How do you help a young child understand heaven is a good place?

My dad told me that when I get to heaven I will see all my dogs that passed away before me. That was enough to convince me that heaven is a good place!

Edit: Forgot to say, the reason this worked for me is because he was associating heaven with something I loved rather than the religious side of it. Hopefully what your daughter is going through is a phase as I went through a very similar thing when I was a young child.

Tell her not to worry about heaven. Heaven is something we can’t understand as human beings. Tell her she is not going to heaven for many, many years.

It sounds like she got the concept of heaven too early. She can not differentiate between reality and heaven.

Give her time, and her focus will shift to other things and she will value different qualities in life. As she grows, toys will be less important and friends more important. People find comfort in different things. For now, it is you, her toys and bedroom. Soon enough it will be friends and her phone. Maybe one day she will find comfort in religious mythology, but that is not something to deal with yet. Let her enjoy what she has now, without religious ideas getting in the way.

Heaven is supposed to be a place where you spend all your days praising God, from what I’ve read. Sometimes I find myself wondering whether I’d really want to do that. Sure, I guess you can see all your friends and family, but isn’t the main thing supposed to be praising God 24/7? You think you want to leave that part out to your daughter? You think you should leave that part out to your daughter?

Depending on her age, the concept of heaven may be difficult to grasp. Has she recently experienced the death of someone near to her? I think as she learns more her fears will go away. Usually children intuitively know heaven is a great place where they go to be with Jesus and the Angels. I think your Daughter will be OK as she learns.

How old is she? The idea of the fact that she will die is distressing for young children. Did she ask you about death, and will she die?

yeah its a nice think to do poison the minds of your children with lies from a very early age so that they’ll accept them without any critical thinking and trap them for many years to come in the religion company of lies. Just try a bit more go to church make her learn praying and she’ll be a poor minded christian in a while. Your child! Great for her! What a good mother you are

She sounds too young to even know enough about it. Even adults can’t grasp the concept, how is a kid going to? Just make up a lie, that’s what you’re supposed to do with kids right?

@Blackberry I’m gonna have to disagree with you. You never lie to your kids. Sure, you may distract them from the question, but never lie to them. Since when are you “supposed” to not tell them the truth anyway? Is the truth not important enough for kids to know? Should they not know that one of the things in life they should treasure is the truth?

Put it another way, would you like your child to start lying to you?

How old is she?

Lurve for @Saturated_Brain. Children are not to be lied to, it leads to distrust of parents and less of an enquiring mind. I never believed in Santa, and my parents told me to look up the answers to any question they could not answer. I think that is a large part of the reason I can still talk to them openly despite my vastly different views as an adult.

No one has any direct knowledge of Heaven, or if it even exists. Telling a child about heaven as if it is a real place is, in fact, a lie. This is an abstract concept that is immaterial to children until they can grasp the difference between belief and reality. The reality is that people die and we don’t know for certain what happens after death. The personal belief of the parent is that there is a place called heaven where your soul, not your body, goes.

@Sebulba So what do you suggest she do then? If you are going to be so aggressive in your disagreement with what she is doing why not make a suggestion for her rather than accusing her of being a bad mother simply for trying to ease her daughters mind. Whatever you tell a young child about death is going to be hard for them to grasp, telling the “truth” may make death even harder for her to come to terms with.

Of course she is scared. She can only see life from the point of view that she has today, and she has been told that she is going to have to move! Away from her home. Her family. Her stuff. The concept of a future where she might feel differently is not something she can grasp yet. Let her know that she isn’t going there until she is a really old lady and then you will be there to hug her when she goes. Just don’t put any emphasis on you dying as she will have a whole new fear!

@PandoraBoxx Your very right, we don’t know if there is even a heaven. No one can ever tell us that either.

Unproven adult beliefs should not be forced onto children, at least wait until she is old enough to make her own decisions about her beliefs.

Perhaps waiting until she’s no longer mentally able to accept ridiculous stories.

@Saturated_Brain I totally understand, but you can’t have an intelligent conversation with a child about religion. Can a child handle being told that we don’t know what happens when you die? How many parents already lie to their kids about santa clause and god? The question asker already is lying to her kid by telling her daughter what the bible says…..

@Leanne1986 I suggest the truth. Death should not invoke fear, it is just another natural phenomenon. Tell the child that death is a long sleep that old people get because they are tired after a full life, and that just like sleep they will not know anything about it. Once they are a bit older, they will realise that you don’t wake up from it.

