General Question

shoebox's avatar

Would you classify this as cheating? and what would you do?

Asked by shoebox (517points) November 20th, 2010

If you were in a relationship with some one for a few months and later on you found out that a girl he dated a long time ago were sending emails to eachother how would you feel and would you classify it as “cheating” ?

The emails consisted of:

girl: I miss you… can’t stop thinking about you hehe

boy: yeah, me too I’m thinking about you

girl: I wanna hug you so much…. we should catch up

boy: I liked that, haha I’d hug you when I see you

girl: I miss you so much…. still have feelings for you

boy: I do too…. we should catch up some time

things like this go on for a while but if you found out what would you do and say to your partner?
They have stopped but would you get over it? Especially if this girl caused you so much stress and your partner got angry at you and pushed you which might of been the cause of your miscarriage…

Would everything else feel like a like when at the same time he told you he loved you and said sweet things to you.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

32 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

It we had only been together a short while, it would be the end of the relationship. I don’t see any reason to be with someone that is still pining over their ex. I suppose it could be seen as emotional cheating, but I really wouldn’t see it that way. I would just see it as knowing how he really felt.

If some time had passed since this had happened, it would depend on what he had to say about it and about his feelings about that person at this time.

But, when you add in the fact that he then pushed me, it would definitely be over. I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past and I refuse to ever be in another one again.

Aethelwine's avatar

I agree with @Seaofclouds. You deserve someone that will treat you right. So sorry.

BarnacleBill's avatar

A guy playing footsy with an ex-girlfriend via text message while he’s got a pregnant current girlfriend is a cad. A cad who shoves his girlfriend when he’s angry is an abuser; shoving her when she’s pregnant is dispicable.

Run, don’t walk, to the nearest door. Don’t look back. Go. Now.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m with @Seaofclouds. If this was going on between them after the two of you had agreed to be exclusive then yeah, that’s emotional deception at the very least. That he became angry at you (he was the sneak) and physically hurt you is serious bad news. It means he’s willing to let you come to harm in order to put himself first (again) and probably keeping trying to justify what he did behind your back as harmless. I’d ditch him and give a more resepctful and loving guy a chance to meet you who will never break your heart over stupid things.

wundayatta's avatar

We get a lot of questions here about cheating, and there are all different kinds of answers, too. I think that what happens is that people start looking at things with a very powerful microscope and they stop seeing the point of the relationship. It becomes all about who gets over on whom and who gives up more of themselves and who is taken advantage of.

What people need is a little maturity and a willingness to hold back from judgment, to gather more information, and, mainly, to talk. Yes. Talk. As in communication. With your bf.

What are you main concerns here? DO you think he’s playing you? Or are you afraid of putting emotional energy into the relationship and then having the rug pulled out from underneath you? Figure that out, first.

Then talk to him. If you can’t talk to him about this, then the relationship is headed nowhere. You can’t have a relationship if you can’t communicate. It takes a great deal of maturity and fearlessness to talk about things like this, but if you can’t do it, they he’s not the only one playing around.

There’s over emotional cheating, and there’s the subtle kind that most people can’t see because they don’t look at themselves, and they don’t acknowledge their own responsibility for what is happening. Instead, they play the blame game and think the problem is everyone but themselves.

Well, if you can’t discuss this with him because you can’t bring yourself to do it, then, if you want to have a decent relationship, ever, you have to learn to talk. If you can’t talk to him because you raise the issue and he won’t listen, or won’t respond, then that’s important information. Do you want to have a bf who won’t talk to you? I don’t know. Maybe he’s so hot and such a catch that you don’t care, but I think you probably want a guy you can talk to, especially when you are afraid.

You might think this is about cheating, but the fact that you felt you had to come to strangers on some website to get endorsement of your feelings is a much more serious problem. You may think the definition of cheating is the problem, but that problem pales in comparison to the issue of communication. If you can’t fix that, your relationship isn’t going anywhere whether or not he is cheating.

chyna's avatar

Pushing will lead to hitting. The exchange with the girl is minor compared to someone that pushed you so hard it may or may not have caused a miscarriage. I would not give this relationship anymore of your time.

shoebox's avatar

Thanks every one for the comments :)

We’ve been togethere for a lot longer now but I feel like that would never go away because I might of lost something very important to me… a miscarrage and that I guess wouldnt go so easily… he’s only emailed her, told me it was jst habit at the time but I wish he told her to ”**** off” or something atleast stand up for us…. or something… he was very sorry but I don’t feel like I’d let this go any time soon… there are days when I wont think about it but other days it means alot to me… and if I should of could of done something else then let this go because I still feel unsatisfied and hurt and walked over.

Winters's avatar

Possibly yes and possibly no

Allow me to explain, more than a year ago, I was that guy that was emailing back and forth with a girl who was in a relationship. She knew I had feelings for her, and I know that she had at least some remnant feelings for me. But a couple hugs and meals over which we caught up on is as far as it went, I wouldn’t say she cheated on her current boyfriend with that.

But in your situation I think the healthy thing to do whether or not he is cheating is to leave him, him abusing you is pathetic and shows how weak of an individual he is.

shoebox's avatar

@wundayatta thanks for the advice,

yes, we communicated all the time, we communicate alot but thats not the issue, the issue was the feeling of some one telling you every lovely thing there is and that they love you… then to find out they are emailing some one like the in secret is having the rug pulled from underneath me, and a possible miscarraige is more like ‘the cherry on top’ that had the final blow… because of that girl and it’s so hard to let that go…even if I love him with all my heart and soul, even if I want to have a life with him… I’m stuck because I want to forget about it or I want to beable to forgive him… he asked me all the time what can he do to help me let go.. and I always say I don’t know.

shoebox's avatar

I think the hardest thing for me is trusting him when he isn’t with me…. I don’t think it is healthy for him even for me to be making sure he is in some safety zone where I can keep an eye on him…. It’s not healthy at all :( but he says he doesnt care and stopped going out stopped doing lots of things just to make me happy… But…. it’s not healthy and I can’t leave him because I know he’s better than that…. even though he does make mistakes, i’ve seen the worst and best of him…

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@shoebox: What he can do is to lay a strong foundation for the two of you. He needs to be consistent over a period of time in order for your trust and feeling of security and safety around him to return. No amount of regret or sweet words will speed that up.

What sucks is you don’t know if he broke off talking to her because he realizes he was being disrespectful to your relationship or just because he got caught and shite hit the fan he doesn’t want to deal with. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him and he says the same then he needs to show you some serious follow through and transparancy- no cryptic phone calls, texts, computer habits, spontaneous errands across town, etc.

chyna's avatar

I think the trust has been broken and you will have a hard time ever believing him again. Only you can decide what you want to do. We can’t make that decision for you. None of us want to see you physically or mentally hurt again so must of us will suggest you get as far away from him as possible.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@shoebox Why do you want to stay with someone that has laid his hands on you? If you don’t trust him, things will continue to go downhill from here.

Coloma's avatar

Listen to the wise elders of this tribe,such as @BarnacleBill we know of which we speak.

Leave the cad, and sadly, some of the sweetest words come from the lips of Chameleons.

Sounds like this lizard changes color for every pretty flower he flirts with.

There is no excuse for abuse, a shove today, a slap tomorrow, a punch next month.

Honey, it’s not lookin’ good.

shoebox's avatar

@Neizvestnaya thanks for the reply!

Since then he’s given me access to all his emails, facebook…. his phone and spends almost every days with me and night… some times we have really good moments or a good week where we can let eachother go but sometimes it’s hard…

a girl at work started messaging him like that and called him while i was throwing up from drinking to much… but there was no issue about that jst what she was messageing days after I don’t know if he knew but out of know where she messaged him ” what are you doing tonight can I see you” ‘as a friend’ and he said he was with me and she said “I really wanted to see you tonight” and I think it was that message he deleted straight away so I think she said something out of line. I told him… “thats not something friends would be messaging and kind of out of line if she knows you have a girlfriend”

Seaofclouds's avatar

@shoebox It’s great that he deleted it, but did he ever tell her, “I have a girlfriend (or fiance from some of your previous questions), so no, you can never see me”? To me, just deleting them and not being more forward about not being interested is going to keep these types of things happening.

BarnacleBill's avatar

The fact that a girl that he works with even THINKS that it’s okay to text him and says that she wants to see him tonight is a pretty good sign that he’s playing you, and that when he’s away from you, he’s not putting out vibes that he’s committed to your relationship.

That’s where your instincts are picking up the vibes from; he’s not all the way in this relationship with you.

From what you wrote of that message, it sounds like she’s pretty familiar with seeing him at night.

Kardamom's avatar

Whether or not he is cheating is the least of your troubles. The fact that he pushed you should send you running as far and fast away from this guy as possible. This is probably not the first time this guy has ever hurt a woman and it likely won’t be the last time. Don’t EVER let it be you again. Don’t fall for his sweet talking either. That’s how abusers rope you in.

You should go to this site which is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You will be able to see some of the characteristics of an abuser and get help if you need it. It is totally confidential. The phone number for the hotline is 1 (800) 787–3224 (TTY).

Good luck and please take care of yourself now.

wundayatta's avatar

It’s good that you are talking about the specific incident. I assume you are telling him you don’t trust him, and that’s what he wants to do something about it.

Trust is very difficult to create. @Neizvestnaya is right about needing him to be consistent over a long period of time. You should benefit from further discussion too. Why did he do this? WHat is going on inside him that led to this? You need to understand it so you can decide if it is not going to flare up again.

I think it would help if you understood why you keep having your feelings—jealousy or whatever they are. Because that’s a script you are acting out that probably goes beyond his behavior to things that have happened to you in the past. Fear of loss is one culprit.

You are demanding too much, in my opinion, that you do not allow him any privacy at all. Many of us need privacy for our own thoughts and a chance to work things out. To make him feel guilty for receiving messages that he wasn’t interested in is not good, either. If you can’t trust him without that kind of oversight, you are never going to trust him. He will always feel like he has to prove something to you, and I think it won’t last. It’s too much pressure. Probably on both of you. Have you guys considered counseling?

marinelife's avatar

Yes, I would call it cheating.

If he shoved you that is abuse.

I would leave him.

lillycoyote's avatar

I agree with those that say that the issue with this other woman is probably the least of your worries. In the beginning of a relationship people are generally on their best behavior. It’s only been a few months and there have already been issues with this other woman, and more importantly he shoved you. That’s abusive and it’s only going to get worse. I really think you need to get out of this thing before it gets worse and before you waste too much time on this nonsense. Cheaters and abusers will say whatever they think you want them to say so none of that really matters, I don’t think. And counseling isn’t for people who have only been together a few months, that’s what a “few months” are for. To figure out what people are made of before you invest too much in them and they turn out to not be worth it or even possible dangerous.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It’s up to him to set boundaries with the women he comes in contact with. It’s not all on them if he throws up his hands and says, “I have a gf, I really love her”. No, he has to make it believable to them that he doesn’t welcome their flirtations beyond the innocent and out of respect if they don’t want to keep from trying to get with him that he needs to be firm… if he’s really serious about the two of you.

On-the-fence guys have a lamer than lame excuse of saying, “she likes me more than I like her, she’s always had a thing for me, I don’t ask her to say/do what she does…”. He needs to tell them they’re out of line or else it’s going to come off like he’s being restrained, nagged, pussywhipped, whatever. As long as he lets these girls hit him up then he is as much inviting them to continue. It’s a cheap thrill for him but in the longrun is harmful for your relationship.

deni's avatar

i think the only part of this we need to hear is ”your partner got angry at you and pushed you which might of been the cause of your miscarriage” what?! that isn’t right. that does not happen in healthy relationships. and to add to that, the awkward emails…i would end it promptly.

iamthemob's avatar

What @deni said. The first part could have been him just not knowing how to cut this girl off. The only part that really makes a difference is the fact that he pushed you down.

He might be able to get the help that he needs. But that is for him to deal with. Part of the lesson needs to be you leaving.

Coloma's avatar


I agree.

So many women waste years of their lives hoping someone will change, making a lot of noise but never taking action!

I like the saying….” When someone SHOWS you who they are, BELIEVE them!”

Abusers are very good at keeping their partners off balance, it’s part of their sick game.

Actions speak louder than words, period.

‘Listen’ to their actions!

iamthemob's avatar

”When someone SHOWS you who they are, BELIEVE them!”

I have a new mantra, @Coloma. Thanks. :-)

spykenij's avatar

Cheating is in the eye of the beholder. For me personally, I wouldn’t do anything to anyone behind their back, that I wouldn’t want them to do to me behind my back. So, if this messaging above bothers you, drop his ass. Red flags pop up in your gut and when you have one, you know it and you aren’t stupid. Exactly what you think is going on, IS going on. You deserve better, so ditch this dork and find someone more mature and someone who knows what they want. I don’t like the way you said your miscarriage could have been caused when he pushed you. Honey, I have been pushed too and eventually, it turned into get punched in the face and kicked in the ribs. I will not ever hit a woman, so I got outta there. Two major deal breakers for me in a relationship are 1 – you don’t ever hit me and 2 – you don’t ever cheat on me. Establish your deal breakers and remember love isn’t love until you give it away.

krista_ga22's avatar

I’d leave him. If he pushed you, especially when you were pregnant! If he’s hit you once, he WILL do it again! Girl, my husband first started by slapping me, then punching me and eventually choking me, slamming me against walls. He had his hands around my throat one day and asked my roommate “should he kill me now, or later?” Umm.. My stupid ass didn’t leave him then! I waited ‘til 3 weeks later when he ended up punching me in the face! Got a black eye and finally said that I had had enough! I kept telling myself through out the 3 years that we were together that he’d stop that he really loved me. And to find out that his dad did the same things to his mom. Get out while you can! If you need any help or advice you can pm me.. If I can help in any way then I will. And to answer your first question.. Yes, I do consider that cheating and I would have confronted my husband.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Julietxx3's avatar

If your boyf is sending things like this to another girl, you should really talk to him about it. because when they eventually “catch up” he will most likely end up cheating on you..

Cassidy2011's avatar

I honestly think it is cheating! Why would you want someone who had feelings for you anyway.If he starts hitting and pushing you now….he’ll probably do it again. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER!(:

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther