Social Question

m0r60n's avatar

What do you do if you want to hold your boyfriend's hand, but aren't sure if he wants to?

Asked by m0r60n (210points) January 1st, 2011

Okay, I’ve been dating my boyfriend since October 29th, 2010 and I still haven’t held his hand yet, when we’ve been dating for 2 months. I want to hold his hand, but I’m not sure if he’ll be creeped out or if he wants to hold my hand as well. I guess I’m just paranoid because I’ve dated 7 guys and he is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. All the other guys just wanted a girlfriend to not be single, and I don’t think that’s right. So I’m scared it will ruin our relationship.

And if I should try to hold his hand, how do I do it? Should I ask him if he wants to first?

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41 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

How old are you both? If he finds holding hands distasteful, then he is not a boyfriend but only a friend. (How would you define “boyfriend”?)

Hand-holding should easy, compared to all the other stuff.

lemming's avatar

Go for it! If you holding his hand is going to ‘ruin’ your relationship it wasn’t going to last very long now was it?

m0r60n's avatar

We are boyfriend and girlfriend, I asked him out. We are both 13 and I’m just a little nervous. I’ve had 7 boyfriends already, but this is the first good relationship.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Hold his hand or his arm while crossing the street or during the scary part of the movie. Do it just for a few minutes in a natural way, then let go. If he likes the idea, he’ll hold your hand back. No need to ask.

m0r60n's avatar

@lemming, I understand your reasoning, I’m just nervous and all. My mom and friends say that it won’t “ruin” it, but I like him a lot and don’t want things to get weird, I don’t know.

Kardamom's avatar

Hmmm. This whole thing sounds odd. At first, I assumed that you must be very young because holding hands is usually one of the very first things that happens when 2 people start dating. If your boyfried doesn’t want to hold hands then there is something wrong. Are you sure he sees you as his girlfriend? Or does he just think that you are friends?

But then, I thought you must be at least an adult to have had 7 boyfriends. That’s a lot of boyfriends (unless you’re in your 40’s)!

Give us a few more details. How old are you and he? What do you consider to be a boyfriend? Is your family of a background where dating is limited and/or prohibited?

m0r60n's avatar

Okay, he is my boyfriend. We walk around together and talk, and everyone asks if we are boyfriend/girlfriend and we both say yes. He likes me a lot, and I haven’t talked to him about holding hands, and yes I know that 7 boyfriends is a lot, but 2 of them were jerks that dated me for a day and then broke up. I know that holding hands is usually the first thing you do, but I am so paranoid it’s ridiculous. And Wyatt (my boyfriend) is a little shy sometimes, but I think he wants to hold my hand just as much as I want to hold his, but I don’t know how to bring it up. My friend said to start a conversation and then casually grab his hand and if he doesn’t pull away, then I’m good to go.

m0r60n's avatar

@Kardamom , my whole family knows I’ve had 7 boyfriends, they like my current boyfriend a lot and they say I should go for it, hold his hand. I’m really nervous, and it’s ridiculous.

And I psych myself out, I walk up to him and sit with him during lunch and I tell myself I’ll hold his hand, but I can’t. My stomach gets all queasy and I feel like running away. I mean running away in like an embarrasing way if he pulls away… But I know he WON’T pull away…

lemming's avatar

I see what you mean. All I can say is that when you do it, act sure of yourself, because if you’re both unsure it will be ackward, but if you take the lead it will be fine.

m0r60n's avatar

@lemming, thanks for reassuring me. And I have an idea. There’s this school dance coming up on the 5th of January, and he’s going to it with me, and I figure I can hold his hand there?

Kardamom's avatar

@m0r60n If he is shy, then I wouldn’t make a conversation about holding hands. Next time you guys are walking somewhere together (probably not at school, because some schools have a no public displays of affection rule) then just reach over and take his hand. He’ll either be happy and keep holding it, or he will jerk his hand away. If he jerks it away, I think he probably doesn’t feel the same way about you.

I would also advise, if you haven’t done this already, to make sure your parents are fully aware of your relationship and ask to invite your BF over to your house to meet your parents. If all of this is being done in secret, that’s another problem. If your parents are upset about this, then you should probably just go back to being friends. Are your parents aware that you have had 7 “boyfriends”? Most girls aren’t allowed to start dating until they are 16 and by the time they are out of high school, most girls have maybe dated 1 or 2 boys at the most. I’m afraid that if you start dating at too young of an age, girls (especially) can get themselves into all sorts of trouble (emotional and physical) because they lack maturity. That’s why the parents usually want them to wait, and then to take it real slow.

Please make sure that your parents know exactly what is going on. For your safety’s sake and their peace of mind.

marinelife's avatar

OK, you are 13 so don’t go too far beyond holding hands, but I think it sounds fine.

You could just casually ask as you two are walking along if Wyatt wants to hold hands.

Or you could just casually take his hand. If he lets go of your hand quickly then he doesn’t want to.

m0r60n's avatar

@Kardamom, my parents and my WHOLE FAMILY know I’ve been dating and they allow it. And @marinelife, I wouldn’t go beyond holding hands until I turn 15. And Wyatt’s not too shy @Kardamom, I worded that wrong, sorry. He was shy at first, the first day is what I mean. But we walk together and sit together everywhere, so I think he’ll want to hold my hand. We’ve known each other for a long time because we’re both in this Gifted Program at school called GATE, so he’s just as smart as me. :) He’s actually kind of perfect. I don’t think the idea would be a problem, but I never see him outside of school. So that’s why I’m thinking I could do it at the School Dance Jan. 5th because it’s after school and there are no “public affection” rules. :)

m0r60n's avatar

and my parents always know exactly what’s going on, i talk to them about EVERYTHING. so it’s not like it’s secretive or whatever, my parents are understanding.

lemming's avatar

@marinelife has a point, you are only 13, but you sound like a smart girl. The dance sounds like a perfect opportunity, have a great time, you never know, he might do it first :)

Kardamom's avatar

@m0r60n As long as your parents are completely aware of what is going on, then it’s probably ok. I hope that you do invite your BF over to your house, if you haven’t already. He should be seen and known by your parents on a regular basis. Have him come over for lunch on a weekend, or for dinner on a week night. Have him come to your house and study (with the door open).

If the school is ok with holding hands in public (like at lunch time) then I would certainly give it a try there. And definitely at the dance. I think you will figure out pretty quickly if he wants to hold your hand or not, if he doesn’t then that is going to be a problem. I think you should just take his hand. It sounds like he may be too scared to take yours first.

m0r60n's avatar

@lemming, thanks, everyone says i’m really mature about certain things, and i look at everything carefully. i wouldn’t jump in and make out with him or anything (haa), because i’m not like that, i wouldn’t make out with anyone PERIOD even when I’m older, because i’m better than that.

@Kardamom, i actually don’t know if i can invite Wyatt over to my house because i don’t know if HIS parents are cool with it. i plan on talking to him about if his parents allow it, that’s why i haven’t asked for his number or gave him mine because if his parents don’t allow it then i don’t want to get him in “trouble”, lol. i can hold his hand at lunch time, teachers don’t pay attention and really don’t care. and yes, i think he is too scared to take my hand first. and i think that if i just DO IT, things would be a whole lot easier.

Kardamom's avatar

@m0r60n You should definitley make sure his parents are totally aware of what is going on and that they are ok with it. You should have his phone number and he should have yours. Your parents should also have these phone numbers and they should meet and talk to each other. Anything short of this is just too secretive. You may be very smart, but you are still 13 and all of this situation needs to be known by all of the parents, not just yours.

How will you both be getting to and from the dance? Will there be chaperones?

Most boys, after getting used to holding your hand, will eventually want to give you a kiss. I don’t see that as a problem, unless you will be doing it in private or continuing to the next level. You are way too young to do anything except hold hands and have a little kiss. But don’t be surprised that after holding hands that you and your BF would like to have a little kiss.

SavoirFaire's avatar

He’s probably thinking about it every 15 seconds or so but afraid you’ll pull your hand away or something. That would be so embarrassing that he’d have to go live under a rock in China for a year or two. If you grab his hand, he’ll likely be both thrilled and relieved.

(At least, that’s how I would have felt as a 13 year old boy.)

m0r60n's avatar

@Kardamom, oh I know, and my mom says that I need to be aware that he will eventually maybe try to lean in and kiss me, and she says that ok if I kiss him back, as long as we’re not making out. And yes, I’m ok with kissing him a little bit, just a small kiss. And no, I wouldn’t kiss in private because that makes me feel sneaky and secretive and I don’t like that. And I won’t be shocked, I’m prepared.
@SavoirFaire, everyone tells me that he will like it and be relieved. :)
OH, @Kardamom, I am going to make sure it’s okay with both parents, because it wouldn’t be right if only my parents knew. I’ll ask him if his parents know he’s dating and if he says no, I’ll encourage him to tell them to make sure they’re okay with it. And if they are, then I’ll let his parents talk to mine. :)

neongray's avatar

Just do it – then you’ll know how he feels. Simple as that!

m0r60n's avatar

@neongray, thanks I’ll do it.

gailcalled's avatar

keep in mind that there is a hand-holding etiquette. If you don’t let go and rest your hands from time to time, your hands will get sweaty, numb or uncomfortable. So he has to be with the same program that you are.

(Dating a boy for one day does not constitute having him as a boyfriend.)

Kardamom's avatar

@m0r60n About the hand holding etiquette, definitely make sure not to let your hands get sweaty by holding on constantly, let it be a natural give and take thing. And make sure that your hands are clean and your nails are clean and filed. And no chipped off nail polish. Better no nail polish at all then to have it look messy.

m0r60n's avatar

@Kardamom and @gailcalled , thanks, I know. Lol. I’m not clingy, haa. And I don’t wear nail polish, lol. And I keep my hands clean and my mom does my nails every Friday. :)

OpryLeigh's avatar

My boyfriend and I started off by linking arms in the early days of our relationship. It wasn’t too much of a public display of affection as friends can do it as well but after a little bit of time, whenever I would go to link his arm, he would automatically grab my hand.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You could start by, if you’re sitting on the floor, and he stands up first, extend your had for him to pull you up. When he does, hang on for just a second and give a little squeeze before you let go.

Brian1946's avatar

I understand your concerns about moving too fast.
Perhaps you could try wearing a latex glove or some other form of hand protection for your first time. ;-)

Smashley's avatar

Ahh to be young. When hanging out meant you were dating. When dating meant relationship. When commitment was unspoken. When you had no freaking idea what you were doing but it was exciting nonetheless.

What you’ll learn as you get older and more comfortable with dating and intimacy, is that you should just go for these things if you want them. Some things should be discussed, others don’t need to be. Holding hands is absolutely harmless. Friends do that. Families do that. Kindergarteners using the buddy system to go to the bathroom do that.

If he pulls away (which is pretty unlikely) it’s either because he doesn’t want to be seen holding your hand (which makes him a coward, but hey, you’re 13), or he doesn’t ever want to hold your hand for some crazy reason. If you’re reasonably sure that you’re friends with this fellow, just put your hand on his.

answerjill's avatar

Maybe for your first attempt at holding his hand, you should try it in a more private setting then the hallways of school or a dance. Do you ever go to the movies with him? If you are sitting next to him at the movies (or maybe watching one together at home), it should be easy enough to take his hand—especially if the movie is scary!