You can’t introduce the concept of belief in heaven as is it were like going to Disney World. A child has to be able to grasp the concept that people can believe things that cannot be proved. About the time that they are able to understand that there isn’t a Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy is about the time that they are able to understand the concept of believing in things that cannot be seen. Abstract reasoning is a higher developmental process.

Otherwise, why do we go to the doctor when we get sick; why not just die? Why do we not want grandpa to die if he gets to go to heaven? Why is killing wrong if you can send someone to heaven when they die?

Just tell her it has free candy machines on every corner, free toy stores in every street, there are no schools, it’s your birthday every day, you can stay up as long as you want there and you can play video games for all eternity.

@FireMadeFlesh But that’s not necessarily the truth is it! It isn’t just old people who die “after a full life” and so, how do you think the little girl will feel if someone she knows dies very young? She’s still been lied to. There are too many “truths” to tell such a young person who is obviously quite distressed about the idea of death and what happens after.

@FireMadeFlesh But death is not a long sleep for old people. Not only old people die. Grandpa napping on the couch does not mean he will die, because he’s tired.

That, too, is a lie.

@Leanne1986 and @PandoraBoxx It is the truth, just not the complete truth. I don’t advise a lesson on the carbon cycle and decomposition, because that is as much a part of death as young people dying too. As with any concept, it should be revealed in stages. What I said is appropriate, in my opinion, for a toddler. Once they are older, introduce them to the idea of tragic deaths of younger people, and then violent deaths at the hands of bad people when they are a bit older than that.

Why are you telling her about heaven in the first place? A child learning about death cannot be expected to feel like death is a good thing, a reward, or something to be happy about. Most questions about death are easily answered without mentioning heaven. It really only comes up when they specifically ask what happens after you die. Even then, maybe getting all biblical and trying to get her to look forward to heaven at the same time isn’t the best idea. If you feel the need to mention heaven, make it quick and simple and change the subject. This isn’t the time for theology. Little kids don’t need a complete and thorough explanation, they aren’t ready for it, and they don’t have the attention span. Short, simple, to the point, and done.

I’ll leave it at that.

Since you’ve somehow gone down this path, your only hope of salvation is to tell her that everything dies. Flowers, pets, people. Things die when it is time for them to die, and that you believe that that happens when God is ready for people (and pets) to be with him. Only God knows when it is time. She should not worry about it. When people die, you believe that the thing that makes each person special gets to be together with everyone that they ever loved, and it’s like their happiest times together.

Then drop it. You can backtrack with you believe that God made everything. And that people who believe that they will be with the people they love are not afraid to die when God decides its time for them. It sets up the conversation that killing is wrong because people should not be able to decide when other people are supposed to die.

It’s very important to talk about religion in terms of beliefs.

Proverbs – Chapter 22:6

6. Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Any teaching from the Bible, at any age, is a good thing. Children understand more than we think. Just keep teaching the child about the what the Bible says, and you will have no regrets.

@Blackberry True as that may be, I think that we’re all missing the point of this question.

Which is what I’d like to address to all those who claim that the Bible and Christianity is a lie. Look at it from this point of view. You view Christianity as a lie, so you all sit back and say that we’re filling the poor child’s head with rubbish when we talk about heaven to her. Well, if Christianity is a lie, then what’s the truth? Your truth is that nobody knows the truth for sure. And then if that were the case, why should Christianity necessarily be a lie? While I can respect that agnostic and atheist viewpoint and would love to engage in debate, that is totally irrelevant to the context of this question.

It is clear that we’re dealing with a mother who has a distraught daughter. She is working within the Christian framework as is her young girl. To tell her that heaven and Christianity is a lie is not helping. Do you really expect her to relay your message to the young girl? So if you have nothing helpful to say, I suggest that you just leave it for another discussion.

@lizzmitch I think that @PandoraBoxx has very good advice. You do believe whole-heartedly in your faith, don’t you?

@BoBo1946 That is assuming that the Bible is correct. Lenin also said “Give me a child until he is five, and he will be mine for life.” Should we use this as a basis to educate children in the ways of Russian Communism?

@BoBo1946
I beg to differ.
I think a child will grow up to be more intellectually mature and more sane if you don’t jam the bible down her throat before she can decide for herself what ideas to swallow and what not to.

