Social Question

furion's avatar

Loving a taken woman?

Asked by furion (55points) November 1st, 2010

I don’t know what I’m doing on fluther honestly, I found this website about 4 minutes ago and decided to take a leap and ask someone. About 4 months ago I met this amazing girl, she’s without doubt the single most perfect creature on this planet. We had first met with some friends but I was to scared to talk to her and I normally I have no problem talking to girls only one other girl has ever been able to do these things to me and I that was just a grade school crush.

I finally got the balls to talk to this girl and quickly it turned into a great friendship, little did I know I was falling in love with this girl. From just about the start I’ve known she has had a boyfriend. We grew closer and closer as time went by, now I’m the 2nd most important person in her life and shes my most important. We talk everyday with each other for hours a day about everything and nothing.

She is a culmination of everything I ever dreamed of finding in a girl and stuff I didn’t even think I wanted. If I ever find an imperfection in her its hastily washed away and replaced by a view of beauty about the subject matter. I try and try to find things wrong with her so that maybe I can love her less but it just strengthens what I feel. I can’t even remember what the imperfection were, it’s like they have been wiped from my memory completely.

I’ve become a confidant of sorts for her. I just want to be as close as I possibly can to this girl. Every time I make her smile or laugh it makes me so incredibly happy inside I just want to feel like that all the time. She’s told me things about her relationship and how its quite shaky, the guy is quite sketchy and has a lot of abusive husband type traits which really gets under my skin cause there’s nothing more I hate than abuse against women, I’ve helped a lot of friends and a few family members through abusive relationships.

She’s practically cheating on her boyfriend with me but I’m so new to these feelings I’m unsure of what to do, think, say, anything/everything!

I’ve told this girl I will never leave her no matter what I’m sticking with her till the end. Before meeting this girl I was quite broken, unhappy, and depressed. I continuously sabotaged relationships not with just girlfriends but with anyone that got to close with me. With her though I’ve completely let her in and I see no end to our relationship ever. But since being with her I’ve wanted to actually live, be with people, go out and have fun.

One last thing, this is a long distance relationship, both I and her and her and her boyfriend.

I’m not really sure what I planned on getting from typing out all this but I guess I should probably get to my question. Firstly am I stupid for being in love with a woman who loves someone else more than she does me? And secondly should I bother waiting around for her relationship to end, I so badly want to be with this girl in a more meaningful way that it hurts. When I see a couple out my heart aches and immediately thinks of her, I want her more than anything I’ve ever wanted before she’s like my air I can finally live when I have her in my heart. I do feel I’m being foolish loving someone who has told me she loves her boyfriend than she does me. Please help me ;-;

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16 Answers

autumnsunset's avatar

I am not quite sure where to start. First, may I ask how old you are? If you are “young”....say, in your 20’s and under I would like to remind you that we are very emotional at this age. Science tells us that most people are very hormonal at this age and we have to be careful to not just go with our feelings but to use our head as well. But you seem to be using your head or else you would not be seeking counsel, which is always wise. I would say to be patient. Let time tell if you truly love this person. Time will tell if this person develops the same feelings for you or if this person is meant to be with this other person. Have you considered tell her how you feel? She is not married, only dating this other person, so I see no problem with sharing your feelings. If she was married I would tell you to essentially back off.
I am concerned because you said that you were depressed prior to meeting this person. Be careful not to find happiness in one person. You must learn to be content with yourself. You must love yourself before you can truly love someone else. If you want to be a good husband, then dealing with any past hurts or problems will be much healthier for you and your future wife. I believe everyone in this world can benefit from some counseling, whether it be personal counseling, family counseling, marriage counseling or the like.
As for the long distance: this could be why she seems so perfect. Only talking on the phone, etc does not give a full assessment of how someone is. Some “face time” would also be beneficial.

furion's avatar

Yes I am young(19) and yes I have told this girl how I feel, we are incredibly close. She’s just one of those people who wont give up on a relationship, I feel like shes more in love with being in a relationship than she is actually in love with him. I know that the long distance can be a mask of perfection and yes if I were with this girl I would in a heartbeat find a way for us to be together. As far as the happiness in one person I feel like shes opened up my ability to be with other people, I’ve recently made a lot of life changing changes, all for the better of myself. Only time will tell if my depression is better, or at least I think it will.

autumnsunset's avatar

Please do not mistake my comment about being young for being a “put down.” I married at 19 and have been married for 19 years in fact. My concern is that I see many young people one week saying they are madly in love, or even engaged and the next week the relationship is over and they are now considering a relationship with someone else.
I would just be patient. As you said, she is in a relationship and you will just have to wait and see what she decides. Maybe putting a little distance (emotionally) between you both will help you both see if you were meant to be together. I look forward to seeing all of the comments and advice you will receive. Keep us posted how things work out.

furion's avatar

I just thought you were being inquisitive about my age so no big deal :D. I’m scared of backing off from her cause I don’t know how to control it so that I back off just a little. And I know that if I back off to much she’ll see it as me leaving her which I promised her I would never do(so many people in her life have already I don’t want to be another!)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You’re in an emotiional relationship.
She’s in an unfulfilling relationship.
If she felt she would be happier with you then she’d probably have made the transition to be with you if she’s gotten this emotionally open with you already. My guess is she’s using you but not in the sense to be cruel, you’re in “the friend zone”.

furion's avatar

Sadly I’ve thought of the exact same thing: she’s using me to fulfill her emotional needs. I’m a nice guy so I do tend to be stuck into the friend zone but this girl lies to her boyfriend to spend time with me on a daily basis. I just wish there was a big book of answers, I’m so new to these feelings everything is like an overwhelming tidal wave. I don’t think I’m in the friend zone honestly, I mean shes gone so far to tell me she even loves me but maybe it is just as a friend =(

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@furion: If nothing else then this experience has given you affirmation that you’re a wonderful and giving support and will probably be much appreciated and successful with your own partner when you get one who chooses you above all others.

furion's avatar

@Neizvestnaya, Thank you very much

marinelife's avatar

First, brace yourself. You are in a shaky position.

1. She knows that you love her, but she won’t break up with her boyfriend for you. Bad sign.

2. She occupies much of your time and all of your feelings so you can’t care for anyone else.

3. It is long distance, which is not everyday, real life.

If you are going to continue on this course, do it with your eyes open knowing that heartache could be just around the corner.

Make yourself a pledge to keep up the positive changes that you have made in your life. Go out, meet new people. Enjoy life. Even if she breaks it off with you.

perspicacious's avatar

I know you think your story is unique. It’s as common as the headache. Be smart and stop being in contact with her. She knows how you feel right now. If her relationship fails she will probably call you. Hopefully you would be over her at that time. She is keeping you around as a fallback guy. She doesn’t deserve you. Stop the contact with her and get on with your life—your real life.

Kardamom's avatar

When you are very young, you can tend to experience highs and lows much more acutely than when you mature and get older (experience). I don’t doubt that you are in love with this girl, but I don’t think you have really thought through all of the ramifications and particulars. It sounds pretty painful now, but I have the feeling that it’s all going to go down in the proverbial flames.

The first red flag is when I hear that people are in a long distance relationship. Of course there are plenty of starry eyed people who will give you anecdotal evidence that they can work, but think about it. You really don’t know the person in a “real” sense. You don’t see them every day, day in and day out. Most long distance relationships ultimately fail, because they are not real or they are not complete. You are only experiencing the very exciting and dramatic part. It must be very exciting for you to have her tell you how much you mean to her and how much you are helping her. It makes you feel like a knight in shining armor. I’m sure she does care for you, but you are very, very convenient for her. She can go on and on about her passion for this other guy, while at the same time letting you know that he is potentially abusive. But since you love her so much, you just go along with all of it. That’s no fun for you.

Also don’t buy the bit about her saying that she can’t leave him because it’s “wrong” to bail out on a relationship. Either she can’t leave him because she’s to afraid to, or she doesn’t want to leave him because even though the relationship with this other guy isn’t good, it’s extremely exciting and passionate. And as long as you don’t pressure her to leave him, or you don’t decide that you’re bored of her and just stop obsessing about her, she’s got the best of both worlds: a super-passionate exciting bad boy boyfriend and a super-sweet loving good friend (only friend, and I emphasize that word) who listens and listens and listens. And because she and this other guy aren’t married and don’t even live together, and don’t even live in the same town, she is under NO obligation to continue to date him. She is perfectly free to give him up.

But just because she is free to give him up, does not mean that she would choose you as her boyfriend if she did break up with him. She has the option to be your girlfriend, since you gave her that option, clearly, but she didn’t take it. It sounds like she loves the drama and she probably loves you “as a friend” but since that is not the type of love you feel for her, you’d be doing both of yourselves a favor if you just told her that you are going to try to persue a relationship with someone who has mutual feelings with you, someone that lives in your town, someone that you have lots of things in common with. You don’t need to blow her off in some big dramatic fashion, just start lessening your calls down to zero and start going out and doing the things that you enjoy (where people gather) whether it’s a club or a sport or a church or just about anywhere where you’ll actually be engaged in activities that you enjoy (meaning not a bar or other stereotypical pick up joint) where you’ll have fun whether or not you end up meeting the real girl of your dreams.

It worries me too, that you told her that you’d never leave her. That is not something anyone should promise to anyone except their spouse (and there’s always exceptions to that rule) your parents or your children. But the sticking around should be done out of mutual love and respect, not out of desperation. You are totally free to leave this girl, even if you told her you never would. Don’t set yourself up for that kind of dramatic and painful failure.

If, after you back off for awhile, she calls you up and tries to hook up with you. Tell her that you can really only do that unless she feels the same type of love you feel for her and even given that, you really couldn’t make it work for real unless you lived in the same city and dealt with her day after day after day ( with any zits, farting, bad hair days, obnoxious friends, judgemental relatives, yappy dogs, picky food habits, inappropriately sexy clothing around your friends, weepy drunk habits, ear picking) or any other things that you can’t really know whether you can put up with unless you experience it on a regular basis.

Also, if you guys stay in this long distance “relationship” even if she decides that you will be her new boyfriend, what on earth would stop her from developing a new super-sweet friendship with some other unsuspecting, but loving guy???

We think that you are too good for her. Just the fact that you wrote this long, engaging and very sweet description of your situation makes us think that you would be much better off with a woman who prefers a romantic writer type, such as yourself. Good luck to you and keep us updated : )

Pandora's avatar

I think that she has already shown her flaw. When I was single, I had guys who had crushes on me. Because I really cared for them, I broke of all contact till I felt they had enough time and distance to get over me. I would make it quite clear that I wasn’t interested and why.
Some remained friends with me after I made it clear and they moved on. The one’s that didn’t, I just moved away from all together. I thought it would be cruel and selfish to lead them on if I had absolutely no intention of ever being with them.
And I’m sure in her version of the story of her relationship, he is a scoundrel and she is an angel from heaven.
As @Neizvestnaya already mentioned. She sounds like a user. And if she really cared for her boyfriend like she says, she wouldn’t be playing emotional footsie with you.
I’m sure she has girlfiends she can talk too.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

It is always hard to love someone more than they love you. At some point, you will no longer be okay with this arrangement if you know your worth.

furion's avatar

It hurts so much reading these I’ve pretty much drenched my tee shirt in tears, I don’t even know how I’m still crying. I guess maybe I should just back away as much as it hurts even thinking about. I honestly don’t have enough love for myself that I think I’m worth someone better, she in my eyes is the best thing that’s ever happened to me even if she won’t leave her boyfriend for me being around her has made me so happy and has actually made me start living again. But alas its not kind enough to her or I to continue it this way and I think I see that even though I’m shaking my head denying it. I guess I honestly have to stand back and try to live my own life until shes ready to try anything with me. And I appreciate every answer so far and any more to come to better help me figure out what in the hell is going on, thank you so much!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@furion: Maybe what’s going on is you’re matured enough to understand deep feelings of compassion and love, you’re ready to be a giver but don’t quite have the right partner. This girl gives you a challenge to show what you’ve got, it’s kind of safe for you since you know she won’t reciprocate but you get the rush of being in a “kind of” relationship.

Pandora's avatar

@furion (Big Huggs from me) I’m glad to see you are trying to deal with it. My response may have been a bit cold but you need to see that you are worthy of so much more. You’ll be amazed at what can really happen when you stop hiding behind the impossible relationship.
A relationship that goes both ways is 100 times better than the one way relationship.
Wish you well.

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