Eggie's avatar

You should just hold it. If he reacts as if he doesn’t want you to hold it then you should have a serious talk with him.

poisonedantidote's avatar

Just go for it, I’m sure he wants to hold hands, I’m so sure he wants to, that if you hold his hand and he lets go, I’ll personally cut off one of mine and mail it to you.

gailcalled's avatar

@poisonedantidote; Tom Lehrer, I’ll Hold Your Hand in Mine.

Make sure to listen to the lyrics at 45” and following.

littlebeck30's avatar

I’d say just go for it. Hold his hand. Then talk about it later that night, to make sure everything is okay.

m0r60n's avatar

@answerjill, LOL, no, I haven’t gone to the movies with him yet, and he doesn’t like scary things haa.

Winters's avatar

Hey if you’re really unsure of whether or not to hold his hand, ask him if he’d mind holding your hand. simple enough, and acting shy about it is highly recommended.

Gah, and you make me feel old with you having gone through 7 guys and only being 13 and I’m nearly 20. lol

m0r60n's avatar

Well at the dance, I tried to hug him, and he wouldn’t. He also wouldn’t hold my hand. It hurt my feelings, and I broke up with him.

SavoirFaire's avatar

His loss, @m0r60n. If he’s not comfortable with something so simple as a hug, he deserves to be kicked to the curb. He’ll regret it at some point.

Kardamom's avatar

@m0r60n Did this kid actually think that you were his girlfriend? Why did he say he wouldn’t hug you or hold your hand?

Just to let you know, it shouldn’t ever be that hard. This just wasn’t the right guy for you.

Sorry it didn’t work out, but don’t let that stop you from getting to know a new guy. And don’t worry about holding a new guy’s hand either. If you start dating another guy, talk to him and hold his hand sooner, rather than later.

And by dating, I don’t mean just hanging out together at school. You should always make sure that both your parents and his parents know that you are “dating” and that everybody has met and that everybody has each other’s phone numbers and that it is clear that you are a couple (or if you are just friends). The sooner that situations are made clear to all parties the easier it is for you to make decisions about how to move forward (like holding hands or breaking up if you find out he’s the wrong guy for you).

Are there any other guys that you are interested in? If not, just enjoy hanging out with your girlfriends, appreciate them, because they are the one’s that often get neglected when a girl has a boyfriend.

m0r60n's avatar

@SavoirFaire Thanks, I agree

@Kardamom He did know that I was his girlfriend. We walk together a lot and when people ask if we’re boyfriend/girlfriend, he says yes. I don’t know why he wouldn’t hug or hold my hand… It shouldn’t be that hard…

And I’m into this guy Jordan at my school, and everyone thinks we’re dating because (apparently) I get all giggly around him.

Yea, and even my best friend Jacob kept telling Wyatt that if he kept not talking to me and not hugging or holding my hand, that I would break up with him, but he didn’t listen.

Kardamom's avatar

@m0r60n Well it’s this Wyatt guys loss. He had the chance and he blew it. Now that you like this other fellow Jordan, just make sure that both of your parents know exactly what is going on and that they approve and that everybody has everybody’s phone number.

If you like this new guy and you think that he likes you and that you actually start dating, don’t wait so long to ask him how he feels about you. And if you want to hold his hand, just take it. You’ll find out really quickly whether he’s interested. But after the hand holding, take it slow and easy. Don’t put yourself into a situation where you are likely to get more than what you want. Don’t let anyone pressure you, ever!

I remember some of the pressure lines from my youth (said to girls by boys to get them to go further than holding hands)

Example: “Do you always do what your parents tell you to do? Come on, it won’t hurt you.”

Example: “Don’t be such a baby, everyone else does this.”

Example: “If you don’t want to do it, Melanie will, but don’t expect me to come back to you.”

Example: “If you really loved me, you’d do it.”

If any guys says anything like any of the above examples, just say no thanks, I guess we’re just not a good match, then leave.

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