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Likeradar's avatar

What advice would you give a 30+ year old female virgin?

Asked by Likeradar (19580points) December 8th, 2010

I have a friend who’s a virgin. She is kind, fairly attractive (a bit overweight), college educated, interesting, etc. Her situation is similar to that of Steve Carell in “The 40-Year-Old Virgin”... it just kind of never happened. Now that she’s in her 30s, she kind of feels like it’s too late and has build up sex in her mind as this big huge thing, and she’s worried that a guy will be turned off by her virginity at her age.

This wouldn’t have been a question I’d generally ask on Fluther, except I saw a recent question where someone was advised to just hire a prostitute and get it over with. I’ve told my friend to just get drunk and have a one night stand, but many people seem to think that’s a terrible suggestion and would cheapen the experience.
So, what would you tell her? Would it be different if she were a he?

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32 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Well, you could step up as her friend and offer to initiate her.

Likeradar's avatar

@marinelife I’m a straight female, as is she.

kenmc's avatar

Give her my number.~

Is she comfortable being a virgin? Why not just find her a nice guy to date. I’m sure he’ll eventually want sex, and since it’d be in a relationship setting, it probably wouldn’t cheapen the experience. And if a guy is turned off by the fact that she’s a virgin, that’s probably his loss.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

If she’s really panicked, get a prostitute. First times are usually crap and generally cheap anyway – that doesn’t mean it always will be.
If she can get boyfriends, just make sure she lets them know that even though she hasn’t had sex yet, that doesn’t mean she isn’t interested in it happening now.

Likeradar's avatar

@kenmc She’s love to “lose it,” and isn’t thrilled about her situation. I’d love to set her up, but I don’t live anywhere near her. I completely agree with you about it being the guy’s loss!

For you men out there- would you be freaked/turned off if a woman of that age told you she was a virgin?

kenmc's avatar

@Likeradar As a guy, I wouldn’t really be turned off by it, but it’d be a curious surprise.

marinelife's avatar

@Likeradar That does not preclude sex.

But I see the issues. Does she have any good male friends who would be willing?

First, tell her that losing your virginity is not the big deal that it is made out to be in literature and the arts.

Next, tell her that the first time is usually not the best time.

Tell her to consider doing it with the next guy she dates that she likes.

flutherother's avatar

Whether she loses her virginity or keeps her virginity doesn’t matter. It isn’t really such a big deal, it doesn’t really change who you are. A woman can lose her virginity as easily as snapping her fingers.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

This is coming from personal experience, and please feel free to share it with your friend if you feel it might be helpful. The high school girlfriends’ stories of their first time with their boyfriends scared the daylights out of me, so I waited until I found someone that I cared about. It was worth the wait.

TexasDude's avatar

Like others have said, virginity is a goofy construct that does nothing but fuck with people’s heads.

That said, she needs to be comfortable for her own psychological good, so hiring a male prostitute to nail her would probably be a terrible idea, in actuality. If she is really in need of losing it, have her join a dating site. A large chunk of relationships start online now, and she might wind up getting lucky in more ways than one.

But anyway, comfort is key. The context of an actual relationship would probably definitely help her, especially with a guy that genuinely cared about her. You can’t just have some random dude draw his dick like a sword and expect her to know what to do with it or expect her to not be traumatized.

For the record, I had some serious sexual issues for years and thought I was going to wind up being a 40 year old virgin. I went the online route, found a smokin’ girl who I dated who cared about me and knew what she was doing, and now I love sex. Problem solved. Issues gone. If you do it right, the same may be said of your friend.

klutzaroo's avatar

Losing your virginity is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. Most people remember their first time, but what you do your first time doesn’t determine what you can do with the rest of your (sex) life.

She does need to have the experience, since she has made it a big deal, with someone who cares about her comfort and and enjoyment. If there’s someone she trusts and would like to have the experience with (of course, he should be someone who’s available and who wouldn’t incur an undue burden by doing it), she should simply ask. If she can’t do that, she should look for a relationship. If she can’t do that, she needs to get online and have a friend (like yourself) help her “boy shop” as I’m doing right now.

Under no circumstances should she do this drunk with someone who she doesn’t know and who might not be as gentle, or understanding, as she deserves.

tinyfaery's avatar

Do it already. Whether it’s good, bad or neutral it will be done. Then she can get on with her life and not have to focus on it so much.

