morning at 8 I shit like a pig. Problem is, I don’t wake up til 9.”

Two women are working together. One of them gets flowers delivered from her husband, she gets a bit annoyed. The other lady asks “What’s wrong? Don’t you like flowers.”

“I love flowers, but my husband only sends them when he expects something from me. If I get flowers, I spend the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

“Well, why don’t you just by a vase?”

Q: How do you make a Nazi cross?

A: Step on his corns!

Michael Palin FTW! (go to 6:40)

@aprilsimnel LOVE IT!

Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are pretty much jokes.
If I had to pick a favorite, I guess I’d pick Lohan.

@Allie It’s our infatuation with celebrities that is the joke, they are just the punchline.

@Vincentt I still don’t get it.

@erichw1504 – maybe you need to put it all together in one place.

What’s red, sits in a corner and just keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A Toddler with a cheese slicer.

You see, because toddlers are a) hyperactive and b) don’t know when to quit.

Think of a brick of cheese…what happens when you’re slicing it with a cheese slicer…it gets smaller and smaller.

Think of a toddler with a cheese slicer…he doesn’t know it’s for slicing cheese. But he’s curious, he’s gonna use it somehow. And hence he becomes red, and smaller and smaller.

I like that one!

@dalepetrie I still don’t get it.

@erichw1504 The kid is sitting in the corner slicing away at himself, therefore bleeding (red) and taking away bits and pieces of his skin (getting smaller and smaller).

@Allie…...I still don’t get it.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

You might be a redneck if you think the stock market has a fence around it.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Jesus saves, Moses invests.

This is my new favorite joke. I lol4rl’ed.

@erichw1504 Do you mean you don’t understand the joke or just don’t find it funny? Because I can totally imagine the latter…

I kinda liked this one a buddy told me a few months ago, it’s growing on me.

A guy spends 20 years working as an obstetrician and decides he needs a change of career. So he leaves behind his medical practice and enrolls in a technical school to become a mechanic. Turns out he’s very good at it, a star pupil. So, they get to a section on transmissions and one of the tests is for the student to rebuild a transmission. He performs this task and when he gets his test results back, the teacher gives him his grade, it’s 150 out of 100. So the guy goes to the teacher and says, “um, not that I’m complaining, but I think you made a mistake, how can I get 150 out of 100?” The teacher says, “I decided to give you extra credit.” The guy says, “well, thank you, but may I ask why? I just did the test same as everyone else.” And the teacher replies, “well, I’ve been teaching this class for 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of transmissions get rebuilt, but I’ve never seen anyone go in through the muffler.”

These two southern women are talking, one having just returned from a vacation up north. She says to her friend, You know, up north they have these people called ‘queer’” and her friends says, “Well, what’s that?” The recent vacationer says, “They’re men who have sex with other men!”

“Oh my lands,” her friend replied. The vactioner continued, “They also have these people called ‘lesbians’!” Her friend says, “Well, what’s that?” The vacationer says, “They’re women who have sex with other women!”

“I’ll swan,” her friend replied.

“They also have men who give women oral sex,” the vacationer said.
“What do they call them?” her friend inquired.
“Well, I don’t know the ‘official name’,” the vacationer replied, “but when he came up for air, I called him ‘Precious’!”

An old couple were going on a car trip. (This was when you went to a gas station and someone filled your gas tank and washed your windshield.) Gas station attendant made small talk with the older man, asking him “going on a trip?” Old man answered yes. The old lady, being extremely hard of hearing, screeched to her husband ‘WHAT DID HE SAY?”
Old man told her what he had been asked and she replied “OH”. Attendant then asked “going to be gone long”. Nope the old man answered. Again, the old lady screeched ‘WHAT DID HE SAY?” The old man asked answered what he had been asked and what he answered. Attendant then asked “what state are you heading to”?. Old man answered “Michigan”. Attendant said “I went there once, met a woman and had the worst sex I’ve ever had in my life”. As usual. the old gal, in her annoying screeching voice, asks “WHAT DID HE SAY?”. The old man smiled, looked at her and answered back “He says he knows you”.

This joke has been around for many years. My husband and I have great fun when one of us doesn’t hear what someone else has said and asks the other “what did they say?” The other of us will grin sheepishly and say “he (or she) says they know you”.

@captainshalfunit oh yeah, now we live in a world where a kid gets paid minimum wage to watch you pump your own gas . . .” unless you live in NJ or OR!

@captainshalfunit – I personally would find that joke a lot funnier if the old __man__ were the deaf one and the old __woman__ was the one doing the punchline.

@rooeytoo ; same here! I don’t know why, but I think that it’d be funnier.

The 4 stages of marital sex:

Stage 1 – House sex….you’re both so horny you fuck in every room in the house.
Stage 2 – Bed sex…you still fuck, but only in bed.
Stage 3 – Hall sex…you shout “fuck you” at each other whenever you pass in the hall.
Stage 4 – Court sex…your wife and lawyer fuck you in court.

When Bush was president, he went to Iraq and told the troops he was unhappy with the state of the country. Gets me every time

@Capt_Bloth – reminds me of the days just before personal computers, people were getting rid of their typewriters and buying word processors. One company marketed the limited edition Ronald Reagan word processor, only problem was it didn’t sell to well, because it had no memory and no colon.

Joe E. Brown once said: “Milton Berle was responsible for most of the televisions being sold in this country! I sold mine, my father sold his…”