General Question

shoebox's avatar

What are the reasons some one may feel constantly depressed in their relationship?

Asked by shoebox (517points) December 6th, 2010

what are the reasons or causes for feeling depressed, constantly on edge or hurt in a relationship? even if your partner tries to do everything they can to make you happy and safe.
Lately I’ve been feeling constantly on edge, worried, insecure, depressed and I have no idea why… I feel like I’m also not trusting him 100% ... He has done a couple of things to hurt me (such as my previous questions) but I love him and breaking up is no option… I’m just wondering am I not letting go or what can I do to not feel this way.

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19 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

Try to open up a dialogue with him so you can express how you feel. It sounds like there may be some unresolved issues..?

shoebox's avatar

@FutureMemory thanks for the advice but the thing is… we have talked about it so many times, and he’s done what he can and keeps asking me what he can do to make me feel safe and happy… I think maybe time will help me heal… but I have just constantly felt down and hurt and worried… I need to know if I’m the one who needs to let go or if it’ll just take time…

also the problem that i can’t get over is having a miscarriage while I found out he was emailing an ex… it wasn’t really bad, just some flirting but the stress gave me a miscarriage and he was so upset… It’s just that girl has become a really big mental block that i can’t escape.

lillycoyote's avatar

”... I think you have a broken cup.”

Go here, Rhapsoday and listen to Break in the Cup

It’s not available on youtube.

And I will warn you that it could be way too sappy and singer-songwritery for you because I don’t know what your musical tastes are but here are the lyrics:

Break in the Cup

I try so hard to please you
To be the love that fills you up
I try to pour on sweet affection,
But I think you got a broken cup.
Because you can’t believe I love you
I try to tell you that there is no doubt,
But as soon as I fill you with all I’ve got
That little break will let it run right out.

I cannot make you happy.
I’m learning love and money never do
But I can pour myself out ‘til I’m empty
Trying to be just who you’d want me to.
But I cannot make you happy
Even though our love is true
For there’s a break in the cup that holds love
Inside of you.

Now I begin to understand you
As you explain this fear you feel.
It’s when you see me fall into that sorrow
it makes you doubt the love is real.
‘Cause the lonely wind still blows through me
I turn away so can’t see
But now how could I still be so empty
With all the love that you pour on me.

I guess you cannot make me happy
That’s a money back guarantee.
But you can pour yourself out ‘til you’re empty
Trying to be just who I’d want you to be.
You cannot make me happy
It’s just the law of gravity
And that break in the cup that holds love,
Inside of me.

So if you’re tempted to rescue me
Drowning in this quicksand up to my neck
Before you grab my hand to save me
Why don’t you ask me if I’m finished yet.
Because you cannot make me happy
Not when I’m empty inside of me
But you can pull yourself right in here with me
My misery’d love to have your company.

We cannot trade empty for empty
We must go to the waterfall
For there’s a break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love,
Inside us all. Inside us all.

I don’t usually post songs and lyrics in response to personal problems but unless there is something you’re not telling us or your boyfriend is a total jerk, the problem is with you and you need to fix the “hole in the cup that holds love inside of you” because if you don’t you will there will never be anyone who can possibly love you enough to make you happy. You have to do that for yourself.

Anyway, it’s late, I should have been in bed a couple of hours ago and that’s the best answer I’ve got. Lack of sleep sometimes makes me sappy.

shoebox's avatar

@lillycoyote um… thank you for the most sweetest comment I have gotten… I love the lyrics by the way <3
what you say makes alot of sense to me…. thank you so much!

mrlaconic's avatar

For me (as a man) all of those things are tied to trust. If I were to have been hurt by you (reversing your situation) I think I would not be able to heal until you physically did something to prove your love for me. Actions speak louder then words… the communication with the ex sounds like it struck a major blow.. perhaps you need something physically done that speaks louder then that.

nebule's avatar

It sounds to me like he has hurt you and what you really need is some time alone to heal?

BarnacleBill's avatar

I have to agree with @nebule; whatever damage he has done to the relationship is more than contriteness can correct for you. Another person cannot make you happy or secure in a relationship; you are responsible for your own happiness. The fact that you are not happy or secure in the relationship needs to come for sustained behavior change from your SO, not “I did this, are you happy now? I did this, do you trust me now?”

It sounds like you’re wrestling with, “Can I settle for the terms of this relationship? Is it enough for me to commit to this being okay for me?” Only time and introspection can answer those questions.

Cruiser's avatar

Hmmm….you are engaged, you had a miscarriage that your fiance may be to blame for, he has made obviously suspicious emails to an old flame, oh and you are engaged to this guy and his parents are giving you guys crap over this engagement?? I feel bad that you somehow see no way out of this relationship that IMO is pretty messed up! Apparently love is blind and deaf and dumb! Do some soul searching outside of all that is going on in your life and never settle for situations where you “think” it will get better…this place here is full of people who can tell you it won’t. I’m depressed now reading about all that you are going through!

marinelife's avatar

You really probably need therapy to work through your issues.

If you are sure that he is trying to make amends and is no longer seeking for romance outside the relationship, then you need to start trusting him.

I am concerned about the miscarriage. You are blaming him for it. That doesn’t sound like a good way to move forward. Did your doctor tell you that was the cause?

