Social Question

wundayatta's avatar

Can you flirt without that energy that says you really mean it?

Asked by wundayatta (58638points) December 17th, 2010

A lot of people flirt but say they are just doing it for fun and they don’t really mean anything by it. I was thinking about that and wondering how that worked. I enjoy flirting and, these days, I don’t want it to go anywhere other than to be fun and entertaining and give me a spark of that feeling of being interesting or attractive or something.

However, it seems to me that in order to flirt properly, I have to actually mean it, or at least put out the energy that I mean it. Otherwise it’s kind of flat—no spirit behind it. So even though I don’t mean it, I have to mean it, or else it isn’t flirting.

Can you flirt without really meaning it? Or does that take the life out of it for you? If you need that energy, can you just turn it on or off at will? Or does it influence you somehow, so that you might start flirting just to play, but at some point it gets away from you and you are doing something real?

And looking at it through other eyes—if you see your spouse flirting, can you truly believe they are doing it just for fun with no meaning behind it?

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19 Answers

Coloma's avatar


One can be friendly and humorous and playful, but, true flirting has to have an underlying energy that is natural and uncontrived.

I am friendly and humorous with everyone, male or female but i rarely exude true flirtatious energy, simply because I am happily single and not interested in a LTR.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

If Ah’m a flirtin’,ah’m a-meanin’ it!

Jude's avatar

@wundayatta I hope that you’re only flirting with your wife.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

As one of those people that is often perceived as flirting, even when that isn’t my intention, I suspect that I can. Flirting is really about being playful and friendly, and I don’t think that you have to inject any special feelings in order to be flirtatious. I flirt with people all the time and don’t really mean it. It may just be that I want to boost someone’s confidence, a compliment in a roundabout way. I find that I often say or do flirty things toward people that I am not necessarily attracted to or have any desire to pursue (if I were single, of course.) It is often lighthearted and just in good fun.
When there is a natural chemistry or attraction, of course flirting moves into an entirely different realm.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Yes, I sure can! I love flirting. What’s not to like about it? It’s a pleasurable connection to another human being, where both of you feel attractive, liked, and/or flattered for a few moments. It’s usually a lot of fun, too, and an ego boost.

I flirt with all kinds of people I have zero romantic or sexual designs on, just for the fun of it. (It’s obvious at the time that they feel the same and that it’s harmless fun.)

I can’t consciously flirt.. it comes out forced and wrong. No, real flirting comes from something more subtle and unspoken. I’ll be having an average day and all of a sudden, I’ll be engaged in flirting and not even know how it happened, but I do know that it’s fun and it feels good. :)

In my relationships, we agreed that the type of flirting you’re talking about, the harmless flirting for fun, was totally okay with both of us. It honestly does not bother me to see my girlfriend flirt with someone, if it’s just in fun. I guess my girlfriends have been flirty, too.. it just never has been an issue, so long as there isn’t any sort of intent behind it.

nicobanks's avatar

Yes, I believe flirting can be just for fun. That doesn’t mean there’s no meaning behind it. I mean, I know my wife flirts with one of her friends, and I know she does it because she’s attracted to him (physically and personality-wise) – that’s the meaning behind it. But my opinion is, so what? I know these feelings don’t run very deep – I mean, her every waking thought is not taken up with this guy, and she is not tempted to cheat on me with him. So, I know flirting for fun is possible.

But it’s not possible for me. Either I flirt and mean it far too much and end up love-sick, or I turn it on but it’s fake. I used to work as a waitress, still do sometimes, and there’s a type of male customer who wants you to flirt with him and who will under-tip if you don’t. So I turn it on, and while it feels fake to me I guess it’s fun for the customer because I get the tip.

Jude's avatar

Personally, I have no interest. I am in a relationship, love my partner to bits, and playful flirting doesn’t interest me at all.

As Shirley Q Liquor says “to each, they own.. So, the Bible say…”

wundayatta's avatar

@Jude Do you think flirting threatens a relationships? That once you are in an exclusive relationship, flirting is dangerous?

Jude's avatar

@wundayatta Depends on how solid the relationship is. Are there trust issues? Has one partner been known to stray?

For me, I don’t have the desire to flirt.

Blueroses's avatar

I am a flirt. It makes me feel good to make other people feel good about themselves. It’s fun, I mean it only momentarily but it’s sincere for the moment.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Jude I have two ways I flirt. There’s the fun and easy way when I’m just trying to make the other person feel good and then there’s the serious, I really mean something flirting. I do a lot of the first on fluther and in life. That doesn’t take much energy. The other one I haven’t done in a long long time.

Jude's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille love Miss Prissy. “Yaauuusss”

phoebusg's avatar

Yeah, I do that all the time. Especially with my servers, makes for a more fun interaction. I’d put flirting on a continuum, rather than just say flirt, or do not. Flirting with intent is completely different – sometimes you can’t help it. But so long you don’t give in, it’s all good. Give yourself some space, we’re all human.

Aethelwine's avatar

I can’t flirt with anyone other than my husband, otherwise I feel like I’m stepping over the line. So I guess you can say I can’t flirt without that energy that says I really mean it. I agree with @Coloma‘s response, “One can be friendly and humorous and playful, but, true flirting has to have an underlying energy that is natural and uncontrived.”

I sometimes worry that my niceness will be considered flirting. I would never want to give someone the wrong impression, and believe me, it’s been known to happen in the past (before I was married). My husband is very humorous and playful, but flirting is a different story. I would be upset if he spent his energy flirting with someone other than me. The only exception is gailcalled and their Finnish love affair. :P

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Jude She was one horny chicken! XD

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I can do it both ways. Ha.

wundayatta's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Is it really flirting if it doesn’t have that energy?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@wundayatta Not to me – but it might be to the person hearing it, which is half the point.

choreplay's avatar

I’m gonna break a rule here. I’m gonna compare an old girl friend to my wife. I dated a girl, an attractive girl, and often when we were out on the town guys would start to flirt with her. We would give each other a knowing look and laugh or I would bring it to her attention that she had a fan, she would follow through with the flirtation and than we would both laugh about it. Now, my wife (also a very attractive girl and the one I’d pick between the two) handles it differently. I tried this with her a couple of times when it appeared she was flirting and I knew a guy was flirting with her. She would react harshly and defensively that she was not flirting. I learned fast not to do that again. But there is a theme here and this is what it is. Whether it is inclusive or exclusive or your SO. Intimacy or alienation. I dont resent flirtatious situation with my wife as I know she will be faithful to me and would not let anything go too far. I resent the latter because of the denial and exclusion. It’s not about the flirting. Therefore I don’t think flirting is bad, it depends on how both sides of a couple handle it.

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