Social Question

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

My friend hates my boyfriend. Should I try to make her change her mind?

Asked by mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe (1478points) October 20th, 2010

When I told my friend about my boyfriend, she said “why are you doing this to me?” and started telling me that he is “ewww”. If I like him, what’s the problem? I mean, he’s my boyfriend and I think it’s weird that my friend keeps asking me to break up with him. Yesterday she wrote our names and then the word “bullshit”. Okay, I know he’s not her type (and he’s not even supposed to be her type anyway) and that he’s not my type either, but I like him ‘cause… um… I don’t know why but I do. Anyway the question is should I try to make her change her mind or should I let her tell me the reason why she is so negative and maybe let her make me change my mind?

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32 Answers

MissA's avatar

How can you DO that? Good luck. Sounds absurd.

ucme's avatar

She needs to either shut up or hit the road, coz she don’t sound like a friend to me. Maybe she’s jealous!! Dun dun dun :¬)

chyna's avatar

Your answer is in your first sentence. “Why are you doing this to me?” She wants you to herself. She will hate anyone you date because he will come between the two of you. Better to straighten out the situation now or dump her as a friend. Tell her that dating doesn’t have to end your friendship, but if she continues to act like a jerk, that will end your friendship.

marinelife's avatar

I would cut back on the amount I am seeing this “friend.” Friends don’t get the say in who you see or don’t see.

rangerr's avatar

I don’t miss being 12.

Austinlad's avatar

Strictly her problem—not yours to solve.She doesn’t sound like your friend.

Nullo's avatar

I’d say that you should try to get to the bottom of her dislike, and see if you can fix that.

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

@chyna she didn’t hate any of my ex boyfriends. I mean she doesn’t hate everyone, it’s more like she has a problem with the one I’m with now. and I’m pretty sure that she’ll continue to act like a jerk, but I don’t wanna stop being friends with her.

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

@Nullo okay but how am I gonna do that?

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Ohh, this sounds like jealousy to me. She either likes your boyfriend or fears that he will steal you away from her.
Seeing as how she didn’t hate your other boyfriends, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she has a little crush on this one. Either way, don’t reward bad behavior. Don’t let her get her way simply for the sake of it.

partyparty's avatar

Your friend should accept you like him, whether she does or not. Telling you she doesn’t like him shouldn’t be relevant to you. Ignore her.
She doesn’t sound like such a good friend.

Nullo's avatar

@mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe Sit her down and ask, “Why don’t you like my boyfriend? I want us all to get along, etc.” I cannot predict her response, so you’ll have to play the rest by ear.
Whatever else, do not lose your composure.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

She’s not your friend.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

If you care about this friend, get to the bottom of her concerns. What is the rule? It takes seven “But why“s to get to the bottom of the actual feeling of another? She may know something about him, possibly something based on hearsay, and is just showing concern without wanting to spread gossip. There could be a dozen of other reasons.

I wouldn’t cut the friendship short though. If you don’t know why you like him, it’s understandable why she doesn’t either. At best, just don’t discuss your boyfriend around her, and change the subject if she brings the topic up. Only time will tell which one of you turns out to be correct.

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

@Nullo thank you. that’s what I’m gonna do. @Pied_Pfeffer I can’t change the subject if she brings it up because we’re classmates so I see both of them twice a week (english classes pff) and we all sit at the same table. so, each time I look at him, she kicks me or writes things on my book.

CMaz's avatar

Yes, you should.
Start out by poking her with a stick.

JustmeAman's avatar

I think you need to understand what the deffinition of a friend is. And then see if she fits that deffinition.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

Maybe—just maybe—she’s not the one who’s “wrong”.

Kardamom's avatar

It seems odd that you don’t know why you like him. You ought to figure that part out soon. Ask yourself these kinds of questions? Is he kind? Is he thoughtful? Is he polite? Does he have good hygiene? Is he funny without being mean? Do you have a lot of common interests? Does he treat your friends and family nicely? Does he show interest in doing things that you enjoy? Does he show up or call when he says he will? Does he want to spend time with you AND your friends in groups? Is he a family oriented guy (does he like spending time with his own family and bringing you along?) Has he introduced you to his parents? What does he think about being around your parents? I’m guessing that you think he is physically attractive, but is there much more to your interest than that?

The next thing is to ask your friend exactly what it is about him that she doesn’t like? Does she know something about him that you don’t? Have her give you specifics. Does she think he’s cheating on you? Does she think he takes or sells drugs? Does she think he is rude or inconsiderate? Does she think he’s abusive toward you or anyone else? Does she hear him saying bad things behind your back? Does he use bad language? Is he an unsafe driver? Does he like to brag? Does he dress like a gangsta? Does she think that he only uses your money when you eat out or go to the movies? Does she think that he monopolizes your time? Does she think he’s a lawbreaker? Does she think he’s trying to isolate you from your friends and family?

