How much sacrifice is too much in a relationship?

Any time one partner feels used the partnership is in trouble. Sharing may not be equal in every way, but each partner should feel it comes out even.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as “sacrificing too much” for your life partner. I would give my life for my wife, literally. Fortunately, she feels the same way toward me. This is something we have talked about extensively.

Agreed with @YARNLADY. If you do end up marrying this woman, you end up resenting her. I’d reconsider, which is easier to do now, than after you’ve tied the knot. You might also want to re-examine your commitment to each other, and explore all issues with boundaries. There are many books on boundaries out there. One is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. You will also do your partner a disservice if you marry without explaining how you feel now. Try also doing a search regarding boundaries in relationships, or 1000 questions to ask before you marry.

Does she make unreasonable demands about other stuff, or is it unique to this situation? Can you talk to her about why this particular friend bothers her so much, and maybe get her to come around? Is it possible there’s something to her discomfort?

Were you and “Little Sister” caught sending each other randy text messages or leaving each other overly flirtatious posts on facebook? Did you and “Little Sister” take for granted that you guys were just messing around as usual with no real intent behind it all? It’s a typical bs scenario that lots of people try to play dumb about, except for the SO’s who find out and end up all butt hurt.

If you’ve done nothing of the sort then I suppose your fiancee is apprehensive about “Little Sister” for absolutely no good reason? Nope, I’ve never been asked to put any of my friends aside for a SO, none of my friends have ever acted in any way to warrant it either. Does your fiancee think “Little Sister” is a bad influence in other ways, like being a drug hookup or shit-face-outing party buddy?

People’s gut feelings usually aren’t wrong unless they are mentally paranoid by nature and I’m sure you know your fiancee’s nature by now?

Why did you propose? Is it possible that you did so for the wrong reasons? Are you engaged to someone else’s idea of the perfect girl, like your parents or your friends? Or was this a long term relationship that hit the point of getting married or breaking up?

At the end of my novel I forgot to add the good news and that’s if your “Little Sister” is such a good friend and your fiancee is really a paranoid-for-no-good-reason type then “Little Sister” will have seen that right and understood.

When you’re bbf with someone then you know you will give up the Shotgun Seat sometimes to someone you don’t entirely dig, think worthy of your bff or think of as your equal. You don’t have to because it isn’t about you. This I’ve done a few times when my bff has gotten extreme types of partners who have felt threatened by my friendship with him. I respect my bff enough to let him do what he feels is best for him, go where his heart wants. Maybe “Little Sister” is letting you go and do your own thing now too.

@BarnacleBill Excellent followup questions… and honestly where I am… This question is a piece of the big picture… I am genuinely interested in hearing of other people’s experiences and opinions on the overall question of “too much sacrifice”, but I also feel compelled to share more of my situation in response to your questions.

In a nutshell, I had a single realization that developed into a cascade of related realizations. It’s hard to say what realization was first, and this is all still very “fresh” so I’m sorting through real feelings and the inevitable “panic-driven” thoughts. But what I did discover is that I have spent some time telling her what she wants to hear to avoid conflict where dramatic conflict has occurred before. That was a mistake (one I’ve made before and swore to never make again), and one I take full responsibility for.

The fact of the matter is, my friendships are something I have (had) learned to value greatly. If someone has impacted my life in a positive way, and is “worth” my friendship I believe in being there for them—even if we haven’t talked in years (hey, life happens!). It is important to note that this even extends to some which I may have dated; these really are cases of people I dated for a while and had no real issues, but also had no future with in terms of romantic involvement. And the truth of the matter, at her request, I have cut ALL ties with those she is not comfortable with (specifically any that I had ANY sort of “history” with… including “kissed once, years ago”).

There are some which are directly integrated with my life which I have lied about to avoid having those friendships suffer the same fate. This is that for which I am most remorseful.

I may have gone a little off topic here, but in the end I have come to realize that I have compromised (at least one instance of) something which was previously fundamental to my character—an open door policy with my established friends.

I proposed because I love her… and I sincerely do… She is my best friend in many ways. My true dilemma is whether or not I will need to sacrifice too much of my previously established identity to make it work.

To answer your first question, I think I have compromised on some significant topics which I previously held dear; the most tragic is the abandonment of a close friend is too much sacrifice, personally. But I’m young enough to not have had a significant relationship with anyone, so maybe that’s where my unwillingness is coming from, never experiencing the want to do so? I don’t know. But I, as I am right now, wouldn’t want to do so.

But when you say I proposed because I love her… and I sincerely do… She is my best friend in many ways then my feelings change. That part sounds more than right to me. And really sweet : ) I’m truly happy for you.

Since she’s your best friend and the love of your life, I think that she would accept you talking to her honestly about your reservations. Remind her of how much she means to you, and that you’re willing to sacrifice so much for her, but are scared because of this you’ll wind up sacrificing too much, and wind up losing parts of yourself [the person she loves] along the way.

Me, personally, again: it bothers me a bit that she’s feeling it necessary to ask you to not see people you care about. Regardless of the history you have with them, she should know that you love her and are marrying her. It sounds like, to me, there may be some sort of trust/insecurity issue? I don’t know, but that’s where my mind goes when I hear of that sort of behavior.

@DancingMind I find it interesting that you relate your answer to your lack of experience and youth. It makes me wonder how much of these “scenarios” are born out of the cynicism we develop as we experience ‘failed” relationships. At what point do we decide that “Yes Dear” is just plain easier than the conflict that could arise from true expression?

Perhaps your viewpoint has more clarity than most because you have not yet developed the cynicism which can cloud the viewpoint of those who have yet to figure out how to clean it from their windshields.

Boy, I think I asked a question like this some time ago. It was about what people though of a significant other wanting to force their partner to choose between them and the friend. I can’t remember what people said, but I think most people said that it was wrong of the partner to force their partner to give up a friend.

I’ve been in a situation like that. When I was acting out during my first episodes of bipolar disorder, I had a short affair with a woman who later became my best friend. I had confessed to my wife about her, and when I started getting suicidally depressed, my wife suggested I call this woman. The woman had depression, and so my wife figured my friend could understand me, where she couldn’t. As I’ve said before, I’m very lucky that my wife is so understanding.

Along with my wife and a close friend and various medical professionals, my friend saved my life. Her save was the most dramatic because it came the night I was closest to dying. She was able to talk me out of it. Actually, we both talked each other out of it, because she was that depressed, too. She’s a wonderful person. She taught me to put my family first (I had done that before, but lost it for a while).

After I got better, though, my wife asked me to stop talking to my friend. There was no way I could say no to that. I understood why my wife asked me to do that, and it was a reasonable request. Very reasonable. Most women would have never invited the woman their husband cheated on them with at all. My wife understood what I needed and allowed it, but as soon as she didn’t think I needed it any more, she asked me to give it up.

I was mentally ill when I had a number of affairs—all of them virtual, except this one. I found out later that I was using these women like a drug—to try to get high. Falling in love is such a high. Unbelievable. I was very depressed and I wasn’t really thinking about it. I was just doing whatever I could think of (not very creative thinking) to make myself feel better.

It turns out, I’m a love addict, too. I use romance to make me feel better. I turn to romance instantly in order to get that high. Whenever I feel badly about myself, I am in danger. I’ve been working hard to find a way to fix myself, instead of relying on other women’s love to make me feel better. I am the only one who can fix myself, and I have to say I’ve a long way to go to be able to do that one.

I’ve learned a lot the hard way. The stupid way. The irresponsible way. But I’m so fucking stupid that I still haven’t gotten very far and I am still in danger. There’s a lot of hurt inside. A lot of years of being told I’m no good. A lot of years of not believing in myself. A lot of years of being a failure. Hell. I’m still a failure. Probably will be one all my life. But that’s no excuse. It would be nice if I could find healthier ways to deal with my problems. Right now, it’s a major struggle to be healthy.

Intimacy is crucial to our happiness, I believe. It is almost impossible to have true intimacy when you have secrets. You are always dancing and juking and trying not to have your secret get out. It’s a strain. Stress. Sex lead to my wife saying my friend had to go. I am still learning healthier ways to try to deal with that urge, and I still have a long way to go.

You’ve got to be honest with your fiance. You have to talk openly about what this sacrifice is and what it means to you. Every time I offer a bit of relationships advice, it always seems to come down to clear and honest communication. Once you can talk openly, you have to work together to find a solution you can both work with. It does no good to be afraid to talk. That’s what I did with my wife and it nearly cost me my family. Honesty and openness really are the best policies. Of course, they can be devilishly difficult to do, especially for some of us.

There are a lot of very moral people here. They are quite clear in their rules. That’s just one more area where I’m not doing very well. It seems much more difficult for me to do the right thing than for others. Maybe things are just more complicated in my head. Maybe I’m just stupid in this particular area. You have my sympathy. It’s hard to deal with these kinds of things. Good luck.

It becomes too much when it becomes unbalanced OR you are asked to give up something that you are not willing to sacrifice. I’ce been in both of these situations before and came to realize that my happiness was being affected and I was not receiving the same equal five and take from my partner.

