Married and my loyalty is wavering! Help!

Asked by squirbel (4297) November 10th, 2010 from iPhone

I have ALWAYS been a woman who only saw her man as a man, everyone else was just, well, there. I have always been loyal. That’s one of the descriptors used first about me by friends.

But my husband and I went through a rough patch, where he was going through doubts about himself – and shut me out. This went on for a month. I was starving for love and attention – and because I’m in a foreign place, with no family, and no college friends still in town (everyone graduated and migrated)... I was feeling the need to pour my heart out to someone.

There is one person from my college days still in town – a man who I dated (our intent was to get married) for 2.5 years. Our history goes back 7 years – since then I’ve forgiven him of his indiscretions. I called him up, and asked if I could pour my heart out to him.

Well, yesterday he came by (I told my husband he was coming by). When I saw him (7 years later, mind you) my heart tugged. At the moment and the moments before I saw him, I felt no emotions toward him. But as we sat and talked, and I reveled in the fact that he knew me and my quirks, and my personality, I started to weaken. I started thinking thoughts of how if my marriage failed, I would go to him. Apparently, by his word, he’s been beating himself for letting me “get away”.

I’m a good woman. I love being my husband’s helpmeet, caring for him, cooking good meals and being praised (he talks about his meals at work!), keeping the house and finances in order…

I’m ashamed that I’m wavering. This is the first time in my life I’m feeling these conflicting emotions. Tomorrow Mike (non-husband) and I are going to lunch – Rob (husband) already knows cos I’m loyal like that. Between my husband and I, we understand this outing to be good for me because I’ll be getting out of the house (rare, lol). But my heart is pitter-pattering – to me, tomorrow’s outing feels like it’s bad, bad – like a date.

Argh. I know I won’t cheat. I know I will probably tell my husband about my weakness – the best antidote to secret feelings is to bare them publicly. But is it wise to tell Mike tomorrow of my weakness?

Just a little background on Mike – he’s a very upstanding fellow, gentleman-like and proper; old fashioned. I’m old fashioned too. He and I are both very spiritual indivuals – when we were connected we had the holy trinity of relationships; spiritual, physical, and emotional. The first day we met, I received a strong impression saying “this is your husband.” I shared this with him, even though I thought it seemed stalkerish, weird, and weird… And it was received with a grain of salt. Before you ask, I am certain it was God that impressed me, because it occurred in a place in my brain where I rarely think my own thoughts.

ASIDE: I cannot see thoughts the way they are portrayed in movies and such. My brain is very location aware – different thoughts arise from different places, and I know them at the same time I think the thought. I’d appreciate meeting someone else like this.

When we dated, I tried not to think about that little thought, and strove to not let it weigh our relationship down. I laughed it off as if it were nothing.

Fast forward, and now Mike has lamented losing me. Yesterday I asked him, sheepishly, “hey – you remember that impression I got…?”

He immediately replied, “Yes, yes – and it burns me every time I think of it.”

My rational mind is telling me that I’m in a weak emotional state, and Mike is there, giving me the affections and appreciation I’m not getting from Rob.

But my emotional mind is willing to quit this marriage, and go to where I’m sure to be loved, appreciated, treated like a gentle lady…

ARGH. I’m not a cheater. But right now I’m cheating emotionally. I’m lying next to my husband, listening to Pandora, listening to songs from the time when Mike and I…

I’m sad…

Should I tell Mike what I’m going through because of how he weakens me? I need him because no one else is in town to talk to. I need him, for the emotional strength I get from him. But he, being a proper gentleman – regardless of his feelings – will suggest we limit our contact to phone only, or he might listen to his irrational man-side and continue toeing the line with me. It’s 50/50 with Mike.

I’m torn guys. Don’t forget I love my husband dearly – I’m just trying to deal with these new feelings.