I like the song that lilycoyote posted. If you do too, then recognize that you are the broken cup. Until you fix the hole in your self-esteem (usually fixed with self love), then you will continue to struggle with trusting your boyfriend and accepting the love he has to offer.

shoebox's avatar

@marinelife I’m not blaming him for the miscarriage, he keeps telling me to blame him not the girl, but I keep blaming the girl…. it was stress related…

marinelife's avatar

@shoebox It was not the girl’s fault either. It was not your fiance’s fault. It just happened. You might as well blame yourself for feeling so stressed out.

To be someone’s “fault” they would have had to have intent to cause a miscarriage. There are many reasons for miscarriages. They are very common with first pregnancies.

Cruiser's avatar

Hey @shoebox!! Time to face reality here!!! Your words….
“Especially if this girl caused you so much stress and your partner got angry at you and pushed you which might of been the cause of your miscarriage…”

Either you are bullshitting us or yourself either way time to figure it out for yourself!

wundayatta's avatar

Well, jeez. A miscarriage? And you wonder about why someone would be depressed? Oh, and you think your fiance’s dalliance with his ex is serious, but that’s not something to contribute to depression?

Whether or not his dalliance is something to worry about, it worries you. And so there are a couple of huge reasons to be depressed. And once you are depressed, you start seeing everything in the worst possible light.

I think it’s time to get to a psychiatrist and to get diagnosed and get better. If you can deal with the depression, the other things won’t feel so overwhelming, and you’ll be able to cope better. It might be a situational depression, but that can kick off a more serious depression. You may be in far deeper than you think. If you don’t deal with it, it will go on for a long time and possibly get worse. Please see a shrink.

Seaofclouds's avatar

You need to be happy yourself first. It sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to help move beyond the issues you’ve had in your relationship and the miscarriage. Everything you’ve posted about your fiance has been bad. I’ve never seen you say one good thing about him and your relationship. Now, perhaps it’s because you only post when there is a problem and you need help, but needed this much help is a huge red flag to me. But, since you are against ending the relationship, counseling may help. I’d say individual first so you can work on your problems first (the depression, trust issues, etc) and then maybe couples counseling before you get married.

Kardamom's avatar

The first part of your problem is saying to yourself and to us, “breaking up is no option.” That is just completely false thinking on your part. You are not a slave, he is not holding you captive in a cave, you haven’t been kidnapped and taken away to an undisclosed location. You are not his property. You are not beholden to him in anyway. If you are simply afraid to leave, then you need to contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline here. You can call them toll free, and anonymously at 1 800–799-SAFE It’s not a mystery why you feel depressed and anxious, it’s because you know you need to leave this abusive person, and you are afraid.

It sounds like you have some major trust problems with this guy. He seems to have done some legitimate things to make you not trust him. This is one of the major reasons that people do leave and break up. If you don’t have trust, then really, you have nothing. It doesn’t matter how much he sweet talks you or tells you that he will do anything to make you trust him. Some kinds of trust-breaking cause irreparable damage. It is not up to you to change yourself to make yourself trust him, that would be insane. You CAN’T trust him, because he is not trustworthy. If you try to pretend that you trust him, it will come to bite you again and again.

Don’t just tell us that you “love him” and that’s why you can’t leave. Please, give us all a break! Everyone of us has felt “so in love” at one time or another that we thought we would never ever feel differently. You are not that unique. What is unique about your situation is that you have a “man’ in your life that has been especially cruel to you and has already abused you physically. You need to wake up to that fact. It doesn’t matter how much you love anybody, when they abuse you, it’s time to go.

Of course you are depressed, that’s because you have chosen to stay with a bad person who had done you physical harm. Until you realize that and until you actively choose to leave him, then you will just have more problems and we will just keep giving you the same advice over and over again. It was time to leave, the first time he pushed you. It’s time to leave now. Tomorrow it’s time to leave, yesterday it was time to leave. You have to get it into your head that it’s time to leave. The depression, the pain, the anxiety is all caused by the fact that you need to leave and get some serious therapy.

None of us is saying that it will be fun, or enjoyable for you to leave and do the right thing, but if you don’t leave and get yourself some helpful, reliable therapy, then you are in for a lifetime of this crap. Please call the domestic abuse hotline. The number, again, is 1–800-799–7233 (SAFE). There is help out there. Take it.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Hon, you need to remember that feelings are just as real as that computer on which you’re typing this. They are also YOURS, no one else’s. No one can make you feel any particular way without your active consent and assistance. YOU own your feelings, they are YOURS. You can make them smaller or bigger. You can make them go away or come to you. No one and nothing else can make your feelings do that… only you.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Love doesn’t cancel out hurts or slights, it makes them more bearable is all. If you have reasons to have become insecure or not trusting then you can’t just expect yourself to forgive and pretend they never happened so you can “start over” all starry eyed and full of optimisim and trust. Give yourself time to let the sting wear off and tell yourself you deserve as long as it takes.

Also, your partner needs to show consistency and trustworthiness over time in order for your trust to even go back to where it was before it can grow further. If he gets annoyed with you then that’s tough shite, he should’ve thought out the worst case scenarios to his actions to begin with.

The_Invisible_Man's avatar

Maybe there’s just not enough affection? Or perhaps not enough time together.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Some people think eating side by side with each other in front of a TV and then going to sleep in the same bed means everything is fine and they are “together”. To me this is a bad habit filled with a lot of laziness and taking for granted, it’s not affection, it’s not time together when one feels speaking aloud will interrupt a show or video game session; that’s disconnect and what drives people to look to other outlets to feel human connection and compassion.

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