HungryGuy's avatar

Tell her to just get some guy drunk…

klutzaroo's avatar

@HungryGuy How is that likely to be a satisfying experience? Some degree of male competence (and ability to keep it up which we both know a lot of drunk guys lack) would be better for anything who’s basing their entire history on one experience.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@HungryGuy Yeah, rape is always a great solution. ~

LuckyGuy's avatar

No. I would not be turned off. I’d be honored.

spykenij's avatar

Seriously?! A prostitute?! C’mon!!! MASTURBATE! That way, she knows what to expect somewhat and she’ll know enough to tell him what she likes in the process of learning other things. Your 1st time at that age is precious and not pathetic. I wish more people were virgins or had way less sexual partners, especially for their age. Let it happen, but I am serious about masturbation. Watch some educational adult videos to see different stuff. The wait, chase and 1st few captures are well worth the wait and the most fun part of a relationship.

HungryGuy's avatar

Guy gets girl drunk = rape.

Girl gets guy drunk = happy guy & girl gets what she wants…

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@HungryGuy Having known several men who were raped that way, allow me to say that not a one of them felt that way.

Likeradar's avatar

@HungryGuy oooh, usually I’m with your answers on sexual matters, but I think you went overboard after your initial answer… Taking advantage of someone sexually is a no no for me, no matter what gender.

sliceswiththings's avatar

I agree with her getting drunk and having a one night stand. If she never sees the guy again she won’t be as embarrassed if it doesn’t go well. Being drunk will get her inhibitions down, so she wont’ be as nervous.

spykenij's avatar

~Last call?~

Likeradar's avatar

@sliceswiththings Yeah, I’m gonna keep going with that along with telling her what some “friends” of mine have said about older virgins. It’s weird, she gets hit on, she’s an easy kisser, then… buh bye.

mrrich724's avatar

@spykenij we used to call last call of the night “rounding up the wounded buffalo”

Pandora's avatar

She does not have to tell every guy she is with that she is a virgin. I’m sure at her age most guys wouldn’t ask. Heck, unless a girl is in high school most people assume a person has had sex by age 18. If she is in a relationship with a guy and she and he both want to move on to sex than she can tell him. I would think most guys would love it because they would feel she would never compare him to any other partner, so there are no expectations.
Another percent would think she is lying.
And only a few would feel uncomfortable is all they were looking for was a one night stand and they may feel she may get too attached. (Those are the guys with the inflated egos so no loss there.)
Tell her that even an experienced person will always find the initial experience with someone new a little embarrassing and intimidating.
Its not till the first few times will you both learn to relax and really enjoy each other unless sex isn’t a big deal for them.
It doesn’t matter. Sex for the first time for everyone is a bit daunting from everyone and yet we all manage to do it and survive it, and some enjoy it more than others. :)
So whether it 18 or 30 it doesn’t matter.
My sister was about 30 for her first time. Wasn’t a problem. Obviously she wasn’t shot down and she stayed in a relationship with him for 2 years.

HungryGuy's avatar

@Likeradar – Okay. Consider me duly spanked :-p

Paradox's avatar

I would tell her to embrace the fact she is a virgin at her age despite her being upset about this. I know guys who are still virgins well into their 30’s, 40’s and even 50’s. This is probally more common then she thinks but of course people will not be too open about their virginity so it seems this way (that being a virgin is super rare). This situation is actually worst for a guy if he’s a virgin at that age. Maybe set her up with a guy who is a virgin if you know any?

TexasDude's avatar

@Paradox, two virgins trying to go at it is usually a bad idea in my own experience, as well as the experiences of tons of people I know. Mileage may vary, depending on the individuals, of course.

spykenij's avatar

This is the entire problem with the way people perceive sex. Two virgins ought to be understanding of each others’ inexperiences. If not, why the hell would they wanna screw? Surely, they won’t be turned on if they’re so concerned about how inexperience the other one is. ALL WE NEED IS LOVE :) No more screwing just to screw. Damn, I want a co-pilot, so I treat my girl the way I want to be treated for the long term. Me and her against the world.

klutzaroo's avatar

@spykenij You’d hope that someone knows what they’re doing. That way its a better experience.

spykenij's avatar

@klutzaroo Not necessarily. Teaching someone can be part of the fun and besides, the bedroom is a sacred space where all consenting adults should feel comfortable enough to be open to trust and try at least once, so long as its reasonable to them. I’m such an idealist, but don’t see inexperience as a lesser experience. Hell, I can pretty much get off thinking about some of the learning processes I or my partners have gone through.

klutzaroo's avatar

@spykenij Exactly. Someone should know what they’re doing so that they’re capable of teaching. Its a whole lot of fun, but when nobody knows anything its not likely to be more than a fumbling, bumbling experience than any fun.

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