Social Question

Evelyn_475's avatar

Do you think is it going "overboard" to ask your partner to delete their facebook if they want to be in a serious relationship with you?

Asked by Evelyn_475 (792points) December 6th, 2010

Just curious what peoples thoughts are on this. Facebook has been in the news a lot lately in relation to failed marriages and what not. Of course everyone is well aware of the havoc that facebook and other social networking sites can have on relationships (due to the easiness of reconnecting with past lovers and old romances) and I have experienced social networking “drama” in my past relationships as well. So my question is this: If someone you have been dating pops the question and asks you to be their mate (we are talking serious relationships here), is it too much to ask them to refrain from social networking sites? Of course this would be a two way, mutual street. What are your thoughts?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

36 Answers

Blondesjon's avatar

It’s not going overboard.

It is entering into a serious commitment with unfounded trust issues.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I think it is.

If I trust my partner, then I trust her all the time, everywhere, in everything. And if I don’t trust her, then number one I don’t ask her to marry me, and number two I don’t expect that I’m smart enough to figure out every ‘control’ and ‘procedure’ that will keep her on the straight and narrow.

Blackberry's avatar

Yep, obviously.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Yes. It is going overboard – with lead weights. Unless you are chained at the hip you cannot stop the partner from visiting the sites. They will get it other places, either in the middle of the night, office, Dunkin’ Donuts.
If they are wasting too much time on it then that is a different story.

YoBob's avatar

Yep, in fact, it is bordering on the absurd.

I would venture to say that the majority of failed marriages are not due to social networking sites, but rather to clingy partners who are so insecure with their relationship that they consider any contact with others outside of their relationship to be a threat.

Relax, it is likely your partner had facebook prior to your relationship and in spite of that choose you.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Six GA to you @YoBob!

mrentropy's avatar

If someone said I had to get rid of my Facebook account, that would be the last time I ever talked to them. At the moment, FB, with all it’s problems and faults, is the best way for me to stay in contact with my family and far-flung friends.

marinelife's avatar

It is too much. Why are you in a serious relationship with someone you can’t trust on a social networking site?

My husband and I are both on Facebook and we are each other’s friends.

Telling someone not to be on social networking sites is not going to prevent their cheating. You have to trust that they won’t cheat. You have to tend to your relationship. Work at keeping it fresh and involving.

ucme's avatar

It’s so overboard, they’re head is buried in the seabed with a mouthful of seaweed for supper.

partyparty's avatar

Yes I do think it is going overboard.
Relationships are all about trust and if you don’t have that foundation, then you don’t have anything.
Sorry to be brutal, but that’s how I feel

Dutchess_III's avatar

Heh! I guess you got your answer!

rts486's avatar

Yes. If you feel you can’t trust them completely, you shouldn’t be in the relationship.

LuckyGuy's avatar

In New York State, Class E Sex Offenders are not permitted to use social network sites.
You are free to go overboard and jump into that dating pool.

Likeradar's avatar

It is insanely, disgustingly overboard. Why on earth would someone be in any sort of relationship with someone they can’t trust to such an extreme degree?!?
People should look for partners, not someone they can control. unless you’re both into that kind of thing.

Evelyn_475's avatar

Woah- I am not thinking about doing this I just heard a lot of stuff in the media lately about the issue and wanted public opinion…. I believe there was even a pastor or minister who told his congregation to refrain because it ends relationships! Crazy right? Thank you all for you thoughtful responses!

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Evelyn_475 Whew! You’re forgiven.
Although, there are a lot of lonely SOs looking for dates. Maybe that pastor can can match them up with his congregation. ~

BarnacleBill's avatar

It would not be too much to ask them to cancel their accounts with or The fastest growing segment of FB is 50+; it’s evolving towards an accepted general communication platform. It would not be too much to ask them to change their relationship status or to change their “looking for” to eliminate dating as an option. Anything else is a trust issue.

flutherother's avatar

It is too controlling. If this is how it begins where will it end?

Seaofclouds's avatar

I agree with everyone else, it’s too much to ask just like that. Now if there was a proven issue that came up later on, it may be different.

Bluefreedom's avatar

Yes, it’s going overboard. The words distrust and insecurity come to mind regarding this scenario. If those elements are involved, the relationship is already in trouble.

