Will I always be afraid of men?

Welcome to Fluther.
Your feelings that you are experiencing are not unusual for young women who have been molested. Did you see a counselor when you are younger? You are going to need to see a counselor to work through your feelings and learn how to manage them. You may want to start by looking to see if there is a support group called Adults Molested as Children (AMAC). The more you are able to verbalize your feelings, the more control you will be able to get over them.

Welcome to Fluther.

We may not be able to resolve your romantic, trust and intimacy issues any better than you have, but by god or whatever we can certainly discuss the hell out of it them.

You did say that you’ve worked with a counselor, but obviously that hasn’t been successful, since you still have this tremendous aversion to intimacy, as well as your self-described feelings of shame and inadequacy. Without trying to pry too deeply into your counseling, or asking you to reveal things publicly that you may be unwilling or even unable to do (that is, the questions I’m asking here are ‘rhetorical, for you to answer to yourself if you want’—I’m not asking for myself), what happened during the counseling?

Obviously, you’re an intelligent young woman (your writing already has me envious of the guy—or gal, because who knows?—who finally wins you), so you’re certainly self-aware enough to realize that the counseling you had “didn’t work”. Have you followed that up with a different counselor who may be able to help you achieve the healing that you need? And have you explored the possibility that despite your Christian upbringing—and I’m going to try to avoid stereotyping here, but I’m guessing—which very likely trained you to shun homosexuality—is it possible that you’re really not into guys in the first place, and could that be part of the problem? Just throwing it out there—it’s worth looking at.

The reason I suggest that you should examine these things is that your counseling seems to have failed abysmally. Almost nothing works 100%, but effective counseling would have helped you to deal much better with the real issues you’ve described. And I don’t for a single second believe in “fate” or “meant to be” or “meant not to be”; your life is what you make it. If I had to guess then I’d guess that there’s either more to the incident that you’re aware of, or something else entirely, whether related to it or not, or even the possibility that you have another reason entirely for wanting and not-wanting to be with a male… and you need to find another, better counselor, or one who can help you find and deal with the real issues.

I think if you had truly spotted “the incident when I was molested as a child” and dealt with it completely, openly and with full realization of all of it, then you would have “handled” it—you could still have bad memories, because we all have those, but they wouldn’t control your life as you seem to feel that they do. There’s more there, and you need to find it. A good counselor should still be the way to do that.

Good luck. I hope you stick around here; I think you’ll be a tremendous asset to Fluther. And I promise not to hit on you. I’m so much older than you are that it would creep me out to try.

The fact that you can remember and verbalize the memories of being molested is a very good thing. You have a good idea where the problem began. Was it only one time? or did you have that babysitter for longer? Did you tell your parents about what happened? Did they believe you? All these things are a part of the experience that you need to work out with an experienced counselor so that you can get the anger and hurt that is inside you out of you. I believe that with some good counseling, you will be able to grieve fully and finally move on from this very disturbing experience. Don’t give up on the counseling, though. Sometimes it takes time to find the right person to work with.

No, you won’t always be afraid of men. Give yourself some more time.

Men are all bastards, the best ones are mild bastards. It sounds like to me you have an allergy to assholes and creeps, which is good. You are 19? Well that means you have a whole lot of time, to find a great guy or gal. Don’t worry, you’re handling this well. Wait until you do become infatuated. When you are afraid, try to remember that your alarm bells ring louder, and remember to breathe and relax (physically). Find men that you can trust, that aren’t a danger, and that aren’t going to be interested in you: and build friendships them. Really old and weak grandpa types or gay men or men in solid relationships, etc. etc.

You aren’t robbed or damaged or never going to find love, you are 19, this is still very young.

You can and will face your fear, and you will win out because you are stronger than your fear.

I’ll leave you with “The litany against fear”:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

p.s. You go girl, get out there and kick fear’s ass.

Does your church have any activities that are by nature co-ed, like doing volunteer work? If you get involved in such things, you can get to know some guys on a purely casual level, perhaps develop some friendships without the pressure of actually going out on a date. Instead of feeling that you have to take any sort of plunge, try to break this down into small steps.

First of all, very sorry about you having to go through this…. Secondly, welcome to Fluther. You have received some very thoughtful and good answers. I don’t think your problem can be resolved without some good counseling and therapy. Good luck and please keep us posted on what you decide to do.

I’m sorry this happened to you when you were five. I am sure you are right and this is why you feel uncomfortable with guys. Guys ask you out and that is good, some people don’t even get asked. My advice would be to take it easy, to treat guys as friends and be honest with them when you feel uncomfortable. You may meet someone with patience and understanding and love and I hope you do.

Oh my goodness, so sorry you’ve had to go through that, I have been through similar xx also…Welcome to Fluther xx

I think the one thing that I would say to you is that even without the abuse, you have every right to take as much time as you need to find the right man or woman that you are comfortable with. If you’re not attracted to someone you are not going to want even their arm around you and that’s completely understandable!

Having been abused it takes a long long time to heal those wounds and I would say that you are basically protecting yourself from this happening again, which again, is totally understandable. I would go and seek some other kind of counselling…finding the right counsellor for you is key to healing. They are not all the same and not all as good unfortunately and I think it’s also about connecting with someone that you feel comfortable enough to disclose these very intimate parts of yourself with x

But in direct answer to your question…No, you won’t always be afraid of men, one day you will feel in control and capable of having relationships with them, on your terms. but it takes time, a lot of time and the best thing you can do is be kind and love yourself in the meantime. You are a beautiful person that deserves respect and lots and lots of love xxx

I want you to understand that you are not alone. I’m also 19 and have never had a boyfriend because I have trust issues with men. I was molested at the age of 7 by my 17 year old cousin. It’s important for you to recognize that it was not your fault for what happened to you, and that you are not dirty or tainted. I understand that putting yourself in situations where there are males can be very nerve-racking and can take a lot out of you both mentally and physically. We have to believe that not all men are evil and out to harm us. I too sometimes feel like I will forever be alone, but I have to hope that there is someone out there who will love me for all of my insecurities. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who have been there through all of my breakdowns and have picked me up when I have hit bottom. Have you told any girlfriends close to you about your past? It sucks to be sexually attracted to men, but unable to act like a normal teenager. Thank you for posting your experience on this website. Everything that you have stated in your statement I have experienced. You are not abnormal, dirty, tainted, or unwanted. You have just been hurt in the worst possible way, but you are still beautiful and strong…..and NOBODY can take that away from you.