How do I be a friend to someone I am interested in when they are coming out?

I don’t know what to tell you besides this: try not to behave any differently. Just keep on keepin’ on, and give him some time to figure out his issues.

I would imagine that people who are questioning their sexuality may need to “try out” being with someone of the same sex. Maybe he wants you to be the guinea pig, so to speak. The problem with that would be that it could affect your friendship.
Try not to pressure him, and let him discover himself at his own pace.

I’m sorry I don’t have a solution for you, but I don’t know that your situation has a cut-and-dried solution. Try to be a good friend without influencing him too much, and hope for the best.

You might find the organization Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays helpful: http://www.pflag.org/

They have a good section on coming out and helping those who are coming out.

Welcome to Fluther.

Not having been anywhere near your situation, or having anything other than a second-hand understanding of any gay issues at all, I have no advice to offer. But I wanted to say that this is one of the best questions from a new jelly that I’ve seen on Fluther so far.

I guess the best advice I could offer, in order to stay on topic, isn’t anything you don’t already know: continue to be friendly, non-pressuring, humorous and intelligent. And just to re-emphasize (and modify) what @Seelix said: Relationship issues never have a cut-and-dried solution, but reasonable people of good will usually manage to find workable resolutions. Good luck widdat.

And stick around.

Indeed – Welcome.

The unfortunate thing here is that I really think there is one thing you cannot do – attempt to date this guy. Whether or not you have feelings for him, the timing is all wrong. He’s got a couple years of it being, really, all about him – and I’m betting you’re past that…

You have to do your best to put any relationship prospects up on the shelf – the high one, and back behind a whole bunch of other stuff. Think about how you were when you were just coming out – were you ready for anything serious?

I think that if you try to have a relationship with him right now, it will be doomed.

So if you really like him, I would just tell him that, and then ask him to seek you out when he is ready for a relationship.

Until then, just stay friends with him.

If he’s questioning his sexuality, some of that could be tied to his twin coming out to him. Are they identical twins by chance? You need to give him space to figure this out on his own. He will, eventually.

They are not identical twins. I think that his brother being gay, and coming out is not helping the situation. I’m happy that he has his brother that he can talk to about this. Whether he will or not is a different story though.

I’m scared that he could be worried about how his parents will feel. He has no other siblings. Therefore, if he does end up coming out, his parents will not have grandkids. That was a big issue for my parents when I came out.

You obviously have a strong friendship for him to confide in you. Be there to support him, share the difficulties you faced in becoming comfortable with your sexuality but don’t try to direct his experience.
A loving friendship can lead to a satisfying relationship. Don’t change your attitude toward him. I’m betting he appreciates the light-hearted teasing that has colored your friendship so far. Just make sure he knows he can always come to you without pressure or judgement and best of luck to you both.

I agree with a lot of what’s been said so far. What sucks is that you like him, because that is going to make things more difficult for you. I would say that you are going to have to try to rein your emotions in. :\

It sounds like, with his life stuff on top of the coming out, that he’s going through a tumultuous time and it also sounds like he may not be relationship material right now. I think it’s far better to try to surrender your own desires here, and then go on to be as good a friend and confidante as you can. I would treat him like you did when you thought he was straight and you had no chance; be there to talk to and to answer questions, be company and a support if he’s ever curious about going to gay bars, and most importantly, keep the pressure off and expect nothing.

I am the kind of person who can see all sorts of possibilities in a situation, so, it’s not like it’s an impossibility that things will feel right and spontaneously happen. I just think that it’s best for you to take a step or two back for your own protection, emotionally. Be a friend, hang out, don’t push, don’t direct his experience, as @Blueroses said, and give it plenty of time… then, see what happens.

“Think about how you were when you were just coming out – were you ready for anything serious?” That statement made me stop and think. I’m guessing it’s different for men coming out than it is women. When I was first coming out, it was because of a relationship that was a first for both of us. A relationship, focusing on one person, was far less scary for me, personally. But I am a lesbian and you know lesbians and U-Hauls..

I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me before, but… have him create his own Fluther account and solicit stories from the disparate collection of jellies who have had and answered questions about their own sexuality.

I’ve always been curious, myself, to know how and when people realized that they weren’t what they might have thought they were, sexual-preference-wise, anyway, and what they did to determine an answer to their own questions. But it would be better if he asks the question his own way, and gets answers directed to himself.

Why not be straight with him (or rather, gay with him) and ask him how you can be a friend to him while he is questioning? You can tell you are interested in more but don’t want to invade his boundaries or affect his search, but you would like to help in way you can. Do realize that your friendship may be affected by the results of his decision.

Welcome to Fluther! This is a wonderful community for exploring issues of sex and gender.

I think for most people the possibility always exists. Some choose to ignore it, some choose to explore it. I think (hope) that he realizes that we are good together. He has probably been tossing this around in his head for awhile now. It’s not like it just hit him at midnight that the possibility of him being gay occurred, and he decided the first thing he would do about it was to tell me.

The fact that he is questioning it leads me to believe that he has feelings for me, because I do not think this would be occurring were it not for me being in his life. Maybe not. I don’t know.

I feel like I have a very narrow line to walk here. He knows I want more than just friendship. I don’t want him to think that I am pressuring him in any way. At the same time, something I’ve wanted for awhile now is within my grasp, and I don’t want to let it slip between my fingers.

I’m currently awaiting a phone call from him. We are supposed to talk some more today.

Sounds like you’re handling it well. Good luck with a tricky situation. The fact that you work together may complicate things as they proceed too.

@ncash02 I would not be making the assumption that “for most people the possibility always exists” [the possibility of being gay or bisexual, I’m assuming].

I’ve never inquired too closely into my friends’ and colleagues’ sexual histories, so I have no idea what games and experiments they may have been involved with at any point in their history, but I’m sure that if I had to bet I would win far more than I lost that “it never entered their heads” that they would be “other than what they are now”. There’s a few where I might lose the bet and not be too surprised. There’s probably a few more that I would lose the bet and be very surprised. But I think I’d make a lot of money on that bet, overall.

No, I don’t think that “most” people have any question about this. Clearly, your friend does; perhaps you did. Maybe it’s a more common occurrence among the non-heterosexual community; I just don’t know.

@ncash02 : You wrote, “The fact that he is questioning it leads me to believe that he has feelings for me, because I do not think this would be occurring were it not for me being in his life. Maybe not. I don’t know.”

You’re right about one thing in that paragraph: you don’t know. If he is gay, he would have these questions whether he ever met you or not.

You have a very tricky situation here. I won’t pretend to know what the answer is. I will only tell you that you should walk very carefully.

@CyanoticWasp, let me clarify what I meant.

I agree that you would definitely win money on that bet. I did not mean to imply that most people have non-heterosexual tendencies. I’ve never been with a woman, and definitely don’t plan on it.

I just meant that for a single person, the possibility exists that they might meet someone that may alter their perception of who they are, or what they could become. In the same vein, maybe one day I will meet a woman that will make me think twice about my sexuality.

@hawaii_jake I agree with you wholeheartedly.