General Question

anon213's avatar

Should I tell my fiance that I don't like my engagement ring?

Asked by anon213 (28points) December 16th, 2010

Hey folks,

I have a slight conundrum. My fiance proposed to me a couple weeks ago; although I am thrilled he proposed and estastic that he went through the process of buying a ring, I’m not a huge fan of the ring itself. It’s too simple and doesn’t really flatter my finger.

It’s not a case of him not doing research—he did, but he went about it the wrong way. About a week before he proposed, his mom tried to figure out what I liked by asking me what ring she should get for her & her husband’s 25th anniversary. So I looked at rings with her and chose one… except I really did look at what I thought she would like and what would look good on her, not the one I liked. With that knowledge, my fiance went and bought the ring I chose while talking with her.

To further complicate things, after he gave it to me, I said “it’s beautiful” – meaning the setting he had chosen to propose in and the sentiment of proposing. But he thought I was talking about the ring and blurted out, “I’m glad you like it!” He looked so relieved and happy that I didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise. We went and immediately got it resized (letting him do that was probably a mistake on my part), and it just came back in. I put it on and have been wearing it since, but the more I look at it the more apathetic I feel about it and the more annoyed I get that he involved his mom in the process (that last part is pretty stupid, I know. I think I’m just bitter that he didn’t ask my friends, because I told him to do so and I made sure to tell my friends exactly what I wanted).

But anyway, should I ask him to re-shop around for one because I dislike it, or should I just suck it up? I mean, the senitment really is beautiful, and I am thrilled just to be marrying him. He told me later that he was glad I liked it because it cost a lot (it did, for him), so he’s already put a lot into it. But then again, feeling apathetic about something I’ll be wearing for the rest of my life doesn’t seem like a particularly enticing idea. At the same time, I just feel like I should be grateful for what I have. Suggestions?

Edited for spelling.

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52 Answers

Doppelganger19's avatar

I can’t think of a better time for complete honesty.

Blackberry's avatar

Be honest if you think he can handle it, or suck it up.

marinelife's avatar

Might as well go ahead and let him know how shallow you are that you care more about the ring than that he wanted to spend his life with you.

That you care about the ring so much you would actually try to return it after having it resized.

That you care about the ring so much that every time you look at it you get a bad feeling.

He should know exactly what kind of woman he proposed to now before the wedding so by all means tell him.

Likeradar's avatar

@marinelife I think you’re being a bit harsh. This is a piece of jewelery she’ll wear forever. Shouldn’t she love how it looks, not just the sentiment behind it?

@anon213 How do you think your fiance will react if you tell him you don’t like the setting?

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
marinelife's avatar

@Likeradar A ring is just supposed to be a symbol. It’s too plain? It doesn’t flatter her hand? Please!

anon213's avatar

@Likeradar I’ve been considering that very question for the past month; I really can’t know for sure because he’s never bought me anything with this much meaning before. He’s a pretty understanding guy (another reason he’s great), so I feel like he would understand, but there’s no doubt that he would be at least a little disappointed. I doubt he’d react similarly to marinelife’s response, but of course there’s a possibility for everything.

Likeradar's avatar

@anon213 I’ve never had this experience, so I’m wondering… before sizing, can a setting be exchanged with no cost? Can it be exchanged with no cost after sizing?

@marinelife I think it’s supposed to be a beautiful symbol. Part of that equation is missing for the OP. I think she’s a smart girl for asking people how they would handle it and getting different perspective before she says anything to her guy. I’m not convinced she should say something to him, but I think your answer essentially insulted her for even questioning. Oh well, to each their own.

anon213's avatar

@Likeradar, I haven’t though of that. If I decide to bring it up, I’ll look into that first.

Doppelganger19's avatar

Like @BlackBerry, I started to write how I felt about @marinelife‘s comment, but @Likeradar saved me the trouble… and answered far more delicately than I might have.

It’s obvious from @anon213‘s question that she is trying hard to do the right thing. I admire her for being honest about her feelings and asking us for input. And if the relationship is solid—which I suspect it is—exlaining diplomatically to her financee how she feels would seem to me to be wise.

marinelife's avatar

OK, OK, I shot from the hip.

If @anon213 wants to bring up exchanging the ring, then I think she should do it the way she did here. By telling her fiance what happened when his mother asked her, and saying that she would prefer a different type of ring if an exchange is possible.

I think she should lay on heavily how touched she was that he went to so much trouble to try and get her a ring that she would like.

oopsifluthered's avatar

I think you should be grateful for what you have.

I never received an engagement ring. We were poor. I’d been happy with a ring from a Cracker Jack box. but that’s just me

skfinkel's avatar

What a great example of needing to learn how to communicate honestly from the start. If you tell him you love him, and how happy you are that you are marrying him, and how sweet and fantastic that he went and actually got a ring for you (which is all the most important), perhaps he will be able to hear that the specific ring he got is not your absolute favorite. If you do that, though, I would suggest going with him to get another—don’t have him shop alone and maybe come up with something else you don’t like. I think you should get something you love, since you will be wearing it. And I believe that he would like that best as well. Otherwise, you will always look at it and not really enjoy it. I think your fiancee will care more about you liking the ring than the fact that he was able to find one (out of the millions available) that you might like.

wundayatta's avatar

When it was time to get a ring, my wife and I went together to the jeweler. My mother had provided the diamond from her engagement ring (which she never wore). We took the ring to the jeweler, and we designed a new ring just for us. At that point we had been living together a while and I think we had already mixed finances. We took the old ring and put an opal in it and gave that to my mother.

So I never had one of those dramatic proposal moments where I presented the ring. I had been pestering my wife to marry her and one day, over lamb chops and artichokes she had some kind of epiphany and announced, “I guess I will marry you.” This was a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and we decided to tell her parents on Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, her father passed away in between, so he never got to find out.

I’m sure there are a billion ways to propose. It’s traditional to use the dramatic proposal, where everyone holds their breath, watching the jumbotron, to see if she’ll say yes. Of course, she has to say yes, doesn’t she? I only know of one person who said no at the time, and another one who said no later. It can be a moment of extreme embarrassment.

The guy doesn’t know for sure, and then he doesn’t know if he’s gotten the right ring, or if she’ll think the diamond is big enough, or god knows what. So the woman almost has to be nice, to reassure him. What are you going to say? “Yes! I’d love to marry you! But the ring has to go?”

I feel very sorry for guys who have to go through this little pageant, although I know a lot of girls fantasize about it for years. I think that some time you could talk about it with your fiance. Sooner the better. “When you proposed, I was so excited and happy that I can’t tell you. You asked about if I like the ring, and I really hadn’t taken it in. It was really the excitement of the moment when I said I thought it was beautiful. You looked so happy and relieved. Later, I was too embarrassed to tell you that I don’t think it is the right style for me. I’m sorry, honey. I know I shouldn’t have let it continue, but I just didn’t want to see your feelings hurt. Later on I realized that I would be wearing this the rest of my life, and that I knew you’d want me to feel good about the ring.”

Hopefully, by this time, he will have volunteered to trade it in, but if not, you can ask if he would like to go in to the jeweler to help you get one you really like.

BarnacleBill's avatar

While it would have been better to take you shopping, it seems like he was really into a romantic idea of “Popping the Question.” An engagement ring is a man’s token of commitment; it’s not really a gift, like a Christmas or birthday present.

It sounds like what you want could result in having him spend more money than he did—perhaps a lot more. Or it could result in you having to settle for a poorer quality stone to get the look you want.

Since you’ve described the ring as “simple” I’m assuming you have a traditional solitaire. If this is the case, when you go looking for wedding bands, perhaps you can select an enhancer or wrap style band, which would surround the engagement ring with stones.

It would seem that your fiance likes surprises, and if you do not, this is something that needs to get clarified now.

bob_'s avatar

Just be honest and explain what happened.

Also, man, do people like to ride around in high horses…

MrsDufresne's avatar

Forgive my bluntness, but as long as you’re thrilled with the person who gave the ring to you, it could be a piece of string. In my humble opinion, marriage is about the person, not the piece of metal on your hand. You can always have it put in a different setting later.

Likeradar's avatar

@MrsDufresne So she should just be thrilled with the person… until later?

theichibun's avatar

Wait, you’ve have the thing for a month now? Too late, the time to talk about it has passed. Even if you do it the best way possible you’re going to come off as a bit of a bitch.

MrsDufresne's avatar

@Likeradar lol. No, she should be thrilled with the person overall. If she doesn’t like the look of the jewelry, she can customize it to her preference if she chooses to do so later.

bob_'s avatar

@theichibun Actually, I’d say that could help. She can say that, after wearing it for a month, she has realized that she might like something different, explaining how she had suggested something that she thought really was for his mother.

Kraigmo's avatar

It doesn’t matter. All rings are the same except in level of gaudiness.
I’ve never seen a ring “make” a finger. Human body is beautiful, but metallic little tools and trinkets, are just metallic little tools and trinkets. Expensive chachke.

josie's avatar

Is it plain ugly, or simply not quite good enough?
If it is hideous junk, you might as well be up front about it.
If it is good, just not good enough… well, it could have been nothing at all.

Doppelganger19's avatar

Anyone want to join me in saying kudos to @marinelife for rethinking his initial comment on this topic, and for the wisdom of his second one?

JLeslie's avatar

Tell him. He wants you to love it. That is why he went through so much effort in the first place. He wanted you to pick, that is why his mom did that whole song and dance, he just also wanted to be able to surprise you, which is very sweet. Tell him how much you love evrything he did, but you would prefer a different ring, and you want to pick it with him—together. One of the many things you will pick together as you start your life together.


Fairylover78's avatar

Well, perhaps I am not the best person to answer this, seeing how I’m not really a jewelery wearing kinda girl and could care less what it looked like, but here’s a little of my story anyway. My husband (going on 14 years) proposed to me with a ring we found in our first apartment together, it was a bent up pink ice ring, but I never even noticed what it looked like, I was too happy that this wonderful, sweet and perfect for me guy wanted to spend the rest of his life with me! I wore it until I couldnt anymore and when we married I replaced it with a simple wedding band with swirled designs in it ( the cheapest they had) and I haven’t taken it off in 13 years, It never mattered to me, as long as he was by my side. Of course we are also the type that spent 50 bucks to get married in front of a Judge and spent the money most people spend on their weddings on our honeymoon, because it was more important for us to start our lives together, than some ring or piece of paper could ever mean. The ring is a Symbol of your commitment to eachother, just as the Marriage License is a Symbol of your union, what reallly matters is how you feel about eachother, material things fade, but true love lasts forever.

deni's avatar

@marinelife are you serious? come on. She’s gonna wear it every day for the rest of her life. It has nothing to do with being shallow or not being happy that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I’d say the two are mostly unrelated actually. It’s a material object. Yes, it has a lot of meaning behind it. But if my boyfriend proposed to me with a ring I absolutely hated, I wouldn’t SUCK IT UP. I would tell him. Why not? It has nothing to do with me (or the OP) not being thankful and appreciative that he proposed, and it has nothing to do with how much she loves him. DAMN!

Be honest. You’re getting married. If you can’t be honest now there will be bigger problems later, anyhow. Hopefully he’ll understand. He’s not perfect, right?

Fairylover78's avatar

sigh @marinelife I don’t think they are going to let you live down your first response, but to be perfectly honest after reading the question initially I couldn’t help the question ” how shallow can you be” from popping in my head, it’s obvious that @anon213 loves her finace and I appreciate the question, but I also couldn’t help but feel similar initially, as you can see from my response though, I just explained it from my point of view.

Blackberry's avatar

There’s no way to not sound shallow when defending this type of thinking lol. She has to live with it for the rest of her life? It’s not a fucking missing limb, it’s a mineral from the planet. She doesn’t physically need the damn ring to live. Gimme a break…..

oopsifluthered's avatar

Boy, honesty hurts doesn’t it, yet 16 people agree with @marinelife. Sure, be honest with the fiance. It’s still pretty shallow. How do you think the fiance will feel once he knows she didn’t like the ring? All the hard work and planning he put in to make the day special for her. At least he tried to make her happy. Do you know how many women would love to be in her shoes?

@Blackberry lol. No shit.

JLeslie's avatar

I just don’t get why people are being so critical? Even he cared a lot about the ring, cared that she would like it. He probably spent a lot of pennies on that ring. If it is not something she loves, where is the value in all of that money spent? My first ring was fake, I didn’t want my husband to buy me a ring that I was not very fond of, because we did not have a lot of money, I preferred to get the fake (actually it was important to him I had some sort of ring) and buy a fabulous ring later. My job was very physical, so I mostly just wore my wedding band anyway once we were married.

Seelix's avatar

@anon213 – If you really don’t like the ring and you really don’t think you can live with it, you should be honest.

If you can’t be honest with him, you shouldn’t be marrying him.

But if it were me, I’d keep it anyway and learn to love it. What’s special is the fact that he gave it to you, not what it looks like.

Likeradar's avatar

@JLeslie Exactly. He wants her to like it.

Eggie's avatar

Yes you should. If you love him be honest…its those little things that matter.

Kardamom's avatar

This is a sticky wicket. On the first hand, it sounds like you are incredibly shallow and selfish and love your bling. The ring is supposed to be a symbol of your fiance’s love and comitment to you. I think it’s very sweet that he asked his mother to help him attempt to find the right ring. He probably didn’t even think to ask your friends (the girls would likely have blabbed to you, you know that’s true!) It’s too bad he and his mom didn’t work out the details of the false premise a little bit better.

Now on to the second part. Because they didn’t figure out the details of the false premise a little better, you can (without remorse, if you do this with a compassionate heart) sit him down and say, “Honey, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can’t believe how sweet and unselfish you are to have gone to such lengths to get me this beautiful ring. I love it. But I have a terrible confession to make. When your mom took me to the store to look at rings, I honestly thought I was making a choice for her, a much older woman to wear. I really thought this ring would look lovely on her. But if I had known that I was actually looking for a ring for myself, this is not exactly the style I would have chosen. I feel so awful for even saying this, but do you think that we could go together to the jewelry store and look at rings together and possibly pick out another one that is more suitable for my style rather than your mom’s style? I love you so much and would never want to hurt you and if you think I’m a terrible shallow person, I’ll understand.” Then listen to what he says and take it from there.

He might think that you are shallow and materialistic or he might realize that his plan was a little less than perfect in the details and agree that the ring is more suitable for a woman his mother’s age. Which ever way it goes, will tell you a lot about how your future will or will not go with him. Good luck and please let us know what happens.

Jeruba's avatar

This is really a tough one. It is true that the feelings and the meaning are most important, but does that mean that nothing else matters? I don’t think so. How can it be all right to hate the sight of the symbol that anchors your lives together? I know you said you just feel neutral now; I’m exaggerating a little, but maybe not a whole lot. I would not care to wear a piece of jewelry that I had picked out as suitable for my mother-in-law.

If I were in your place I would not only be feeling dismayed but would also be worrying that my dismay would surface sooner or later. It could be in the middle of an unrelated argument ten years from now, or it could just be a slow, festering resentment. Either way, it’s not good, and it’s going to end up hurting both of you.

The longer you wait, the worse it gets. I think I would have to own up and say something like this: “I’m sorry, darling, it really is a beautiful ring, but I can’t look at it without thinking of your mother and the fact that I selected it to please her. Now that the important matters are settled and we’re making our plans, could we please go shopping together for something that’s more my style?”

mammal's avatar

you are being fussy. Which actually makes me worry for your future together.

YARNLADY's avatar

I’m with @mammal on this one.

Rarebear's avatar

Jeez. It’s your frikking ring, just tell him you want to exchange it. No big deal, no drama.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I agree with @Likeradar: That your fiancee thought enough about you liking the ring to consult his mother to help him means he WANTS you to like the ring you’ll wear forever. His mom isn’t to blame much either, she just could have gone about it differently such as asking since you two were looking at rings, what kind of ring would you like her son to give you should he propose? That would’ve been simplest.