BTW, telling a child there is a Heaven is not a lie according to the beliefs of Christians. Sure, if someone has a different viewpoint, cool…but, too tell a Christian that Heaven does not exist is a difference in religious views.

@FireMadeFlesh Aren’t you thinking of the Jesuit motto:
Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man.

Oh, NO! Please don’t turn this question about CHILD REARING into Atheist vs. Strict Bible Constructivism.

Take it to another question.

@Saturated_Brain I disagree; it is very relevant. The Christian mindset can be very distressing to those not yet emotionally mature enough to filter it effectively, and in my opinion is a huge cause of low self esteem. A different, more accurate explanation should be less distressing since we have evolved to deal with the real world.
I also have a detailed alternative, but this is not the thread for that discussion. Just be careful saying that “Your truth is that nobody knows the truth for sure.”

It is a difference of religious views. Christains teach the Bible to children from an early age. Cool..you don’t agree….respect that..please respect our views!

@BoBo1946
It’s also not a truth. And you shouldn’t present it to a child as if it were.

@oratio I think many people have used it throughout history, and I’m not sure who was first. Thanks though!

@BoBo1946, You should correctly phase that, “Please respect my views.” You are not empowered to speak for unnamed others.

@FireMadeFlesh this is a difference of religious views. We are getting away from the question. Cool..you don’t agree…but, as i said earlier, i respect your view..please respect my view on the issue.

@Saturated_Brain Indeed. We just need to concentrate on how to make the kid stop crying, but I think the woman already ‘messed up’ by introducing heaven into her life so early when she can’t understand it, I think she’s just going to have to continue bombarding her daughter with ‘heaven is this and that’ stuff now to calm her down. The damage is already done I guess.

@PandoraBoxx loll..oh, thank you so much for correcting me…but, think everyone knew what i meant..this is not a court of law!

Never lie to a child about important stuff. Your child is obviously very sensitive about death right now for some reason. I would try to switch the train to another track that is less distressing to her. Tell her the whole story about how Jesus was born, and was a child like her, grew to a man, died (without the gruesome stuff just matter of factly) and rose from the dead. Someday he is coming for us to be in heaven with him and that will be like the biggest fish fry you’ve ever seen. (to borrow from an old movie)
@Sebulba I really would be interested in how you would handle the same situation being as you are obviously way smarter than @lizzmitch Kids don’t come with instruction manuals, so these are very difficult and far reaching questions/problems she is dealing with.

@BoBo1946
This is not a matter of respecting people’s own beliefs.
I can agree to disagree with religious people about their beliefs; I agree they have a right to freedom of religion. But building the same beliefs into their children’s minds without leaving them any choice, that’s not a right any parent has. Children too have a right to freedom of religion.

And yes, we should stop talking about this and get back to the original subject.
Apologies for the derailment.

@FireMadeFlesh Forgive that statement of mine, I know that it’s a gross generalisation, but in this case, there’s no space or time to go into specifics.

However, let’s please be pragmatic. Turning this into a religious debate will not help the mom, who I assume believes strongly in her faith. So what if we succeed in confusing her about her religion? She’ll then have to present an “I don’t know” to her child. Not sure that will make the situation any better. I’d really rather work within the framework of this scenario rather than try to broaden the scope way beyond what she asked for.

@Fyrius They may have it, but let’s be practical, you’re asking a mom in a Christian family to not tell her kid about heaven and leave her alone religiously. Are you sure about that? As @Blackberry says, if there’s any “damage” (I use this word very reluctantly) it’s been done. Let the child deal with it when she grows up.

@Fyrius according to a Christain’s belief, we do teach a child Christianity at an early age. Again, a difference of religious views! When the child become older, and he disagree with his parents, then the parent must respect the child’s view. That would be religious freedom.

Have a friend, great guy that i’ve played golf with over the years, was a preacher’s son and he chose not to believe. Those things happen.

@lizzmitch Apologies if you come back to find this. Flutherites get real touchy about such subjects. I’m not condemning or condoning your faith, but I just hope you really understand what it’s all about.

Associate the sun with warm and welcoming arms like you, mom.

This worked for my children at an early age.

@lizzmitch loll are you happy that you asked this question!

