Have you ever looked at your significant other's internet history?

Looking at a person’s browsing history is kind of like looking into their thoughts. There are some things that you just shouldn’t know.

What matters is what they do. If you’re looking at this stuff, it’s a breach of his or her trust. Don’t. If he’s not giving you a reason to think he’s doing something wrong, don’t give him a reason not to trust you. Realizing the concern that it’s already causing you should indicate that it’s just not a healthy thing to do for your relationship.

If you are unhappy enough and untrusting enough of him that you feel like you need to check his internet history, there are already big problems.

I would not stay in a relationship where I felt like I had to constantly check on the person to make sure they weren’t betraying my trust.

No. Besides all it takes is a pop-up hijacking my hubby to another page…one that he may not have intended to go to.

He’s an adult and I trust him.

Tranquilsea – this was a deliberate search on google, not a pop-up.

I get that it’s not trusting of me to look. Wasn’t it as bad that he lied to me before?

You hadn’t mentioned the lie – what was it?

I don’t think it’s possible to be completely honest with your partner. Everyone lies all the time. It’s only whether the lie was important, intentional, and how frequently it happens.

In the end, though, two wrongs don’t make a right. His bad behavior doesn’t give you license to behave badly.

@LizzyBeth In this circumstance I would say that you should leave it alone. He’s with you and that’s what matters. Hitting him with statements like “you lied to me” will only cause a lot of drama.

So far as his preference for Asian women…I have a preference for dark haired guys. I married a blond guy because I can think beyond that preference to the total package.

I’ve never bothered until my most recent partner and only because of something odd he purposely showed me on his computer. I agree with others that if you’ve ever had a reason or a row over internet stuff then it’s pretty tough to suddenly change into an all-trusting person.

In your case I’d be uncomfortable. He could be googling the girls for the images to use in his “alone time” or it could be something else, go with your gut as to which you think it is in order to decide whether or not you ask him, “So honey, have you ever had thoughts of divorcing me, moving somewhere out of the country and starting your life over?”

Iamthemob, I mentioned the lie in my question. He claimed to have not looked at porn when I could see clearly that he had. (I was typing something in the browser address bar that started with “p” and porn hub popped up.) I tried to talk to him but he went to being defensive. If he had talked to me, he would have found out that I didn’t care unless he was using it as a complete substitute for our sex life. I think most men use it like an extra thing and I’m OK with that. And I’m not looking for a license for my bad behavior. I was just trying to explain why I looked. Not saying it was right.

tranquilsea – I don’t want any drama. It’s why I haven’t said anything to him about it. He would be mad for a good reason. I should trust him but I am struggling with that. And his preference for Asian girls only bugs me because I can’t be that way. He’s a smart guy, so I think he looks past physical stuff. Doesn’t make me feel good though.

Part of me thinks it was random, the other part of me is worried.

Hey, how are you guys doing that thing that makes people’s names come up in red?

@LizzyBeth: You two have been together for 9 yrs, in that time you’ve come to know not to be threatened by his attraction to asian girls or by the fact most men have “alone time” with their thoughts and images so if you’ve got a prickly feeling about this particular recent discovery then there’s probably a good reason your brain is making it stick. I hate to appear gloomy but as a person who’s rarely been wrong with my own gut feelings and made a mistake of ignoring it once before, I feel it’s best to err on the side of caution than to not rock the boat and end up on the poop end the stick if your husband is planning future shenanigans.

Iamthemob, I mentioned the lie in my question. He claimed to have not looked at porn when I could see clearly that he had.

You only mention that he lied about something else – it could be anything else.

But your description of the situation, about him getting defensive, doesn’t really sound like it has to be described as a lie (although you may be sugar-coating your description in order not to bad mouth him, even anonymously). You confronted him about his porn-watching habits. Of course that gets touchy – it’s embarrassing from a general cultural standpoint.

I’m not saying you’re looking for license to behave badly – but if you ask “Wasn’t it as bad that he lied to me before?” than you’re clearly trying to justify your behavior based on his. The problem is that if it’s wrong for him, it’s wrong for you. Now, I’ll say that it’s understandable that you looked at his browsing history, but again it’s because we do things that we know aren’t the best thing for us all the time…we let our suspicions get the better of us, etc. No one is a saint. So don’t think that I’m saying you’re “in the wrong” and that he’s “in the right.” But you can’t continue to do this, or use it to confront him about anything, unless you’re ready for some serious and valid trust-based repercussions on his side.

Pack up what you saw in a box and put it away in some hidden part of your brain as much as possible. Pursuing it will only put stress on your relationship – him exploring fantasies on the web is more likely a release than it is a “will to action.”

You don’t trust him and he appears not to be trustworthy. You have two choices: you either look past all of this and continue to not trust him and feel like shit, or you can confront the issue and try to work through the problem. There is really nothing else to say or do.

yes I have- didn’t see much- I was WAY more upset when it was done to me

ps my first husband liked asian girls. now , thirty years later, he is married to a burmese woman. just sayin

Do our spouses deserve to have private lives separate from us? Are they allowed to have private thoughts? Or do we expect them to share everything with us?

What does it mean to be suspicious of a spouse? If we are suspicious, what should we do? Do we ask? Do we believe them if they tell us we don’t need to be worried about anything? Do we search for hidden signs of suspicious activity? If we do, and they catch us, what damage will that do to the relationship? If we spy on them, and they are doing something wrong, then do we confront them, or just keep on watching?

