General Question

stevenb's avatar

Why do you see beautiful, seemingly sweet women, with overweight, rude jerks for boyfriends?

Asked by stevenb (3831points) April 10th, 2008 from iPhone

Why is it that some of the prettiest and sweetest women I have known don’t go for nice guys, but really big bellied jerks that treat them like dirt and blame everything on them?

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22 Answers

peedub's avatar


Kay's avatar

Because the nice guys don’t ask us out. Sometimes the jerks will simply take the initiative and we accept (of course this always ends poorly, but at least the jerk asked us out). Insecurity ISN’T sexy.

Randy's avatar

Maybe if you ladies wern’t always turning down us nice guys, there wouldn’t be an insecurity issue. Just putting in my two cents there…

JMCSD's avatar

may I ask why you hate fat people?? Being heavy doesn’t make you any less of a nice guy. Jeez, get beat up by fat people as a kid?

Kay's avatar

And why are putting all of the blame on women? Are all women turning you down? Are all women only attracted to “jerks”? Women aren’t shrinking violets that need to be rescued and coddled; we want a confident, equal partner and not a so-called “nice guy.”

lovelyy's avatar

because girls like assholes,
for reasons i do not know.

peedub's avatar

Insecure women attract and hang with ‘jerks’ confident women choose to be around guys (and people) that treat them with respect. I’ve witnessed this from many angles.

trogdor_87's avatar

Because deep, deep down women love the fat man… LOL ok I really have no idea why they do that.

More than likely the guy was once a good guy and then turned bad, or he just put on a show of being nice just to get the girl.

kevbo's avatar

Being in the midst of a relationship with an amazingly pretty and sweet woman and happening to be a big bellied, uh… guy, I have to agree with peedub that a lot of it is insecurity and an underbelly of low self esteem. (I have my faults, of course, but I’m not a jerk by any means.) The funny thing is that she often wants me to be critical of her, because then I’m agreeing with the tape that’s playing in her head that she’s too fat or whatever. It’s a running joke with us now that she’s fat, dumb, old, whatever, but if I fought that dynamic and insisted on telling her that she’s perfect, I’m sure things wouldn’t be as good as they are.

Her upbringing, I might add, was fairly twisted in that appearances were emphasized over everything else, so she was sort of expected to look and act perfect as a kid. Her sister (whom many would say is hot) is ten times worse and is constantly harping on her flaws and, it seems, is only really happy when she’s angry with her boyfriend. In her case, I think her self worth has been so tied up in her looks that it’s become the measure of all things. She’s a tragically wrecked person, but as long as she’s lost those five pounds and can look hot in her outfit all is right in the world.

So probably jerks draw out these types of girls’ insecurities because they’re not automatically fawning all over them and calling them perfect. Then it becomes sort of a cycle of the girl getting validation of what she believes about herself, that she’s pretty, but underneath the beauty is a semi-worthless person (because maybe they’ve never had to develop an inner beauty). Jerks also project ego and dominance, so for the girl this kind of guy probably becomes the emotional giant that the girl herself believes she can’t be.

Perhaps nice guys don’t allow these girls opportunities to acknowledge this seeming and compelling “truth.” So they can’t be themselves, and the pressure to react to niceness is too much to deal with.

Adina1968's avatar

Money! Why else? LOL!

peedub's avatar

@kevbo- yes! my ex would do the same. Well said.

LunaFemme's avatar

I think the key words here are seemingly sweet. In my opinion damaged people attract damaged people. Just because someone “seems” sweet or seems like a jerk isn’t necessarily what is truth. We all tailor our “appearance” for the world.

If a beautiful woman is with an a**hole, she has as many issues as the a**hole she is with.

I think there is some truth to what @kevbo said.

delirium's avatar

Lunafemme, that’s one of the best answers that i’ve heard in a Long Long time.

LunaFemme's avatar


stevenb's avatar

I shouldn’t have said overweight. I see girls with skinny good looking a**holes too. What I am curious of is how a girl determines thedifference between shy and insecure. I am a fairly confident guy, but not cocky. Put me in a room full of strangers though and I still get nervous to an extent. How do you know the diff? Maybe a nervous but otherwise confident guy really likes you and you walk away because he was nervous.

LunaFemme's avatar

@stevenb…is it possible that you are misinterpreting the “I’m interested” signals shyer women give. Also, is it possible that you are not clearly communicating your interest???

My husband, who is incredibly introverted, has learned of all these missed opportunities when he was in HS & college for this reason. To this day he STILL doesn’t always know when a woman is hitting on him & I have to clue him in. It’s pretty cute.

jamms's avatar

I’m kinda suprised no one pointed out that likely this fat guy worships this beautiful girl. I’m in the same boat where I have a fiancĂ©e who is a million times more attractive than I could ever be seen as. I totally love her, and remind her each day how lucky I am. She’s a lot more than a pretty face to be fair. I don’t quite get why I got so lucky opposed to another guy. She claims its cause I’m nice and I make her laugh. I could go on but I’d probably bore ya. Never judge a book by its cover tho.

TheHaight's avatar

yeah, but Stevenb said “rude jerks”. You seem like a sweetie to your girl, jamms.

stevenb's avatar

@LunnaFemme. I am not interested other than talk and friendship, being married, but I do think I totally miss any clues. My wife always tells me that I am being flirted with, but I don’t see it. I am a bit….I don’t know…..blind to it? I don’t expect to be flirted with. My wife and all of her friends say I am adorable and very cute, but I just smile and say “uh-huh sure”. I do have almost every girl I ever dated call me or e-mail me out of the blue to say hello. I have one in Florida I haven’t seen in 13 years who just called the other day and said she missed me. Another about six months ago. I am not sure how they find me, but they keep popping up. My wife hates it, but I have told her, I am married for life, and I don’t love or even know these other women any more. Is that weird that they do that?

FlutherMother's avatar

Guys with bellies are huggable! Absolutely – my good friend is a personal trainer and gorgeous. Her ex-husband is a 6 foot 4 solid wall of muscle and, apparently, “everything” is big. She is now living with a man who has quite a gut and she is the happiest girl on this earth! But truthfully – he is fantastic anyway.

But thank you @stevenb for rephrasing. You are right – the real question should be why do gorgeous girls seem to stay with A-holes? It all comes down to self-esteem. You can’t tell those beautiful, sweet girls that they are beautiful because no matter what you or others say, they only see bad things reflected out of the mirror. And many of these A-holes prey upon that. Most of these women are led to think by these guys that no one else would want them – so they stay just to have someone.

Also, there are many fantastic guys who won’t approach a beautiful girl thinking they don’t have a chance. Meanwhile, the beautiful girl is not meeting any of those great guys. Then along comes an a-hole who suffers from an excess of self-esteem and, thinking no girl could resist him, sucks her right into his pathetic world. And she goes with him because he is the one who asked.

moonswimmer6's avatar

because really cute and needy girls sometimes give them-self’s in to piggy for his money, or if the girl is really actually sweet, then she probably doesn’t like to stay w/ him and is praaaababbly being abused in one way or another. but fluthermother is right! love your answer!

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