@Saturated_Brain I do not want your scenario, I agree that a parent must at least appear to have the answers. What I do want is for this mother to provide a more open minded view to her daughter. Rather than say “heaven is….” tell the daughter that “I would like to imagine heaven as….” until a better foundation is formed. Every child should be able to form, from an early age, a firm distinction between accepted facts and theories that almost all humans differ on. All I ask is for a less dictatorial presentation of beliefs, and the true discussion may blossom when the child is old enough to deal with abstract reasoning.

@BoBo1946 telling a child there is a Heaven is not a lie according to the beliefs of Christians

This is a true statement. And again, it gets back to 1) Religion is a belief, and 2) Young children have to be ready to differentiate between belief and reality in order to grasp the concepts of a particular religion.

Only Catholics and the spin-off Protestants sects baptize children as infants, and then actually have a confirmation of faith around age 12–14. The Christian sects have baptism at older ages, when the participant is able to discern for themselves what they believe and don’t believe.

@Saturated_Brain I agree completely. The most important thing now is to ease the childs mind somewhat and not to discuss whether she has done the right thing or not by telling her child about heaven and the Bible. What’s done is done and that’s what the mother needs to work with now. I don’t really believe in the whole “heaven and hell” idea now but I did find the idea of heaven comforting as a child who suffered from the same fears as the child we are talking about now. I don’t even think my parents really believe in “heaven and hell” as it is portrayed in the Bible but they just wanted to make death sound as unscary as possible. Who can blame them for that?

@FireMadeFlesh which is why I said that I thought that @PandoraBoxx‘s advice was good =)

It’s curious that you would ask in public for instruction on how to confuse your child with meaningless fairytales.

@BoBo1946
Hang on a minute.
This sort of child indoctrination is not a belief, it’s not a view. It’s a policy. That’s a very different sort of thing.
Freedom of religion does not have a minimum age. You should leave your children the freedom to disagree with your religious beliefs from the cradle to the grave.

@pdworkin might be a fairytale to you, but not the person that asked the question. Think their question should be respected.

Having thought about it, it might be a good idea to tell her that “heaven” is whatever she wants it to be. That way, you are not forcing any beliefs on her and she will use her imagination to make death more comforting to her based on what she wants to see when she gets to “heaven”. I suppose that is kind of what my dad did with me when he told me about all the dogs being in “heaven”.

I would imagine She is also asking her Pastor/ Priest/ Mom/ What-have you about the situation and we are just another input.

@PandoraBoxx cool..but, most Christians grew up in the Church and they will start teaching their children at an early age about the Bible etc. Does not mean the child is not also taught to think for themselves and be independent thinkers.

Personally, grew up in the Church…and have read about all religions etc, but my readings have not changed my religion or my children’s beliefs.

For clarification, I was asked by my daughter about heaven. I did not mention to her or teach her about it. She asked me and I was just trying to answer her questions. She is a very inquisitive child who surprises me daily in her comprehension of the world. So yes, I am going to answer her and truthfully, I am not going to lie to her and loose that trust.

@lizzmitch excellent answer!

@lizzmitch Good for you!

@lizzmitch So.. What are you going to tell her?

So how does one explain to an inquisitive child that a place which doesn’t exist is a “good” place? (Not you @BoBo)

@Fyrius not a policy..it is a belief…have four children that grew up in the Church…they all have college degrees and doing great with their Christian beliefs that were taught as a child. Again, you have a different belief about Christianity.

@pdworkin Cool..you don’t think it is exist, but Christians disagree! Again, a difference in beliefs!

@BoBo1946 The belief and the policy differ. You believe in God, but your policy is to tell your children about religious ideas from a young age. I believe in the power of rational thought, and my policy is to teach children to find the answers themselves until they have sufficient analytical powers to look at religions for themselves. Your policy is the manner in which you think your beliefs should be presented – an entirely different thing.

@FireMadeFlesh cool!

I don’t think it is you grammatical, much less making the sense. That’s why I was say “Not you, BoBo.”

@BoBo1946
What exactly do you have to say for the point that your decision to teach children the content of the bible as if it were factual is a belief and not a policy? I’m happy for your children, but they’re a tad irrelevant right now.

I would back up my own opposing point thus: it’s a policy because it’s something you do, and it’s not a belief because there is no proposition involved that can be true or false.

Edit: On second thought, what @FireMadeFlesh said. I think we had a misunderstanding of sorts. He cleared that up.
“The belief and the policy differ. You believe in God, but your policy is to tell your children about religious ideas from a young age.”

Okay.. Let’s move this discussion over to this thread please?

We now have a thread specially created for the lengths religion should go to in rearing children. No shoving and pushing, everyone gets a say!

I believe heaven exists and someday I will be there with all my hero’s, My earthly Father and my Father Creator. That is how I was raised, how I raised my children and hopefully down the line.

The concept of heaven, other than just as a place without all the caveats and quid pro quo’s (ala Aladdin) were not discussed in Sunday School until I was much older. My Childhood memories are of a much simpler time and of the basic story and of how Jesus Loved we children. etc.

It was also, a completely different world than the one we are living in today. maybe I am an alien

@lizzmitch, that’s a real doozy! After all, heaven is supposed to be the big “carrot” for believing in your religion—and your kid thinks it’s a “stick!” How ironic.

What I’d suggest is to be honest with her about what the Bible says about heaven. In the Bible, it isn’t a magical place that all the good Christians go to when they die. The Hebrew word for heaven, “shamayam,” actually just means “sky.” It’s a solid dome (the “raqiya”) that God created to hold up the ocean above the sky. He also set the sun, moon, planets and stars in this solid structure. See Genesis 1. (Bet your daughter didn’t know that the sky is solid and holds up an ocean! Or that the sun revolves around the earth!)

Also, the Bible never says that you get to go to heaven when you die. Rather, in the End Times, your corpse will get resurrected by Jesus when he brings the Kingdom of Heaven down to earth! See the book of Revelation.

So perhaps you should try telling your daughter that she won’t actually have to move up to heaven. Instead, after Jesus comes back and kills all of the unbelievers, Jesus will use his magic powers to bring her rotting corpse back to life! And maybe, she can even bury her toys and stuff so she’ll have them at hand when she resurrects!

If that doesn’t work, though, you can always just threaten her. Say that being resurrected into the kingdom of heaven is better than the alternative—“wailing and gnashing her teeth” in the “lake of fire.” Or go Old Testament. Tell her, per Deuteronomy 28, that if she doesn’t obey God, God will strike her with blindness, boils, and starvation, sell her into slavery, force her to eat the flesh of her own children and the afterbirth of her miscarriages, and “take delight in her ruin and destruction.”

Better yet, you could try not brainwashing your children into this bizarre cult.

@majorrich What will you do there that will keep your interest after the first 200 billion years?

Honestly it appears that none of us have any kind of life at all! The question posed was straight foreward and only required a simple answer. The fact that certain people have turned this into a religious debate is rediculous!! This question is clearly posed for people who have faith in a god and believe that there is a heaven. Why dont we let people who actually want to give her a GOOD answer….. ANSWER?????

@pdworkin Contemplating my navel has worked for the first 50. LOL

I guess I’ll figure that out once I get there. I think I will try to learn to play the guitar again. Never seem to have the time in my living years. Probably take lots of naps.

And I will get to sing and not get tired.

@majorrich
Spending an eternity in heaven taking lots of naps. That’s a bit ironic.
If there’s no afterlife and you just stop being conscious forever, you’d still pretty much get your way.

I’ve got something for you guys to check out

@majorrich, why are you so sure you’ll get to go to heaven? Isn’t that kind of presumptuous?

After all, what if Allah turns out to be the one true god and you end up getting burning oil poured down your throat in hell?

Or even worse, what if Yahweh exists but your interpretation of your religion is wrong, so you end up getting tortured by Abaddon’s lion-locust beasts and have to eat the flesh of your own children?

And why do you even believe in your Candyland-like heaven in the first place? It’s nowhere described like that in the BIble.

Your daughter is a brilliant little girl, and she understands that heaven isn’t such a great place if you have to die to get there. Else why doesn’t every Christian make a beeline for “heaven” the way Islamic suicide bombers do?

@bklynbberry25
Some of us had other ideas about what would be the right thing to do in this situation, and we shared those. This is not “rediculous” (sic).
If I would ask Fluther how I can get stronger lungs so I can blow air into my flat bicycle tire, and they don’t answer that question but instead tell me there are special pumps for that, I would be glad people showed me there are other ways instead of going with what I actually asked. Thinking outside the box and seeing the bigger picture.
And I think it’s a good thing to learn there are people who completely disagree with you, and why they do. Too many people only listen to the like-minded.
Nor could any satisfactory answer have been a simple one anyway.

Furthermore none of us has been able to keep anyone from giving proper answers.