It sounds like jealously on her part, and that’s something she us to deal with, not you. And her asking you to not he friends with be is not the way to deal with it. Does she have reason to be jealous, and I don’t necessarily mean in this specific case. I mean in totality of the relationship – have or are there trust issues?

@pensiveThoughts, perhaps couples counseling is in order, because this is a serious issue to work through before you get married, and before you end the relationship. Perhaps your fiance is acting out a script about what a couple is to be like that’s been handed to her by her parents. Or perhaps she has some insecurities. Or a different value of relationships than you do. What she needs to realize is that by changing you, she is altering the person she fell in love with.

There are some which are directly integrated with my life which I have lied about to avoid having those friendships suffer the same fate. This is that for which I am most remorseful.
This statement alone is enough reason to work through this now. To feel like you have to lie is not a healthy thing in a relationship; neither is feeling like you are being painted into a corner.

An arbitrated discussion about things like this can be helpful to avoid disaster. This is an incompatibility issue that needs to be resolved. “Yes, Dear” is a useful phrase in a relationship, but only for things that don’t really matter in the long run, like where you’re going for dinner, or “wear the plaid shirt and not the Rolling Stones t-shirt” or that you’re painting the bathroom blue.

I agree with @BarnacleBill in that you’re not doing either of you any favors with the “Yes dear” stuff. In most things you can fake it til you make it but not a relationship and if your fiancee has any doubts or insecurities that not with her for what she feels are the best reasons then that’s serious stuff to work on/out before entering into marriage.

Like I said before, most people aren’t insecure when they fall in love, that’s the time they have the most hope, optimism and are willing to believe the best about you and give the most benefit of the doubt. If your fiancee is insecure, jealous or paranoid now then I’d be looking into why that came to be.

My first husband and I met and fell in love rather quickly. I was so fascinated with the idea of this beautiful creature loving me, that I overlooked KEY red flags in order to be with him. This romance felt amazing and I was blinded by that feeling.

We got married after only a few months, convinced that we were invincible. I wanted to show him off to the world. After meeting a few of my female friends and knowing that I am bisexual, he began to ask me to stop being friends with them. One friend I had been involved with, so that was somewhat understandable; and the other friend was like a sister to me, oh and there was also a platonic male friend I was unable to communicate with. At first, I was willing to do anything to make him happy (my need for approval) and I gave up any friend he was threatened by, questionable or not.

He started to show signs of real insecurity after our marriage. If we were driving and I turned my head to look at someone on the street, he assumed I was checking the person out. It got to the extreme where if we were watching a movie or show and there was an attractive person, he would question my feelings towards that person. __Do you think he/she is hot?__ etc. I began to be afraid of my own thoughts around him, I was so sure he could read what I was thinking.

When these issues were happening, who did I have to talk to? No one. I had alienated all my friends. So I began internalizing the conflict and it turned into anger in my dealings with him. You see, an outlet is needed in any relationship. One person cannot possibly fulfill ALL your needs in the areas of love AND friendship. It is nearly impossible to place that expectation on another.

And even though I was “obeying” all of his rules, he still doubted me. He began to accuse me of cheating – which was impossible because I was never allowed to be without him!

All this accumulated inside of me and eventually caused me to lash out at him and consequently ended the relationship. In hindsight, I should have listened and paid attention to those red flags in the first place. They were just an indicator of what was to come.

This may be an extreme example, but the key is: your partner has to love you and trust the people in your life. It is understandable to request a certain friend to no longer be a part of your life IF THAT FRIEND is influencing you in a negative way.

I believe the healthiest relationships have success because the partners understand that you need to be able to talk to someone outside of the relationship about all the good things, as well as discuss some of the arguments. It is simply unrealistic to tell your partner, __oh you’re not going to discuss this with so-and-so, are you?__ or to impose rules on healthy friendships in your life.

I was lucky that my “cast off” friends welcomed me back with open arms, and were there to support me through my divorce. It’s a shame I didn’t value them enough to stand up for our friendships before that. And guess what – 11 years later – those friends are still in my life.

IMO no one should have to give up good friends for anyone especially a spouse or future spouse. If they cannot be secure in their commitment to the marriage there is something amiss. Either they are so insecure that you will always have an issue of trust between you two or you have given them just cause to want that “friend” off limits.

It would help me better understand your dilemma here @pensiveThoughts if you could better characterize your “partner’s judgment of the friend”. What is their judgment that has caused you to avoid this “attractive little sister” friend of your? Is it just jealousy, insecurity or some other possible good reason?

If you’re in love… there is no sacrifice too large imo.

Body parts and hunks of your soul is taking it a bit too far. :)