CaptainHarley's avatar

If your relationship can be disrupted by a Website, it was too weak to begin with. IMHO, you may as well not even HAVE a relationship that weak.

BoBo1946's avatar

@YoBob very good.

@CaptainHarley <spot on my friend>

Needs2no's avatar

I honestly see nothing wrong with having a Face Book page. It’s a great way to stay in touch with friends. And in my case also lower my phone bill! I love the fact I can just log on and talk to my family and friends.
Now saying that, I also think that every situation is different. I think the way a person acts on their profile should be the same as if their significant other was standing there in the room with them. Meaning whatever you wouldn’t think of as acceptable, then you yourself should also go by those same boundaries.
I also, this is just an opinion, think that each couple should be ‘friends’ on their profiles. Blocking one another and creating multiple accounts, that just seems shady.
But to have ONE person in the relationship to TELL the other they have to delete their account is, as said by several others, shows there are already problems. Yes, it shows distrust, insecurity, and weakness in a relationship but it could also be a form of control, manipulation, and a feeling of power to that person.
Hopefully, all this situation will take is communication. Maybe let that person see your messages, tell them about your friends, and if that doesn’t help then if you can end a relationship before kids, marriage, time, etc. I would do so.

anartist's avatar

@Evelyn_475 you mention “pop the question” which has traditionally meant marriage, a commitment that has legal aspects. Even in that case I would find it a sad statement on your relationship that you did not trust one another to feel no threat from FB cquaintances.

If you mean “I love you and want to live with you” that is a commitment, but not as total a commitment as a marriage vow, which however often it fails, includes the words “til death do us part”

—Without that what you really have is “I love you until I don’t” and that actually makes deleting FB accounts even more unreasonable because the only thing binding your relationship is the trust you have in each other. Don’t delete FB accounts for this reason. Let your FB friends widen the network of friendships you share together.

Evelyn_475's avatar

@anartist: GA!!!!!! Well said.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It’s going overboard because the problem isn’t with facebook, it’s with the users who don’t take responsibility for the emotional relationships they choose to enter into or encourage while they’re already in so-called committed relationships with others.

downtide's avatar

There are lots and lots of good reasons to not use facebook. This is probably the worst of them.

YARNLADY's avatar

I’m not even on Facebook and have no interest in it, but I have read that it puts a lot of temptation in people’s way. That said, if you can’t trust your partner, it makes for a rocky relationship.

I don’t even know if my husband has a facebook account, I’ve never asked him, and he’s never brought it up. I doubt if he does, but I don’t really care.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@Evelyn_475, I’m intrigued. The references to the divorce rate being affected is traceable to a survey conducted earlier this summer by the Philadelphia Fox news affiliate station of area attorneys. Has there been some new statistical evidence that has surfaced this month?

wundayatta's avatar

It seems ridiculous to me. If you can’t trust your partner, then why are you involved with them? Partnership is not about constraining each other; it’s about helping each other grow and bloom. Giving up your social network is neither advisable nor feasible nor wise.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@YARNLADY But how does Facebook put “more” temptation in the way than any other website, like here, or Wisdm, unless you went looking for it? There was a LOT of flirting going on in Wisdm, and I just avoided it all. I’ll bet there is some here, but it’s probably more in PM than out in the open like it was there…’s there, everywhere. If you go looking.

(Bet the pastor in question just wouldn’t be able to resist, so he’s preaching against it. But I bet he has a secret account!)

YARNLADY's avatar

@Dutchess_III A very good point, but Facebook has a lot more chances to find someone compatible, if the user is looking. For a stable relationship, I can’t see that it would matter.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@YARNLADY I agree with your last statement “For a stable relationship, I can’t see that it would matter.” That’s the whole point. But the “more chances” thing is irrelevent, because for a philanderer it doesn’t matter what site they’re on, or even if internet has been invented. I mean, Facebook may offer more “chances,” but the cheaters will spend the time looking for the chances, until they find them, on places where there aren’t as many. If there was no internet, they’d go looking in the grocery stores.

YARNLADY's avatar

@Dutchess_III In this we are in agreement. I have even heard of partners straying in the church they both belong to.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@yYARNLADY….I have.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther