When one has more financial resources than his/her parents, how does one balance self-care with elder-care while maintaining appropriate boundaries (see details)?

Asked by prolificus (6583) January 13th, 2011 from iPhone

My folks do not have any retirement money whatsoever.  Social Security and Medicaid benefits are their sole source of income and health insurance.  They share their apartment with their adult son and adult grandson.  The adult son has a history of sporadic employment and poor financial management.  Supposedly, the adult son and our folks split household expenses 50/50; but more often than not, there is a $200 monthly shortfall for my parents to fill (which translates to other family members having to fill in the gaps).

My partner and I do the bookkeeping for my folks because they became incapable of managing their money without incurring fees for insufficient funds on a semi-monthly basis.  Prior to overseeing the books, there was a financial emergency requiring money wire-transfers at least once every other month.  For over a year now, though, the bail-out emergencies have been minimal due to careful bookkeeping on our part.

I am the youngest of three, and the only daughter.  My eldest brother (who does not live with our folks) has made countless promises to assist, but rarely if ever follows through with action.  The role I’ve played in my family had been the emotional caregiver of my folks.  In many ways it has been a complicated relationship and anyone who’s been following my story will understand the complexities.  Over the years I’ve distanced myself from my folks, going as far as moving several states away from them.  Despite the distance (emotional and physical), there remains an expectation from my dad for me to keep them above financial hot water.

I’m not rich, but I’m not poor either. However, if I support my folks the way they want me to, I will end up like them financially.  I’ve offered to help them move out by me in order to manage eventual long-term care.  However, they refuse to leave their adult son and adult grandson.  Also, they do not want to leave familiar territory, which I completely understand.

I’ve maintained contact with their Office of Aging case manager, and I’ve investigated possible low-income housing for them.  Because they intend to share space indefinitely with their son and grandson, low-income housing is not a legal option.

It feels like a no-win situation for me.  By helping my folks, I feel like I have the opportunity to show forgiveness (to how my parents treat me), honor (to my parents) and integrity (to my spiritual beliefs).  Yet, I realize I must set all sorts of financial and emotional limits, for obvious reasons.  Both my partner and I have assisted my folks financially (on a limited and reasonable basis), but it’s never enough.

Considering these details, what would be the appropriate boundaries and actions for me follow?