General Question

krose1223's avatar

How do you forgive?

Asked by krose1223 (3254points) January 5th, 2011

It seems impossible to me. Is it a process? How is it done? I don’t really stay mad, but when my trust is lost I feel like it is literally impossible to get it back.

My husband has slowly over time lost my trust and I genuinely want to forgive him and move on. He made a mistake that was not a deal breaker for me, but it hurt me… and I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. I want to, but I don’t know how to do it. I love him and I want to get through this, but I feel like I am hindering our relationship because I don’t trust him, so it seems impossible to move forward and I am just constantly in a bad mood because I’m so stressed from all of this.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

16 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Rarely. With some people it’s easier than others – it’s about feeling their genuine remorse. I am not one to believe one just must forgive for their own sake as I am perfectly capable of moving on from a situation and yet never forgiving another because I believe my lack of forgiveness is a part of their punishment, especially if there is no remorse.

jacklynch70's avatar

If you don’t forgive, you’re torturing yourself. Why torture yourself when it’s the other party who faulted?

hotgirl67's avatar

Every body makes mistakes because we are human.Only our divine creator is truly perfect.Forgiveness happens when you choose to not carry the issue withyou any longer. It happens one day at a time.You might not like what the person has done but deep down can still love them.Ultimately its up to you whether you choose to forgive your husband or not.I f you do decide to forgive him your relationship will not go back to what it used to be right away. It will require work from both of you so that the relationship becomes stronger

troubleinharlem's avatar

The best advice about forgiveness is something I heard once in a Madea movie, which I’ll share with you:

“A lot of times we don’t wanna acknowledge what we’ve done. When you don’t forgive somebody, you give them power over your life. They’re sleeping at night and you’re walking around, remembering everything that they’ve done.

The longer you hold on, to the pain and the past and the hurt, the longer you hold yourself back from being free.

Forgiveness is not for them.
It is for you.”

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

They say time heals all wounds. That is far from the truth. For me anyway. Time is about the only thing that can help though. Of course your husband being transparent would help. Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild. I feel for you. It is so hard to let go of hurt that someone gave you. Especially a spouse. Good luck.

Cruiser's avatar

IMO you are not trusting yourself. What ever your hubby did, IMO you are doubting yourself as to why he would go off and do whatever it was that obviously hurt you. There may be many reasons….painful and maybe not so obvious reasons you and he need to acknowledge either to reconcile this breaking of your trust or to finally accept and move on.

casheroo's avatar

This has come at a good time.
I do think you can forgive, but I think it honestly takes a lot of time to not feel the pain.

YARNLADY's avatar

Forgiveness and trust are two entirely different things. I have a sister that I have had to forgive for her transgressions, but I will never trust her again.

blueiiznh's avatar

Forgiveness is not for them, but for you. It is acceptance that it happened and you cant change it. holding onto something will eat you alive.
It is about letting go.
You can either accept that things won’t change and what do you do because of that fact.or accept that it was a mistake and trust it will not occur again.
You have to make a move and not be stuck on the fence of the past, nor fearful of the future.

I can suggest a process you and or your SO can do to possibly take things down to a core and try to rise again. If you do it, dedicate 1–2 hours for this one simple task. Answer one simple question. Take a notebook, go to a quiet place (each of you at same time but seperate spaces if both doing it). Open your notebook and with pen and a box of kleenex in hand write all you can for more than an hour, but no more than 90 minutes. It may take time to come to you to write any answers. When they come, write them all down.
Afterwards, take a 30 minute break. Swap notebooks if doing together and reflect on your answers.
Write this simple question at the top of the page and let it sink in and dig down and put your answers to paper: “Why do I want to go on living”?
I hope and pray that you find the answers you need.

filmfann's avatar

Forgiveness is a quality often found with religion, since we all fall short of perfection.

majapl's avatar

When you forgive – you give to your husband unrepeatable chance to change for the better.

blueiiznh's avatar

@majapl very well said

krose1223's avatar

Thanks so much for your answers… I’m trying to do this and I am feeling very optimistic. I will take to heart everything you all said. :)

choreplay's avatar

Couple questions for reflection: Are you being transparent with him about where you are in trusting him? Does he have a humble attitude and realize that trust is earned and not just entitled to him? If you answered yes to both of these than your in a good place if not than you might need to think about counseling. Two books might help you, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and Bold Love by Dan Allander. Oh ya one more, never read it but Harriet Lerner has another book called The Dance of Intimacy.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar


First, you say it aloud.
I forgive so and so for thus and so. Over and over and over and over and over and over

Then something HAPPENS and you actually DO.
The decision if FIRST, NOT the feeling of it.

and it’s for YOU, not them

beccalynnx's avatar

I forgive often.Possibly even more than i should.
I figure, Why hold a grudge? It more than likely doesn’t bother them as much as it does. Let it go, get it out, be healthy and (a little bit) sane again.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther