General Question

shoebox's avatar

How can I help some one who's about to lose some one special?

Asked by shoebox (517points) October 20th, 2010

My fiance’s aunty is dying and I have no idea how to help him…. right now we are sitting quietly in my room… Please help! How can I help him?
I want to let him know its ok… But i don’t know how…

I bought him flowers and gave him a massage…. what else can I do to make it ok?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

24 Answers

flutherother's avatar

Don’t worry. No one knows how to help or what to say in these circumstances. It is enough that you want to help and that you are there. Your fiance will appreciate that very much. When you are losing someone you need to have someone close to you.

poisonedantidote's avatar

Just be with him, and be there for him. I’m sorry to say this, but there is nothing you can do.

I have a lot of thoughts and philosophies on death and little ideas on how to get some comfort out of it, but none of that is going to help you, it will just make you think im an idiot. If i had shared these ideas and thoughts with you and your fiance a couple of years ago then maybe it would help him a little, but to try and share those kinds of thought now would be wrong and would just go in one ear and out the other.

Just be there for him, if he wants to be left alone just leave him alone for a while then come back see how he is doing, and just be a friend.

partyparty's avatar

Just be there for him… whenever he needs you. Be happy to listen, but also give him space when he needs it.
A hug, lots of reassurance and kind words will go a long way to helping him through this very sad time.

meiosis's avatar

You can’t make it OK, but you are there for him.

Cruiser's avatar

Ask him to share with you all his fond memories of her…I think he will appreciate your interest in her.

marinelife's avatar

Ask him what would help and then do it. Note that that may be nothing. Feel for him, but he may not want to talk about it.

You really cannot grieve for another person. He has to go through it alone even though he has your support. it just takes time.

BoBo1946's avatar

Just being there for him is enough.

saraaaaaa's avatar

I whole heartedly agree with being there for him as everyone has said.

I went through something similar last year with my best friend losing her dad after a long battle with cancer. At first I told her that if she needed to talk day or night then I was there, and she took me up on that when she needed it, but when she didn’t come to me to talk I acted normal around her. Your partner is probably going to have a few people around him at the minute acting delicately and that is all well and good because as has been said we don’t really know how to be there for anyone under these circumstances. Grief is a very personal experience. But maybe by being normal, making him laugh, telling him about your day and just generally distracting him and helping him to know that things will become better with time is the best that you can do?

I hope this helps :)

CaptainHarley's avatar

Sometimes we just need someone who cares about us to be there with us. They don’t have to say or do anything except sit with us, perhaps hold our hand, and lend a sympathetic ear if we need to talk. The human condition can be a very sad one, but it’s always a bit easier when someone else cares. You’re doing good so far. Just keep going. [ HUGS ]

I am reminded of the lil boy whose next door neighbor, an older man, lost his wife to cancer. The little boy’s mother looked out the window and saw her son sitting on the old man’s lap. When he came home, she asked him if he had told the old guy something. The boy said, “No. I just helped him cry.”

GeorgeGee's avatar

Offer a shoulder to cry on, carry some tissues, and absolutely, positively make the time to go with him to the funeral or visit the grave site when that time comes.

Jude's avatar

Just be there for him; not necessarily sitting with him, just physically be near. And, if he wants to talk, listen.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Ask him if he would like do do something (get away for a few minutes, etc) or if there is anything you can get him and give him a few options. Most likely his mind is elsewhere so just be with him and hold his hand or hold him. don’t push him to talk or do anything, just play off what he gives you.

shoebox's avatar

Thank you every one for the advice, I ased him if he needed anything and told him whatever it is I’ll do it for him and that it’s ok to be emotional and it’s ok to cry because he’s been getting angry recently.. I told him it’s ok to let it out and he said thank you for telling him those things and he’s staying over at my house and I quickly went out and told him I had to go out and help my mum (but I really went out to buy flowers) and when I surprised him he said ‘marry me’ lol and we hugged all night and ate chocolate and food. I’m worried about him still…
I guess just being there for him is the only thing I can do…

Thanks again everyone

CaptainHarley's avatar


See? You’re doin’ great, hon. Just keep on the way you’ve been going. : ))

Judi's avatar

Just be there. Lots of people don’t know what to do or say and end up just avoiding the person. A true friend is just there and listens when they need to talk, and is quietly supportive when they need to cry. Allow him to feel his feelings and just quietly be there to support him.

Judi's avatar

I guess I should have read the other answers first. A lot of wisdom here on fluther.

wundayatta's avatar

Bring soup.

One of my close friends will be gone any day now. Brain cancer. Many people want to visit with him. It’s not clear he is aware of anyone any more. But there are a lot of people involved—family members, friends, etc. They asked for healthy food. Especially soup. Perhaps that’s easier for someone close to the end to eat.

Or food. They have too much on their hands now to think about shopping and groceries and cooking.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I want to weep when I think about my beloved Vicky having to go through all that when I pass on. : ((

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@CaptainHarley It’s a bitch to go through, but there aren’t much in the way of alternatives. The one thing you can do to help her out is to make sure she doesn’t have to deal with a lot of loose ends (whatever they might be) left by you. Dealing with what’s remaining after our own passing is not a nice thing to address now, but it will mean that much less she has to think about while she’s grieving. Have whatever papers, documents, etc in a place she can get to easily and make sure she knows where everything is.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I am doing that as best I can, putting most things in her name so they won’t have to be probated, having a clear and simple will, buying my own monument, paying in advance for the funeral, making a list of all the people who need to be notified of my death, etc.

Thank you for the great advice! : )

marinelife's avatar

@CaptainHarley You are a brave man. You will be a great loss to the world and to the Fluther community.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Thank you for the compliment, but I don’t see myself that way. I’m just a fairly ordinary guy who had some great adventures in life and started a great lil family, but whose life has just about run its course. I just wanna stick around for a few more years so I can spend with my Vicky. : ))

marinelife's avatar

@CaptainHarley I will send positive energy your way.

CaptainHarley's avatar


Thank you. You’re very kind. : ))

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther