General Question

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

BF of 18 months spends hours a day texting ex-gf. Says he has never loved anyone like he loves her but that they are no longer together. Is this healthy?

Asked by PatronSaintOfLostSouls (109points) January 10th, 2011

My BF has PTSD from tragic loses in a short period of time in his immediate family. A gal who lives several thousand miles away was his HS crush and he dated her briefly after his divorce. She broke it off with him and they had little to no contact for a couple of years. She recently started talking to him again after a tragic loss of her own. It has been 6 months and he texts her every day and makes no bones that she is the great love of his life. I told him to go back to her and do what it takes to win her back and I would step aside. He said she didn’t want him and they were just BFFs. I don’t think constant contact with her is healthy. I think it distracts him from our relationship (or any future relationship he may endeavor to undertake) but given the mental health issues with PTSD I don’t think he will stop on his own. Am I going to get crushed under the weight of his inability to let this woman go?

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39 Answers

chyna's avatar

Any time that a fixation like that is taking away from your relationship, it is, in its own way, cheating. It’s cheating you out of time with your bf and if he is spending time thinking of her, then his heart isn’t in the relationship with you. This is not a healthy relationship for you. I would think long and hard about where it is going, and probably end it with him.

Welcome to Fluther.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

It is mature and good of you to encourage him to be with the one he considers to be his great love. You, however, deserve to be with your great love and not with your partner.

Summum's avatar

I would let him go to her and find one that will give you his all. Good Luck

CyanoticWasp's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

It’s probably not particularly healthy to him, but he’s doing it without coercion, so there’s not much you can say there. And it’s probably only marginally helpful to her – texting isn’t the same as talking to a real counselor who’s present in the room with you.

It’s certainly not healthy to your relationship with him. I think you made the best overture to him that you could. Maybe you need to act on your advice to him: go find the love of your life.

Dog's avatar

He has been very up front and honest with you. But you are not being honest with yourself.

He is NOT available. He is in love with someone else. Whether or not she will have him has nothing to do with it. Whether or not his relationship with her is healthy is not really the point here.

You are worthy of the adventure of true love with a soul mate. Why are you tying yourself to an impossible relationship so that you cannot be free to live your own destiny?

Seriously you deserve so much more. Don’t you think you deserve someone who loves you and thinks of you as the love of their life?

He will be okay in all this. He is on the path he has chosen. You will not be okay on his path because you will always be second fiddle to the one that got away, who is yet still present taking his time and attention.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@CyanoticWasp Thanks. Unfortunately I do believe to this point in time he probably is my great love. But I am not naive and I am not stupid. I would rather be alone then with someone who is hurting me or isn’t returning my love.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@chyna Cheating. Wow. Never would have used that word. But I see the point completely. Thanks. It is difficult to advise yourself some days. And this is one of those days for me.

Dog's avatar

@PatronSaintOfLostSouls With all due respect- he is not your soul mate. We all go through a lot of ones that we consider the love of our lives- but the soul mate, once found, makes them all look like nothing.

Have faith.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@Dog It is just so hard to see that from this point of view and this point in time. Guess you don’t subscribe to “loving the one your with” then? Don’t want to turn into Don Quixote but also need to realize there is nothing here for us.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@PatronSaintOfLostSouls I agree with @Dog – the person who is your soul mate will reciprocate your love with the same intensity – this person you’re with me may be a love of yours but there can be others.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Thanks. It is so difficult to believe emotionally but I know it intellectually.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@PatronSaintOfLostSouls Well, of course it’s difficult – first of all, you’re ‘in it’ (in that you’re not removed from the situation) and second of all, how can you be sure of what the future holds? All I can tell you is that I was in a marriage that wasn’t all stars and fireworks and I decided I deserved better and left. So do you deserve better, keep it as a mantra.

janbb's avatar

@PatronSaintOfLostSouls The question for you is more what is it doing to you than what it is doing to him. That is what you have control over.

Cruiser's avatar

Misery loves company…I would be prepared to see and hear more of her from him.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@janbb I guess it is hurting me and I can only a. let him know and b. take steps to end it to stop my own pain. Thanks.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@cruiser you are killing me here:-) She already blocked me from FB. That was a bonus. But of course if I don’t leave and leave soon, it will be more about her all the time. UGH.

Cruiser's avatar

@PatronSaintOfLostSouls I had one walk on me to go commiserate with her wayward friends. Much easier for her to feel better about herself around other miserable people! It was hard to understand, but she made it easy to let go. I feel bad for you!

