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ssmw3322's avatar

How to deal with a broken heart and the fact he is already in love with another lady?

Asked by ssmw3322 (6points) January 12th, 2011

So, this really intelligent, gorgeous, and enlightened man (cross between Gerard Butler and George Clooney with tanned skin) came into my life unexpectedly. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship which had diminished after the first 2 years, so I wasn’t devastated but was protecting my heart. I had many ambitions and wasn’t in the market to find myself in a relationship. However, he texted me a ridiculously cute note the night after we met. He knew I did a 40 mile bike ride and was so encouraging. He pursued me, bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, etc. I fell in love and hard! To make a long story short, we took a cross country trip to meet his grandma and other relatives and we knew we wanted to get married. I had previously planned to travel to Costa Rica to study Spanish for 1.5 months. In the meantime, my bf moved into my house with my parents (I was a student and he was starting a business), he asked my father for my hand in marriage and bought an engagement ring (I wasn’t aware). When I came home, something inside me wasn’t the same. I loved him with all my heart but had walls up. We stayed together for another year – I was in nursing school and hated how much work I had and how busy I was. I neglected him and our relationship. What was once a thriving, beautiful, intimate and committed passionate relationship became a committed, empty, relationship. I was jealous of his free time when he was able to be creative, read literature, and socialize. However, he lived the life of a student – waking up early to drive me to school, rubbing my feet and back after long hours of studying…etc. He was perfect! I overlooked his compassion for me and snapped at him for ridiculous reasons. Summer came and he was excited for my time off and took me to a beautiful resort to relax and renew. He was going to propose, again but I was obsessed with taking a run or something else. The summer flew by and I still hadn’t put much effort into our relationship. When the conversation came about breaking up, I agreed we needed a break. But it wasn’t just a break, although I was convinced in the future we would find each other at the right time. I did a lot of reflecting and work on myself to get myself ready to give all I have into a relationship with him. At the end of my semester I called to meet for a talk. He said he was dating, I said we are supposed to be together and in time we will be. However it’s been 4 or 5 months now and he’s in love with a fabulous woman. I’m glad she’s well accomplished, beautiful, and enlightened. They truly seem perfect for each other. So here’s my problem – I am in love with him. Everything I read, write, watch, learn, and do brings me back to thinking we are on the same life path. I have let go of regret but I want to let go of him and stop thinking about him being in love. We have the same friends and live in the same city. How do I get right with this? And how do I get right with accepting his new gf becoming friends with my friends and the people that I know? It hurts so badly! I just want to move on…advice, please!

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14 Answers

Nullo's avatar

Video game and webcomic binge. Building your own computer is said to help, too.

Coloma's avatar

All reltionships have their reasons and seasons.

Do your grieving, but, know that when one door closes, another always opens.

DO NOT get into a rebound relationship and use another to medicate your pain or prop up your sagging ego.

NOTHING is ever ‘personal’.

You sound borderline obsessed, not good.

Ask yourself this question.

If someone does not want you WHY do you still want them?

Take it from the voice of wisdom and maturity, you WILL get past this and, one day, it will be but a distant memory with no emotional charge.

Feel your feelings, grieve, but, I PROMISE you, you will survive and move on. ;-)

Cruiser's avatar

If he was ½ the man you now think he was back then, you would not have neglected him in the first place no matter what. See things for what they are and accept you decisions as you made them as you saw fit and to question them now is not healthy especially to pine over the “what if’s…

skfinkel's avatar

You need to be honest with yourself. You basically didn’t want him. He might have been great, but perhaps not the right person for you. It hurts because he is the right person for someone else, and you don’t have someone else yet. Why not assume that you knew what you were doing when you treated him poorly, when you said you needed a break, and try and remember your feelings then. Of course, grieving always takes time, so you have to give it its due, but this will pass, and you will find the person that you actually want to be with. And when you do, or even sooner, you will get a healthy perspective on this. Sorry, though. I know it hurts.

perspicacious's avatar

Such is life. Maybe you will be more prepared if you have another opportunity at a great relationship.

tedd's avatar

You’ve done what I’ve seen women do 100 times before…. and i’m sorry to say your only hope is that he comes back to you.

Kardamom's avatar

Actually @tedd is wrong. This man is not your only hope! And the sooner you realize that, the better you will feel.

Either you effed up, by treating him so neglectfully, or he wasn’t as great as you are building him up in your mind to be. Either way, he’s no longer your boyfriend and you need to move on and build the rest of your life. Don’t wallow in the “what ifs” of this situation. They will only drag you down and keep you in this same spot.

You need to start doing things, keeping busy, continuing to pursue your life’s goals. Get some fresh air and exercise every day, make sure to eat right every day. Get some kind of a mantra that you will say each and every time you start to think of him or wallow in your sorrow. Don’t attempt to contact him, don’t write to him, don’t call him or text him or FB friend him. He sounds like a pretty good guy and now he has a decent relationship with someone who appreciates him, don’t wreck it for him.

You may want to get a little bit of short term therapy to figure out why you sabatoged a decent relationship (which you say it was) or why you allowed yourself to stay in a relationship with someone who wasn’t really suited to you.

Next time you meet someone that you really like, decide early on what kind of a relationship you really want with him. People usually know pretty quickly into a relationship if this is the person they want to be with (and there is no one person that fits this bill, there are tons of potential people that can be “the one.”) If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. If it does feel right, then treat the person how you want to be treated.

Since you share a lot of mutual friends with the ex, talk to some of them discreetly and let them know that you are feeling pretty badly about the whole thing and ask them to try to avoid bringing him up to you if they can, at least for awhile. You are bound to run into your ex with his new GF, so make a point now, to be gracious and polite whenever you see them, but try to limit your time with them if you can. Don’t ask any of the mutual friends what he says or what he does, because it’s none of your business now and it will just keep you in this awful wallowing state.

Make a point of doing fun, enjoyable and possibly new activities with close friends and family. Know that you will have moments of feeling sad, but pick a mantra that will help you come out of it quickly. Keep moving forward, don’t go back, try not to wallow and don’t beat yourself up with the “what ifs”. Just move forward. Good luck my dear. : )

xx_daynarose's avatar

I understand this one hundred percent. This man to you seems to be your soul mate, everything about him is amazing and when you two are together—it’s perfect. Right?

Saying this, I promise you, there is someone better out there for you. Someone who’s looking for you as well. Im not saying give up hope, because who knows—this ‘Perfect Man’ may really truly be the one, and like you said, if that’s true, then of course what’s ment to be will be. But until then, you can’t wait around just watching from the side lines.

Experience life. Live it. Love it. Emnbrace who you are and work on yourself first. Make sure your heart is ready to go back out there to love. You can’t find love with a tattered heart, that just ends up badly.

I promise you—things will get better.

tedd's avatar

@Kardamom Well I didn’t mean only hope in life… I meant only hope in getting him back.

Kardamom's avatar

@tedd I kinda knew that. I hope you are doing better too, dear and continuing to move forward.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Is there any chance that you want him now only because he’s gone and in a relationship with someone else?

blueiiznh's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir good point at what human nature does sometimes

kathleentoronto's avatar

Convince yourself that you have accepted the heart ache but you must let it go. Throw it away put your head up and do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel beautiful and motivated everyday. Life is not worth dwelling on this.. there are tons of people out there waiting for you to shine! Forget the rest!

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