I don't want to live with my brother and don't know how to tell him?

“I do not want to live with you”. It is that easy. I promise.

And why ask for advice when you know the answer but ignore it?

There are only two choices. Say nothing, move in with him, and be unhappy and resentful

Learn to take care of yourself (a skill that you will need in order to be a successful and content adult) and talk to him.

No one taught you, you say. Teach yourself. You mess up relationships horribly if you worry about “hurting people’s feelings” and ignore what you need.

Do you have another choice that you can use to counter his offer? You have to live somewhere.

Make another living arrangement for the coming school term and tell your brother you are already committed to it.

Tell him (in a joking manner) thank, but that you don’t want to be the only girl in a bachelor pad. Tell him that you two will see a lot of each other at school.

Recalling another question of yours not so long ago, I seem to remember there was a place you could go for, ooh about 30 days or so, that would mean you weren’t available to move in with your brother, and would be a better place for you too… sorry to come over all motherly, but often doing the right thing for yourself in one instance, makes other things fall into place too… x

Now, I’ve had my share of gawd-awful roommates to know when to say “Hell no”. Perhaps you haven’t. It wouldn’t be a big deal if you could just be like “Uhm, this isn’t working out so I’m gunna move back somewhere else”, but nowadays, there’s something called a security deposit and a contract.

Take it from me, you do not want to live somewhere you’re uncomfortable – especially if you’re going to college, you’re going to be under a lot of anxiety. You’re going to need a space you call “Home” and if there is someone there that compromises that, you’re going to be under even more anxiety. Do you want that? This is your livelihood. If you don’t stand up for it, no one else will.

Bite the bullet and tell him that you love him as a person and you’re glad to have him as a brother – but your preferences are elsewhere as far as living standards go. If he doesn’t get it, sometimes, you just have to be brutally honest with people. You will be very happy you did.

@Harple I’m doing outpatient for that.

@ducky_dnl proud of ya gal, stick near your Mum for all that support she’s so good with :-) Maybe she could talk to your brother for you? Or be with you when you do?

It’s easier for us to advise you just to tell him you don’t want to live with him, but obviously, you’re reluctant to be that blunt. And I completely understand that. Here’s one way to handle it. 1. Prepare: jot down your reasons—just for yourself, just to clarify your thinking. 2. Take action: make a date to sit down with him and explain, as calmly and lovingly as you can, that after giving his request a lot of thought, you’ve decided you’d prefer not to live with him for your reasons. 3. Stay the course: he may not agree with your reasons, but remember, they’re YOUR reasons, the number one of them being, perhaps, that you enjoy your independence and want to maintain it. Don’t be guilted or bullied. Tell him what you want, assure him you love him and appreciate the offer, and then stick to the plan. And who knows? He may totally understand. Good luck, however you decide to handle it.

Tell him you want to stay living at home with mom. Tell him that you really want to concentrate on your studies and you’ll only be able to do that at home where everything else is taken care of for you when you need the help from mom.
Also mention that you don’t feel comfortable living with a stranger or having to worry on things like rent, electric and other things. Even if he promises to take care of it all you will be wondering if the roomate is going to come through and you like being able to sleep at night not wondering if your roomate is going to rob you when your not around.
Tell him your sorry about disappointing him but you hope he understands that school has to come first for you and right now everything is as it should be and your not ready to move out. He’ll be disappointed until he finds some roomates.
You can offer to filter some roomates for him.

Tell him you love him and that under different circumstances it probably would be fun. But right now, because of XYZ that is going on in your life (and maybe your mom’s life) that it would just be better for you (right now) for you to continue living with your mom, but you would enjoy coming over to visit and maybe fix dinner for him and have a little fun brother and sis time. Then say, ” I hope you won’t be mad (insert brother’s name) it’s just that I have a lot going on my my mind right now and that moving out would just add more stress to my plate. Maybe we can go shopping together and pick out some cool new stuff for your condo.”

Hopefully he’ll understand and not make too big of a deal about it. You should try not to get too emotional if he starts questioning you and then just keep saying the above stuff over and over with a little sweet smile on your face and love in your heart.

Ducky, in the Japanese culture it is considered very rude to say “no” to somebody. In that culture, it’s much more polite to flat out lie and lead someone to believe an untruth than it is to tell them no. My daughter lived there for 8 months on scholarship. Once she set aside an evening to do something with her friends because she thought they wanted to do something with her. In fact, they just didn’t want to tell her no, and so she was disappointed.

Just take care of yourself. You have many good suggestions, and one or more of them should work for you.

It occurs to me that your brother might want you to do the care taking in such a living arrangement. You know, the cooking, cleaning and ironing? You may not be prepared for that. You might prefer to stay home with mom for that reason and that would have nothing to do with how you feel about your brother. Wanting time to study and be relatively free of household responsibilities when you in college is logical. Don’t let him talk you out of it. “I’m sure it would be fun, but I’m not ready for that,” is a good answer. That ‘fun’ part can be a real distraction.

Sounds like things are far from perfectly comfortable at home with your mom and perhaps will be even less so in the arrangement of your brother’s imagination (whatever that might look like). Is it possible for you to find affordable housing on campus in a girl’s dorm where both of those situations are far removed from your every day experience of life?

Is there any way you could try it for a month or two and see how it works out?

When you’re unsure, it’s just about always better to go with the more reversible option. It would be harder to undo moving in than it would be to undo not moving in. You’ll have plenty of time later to decide if you would like to try it.

Practice saying this: “I’d really rather not.” You’re delighted he’s coming home, and you’re looking forward to spending time with him, but you don’t think it would be wise to commit to this living arrangement because your gut instinct says it won’t work. So say that, and stick to it.

Perhaps his time in a war zone has given him a new perspective on life and he wants to start by getting right with you. It’s okay to say you appreciate it, but he can still be your brother on the other side of the quad. Honesty is always best.

I always tell people that I love my mother because I don’t live with her, and she is usually there when I say it. I’m joking, but not really. She usually agrees.

Tell him that you’re not quite ready to live on your own yet, but you’re excited about him coming home, and hope you can help him decorate the place.

Just tell him the truth. He’s your brother. If you can’t be honest with him, I don’t guess you can be honest with anyone.

Just tell the truth. He might not like it initially but honesty is always the best policy. You will only end up resenting the fact you feel you had to move in with him. Just let him know why you don’t want to move in with him and that you love him. He will get over it.

Liz

I know this might sound cynical, but is there any chance that he’s asking you just because he needs to split the rent with somebody and he doesn’t know anyone else he can pressure into doing it? If so, there’s every reason to speak up for your own wishes and not just cave in to his.

Better u go out and live somewhere else other than saying him to go out.

Hey @ducky_dnl where are you living now? Did you move in with your brother or manage to stay with your Mum?... Hope you’re okay! :-)