I have not read the above. I find this question very sweet. Seems your daughter at a very young age has a grasp that dying means she will not be able to have the things she loves and not be able to be with the people she loves. In some ways I find her reaction very mature. Isn’t that what adults are afraid of when dying? No longer being with the people they love, and that heaven is an unknown, no matter how much a person buys into their belief about the afterlife.

I mean really, how can a young child understand the very abstract concept of God and heaven?

Why is she hearing the word heaven frequently? Did someone die recently? I remember hearing it for the first time when I was around 7 or 8 years old.

I think your kid has got this one figured out. I don’t think you need to explain anything.

There was a story in Florida years ago that a young mom died and days or weeks later (I don’t remember the exact detials) her three children were walking somewhere…the youngest one, elementary school age…distraught from the loss of her mother told her sisters she wanted to die and be with mommy and threw herself into an oncoming train. Looking forward to heaven is not always a good thing.

@Fyrius I guess My construct of heaven is still under construction. The ideal dogmatic answer would be I would spend eternity singing and praising God. Having been ill for so long I am working the naps in. I do love to sing in the choir and am disappointed when we have to stop.

@Qingu I Believe God, Allah, Yhwh, all refer to the creator and are the same. My faith is that my sins have been forgiven and I have been made pure enough to make the cut. I don’t deserve to be in heaven, but my concept of God is that I will enter heaven by his grace alone. That is why I am so grateful. really, I ain’t makin’ this part up. I really believe this. Please don’t poke fun

@pdworkin well, excuse me…my bad..sorry that my grammar upset you! you should be happy, you two lurves!

@majorrich I admit that I have never read the entire Qu’ran, but I have read a substantial portion and failed to find any mention of Allah being either forgiving or capable of mercy. Do you know of such a passage?

Now I really am straying from the question, so feel free to PM me instead of answering below.

@FireMadeFlesh said many, many posts ago: “Tell the child that death is a long sleep that old people get because they are tired after a full life.” NO! Do not do that. Then the child will always be afraid to go to sleep.

@Qingu It’s funny that you ask how one know’s they’re going to heaven. I once had an MRI for headaches. They found something abnormal, but ultimately clinically irrelevant. The neurosurgeon I saw told me it would be something interesting for a pathologist to find on my autopsy 80–90 years later. I told the surgeon that I’d be sure to look down and observe the autopsy. He looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “How do you know which way you’ll be looking?” :-)

You should worry more about your daughter bursting into tears about something you’ve scared her about rather than the fact that it’s because she hears the word heaven – she is just a child. I may not understand this because I do not teach my children about heaven and anything else that comes with religion other than that other people believe in all that stuff and there are numerous ways they go about doing so, so please forgive me if I sound crude.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir The OP said in a post above that she didn’t teach her daughter about heaven, her daughter approached her about it so she had obviously heard it elsewhere (school maybe?).

@Leanne1986 you’re right..then the explanation scared the child…I just feel badly for both the child and the well-intentioned parent…these concepts are very hard to grasp for kids…

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
For adults too, I’d add.
I don’t think we grow out of that confusion and distress by learning to grasp the concept of death. I think we just give up. And get used to it.
And some of us try to make or buy into predictions of what it will be like.

@Fyrius agreed.

I wouldn’t want to go to Heaven either.

It’s effectively a giant gated community populated by elitist Republicans and Jebus’s yes-men. To boot, it’s never dark. I can’t sleep with a night-light on. I’d be very uncomfortable in Heaven.

I just don’t think the truth always means the whole truth, especially for kids. Even if you believe in teaching the Bible to small children, don’t you skip over the adultery bits, the masturbation bits, the stoning people to death for all sorts of relatively minor offenses bits, the wanton slaughter of everyone who isn’t part of your tribe bits? I know we didn’t talk much about that stuff at my Sunday school.

Heaven is all the good things you can imagine. Tell her to wrap all of her favorite things together and that’s heaven. Emphasize imagine. Don’t directly tell her it’s real. Tell her it exists in her mind or something.

For example, my heaven includes Disneyland and pet tigers.

Children do not have the ability to understand or process intangible abstract concepts. Parents who care about their children don’t load them down with fear inducing concepts they are not ready to handle.

When children start to ask questions, you should give them the most straight-forward answer you can. If they want to know more, try and figure out what they really want to know and answer that and just that.

@Snarp Not telling the whole truth is technically still lying, but you can rest assured that I dont tell her all the details. She is only 4 after all…
@Sebulba My daughter will not be a mindless religious drone. I encourage her to think for herself, that is why she is asking me about heaven.
@Dr_Lawrence I think you under estimate children. Straight-forward answers don’t always work.
@JLeslie She hears heaven frequently because we are in church about 3 times a week. We talk about God and related things at home, and she will bring it back up to try again to understand it. No one has died recently that she knows.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir & @Fyrius Yes, I agree that they are hard concepts for children and adults to understand. However, I would much rather be the one to answer her than tell her we aren’t going to talk about this now. She could end up learning about it from someone else who will just tell her whatever.
@tinyfaery Thanks for that answer.

Ah well. Who is to say that her toys and the house and her bed won’t be there in heaven as well if it would exist. Can anyone claim to have a shred of knowledge about what would be?

@pdworkin well, I say not you, pdworkin!

@lizzmitch I fundamentally disagree with the notion that not telling the whole truth is lying. Where does the whole truth end? There is such a thing as too much information, even for adults. Even in a court of law where you have sworn to tell the whole truth, they don’t really want the whole truth. Suppose the lawyer asks: what is your relationship with this woman? The whole truth is: “we met on december 6, 1998. We didn’t really like each other much, but we had friends in common so we were often out as a group. One day in 1999 we had a little too much to drink and wound up sleeping together. After that we had a huge fight and didn’t speak for a month. Then…....” ad infinitum. That may be an extreme example, but the point is that we always exercise judgement in deciding just how much of the “truth” to tell anyone. That doesn’t make us liars, it makes us reasonable.

In general, fear is best compensated by knowledge and experience. Your child seems to be afraid of dying, you might want to educate her a little more on that topic, rather than focus on the concept of heaven. After all, she is still young and shouldn’t need to worry about it.

Don’t tell her stories that stray away from the truth, that will likely backfire. We have friends that told their young child that death is like sleeping and the child refused to go to sleep for days and still worries about not waking up. When you talk about heaven as a fact, she will ask details and wonder about how one could know.

Our boys were aged 3 when my stepfather died. They gave him a last kiss on his dying bed and hugged him as a farewell. After he succumbed, they were allowed to stroke his face and say their private goodbyes. A few days later, they were also there, at the funeral and helped us carry the coffin to its final resting place. Their grandfather was very special to them and they were deeply touched. Us treating death without fear, helped them accept it as part of life and they are not afraid of it. I am convinced that in general, children will look at their parents to see whether something is scary or not; they’ll copy your fears. Death is part of life and defines it. Don’t be afraid of it and openly discuss it when the topic arises.

@lizzmitch Well, I was never in church as a child, and Jews generally don’t talk about, definitely don’t dwell on death and heaven, so I wasn’t around it at all. I remember specifically asking my mom and dad what happens when you die when I was very young (7 or 8) we drove by a cemetary and my parents explained that is where dead people are buried. That was the first time I remember even really thinking about death or afterlife.

I think @Dr_Lawrence makes a good point; what does she really want to know? Maybe she just needs to be reasurred that mommy and daddy and she are not going to die any time soon, that she is safe, and she doesn’t have to worry about being separated from you or her toys. Maybe she feels like it could happen any moment? That seems like a big burden for such a young child. Most people are not so aware of how fragile life can be until they are much older.

It seems to me that even if it is a promise of life with God in His kingdom, and sold like it is DisneyLand, she still isn’t going to like the idea of going to see Mickey without her mommy.

If you’re interested in perpetuating the religious idea, just tell her its a place where everything she loves will be. Some things, like people she loves, won’t be there immediately, but they’ll get there eventually. Like waiting for Christmas, eventually it comes. While many people try and make heaven into what they think it should be (which would in fact be hell for many, I can’t imagine being happy wearing a pretty white dress all the time and playing a harp and I can think of several people of the same mind), its easier to tell her that its what she would want it to be. Like her life now, but better.

kids have amazing capacity in imagination – you need to talk to her about heaven as if you were a kid – tell her what wonderful things will be there – all her toys, even the ones she lost and thought she would never see again, people who died, pets she’s lost, love, of all things – Even if you don’t feel that to be the exactly accurate (!?) description of heaven biblically, you are still giving her something to work with in her mind so that as her intelligence matures, she will be better able to grasp and understand and question and embrace. Kids’ minds don’t work the way an adult’s does, so you cannot expect her to take the stark truth without embellishment.