If she can’t come up with any concrete reasons for why she doesn’t like him, ask her if she’s worried that you will spend so much time with this boy that you will abandon her or stop hanging out with her. She could be worried about that. Girls have an ugly tendency to drop their female friends when some guy enters the picture.

wundayatta's avatar

We’ve had this question the other way around: how do I get my friend to break up with her boyfriend. Hmmm. That wouldn’t be your friend, would it?

I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. You don’t. Each of you is an autonomous person, and if you’re really friends, you’ll be there for each other without criticizing each other. You won’t judge each other.

Listen to me. You really don’t want to try to change your friend. First of all, you can’t do it. Second of all, that’s how you make a gap between you into a rift then into a chasm.

Here’s what you can do. Whenever she says something to you about him, ask her to please not talk about him. He is your boyfriend, and you don’t want her to tell you what to do.

That’s your story and you should stick to it. Tell her, nicely… no, don’t tell her. Ask her to please not try to offer you advice about your boyfriend. Ask her to keep it as a forbidden topic since it is coming between you. Refuse to answer any questions or respond to her opinions, just keep saying you would appreciate it if she stopped offering you unsolicited advice on the subject.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Is it possible that she knows something not good (like perhaps he’s cheating on you?) about this boyfriend, but doesn’t want to be the one to tell you. You need to ask her why she doesn’t really like this boyfriend, and ask her to tell you the truth. Usually this type of situation boils down to five scenarios: 1) your friend has a crush on this boy herself 2) your friend is gay and has a crush on you 3) something about this boy changes your behavior and attitudes in a way that is not good (ditching girlfriends for the boyfriend, drugs/drinking/sex where these were not an issue before, decline in grades or interest in extracurriculars) or 4) your friend knows something negative about the boyfriend and doesn’t want to tell you, or 5) your friend is jealous. More often than not, it’s #3 – something about the relationship is changing you as a friend.

Kardamom's avatar

@BarnacleBill You really hit on all of the possible answers and boiled it down more succinctly than I did!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You say she’s not disliked any of your other bf’s but she is hateful about this one? My guess is there’s more to it than she’s wanting to tell you. I’d ask her for some specifics. If she’s a very good and trustworthy friend then she may have overheard or seen something she doesn’t want to share with you and hurt your feelings over. She may be really angry at your bf because she thinks he’s doing you wrong. Ask her if it’s to do with any of that. If she says no then I’d then suspect your bf previously teased her or insulted her and she’s holding a grudge.

josie's avatar

There is really nothing you can do but wait patiently for you and your friends to grow up. As a bonus, by then you will probably have made new friends. But at age 13 it is not realistic to imagine that you won’t have to put up with this daily.

Nullo's avatar

@BarnacleBill It is unlikely that her friend is just being a jerk.

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

@Kardamom okay thanks for the questions. I actually figured out why I like him, but my friend won’t say anything but “I don’t like him.”

@wundayatta that’s a GA

@BarnacleBill I don’t think she knows something because she met him this year, knows really nothing about him and I also don’t think that she’s ever actually talked to him. 1) I don’t know if she has a crush on him but I don’t think so because she would have told me if she would. I mean, the first time we saw him, we talked about “the new one” and she seemed to just hate him. 2) If my friend is gay I really should know about it. 3) No way. He can’t change me I’m the bad one. 4) I’m never gonna figure it out because she’s never ever ever gonna tell me. 5) She shouldn’t be anyway.

@Neizvestnaya When I asked her she said that my ex was better for me (BUT that was a guy who turned out to be awful and a big liar) and that the new guy is ugly. If that’s her real reason, I’ll have to start worrying. We’re not in 5th grade anymore, right?

Kardamom's avatar

If you’re not too shy, can you share with us what you figured out that you like about him?

If I were you, I would draw up a list of questions about why she possibly doesn’t like him and ask her to mark them, yes or no. If she won’t say anything at all other than “I don’t like him” you might want to re-consider your friendship with her. If she won’t talk to you or level with you, then you don’t have much of a friendship. But I still suspect that she knows something about this guy that she hasn’t yet told you. Secrets are rampant in high school.

smokeweedeveryday's avatar

lol. my friend doesnt like my boyfriend either. You should just let her know that you dont appreciate her talking shit about your relationship. Im mean yeah she can state her opinion but she shouldnt be so hurtfull about it either. Let her know thats its YOUR relationship NOT hers. She should be glad at the fact that your happy.

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

@Kardamom Yeah I guess I can tell you what I like about him. He’s a nice guy, he’s kind and likes to talk to me (which is important. um…. most of the times we need like half an hour or even more to start talking, because we just stare at eachother but anyway) Oh and we also like the same bands and the same movies. Annnnd he texts me every day to see if I’m okay. And the nicest thing is that when I’m with him, it feels great and when we walk down the street, holding hands, I’m like awwww.

Kardamom's avatar

Maybe your friend just feels like you are spending too much time with him and kind of leaving her in the dust. I take it that she doesn’t have a boyfriend? Maybe if you and your boyfriend spent some time with your group of friends, including your best friend, that would help. Good luck with all of this.

mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe's avatar

@Kardamom No she doesn’t have a bf. And yeah I could try to do that.

and thanks

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