I've been dating a girl for roughly a month, yesterday she hit me with some info, need advice?

If it’s high or low is up to you. But just remember – many or most of those partners may have been when she was much younger. Same with the married man. If she’s evolved since then, it wouldn’t change my opinion of her.

That’s for you to decide, not random strangers.

Our feelings are irrelevant. You may want to take things slowly and re-evaluate in several months.

As @papayalily wisely suggests, the girl may have been young and stupid. Perhaps she has reformed or rethought her behavior.

And she did tell you. That was a choice; she could have simply not mentioned it.

I don’t think how many people she’s slept with is any kind of indication of whether or not she’s trustworthy. The only red flag here, in my opinion, is the fact that she knowingly slept with a married man. However, like @papayalily said, she may have been a lot younger when that happened, and she may feel completely differently about her actions now. You could always ask her, “How does it make you feel knowing that you slept with a married man?”. She told you, so she’s willing to talk about it. As long as you’re not mean and you ask nicely, she’ll probably be honest about her feelings on the matter.

Was there a period of time that accounts for the majority of her partners? I went to school with a girl who was up to 25 partners by the end of our senior year. I personally had a fairly promiscuous couple of years during my late teens, but that feels like ancient history now.

The married man is another issue. Maybe she was too young to understand the significance of marriage. If she was older, I would question her values, but I would definitely make an attempt to discuss it with her.

For me…. that might be too much…...... For you…. I dunno, is it?

I really wouldn’t let the number of her sexual partners stand in the way of a potentially great relationship. Sex is natural, people have it. I dated someone for six years who had slept with about 30 people, and I was a virgin. It was a little awkward for me, but I didn’t let it stop me from starting a relationship with him. The amount of people he had sex with doesn’t define who he is.

Okay, she’s been “lending from the library” & now it seems she may be keen to “buy a new book.” That’s fine, isn’t it? No need to read more into it than is necessary. Your decision however.

If I were you, I would ask her if she thought that was a lot of partners. Her answer might tell you a lot about her.

Maybe she’s had some abuse in her past and that is why she was “promiscuous.” If that’s the case, hopefully she’s had some treatment and come to terms with it and has no interest in having any other partners except you for the rest of her life.

Maybe she is a bit of a nymphomaniac, in that case I would definitely worry if she’d be able to stay faithful to you. Or if she’s interested in only a monogamous relationship with you, you might have to have an extremely high sex drive to satisfy her. In this case, it might be wise to seek some pre-marital counseling to find out what both of your needs are and if she needs to get some type of treatment to tone down her “needs.”

Or she might have had multiple partners because that was the “expected thing to do” amongst her peers. This would be a red flag too, because if she just does what the crowd expects her to do, she might not be good at making smart decisions on her own.

Or she may have abandonment issues and she slept with lots of guys (and married men) because she’s never actually found anyone who loved her before you.

So remain calm and talk to her about this in a non-confrontational manner. Let her know that it concerns you a little bit, but make sure you find out if she is really interested in a monogamous relationship with you (because it’s important, and hopefully, imperative) for you. And find out if there are any problems/issues that need to be worked out with a therapist.

And if you have had a lot of partners, think of the reasons why (are your reasons the same as hers)?

How she answers the question about whether she thinks there have been a lot or too many partners will tell you a great deal about how your relationship will progress from this point. In the meantime, make sure that you are both tested for STD’s and use multiple methods of birth control to be on the safe side.

Or maybe she just likes sex. 25 isn’t a big number for guys. Why should it be for girls?

You asked the question so it looks like it means something to you. Personally, I don’t think a partner’s history means anything as long as they’re committed to me if I’m committed to them, and they don’t have an existing STD. I’d ask her to go with you for a test, if it’s clean I feel the same about her. If she needs treatment I’d feel the same about her. You have to make your own call.

Thanks for the advice everyone, you’ve all brought up some good points to discuss. Yesterday she seemed really annoyed that I even asked questions in the first place, so i’m a little nervous to bring it up again. I personally have only been with 15 girls, im 26, and I dont think thats too too bad. But as of late, both of us have become more emotionally bonded I guess, and those things just really threw me for a loop, particularly the knowingly having sex with a married man one. She said that it was with a guy that she was “in love” with in high school, and they met years later and what happened happened. To me, this still doesnt make it ok and it does in fact, make me question how much she really believes in the sanctity of marriage. I really do see this girl as possible wife material, but man this is bothering the hell outta me.

@aschmidt6 Hm. Her “what happened, happened” comment would probably worry me a little, as well. If she shows no signs of regret or remorse about possibly ruining a marriage, I don’t see that as a good sign. However, don’t take that to be what she means, necessarily. Everyone, for the most part, is perfectly aware that they are judged not only by their sexuality, but also by the number of sexual partners. So when the topic was brought up, she may have been naturally defensive, simply because she’s had to be before.

That said, I definitely think you need to address your concerns with her – simply because there’s no reason not to. But you need to make sure that you can do so in a mature and calm manner. I do wonder, though… Does she know that you think of her as possible marriage material? Many people might find that kind of topic too serious only a month into a relationship.

@drasticdreamer, good point about the marriage thing, but I think all men at some point look at the partner they’re currently with and wonder if they’d make a good mother for their children, its how we measure our admiration of someone I think. Fact is, i’ve dated ALOT. I know the qualities that I appreciate in a woman, the first thing that I noticed about her is the fact that shes a great mother, she is a single mom of a 5 year old. Shes selfless, caring, and just an all around good person, and to be honest, thats what I want out of a girl, hence where I think that she has wife potential down the road, not necessarily in the next 6 months.

@DrasticDreamer I agree that “some people might find that kind of topic too serious only a month into a relationship” but that would be the best time to find these things out. He has realized he cares for her, so this is the time to start finding out these things, before he is head over hills in love, then finds out she has things that he doesn’t care for and has to break it off a year or so later.

@chyna No, yeah… I absolutely agree. I only asked because whether or not she feels that way is important, too.

@chyna, couldnt have said it better myself.

If you judged me that harshly by my past instead of my present, I’m not sure I’d think you were husband material.

@papayalily In all fairness, he’s questioning it, and seeking answers. He didn’t write her off completely, he’s seeking advice. Which, to me, is a good sign. But if he does judge her based on the numbers alone, then yeah, I agree with you.

@drasticdreamer, see thats the thing, the “L” word hasnt even been brought up yet, so its definitely wayy too early to get to that point. Shes very coy with her emotions, shes extremely hard to read and I attribute that to the fact that shes been through some rough times, in particular, her ex husband, like myself, is in the military. When he was overseas, he cheated on her, so shes naturally going to be a bit guarded when it comes to being emotionally transparent.

@papayalilly,/drasticdreamer i’m not judging her on numbers at all, I’m just on the fence as to her trustworthiness, i’ve had trust issues in the past and thought I had all but conquered that problem, and I dont want to sink back into that crap, its a dark, depressing place when you’re constantly worried about what your significant other is doing behind your back. Especially when you’re a soldier and face deployments from time to time.

In an of itself, the number of partners is irrelevant. The who she slept with is also irrelevant. I mean, if you want to get into who they all were and how long their dicks are and how hot they were, you might as well forget it. Usually, this worry on the part of the man is a kind of competitive or insecure thing. She’s had a lot of experience. Will I match up?

There are things that would worry me more, and I do think it is relevant to learn about past relationships. How many of the guys were one night stands or just quick things? How long did the longer ones last? How did she meet them and why did she break up with them.

If there are a lot of one-night stands with guys she met that night at the bar, then I would be very concerned. Not about her morals, but about her mental health. As @Kardamom said, she could have been abused. A lot of people who have been hurt in childhood spend a good portion of their adulthoods “acting out.” It is a way of trying to feel better (it gives a high better than the high from any other drug) and to cover over feelings of low self-esteem.

Does she drink much? Does she like to go to bars? How did you meet her? Has she ever been in counseling? Do you know what for?

What you want to do is to understand more about her past, and then see if she is past it. If she is past it, then it doesn’t matter. If she is not past it, is she working on it? If she’s working on it and you can support her, then the past is not a problem.

From what you’ve said about her (precious little) it sounds like she is a different person. Perhaps motherhood has settled her down. Perhaps she has just matured for any number of reasons.

But you know what? These are things you’d want to know about any potential partner. You are involved with her and you have the information to make your assessment. Or you can get it. You probably have some interesting facts about your past that she’ll want to find out about. It goes both ways.

The number of past sex partners is not what is important here. It’s her past that is important and how she has run relationships in the past. It’s the preset and what she has learned from her past. I bet she has a lot of stories. I bet it will be fun learning about her. I think you’ll find that she’s been doing her homework, so to speak.

@DrasticDreamer Yeah, I can see that, but he needs to actually get beyond it. I’ve done tons of shit (and by shit, I mean people) that I don’t see as my best moment (and if I believed in shame or regrets, I definitely would). They aren’t who I am now.

Let’s say she was a virgin till she was 18 that still only 3.5 partners a year. Plus people grow up a lot between the teen years and 25 years old. I think you should look at the quality of woman she is today. I also don’t get where her sexual past has anything to do with trust. Seems like she was willing to share this information with you and she took a huge step towards trusting you with her past….don’t use it against her.