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PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@noelleptc Yeah, he would have had to tell her to do it. She wouldn’t know who I was otherwise. I never met her. He would have had to tell her about me. I was happy because she kept popping up as a recommended friend and it was getting on my nerves. Be gentle. I am close to 40 so this may be a social gaffe I am unfamiliar with. . .

marinelife's avatar

Run, don’t walk away.

He is telling you that this woman commands his attention not you with his words and his actions.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@marinelife Thanks. Stuck with him for 4 weeks until he can go home. I guess I will just tell him the truth and figure out how to make it as painless as possible and then move on. I do appreciate the candor and direct style.

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

Hell I may just show him this posting. I spoke my mind and would not be embarrassed for him to know I stated everything I have stated here. Maybe that is the starting point for coming to a resolution. I’ll give that some thought tonight.

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josie's avatar

Dump him. He’s a loser. You probably are not a loser. Unless you put off dumping him.

Dog's avatar

By showing him this posting you are again trying to dodge reality.

Do you think he will react in some positive way? That there is even a relationship to salvage?

40 is an awesome age to find your soul mate. Seek men without excuses or emotional issues. Your soul mate is out there. If you stay in this dysfunctional relationship you will only have what you see now. You are convenient. You are allowing yourself to be used.
Can we raise funds to get you a bus ticket home?

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@Dog You are funny. I actually spit out my coffee when I read that. Ok, ok. I am getting it. I will shell out the 150 bucks and ship his tired ass back home.

perspicacious's avatar

It’s healthy for him. You staying with him doesn’t seem healthy for you.

choreplay's avatar

Draw the line in the sand. As much as I don’t like them Ulimatums have their time and place. The words you use is, “It’s important to me that you _________, and if you can’t I will need to ________. Good luck, this is not healthy or acceptable and you need to find the great love in your life.

chyna's avatar

Wait, what? He is at your place, eating your food, sitting on your couch, drinking your drinks, sleeping in your bed while he is texting another woman? OMG, send his a$$ home. Tomorrow! How much disrespect can you take?

PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

@chyna Apparently a lot. It is that bad, isn’t it. I am that clueless. Put a fork in me. I am done.

Dog's avatar

When you find your soul mate I will dance at your wedding.

Just a saying. Not stalker talk ;)

tranquilsea's avatar

Unrequited love suuuucks. My heart goes out to you.

I hope your transition to singledom is as gentle as possible and he is gentleman about leaving.

jca's avatar

he lives there or he is staying there? My advice to you is FUCK HIM – drop that motherfucker like a hot potato. that’s bullshit, and pardon my language. i am not usually so foul mouthed, but he’s in your house and such a disrespectful asshole that he is texting another woman and saying he loves her and all that crap? I am shaking my head, baffled that you put up with this. He must not be too smart to be acting this way, with one woman who loves him and dissing her like this.

jca's avatar

have been re-reading @PatronSaintOfLostSouls‘s stuff. Re: the FB stuff, you wrote “he would have had to tell her about me.” You mean she does not know about you?

As far as him being in your house for four more weeks, and you breaking up with him, that is going to be very uncomfortable, and maybe risky – if he wants revenge he may take something or mess with your stuff. better to break up with him and have him leave immediately. be firm. don’t start this conversation and then wimp out and let him stay, because it’s not going to be good news or a pleasant atmosphere, plus if he’s got any kind of brain, he is going to use that time together to try to change your mind and tell you he is done with her. have more respect for yourself and dump that loser.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Shipping him home and letting him finish playing this out in person is really what he needs. With the PTSD, he is not going to be able to get past thinking about himself and have anything thing in him to give to you. They need to deal with each other face-to-face, and they need to be each other’s emotional responsibility.

Once you get through sorting this out, you will be in such a better place. I wish you innner peace.

blueiiznh's avatar

This is completely unacceptable behavior on his part, PTSD diagnosis or not.
It is an emotionaly connection that is taking energy from your relationship.
If you ever read or heard the analogy of the hard work that couples need to make is like a bank. These are certainly not making deposits, but heavy withdrawal of what a relationship needs.
You are certainly to be commended on your unselfish mature actions in telling him to go find and retrieve it. If he justifies this action as ok because of whatever circumstances he is stating, what will he come up with for the next person he does this with.
In my opinion, there is no room for this in a relationship. You are already working hard with hopefully meds and therapy for a diagnosis. What more do you need to add to this.
You have a right and say in what is acceptable for you. Think out what can work and what can’t work for you. Draw a line in the sand, make sure he knows what activity you can’t accept and then follow through on your wishes and needs.

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PatronSaintOfLostSouls's avatar

Thanks @jca I will be careful to have a plan of action before instigating the end

@blueiiznh @BarnacleBill Thank you for the kind words and helpful advice

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