Once suspicion gets into a relationship, it is very difficult to get rid of it. You’ve spied. You have now done something that hurts the relationship. He has maybe or maybe not looked at something that may or may not indicate he is not happy in the marriage. You are clearly insecure—threatened by his stated preference for Japanese girls.

Does he speak Japanese? Is he Japanese? Do you seriously think he would take a Job in Japan just to have a chance to taste some Asian pussy? Do you? I mean, a job??? A move???

Do you have any kids?

Obviously there is something coming between you that has nothing to do with your spying and his interests. Spying is a definite sign of mistrust. Looking a Japanese jobs and Japanese dating sites doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than fantasy. Is he entitled to a fantasy life? Is he entitled to masturbate? Do you believe that all fantasies lead to action?

I think there is some distance between you. I think you should address that issue, first. I think the spying is not helping you at all. You don’t trust your husband. That’s the first thing to address. Counseling makes that easier than doing it on your own. However, if he won’t go, you can go yourself and figure out a strategy. If you can’t go, you can ask people here.

Personally, I think you should ask him to sit down, and talk about your feelings, and about how you’ve b een feeling distant from him, and you wanted to talk to him to see if, together, you could come up with something to help you feel more connected.

He’ll probably, if he’s like a lot of men, look at you as if you’ve gone crazy. What is this “connection” you’re talking about? You have to then make it concrete. He is spending time on computer you’d like to spend with him. He’s at work too much and you get lonely. He stays up late, after you go to sleep. He doesn’t do things with you any more. No cuddling. No love making. Whatever it is.

If you can’t recover your trust, you’re going to be miserable, or you’re going to be pretending. Is that what you want? If you can’t get what you want from him, what are you prepared to do?

@wundayatta

a thousand GA;s —somethings wrong with my computer

I don’t care what my SO does on the internet and would never look to find out, If I found out she was snooping around on my computer she wouldn’d be my SO for very long after.
That’s one of the things on my unacceptable behaviour list

And as stated above, if you don’t think you can trust him you might want to rethink this relationship before you end up with his phone bill trying to match numbers

My partner and I don’t conceal anything online from each other though we don’t actively share anything either. I do sometimes use his computer. I’ve no inclination to snoop into his browsing history because I already know what would be in it:
1) Anything to do with his job, which is related to software development
2) Historical wargaming
3) World of Warcraft.
All of these would bore me silly (although I do enjoy the history part of the historical wargaming, just not the gaming part).

I did it once. I found something I didn’t like. I confronted him about it and we had a huge fight… After that, I decided it wasn’t worth it. I felt terribly guilty about invading his privacy, and I’ve never done it again, nor would I do it again.

If you distrust him enough to check up on him, it seems like there are other problems at play here.

Fantasy is completely normal for any person with an active imagination. I really don’t see any difference between a man looking online for things that fuel his fantasies and a woman reading a “bodice ripper” novel. The woman wouldn’t really think she’d run off with pirate Fabio, but it’s fun to imagine things that can’t actually happen.
Personally, I’m with @coffeenut on this issue. It’s spying and invasive behavior to look into your partner’s internet history. If a partner did that to me and made a huge hairy deal about it, it would make me more secretive and turn a non-starter issue into a relationship killer.

No, I trust my partner, if I didn’t I wouldn’t stay.

I check it around the holiday season..I love knowing what presents I’m going to get.

Sites on how to date Japanese women? I’d be super weirded out.

Yes, I have looked threw my significant others internet history in the past just because I was bored. It was about, porno’s, myspace, and pictures of girls. There is nothing to worry about with the stuff he had looked up because he could’ve just been mislead from all the websites which lead him there or he could’ve been looking for eye-candy so he ended up at that Japanese girl website. Everyone needs eye candy every now and then. In a relationship that’s been that long you can’t end up loosing trust.Just keep your trust and try not to think anything negative.

No, I have absolutely zero interest in that.

This is slightly different, but kind of amusing. My brother took me out to lunch a few weeks ago. He said I could pick the restaurant. I’m a vegetarian so I chose this nifty little Asian vegan place called The Loving Hut. They have really good soups and stirfries. My brother is pretty adventurous and he really enjoyed it. So when the credit card bill came and my sister in law saw the business name The Loving Hut, I think she had a little mini-heart attack and asked my brother what exactly was that all about! He started laughing and told her that it wasn’t some type of Asian hooker business that it was just a vegan restaurant. I think she was a little embarrassed, because my brother is a very upstanding, considerate husband.

To everyone – I’m sorry I didn’t make it back here sooner. Life intervened and I had some family stuff to handle. I have to thank everyone here for your answers and help. You have given me a lot to consider. I’m not going to try to answer everyone’s comments or I’m sure I would leave out somebody. But a couple of things:

Iamthemob: I’m sorry that I left out what the lie was. I simply forgot. I think packing up those thoughts and tucking them away may be a good answer for now. I just don’t know if I can.

Wundayatta: You have given me a lot to ponder. I doubt he would throw everything in and move of Japan, but if his frustration level with work,etc. grew to be unbearable, he might. It doesn’t seem likely, but who really knows. He doesn’t speak Japanese, but what he was looking at were jobs on teaching English as a foreign language in Japan. And then a google search about “How Japanese women think about dating foreign men,” which led to articles on “how to get dates with Japanese girls.” The combination of the job and “how to date” sites is what freaked me out, and the fact that he did them all at the same time. I tell you this only for clarification.

Once more, thank you to everyone who responded.