Tell your fiancee you feel awkward because you recognize the ring from when your mom consulted you on picking out an anniversary band for HER. Tell him you considered very carefully thinking it was all about his mom and that you didn’t catch on to what was really going on. Ask him if he’d be offended if the two of you shopped for one that better suited your hand, one you think feels like the symbol you’ll wear of “you and him”. Something like that. Your guy probably would want to get you what you most want if at all possible so speak up, gently. He wouldn’t have gone through the ruse with his mother enlisted otherwise.


Supacase's avatar

Since you say this was an expensive purchase for him, I would make sure he could actually do something like exchange the ring before saying anything. You know he cannot afford a second ring if the first one cannot be returned or exchanged, so not only will you still have the same ring ring and he will feel lousy every time he looks at it too.

Jeruba's avatar

Good point, @Supacase.

Perhaps you could speak quietly and privately to someone at the store first, since you do have the advantage of knowing where it came from.

Supacase's avatar

I see, after it is too late, that I butchered my last sentence.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

GA @Supacase! Since you’ve already been to the store then call there and double check that’s where it came from in order to ask their policy. Explain what happened and chances are they will be willing to exchange. Trust me, this won’t be the first time they’ve had a similar call.

anon213's avatar

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses so far; I appreciate everyone’s input (even those of you who consider my thoughts selfish – I appreciate your honesty). Just to clarify: I have not had the ring for a month; he proposed about a month ago, we sent it off to get resized, and I just received it back.

@JLeslie : Thank you for the congratulations, I’m really excited!

casheroo's avatar

This is exactly why I picked out my own engagement ring.
Guess what though? I never wear it. Ever. I have little kids, it can scratch them, I do dishes a lot, and clean..I don’t want to ruin it. I picked a wedding band with small diamonds around it to be sort of “flashy” but subtle, my husband and I picked our bands out together.
I think you need to be honest. Just let him know how you feel. Trust me, this is so insignificant compared to the rest of your lives.

mammal's avatar

if you loved him more than the ring, you would wear it and the fact that it is aesthetically displeasing to you would be a potent reminder to you that he is more important than the ring.

Fairylover78's avatar

Hmmm, I’m thinking if it was resized, they will not do an exchange, in order to resize it they have to cut it and then meld it back together, although this is hardly noticible it does effect the “newness’ of the ring….. you can try, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Rather than saying it’s too simple, you might just want to say ‘I’ve been able to wear it around and I don’t think it’s quite me. Would you help me look for one that fits me better?’

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
mountain007's avatar

If she was shallow and only cared about bling….I don’t think she’d be wearing any jewelry from him. Anyway, I’ve got the same dish…....only my fiance asked me point blank what do I like because he wanted to get it right. I said many times and even sent him pictures of a “oval or cushion….and said those are my absolute favorites”.... he asked me/I told him. He brought me a princess.

I could care less about ‘bling’, but “I” was not thought of/listened to. It’s a pretty ring, but it has sharp edges which I wouldn’t like on anything. I told him I didn’t want sharp edges – I find that they look ‘cold’ and he has little kids and I dont’ want to hurt them if I’m playing with them.

He got me what ‘he’ wanted anyway. Hmmmm He also said that it had to be paid for with cash so as not to have a trail. Okay——I did NOT need to hear this.

Wonderful man; but as you can sense….there’s more/other things. It’s been a year, I’m still wearing the ring. If the ‘other’ items were in place and we were connecting better—I’d change the ring in a heart beat ‘with’ him. It is a symbol and meaning. However, you should both feel good about it. Chances are he only wants her to be thrilled with it.

thesparrow's avatar

I have a question.. can you post the picture of this ring online for us?

I had a relatively similar problem the first few days after I got my ring but I love it now. It just takes time to get used to it. No engagement ring is ‘ugly’ or ‘unflattering.’ They’re all very beautiful and I haven’t seen one that doesn’t look good.

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