Social Question

CMaz's avatar

Ladies - Are you or would you be comfortable with a relationship that put you in total dependency of your partner?

Asked by CMaz (26238points) November 4th, 2010

I recently talked to a friend that moved out of state (2+ years ago) to be closer to her (at the time) new boyfriend. Working for the same company he works for.
He works two week in Florida two weeks in Texas.
He ends up getting a promotion to president of the company that has required her (requested) to quit her job.
So not to be a conflict of interest. No unemployment or severance.
She also sold her car and accepted a car (new BMW) as a “gift” from her BF. It is not in her name.

So currently. She is out of work. It was a 70K a year job. Owning nothing but a few dollars in her bank account.
The only safety net is the man that “loves” her. Paying her rent also. She not living with him.

Also, she did not have to leave. It was a choice. Him or the Job. She chose him. Would you choose the man over the job?
Not talking about about a husband. We are talking about a boyfriend.

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20 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

My sister did it.

“So currently. She is out of work.” Pretty sure the outcome would be the same if she picked the job.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Ooh, it’s so terrible to admit this… but yes.

However, in our situation, I technically have the upperhand because the money is all in my name. It’s his, technically, but everything is in my name.
Would I do the same for a boyfriend? No. I do recognize that it is probably not the best choice to place all of our eggs in one basket, and that shit happens, but at this point my husband has given me no reason not to trust him. I’m not so stupid as to believe it could never happen to me, but I figure the way things are right now we sort of end up on an even keel in the long run.

Aethelwine's avatar

I did it when my husband and I first met. I gave up a chance to be an assistant manager of a clothing store, the highest paid position I would have had in my early 20s. I was 20. I had just found out I was pregnant, so that did play a large role in my decision, but at the time I had actually considered having an abortion. I hope my son isn’t reading this, yikes! I quit the job and decided to play Susie homemaker.

Jobs come and go. Was it stupid of me to quit this opportunity? Probably. Was I happy that I did it? You bet! I can’t imagine where I would be right now if I had made the decision to not be with Jon and end that precious life. Taking a chance for love doesn’t always work, we all know that, but life would be boring if we didn’t take a chance every now and then.

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CMaz's avatar

One more thing. ( if it matters) She is 47.

I can see @jonsblond point. Making this type decision at a young age.
We tend to be more flexible.

diavolobella's avatar

Under the specific circumstances you state above, I would not have done this. For one thing, if he wanted her to quit he should have given her severance pay or a two week notice so that she could find another job. Any other employee would have probably received that consideration, so in an effort to supposedly treat her without favoritism, he instead treated her more poorly than he would another employee. Also, let’s say she doesn’t find a new job immediately or chooses not to work and then the relationship goes sour. If he wanted to be a jerk, he could easily give her a bad reference, ruining her chance to find another job. If she is smart, she will get another job, pronto.

Also, if the car is a gift, it should have been put in her name. I find it odd that he has all of these lofty expectations of what she is supposed to sacrifice for him, and he pays her rent, but after 2+ years has not made any further commitment to her. At least none that you have mentioned. I would not want to be anyone’s “kept woman.” Anyone who puts you in the position of choosing your job or them – well, I’d have to question their motives, especially when they won’t give you the proper time or severance pay to allow you to find a new job. It sounds to me like he intentionally is cutting of all her means of supporting herself so that he can be in control of her.

Oh, and I’m also 47.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Every red flag I’ve got popped up at the details. I used to work in a battered women’s shelter, so I’m overly sensitive to things like this.
Short answer, at her age, no. Nopety nope. Noperooni. Noperino. Way too risky.

trailsillustrated's avatar

maybe. she needs to work on him to marry her. she will probably be ok if he’s paying her rent. He will probably marry her in the end. I am entirely financial dependent along with my child on my husband. If we were’nt married there would be times I might be worried. Sounds like she’ll be ok, at 47 she probably knows what she’s doing.

diavolobella's avatar

@trailsillustrated What if he decides to stop paying her rent? I would never give someone that sort of power over me who has made no commitment. Even with a commitment, I’d still prefer to continue working because you never know, but at least if you are married you have shared assets and rights to temporary spousal support, especially if you’ve given up your career at the behest of your spouse. Since there is no commitment, this guy has her in a position where he can pull the rug out from under her at his leisure and she’ll have no recourse.

I also don’t think it’s advisable to “work on” someone to get them to marry you. Besides, who would want to marry someone you have to persuade? If I were her, I’d take control of and responsibility for my own life. Continue the relationship by all means, if she wishes, but she needs to support herself.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@diavolobella yes of course she is taking a risk. She would be able to get another job. Sometimes these things pay off.

perg's avatar

@trailsillustrated Tried looking for a job lately? Especially if you haven’t been working for a while and don’t have a reliable reference from your last job…

trailsillustrated's avatar

@perg like I said, it’s a big risk. But sometimes these things do payoff. And no I am never going to look for a job.

diavolobella's avatar

@trailsillustrated Well, we aren’t talking about you here, we are talking about the person the OP is referring to. You are married which gives you a whole lot of legal options to force your husband to provide for you [at least temporarily] and your child if he chose to end your relationship. The person is question is not married. That’s the major difference. Apples and oranges.

Don’t forget too, that not only did he require her to quit her job without giving her any time to find another one, but he refused to give her any severance pay to tide her over until she found one. He also told her “It’s me or the job”, which is shady. The threat that he would leave her if she chose to keep her job is a pretty clear indicator of the shallowness of his love for her. Now he is in control of whether or not she gets a good reference too. You have to wonder why he found it necessary to put her in that position. Why tell her “it’s the job or me”? Why give her no notice or severance? Those are red flags to me. Why is he so insistent on leaving her no financial means other than what he gives her?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Hell no.But I do admire crazy-ass decisions ;)

trailsillustrated's avatar

@diavolobella yeah your’e right. We don’t know really what arrangement they might have. Let’s hope she does alright.

JilltheTooth's avatar

What if he dies and has left no provision in his will for her? What if he dies and has left provision for her but he has children who contest it? Even if she wins, those things take years to settle. I guess I just question her wisdom in taking such a big leap of faith at this point in her life.

KatawaGrey's avatar

Oh goodness, if I had to be dependent in all aspects of my life on my SO, I believe that relationship would end. Let’s just say the SO in question isn’t abusive and I gave up a job that wasn’t paying very well and we moved from a place I had few ties to. I would become unbearable to live with if I had nothing to do and all of my money was my SO’s money.

Trillian's avatar

Never again.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

What @JilltheTooth said. I award her with 100 GAs for that.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@papayalily ; Why, thank you, dear!

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