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avengerscion's avatar

Sex without love?

Asked by avengerscion (582points) December 10th, 2010

Why do people have sex without love? Is it nature, pure physical desire, power-play, and/or a boost to self-confidence/esteem? What are your thoughts and experiences? Does it go against your moral fiber? Have you done it, and how did you feel about it?

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41 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

I had ‘spontaneous’ sex once with a co-worker (on work premises…don’t ask), and it was one of the most unnatural, foreign experiences I’ve ever had. I felt like a complete animal, and not in a good way. Of course in the moment, it was somewhat exciting, considering the real possibility of getting caught. When it was all over though, a very strong feeling of “this is not me…this not how I operate” took hold.

Every sexual ‘encounter’ before her was done within the context of a monogamous, loving relationship, so I’m sure that heavily influenced my perspective at the time.

i still very much prefer sex with love.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Sex is pleasurable. Sex and love are both very powerful things, and perhaps even more so when combined… but I don’t think that you must have both in order to enjoy one or the other.
I have had phenomenal sexual encounters with people that I was not in love with, and I have felt a great deal of love for people that I was not having sex with. I think that healthy, consensual sex between two people is a wonderful thing, with or without being in love.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Simply because sex is pleasurable. Because of that, many people can override their desire for love and enjoy sex on its own. It’s not a concept I personally understand, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, either. Chemistry with someone works any time you see them, be it the first or fiftieth time you’ve been in their presence. And chemistry can be a very powerful thing – which many people explain as a pure and intense, indescribable magnetism. Well, that “feeling” is people’s chemistry interacting.

I’ve only had sex with someone I didn’t know once, but from the moment I was in his presence, that “feeling” – our individual chemistry – was interacting and taking over. I have never so immediately and completely experienced what I did around him with any other person in my life. We still talked for years after the fact.

But generally and almost completely, I can not have sex without love.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Sex is fun and it feels good, particularly with the right person and the right chemistry. I’m one of those people that can enjoy sex for sex’s sake and not have to be in love with a person to really enjoy myself. I have had, and enjoyed, quite a few friends-with-benefits situations and it suited me wonderfully at the time. They were my friends and I cared about them, so that personal connection made the sex.. well.. more personal. And better, because when you sleep with someone repeatedly, they learn what you like. It’s nice to be with someone who knows what you like.

I’ve had emotionless sex with people I probably wouldn’t see again. Some of it wasn’t so great, but the majority has been enjoyable, some of it even rather memorable. Sometimes it’s fun to come together in lust to mutually satisfy some needs, what can I say? :)

perspicacious's avatar

Oh look, a brand new topic.
I was quite old when I realized that some people really do have sex without love.

avengerscion's avatar

@ perspicacious No need to be snotty. I haven’t been on this site in a while, and the topic crossed my mind. So what are your experiences and thoughts on sex without love?

meiosis's avatar

I’ve had some amazing sex with women I wasn’t in love with. The motivations are many fold – there’s the genetic imperative to have sex which we all have to varying degree, sex feels good, amazing sex feels amazingly good, and sex with relative strangers is an instant, very seductive ego-boost.

Of course, amazing sex with someone you do love is even better

marinelife's avatar

I think many people who have sex without love are looking for love or looking to fill a hole inside themselves.

Eggie's avatar

I think it is the desire for the body to reproduce that makes most people have sex without love. When you look at the tv and you see a woman like Gabriel Union, Lil Kim or Kim Kadarshian….assuming youre a guy, you would feel to have sex with them, but you dont love them. I suppose its just the body’s mechanics.

mrrich724's avatar

Because it’s fun and gratifying. Imagine all the college kids’ fun nights if they only based sex on love!

Many many many of those nights would have been alot less fun.

Jude's avatar

I have done it and let me tell you, it’s no where near as good as sex with love. Passion and emotion can make sex incredible.

When I did have it, it was because I was horny, into the person physically and wanted to get my rocks off.

meiosis's avatar

@marinelife Doesn’t that apply to roughly 50% of all people having sex, whether in love or not? ;)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Works in a pinch between loves and out of boredom but it doesn’t hold a candle (for me) to the intensity and bonding of sex with love.

Blackberry's avatar

There’s nothing wrong with it. Why do people only have sex when ‘in love’? Some of them only think they’re in love….....
Yes, I have done it, and it was great: not having someone cling to me when I just wanted to have some fun.

Ponderer983's avatar

I’ve had a bunch of sex without love. It’s just a fun activity to do. I don’t hold sex in that high of a regard that it only needs to happen when in love. There are other things that I only do with those I love. There’s nothing scientific for me like “the urge to reproduce” or anything deep like that. Just a good time and good feelings ;)

HearTheSilence's avatar

Sex is the one thing that is as old as man and is still a fun activity to do no matter how old you get, you still enjoy it.

When I used to drink, I would get drunk and become really promiscuous. It was fun, but dangerous; I know that. The first few times I felt a bit icky about it, but after awhile it became, “well guys can do it and it doesn’t phase them so why the hell should I care?!” Now that I don’t drink, I stick with sex-with-benefit friends. I know them, I can make them use a condom every time, and there’s no stigma after.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Why not? There is a myriad ways to connect with people – one is sex without love. Sex without love doesn’t mean you don’t respect, like or really appreciate the person you’re with in that manner- they can be a friend, someone you just met, the connecton can be great but love takes longer and more than that and not everyone you have sex with has to be a love of your life. This is okay, boys and girls, doesn’t mean you’re fucked up in the head or @marinelife (nice pun, btw) says ‘filling up a hole’.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Tried. Couldn’t. Meh. I find that I need that element of caring and love between my partner and myself.

HungryGuy's avatar

Love just makes everything complicated and icky. Just give me sex when I want it, and store her in my cage when I’m not using her for sex.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@HungryGuy You know, that borders on animal cruelty – sheep need the outside.~

HungryGuy's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – Actually, you are kind’a cute. Maybe I’ll keep you as my sex slave. Make you sleep in my cage and let you out whenever I get horny :-p

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@HungryGuy You would never survive an hour of me talking non stop about deconstructing gender. Trust me, it’s not worth it.

TexasDude's avatar

I used to not be able to separate sex and love. I thought that I would never be able to have sex without love. That changed, and I’m at the point to where I can’t separate sex and affection, which is okay with me, because I’m not the hookup type anyway, but I wouldn’t go so far as to require actual bona fide love anymore, thought it’s definitely a plus, especially for people who are as emotional as me.

People are different, though, and that’s ok.

HungryGuy's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – I’ll just put a ring gag in your mouth. Serve two purposes at once :-p

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@HungryGuy How would that ever happen with my stilettos jammed in your aorta for even trying?

HungryGuy's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – You don’t strike me as a stilettos type. You seem more of a casual, sneakers, unisex clothing type…

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@HungryGuy Do I? Guess we’ll have to wait and find out…

Scooby's avatar

Sex without Love.. Nothing wrong with that…… Just so long as both are aware there’ll be no wedding bells, the testy part is deciding who, cleans up the mess!! :-/
That’s a s close to marriage as I wanna get! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! :-/
Most weekends by the way & I love it!! ;-)

Scooby's avatar

Oh yeah!! not this one!! :-(

wundayatta's avatar

Every time I’ve had sex without love (that is less than a handful of times), it’s been pretty pathetic. I need to know the person—who they are. I can’t fuck a blow up doll that happens to be alive. Nothing there for me. But that’s just me.

Love is what I get off on. The idea that someone actually cares for me enough to make love to me. That blows my mind and can keep me aroused for days at a time.

There’s a difference between doing sex without love a few times, and making a regular habit of it. It is my belief that people who make a habit of it, or only do sex without love, have been badly hurt in their past. They no longer believe in love or that they are lovable. They think they are pieces of shit in some underlying way (which is not always, or maybe even rarely something they are aware of.

It’s the kind of thing that people repress—both memories of what happened and current feelings of crapitude. They go out and every new fuck reinforces the idea that they are hot and sexy and can manipulate people and have power, usually because that’s what they never had as youth.

Most of this comes from pain inflicted in very subtle or not so subtle ways as they grow up. Low self-esteem, of course. Sex is the only high that gets them to feel good enough to survive for a while.

There can be many games played around this. Often people who use sex this way have to up the ante as time goes by, engaging in s/m games of greater and greater intensity. They’ll often not care enough about themselves to bother using protection. It’s like gambling with their lives.

Many people who behave in this way will call themselves “pro-sex,” or “sex-positive,” and if they are women, they will claim this prerogative for themselves as part of the battle between the sexes. They say these things because it gives them an alternative justification for the behavior, and because men rarely have to defend themselves.

Personally, I don’t think anyone needs to defend the behavior, If women do, then men should, too. But I do think that if someone behaves this way, they should take a look at themselves, preferably through therapy, because they will probably find some deep pain, and come to realize that they are using sex to mask that pain. Then, perhaps, they can find another way to deal with the pain, and make it possible for them to have truly intimate relationships.

I say this, even though I have behaved in this kind of way, and I am not sure that I really do have a problem. But I know why I do it, and where it comes from, and I struggle every day to try to become whole. If I can do that, maybe the urges will go away. Maybe I’ll be complete inside myself. That’s the hope, anyway.

I hope I don’t sound judgmental. I do have a theory about this and I could be off base. But if I judge others, then I judge myself. Of course, I do judge myself. Quite harshly. It’s easier to understand and forgive others than it is to understand and forgive myself.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Replying more to the general idea that there’s something wrong with people who have sex without love than any of you guys in particular:

Everyone is different and not everyone is wired the same. If it were true, I’d be the first to say “you know, I seek out meaningless sex because I feel shitty about myself”. But.. that’s not really it at all.

I love sex. I’m a very sensual, sexual being and have pretty much always been that way. I also love women, in particular. Even though, lord knows, I don’t have the best self-esteem in the world, my motivation is almost entirely the pursuit of pleasure. I’m an absolute hedonist at heart – if it feels good, I want lots of it!

Good sex is one of the few things that makes life worth living, in my opinion. Maybe I’ve been fortunate, but quite a lot of the sex I’ve had in my life has been great, even with people I didn’t know very well. I admit it; one of my life goals is to have as much great sex as possible. At its best, it’s transformative, divine, all-consuming, makes the world go away for a while, etc. To me, absolutely and totally worth pursuing, even if I do stumble on a dud every now and then.

I’ve found that no personal chemistry is needed. It’s awesome if it’s there and I completely agree that it takes the greatness of the sex to a new, higher level. If I had my druthers, I’d be married and having madly-in-love sex with my wife at this very moment. Can there really be a substitute for the kind of sex you have with someone in a mutually loving, respectful relationship? Not really, that much is true. However, I have come really damn close.

As an example, I had a brief fling with a girl earlier this year that I’d met on a dating site. There was physical attraction and chemistry, but over the coming weeks, it became obvious to both of us that there was zero personal chemistry. After spending enough time with her, I was actually a bit appalled at her personality, how cold and heartless she seemed most of the time. So the weird thing for me was that despite this growing dislike I felt toward her out of the bedroom, once we started making out, it was like gangbusters super-hot, blow-your-mind kind of thing. Almost as hot, intense, sensual, and intimate as the “hottest sex of my life” that I experienced with J during our 2.5 year relationship.

Logically, I would say.. how is it possible to have sex with someone you practically dislike and have it be at almost the same level of greatness as with someone you worked at becoming intimate with for over two years (and really cared a hell of a lot for)? I honestly don’t know how or why it’s possible. I haven’t figured it out. The only thing I can think is that I really enjoy women, so that it’s almost always hot to me. Other than that, I don’t know.

slauren14's avatar

I’ve only had sex with one man… my husband. And it is an absolute wonderful experience. I can’t even imagine having sex with someone I didn’t love. To me, sex should be shared between two people as a result or an expression of their love, not just to do it.

sliceswiththings's avatar

I’ve never had sex WITH love. I’m quite sexually active, usually with guys I’m “dating” (regularly sleeping with) but don’t feel that strongly about, sometimes one night stands. I’m too busy to find someone I love and be in a serious relationship, and I’m sure as hell not going to wait for that to have sex.

mattbrowne's avatar

When people are very hungry they eat because they need the fuel.

When people want to enjoy their food they cook or go to their favorite restaurant.

Some people are gourmets. Some people are just hungry.

HungryGuy's avatar

@mattbrowne _ “Some people are gourmets. Some people are just hungry.” I love it! :-p

perspicacious's avatar

@avengerscion It’s not for me. I suppose I’m fortunate to have someone to love, in every way.

Only138's avatar

I love sex without love. In my life, love complicates things. I think it keeps things new and interesting.

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