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tchur1's avatar

Should I question my adult daughter on why she hasn't called when she emailed me 15days ago that she would call that week? She even promised that she would be better about calling.

Asked by tchur1 (25points) January 10th, 2011

I haven’t called her because I don’t want her to think I am interfering or giving her any quilt trip. I just know she often says she’s going to do something but never follows through.

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24 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

Perfectly reasonable. You are her mother, after all. Call her.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Don’t make it sound like you are “questioning” her, just being interested in her life.

Taciturnu's avatar

A simple “Hi hon. Just checking in on you. I miss/love you,” should suffice.

You can call her and not give her a guilt trip. I can’t imagine she’d be upset with you calling to say hello.

Aubs427's avatar

How old is she?

tchur1's avatar

She’s 30 years old.

Kardamom's avatar

You should as her mother be able to call her up to see how she’s doing. You can just say, “Hi Hon, just checking up to see whether everything’s ok, since I haven’t heard from you.”

I just hope she’s not one of those daughters who is trying specifcally not to call you because she wants to be “independent” or in the worst case scenario, that you have been guilty of calling her too much.

I have relatives who say they will call, then they don’t. It’s very annoying. I’m guessing that that is the only problem you’ve got going on here. If that’s the case, next time you actually see her (maybe not during a phone call) just say, “Honey, you know I love you and I worry about you when I don’t hear from you on a regular basis. I dont want to nag you or intrude on your life, but it would really give me peace of mind if you and I could decide on a day or time, say once a week (or once a day if you think that is better) or once a month if you can stand it (I couldn’t) when you would check in with me. Otherwise, I just worry. Or if it’s better for you, could we pick the time and I’ll call you instead?”

tchur1's avatar

No, I don’t call her often because I don’t think she wants me to. She officially moved out last year several states away. During her late 20’s she was working with a touring company so lived many places throught the US.

tchur1's avatar

Thanks, Kardamom, for the good advice.

Kardamom's avatar

I can’t imagine not talking to my mom everyday. One of my cousins and her daughter can’t imagine not talking to each other several times a day.

That ol’ “independence” thing can be a real nuisance. Good luck mama : )

Baddreamer27's avatar

I have been living away from home since highschool and I’m 27. My job takes me all over the world. I might talk to my mom once or twice a month. Its not because I dont care or I think she is interfering, its simply because life gets busy. When I do call we catch up on everything and talk for a couple hours sometimes. I would say give her a call. If she doesnt answer, just leave a simple message to say hi and you were thinking of her-but dont ask her to call you back. Your message and missed call are clue enough and should stick in her mind to call you back soon.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I have five grown children, three of whom are daughters. I learned some time ago that they will either call because they are thinking of me, or they won’t because they aren’t. Face it… if a grown child doesn’t call, it’s usually because they have too much going on in their own life to think very often of you. It’s kind of sad, but very true.

tchur1's avatar

I would like to tell my daughter that even though she lives about 900 miles away, it woud make me feel close to her if her dad and I could talk a little more often. She is my only daughter.
I actually think she’s going through something in her own life. She was adopted at three months and she’s always grown up knowing that. I’m just wondering if she’d like to pursue her birth mother, etc. I’ve never mentioned that to her and she’s never brought it up.

skfinkel's avatar

@tchur1 This last fact about her “going through something” is an important piece of your question. Sometimes grown children do have times when they are sorting things out, and they might not call you as often as they once did. Perhaps she just needs some space to figure out her life. It would seem that this is something you can ask her—like would she like some space or not. If not, not calling might just be carelessness, and it would be nice (if somewhat late) for her to learn that it is a nice and supportive thing for her to do—it makes you happy and that should be enough of a reason to do it.

Coloma's avatar

I don’t see anything wrong with addressing the lack of follow through, but as suggested, keep it light, more of an emphasis on your feelings rather than her lack of follow through.

My daughter is 23 and lives 20 minutes from me, but, we may go a week or more without talking due to busy schedules and stuff.

It always balances out, maybe talk every day, get together 3 times in a week, then famine for a few weeks.

I too am conscious of not calling all the time because it’s easy to do.

I agree, the last thing I EVER want to do is become the guilt tripping mom. No thanks…we just launched the rocket of equality these past few years, I am still basking in the jet stream. lol

tchur1's avatar

She has emailed me throughout the year that she is trying to figure everything out.
She finally was successful in getting a decent job. She is living with a guy which I know about but her dad doesn’t. The reason is that her dad grew up in a generation where race married within their own race. Her dad is 76 and in his early days he worked on occasion with blacks which wasn’t a positive experience. As you can see, this is really a complicated mess.

Coloma's avatar


Well…if you’re not dead it’s never too late to change ones beliefs or learn to accept the situation. Good luck with that.

john65pennington's avatar

Make the call. neither of you are getting an younger.

tchur1's avatar

I’ ve decided to do just that.

CaptainHarley's avatar

You didn’t mention how often you call her. I strongly recommend no more often than once every two weeks, and even then ask to make sure she’s not in the middle of something. Many adult children view frequent calls from parents as “prying,” or “guilting,” even if the calls were perfectly innocent. I don’t know either of you, but sometimes you can drive an adult child away by pushing too hard. Just a thought.

6rant6's avatar

I wonder what you talk about when she does call.

Supacase's avatar

If she recognizes that she is not good about calling and has intentions of improving, why not suggest to her next time it comes up that you take that burden off of her shoulders by giving her a call once a week? Ask what day and time are good for her. If she doesn’t answer your call, leave a pleasant message and try again the next week. Don’t put too much pressure on her.

As for right now, I would give her a call and say you just want to say hi. Keep it short and positive.

Arbornaut's avatar

What seems like forever in two weeks for you might be like a day or two for her, I know what its like forgetting about mum or dad for weeks on end. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them or don’t want to speak to them, your just caught in a whirlwind at the time.
Just call her to say hi, Im sure things are fine.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@Supacase has a very good suggestion. This is what my grandmother does with her three kids. Every Saturday, she calls them early in the morning at a scheduled time. They may talk between these times, but this way, my grandmother gets to talk to everyone and no one worries about missing contact.

A bit of advice: If you call and she doesn’t have much to talk about, but she has no problem with chatting, have a topic or two ready so it doesn’t seem like you just called to check up on her I talk to my mother multiple times a day and I don’t really like it when she just wants to check up on me. Please keep us posted!

CaptainHarley's avatar


Good answer! : ))

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