@papayalily Yeah, I agree with you. I’m ashamed of some things I did in the past, too. But I’m not that person anymore either, so I definitely see where you’re coming from.

@aschmidt6 I think, based on all you’ve said, that you should definitely give things with her more time. You clearly like her, you think she’s a good parent, and a good person in general. That’s good stuff right there, and hard to come by. The more time you give it, the more comfortable she’ll become with you, and the easier it’ll be for her to open up to you. If she feels the same way about you, she’s probably also wondering if you’re trustworthy. Just enjoy her company and let things happen naturally. Talking with her and being honest from the beginning is absolutely important, so don’t be afraid to continue asking questions – as long as you’re doing it to get to know her, and not because you’re trying to judge her. Wait for the details to decide.

thanks for the advice everyone, shes making me dinner tomorrow night and I have a feeling that we’ll have an in depth conversation about a few things, i’ll let you all know how it turns out and what plans I’ll have going forward.

I think you need to look at your reaction. You have a good relationship and good sex.

Why are you letting what happened in her past affect your present and future?

You admit to having slept with more than 10 women. What’s the difference? Does who you slept with or how many affect your feelings about her?

Then why would who she slept with in the past affect her feelings about you?

Don’t become obsessive about this—it will ruin your relationship.

1 partner or 100 partners does not matter. “Has she been tested for Hep and HIV?” does.
Sure, she might have turned her life around. That’s great. Everyone deserves a second, third, or fourth chance. But you should know if you are getting involved with someone infected with an incurable disease. It will affect your life forever.

I would look at your feelings about this as an indicator that you should take this relationship slowly, and not do anything rash or impetuous. You cannot change the past of another person, but you’re going to want to have a solid idea of what she’s like and where her life is going before you commit to her. If you’ve been dating for a month, your feelings are more infatuation.

It’s all about how you feel about it. For me personally, 25 partners would be way too many. My hubby and I have both only had 5 partners, including each other. I’m more of a prude when it comes to that.

The good thing is that she told you this. By now she may have known it would bother you. She may have told you so you would leave her and make it easy. A lot of explanations. The fact that she slept with a married man is the biggie. That says she has no respect for marriage. If you are asking if she is wife material, I would say no.

I really don’t understand this question.
You think she isn’t trustworthy because she told you the truth? Should she have just lied?
People do stupid things. We all fall short. Simply ask if she will continue doing these things, and if she says no, believe her. It took guts for her to be so honest with you.

Give her a chance. I’m 22 and I’ve had 18 sexual partners, two of which had girlfriends (I know it was wrong) and I would make a great girlfriend/mother/wife.

This is a tough question to answer, since we are strangers to the girl and you are not.

My answer is based not on my experiences, but rather that of a female friend of the family. she use to be a stripper. a lot goes along with that occupation and i am sure your girl is not in this category…....or is she? my female friend has dated men after men after men. she has two great daughters. how many times did my female friend have sex with different partners? i do not have a clue. but, i can tell you where she stands in her life, now. she has been married and divorce three times. her past always come back to haunt her. every man she has married, has had to come to her rescue, once a “jon” has been discovered.

In conclusion, your girlfriends track record amazes me. not from just how many men she has been with, but the fact she is bragging about it to you. is this the kind of girl you want to marry? one has to wonder why she just now has decided to tell you this hot information, right? you may could live with this, but not ol’ john. if she told you sex with 25 different men, the truth is she meant to say at least 50.

I would give some very strong consider of the facts surrounding her, before i even gave it a thought to take her home to meet your parents. i smell trouble down the road with her and i will bet you $50 there is a whole lot more she hiding from you.

No, Thank you!

@john65pennington Dude, what did you mother do to you to make you think that all women are such sneaking, conniving, manipulative shrews?

Papayalily, mom had nothing to do with it. its just life experiences and passing it on to a guy i would hope would not be hurt by this kind of woman.

@john65pennington Well, something happened to make you think that all women are Machiavellian whores…

I had one wild year in my teens. That lifestyle tore my soul apart and I abandoned it.
I later met a guy I thought was “the one.”
He left me and broke my heart to the core. (this was all 30+ years ago.)
A few years ago he called and wanted me to leave my husband for him.
It was funny how he was so focused on my sexual history. I told him it was one year in a little girls life. I couldn’t believe, that in my 40’s I was still being defined by what I did when I was 15, and in the course of probably 6 months.
Ask her how she feels about her history. See if she has a “story” of why she took sex as lightly as she did and find out if she still feels the same way.
If your values going forward are in sync, give the girl a break. We have all done things we regret.
He obviously regretted judging me so harshly back then and something about me haunted him for 30 years.

she was honest. keep growin in love and see if it the best thing ever!!