@JLeslie what happened to avvooooooo?

@BoBo1946 What do you mean? Did something happen? Did you try sending a PM if you are worried?

Why would you keep bringing up such things? Adults disagree about things like heaven, hell, god, satan and all the rest. Children’s minds don’t need to be littered with such things. There will be plenty of time to ruin her bright outlook on life. Let her enjoy her toys and puppies and things. Let her be a kid.

Bless her heart. She must be quite the little intellect! I was raised in church and was taught that heaven has streets paved with gold, Jesus is there and it’s wonderful. No worries. No resentments about who told me, why they told me, etc. I never ever was mad at my mother for letting me believe in Santa, either.
It filled my childhood with magic and wonder and made the holiday SO much more exciting than when I was told the truth. I just realized that “all” children were told there was a Santa and an Easter bunny and I am so glad I was one of them. If she doesn’t tell her daughter about heaven, and the child is an intricate thinker, she may believe that you die and are buried in the ground and rot away. Is that really a better option?

If she doesn’t tell her daughter about heaven, and the child is an intricate thinker, she may believe that you die and are buried in the ground and rot away. Is that really a better option?

I see nothing wrong with allowing the child to know that this life is a wonderful thing to be cherished, and death is a natural part of that life.

@Seek_Kolinahr I agree you can stop right there with it but if she keeps asking questions about an Afterlife (most kids have heard about one) I just could not say, “you’re buried in the ground after you die and you stay there.” I think it would give her a scary mental picture. You could compromise and say, “many people believe you go to Heaven and they say it’s a beautiful place.” What’s wrong with that? If you think it’s a lie , then I can see how you’d object.

Well, the OP is clearly a believer in an afterlife, so it stands to reason that her child would have been exposed to that idea as fact.

Hopefully by the time my own son is confronted with such myths, he can confront me with his confusion, and I can explain to him that mankind has created libraries of stories about what may happen after death, and we can discuss what his own thoughts and feelings are.

@Aster I was around 8 years old when I was driving by a cemetary with my parents and asked what it was. My parents told me people are buried there when they die. I asked what happens when you die, and they said you stop living. I never thought you maintained awareness while in the ground when you were dead. It wasn’t confusing to me.

I think the most honest and constructive way to tell a child about afterlives is to give her a (Simple English) Wikipedia style overview of the real-world situation. Tell her what you believe, but also that other people believe different things, with some examples. And convey that nobody is really sure, including you.

She’ll have to learn to deal with uncertainty sooner or later.

@Fyrius GA. In the end that is what my parents did, told me different people believe different things. In fact that is when I first remember hearing about God possibly having some sort of influence over the afterlife. But, very religiou people, I wonder if they ever present the different points of view? If they are sure in their beliefs they might see no need for it. Why tell an alternative to what they see as fact?

I think I can point to some reasons.

I’m fairly confident myself that all talk of afterlives is only a product of cosmically small beings imagining things in order to feel less frightened and confused. But when it comes to explaining things to children, I think being a bit more considerate is in order.

I won’t forget I only ended up believing the religions are full of excrement after about a decade of philosophising, scientific education, rationalist pursuits and talking to dozens of religious people. And I think that sort of evaluative experience is the only right way to come to such a judgemental conclusion. It’s no good to take a parent’s word for it.
If you really don’t want a child to be religious, give her a high enough sanity waterline and let her figure out the rest.

The most important part of this approach is that it’s fair. People of any persuasion can agree to let her pursue the truth, because if they’re confident about their beliefs they’ll expect her to find her way back to them eventually.

Besides, the children will stumble upon people with different ideas sooner or later. Is there any point in denying that other convictions even exist?
It would even be in a bigot’s best interests to tell their kids about the other options, if only so they can pre-emptively discredit them with stories about how they’re all creations of Satan to test their faith or whatever.

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In my case, by the way, I had the good fortune of growing up with a Catholic mother and a father who’s a tacit de facto atheist and never brings it up. Parents who respectfully disagree naturally create an atmosphere where alternatives are easily discussed and accepted.
And of course it was in the Netherlands, which must also help for accepting cultural diversity.

I knew this had to be an old question before the lagoon went dark.

You tell them as soon as they understand English, or whatever language is spoken where they are.