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gamefu91's avatar

How to send someone on a guilt trip but not ruin a relationship or have an argument?

Asked by gamefu91 (591points) January 14th, 2011

I want to send someone on a guilt trip but at the same time I don’t want to have a fight or ruin or affect the relationship.Its just that I want the other person to not to treat me like in a way that I don’t like or not to treat me like s**t.

So what would be the basic procedure of doing this? It would be easier to understand if you explain using specific type of phrases or short sentences that must be used.
And/or give a detailed example of how you yourself did it? Did it work?
I most probably will have to do this on phone.

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29 Answers

Not_the_CIA's avatar

You will fail miserably if you try this. Trust me, I have tried. I’m old now. Your best best is honesty. If that fails realize that the friendship probably shouldn’t exist.

Manipulation isn’t a element of a healthy friendship.

gamefu91's avatar

@Not_the_CIA what is wrong in letting someone know that what they could have been doing unconsciously or unwillingly could be hurting us? This isn’t manipulation.

Not_the_CIA's avatar

Use your damn words. It is really fucking simple. Tell them how you feel. They apologize for not realizing they were hurting you. No need for games.

Mikewlf337's avatar

Don’t play games with people. If you can’t tell them straightforward than you are weak person who uses manipulation in a relationship.

Sayd_Whater's avatar

Assuming that you’ve already tried to talk things up and end up in a discussion, it’s pretty clearly to me that you don’t have a healthy relation with that person.
I also assume that you migth have some issues communication and you don’t want to fight.

In your place I would probably give a step behind in that relation because I often assume to myself that if anyone treats me wrong, I am the guilty one!
You see… in the first place, that only happens if I let them… And the quicker I assume my own guilt the sooner I do something about it instead of waiting for the other person to change, which will never happen you don’t do nothing about it.

If you don’t want to fight or discuss… You’ll have to step back.
You know that kind of abuse is verbal violence and, sadly, often it tends to be cyclic! (even if he ever felt guilty about it, after a while he would simple forget it)

Just remember you’re intitled to a peace & love life =)

BarnacleBill's avatar

Try this: “When you do ____, it really hurts my feelings and really makes me wonder if you’re really my friend. I wish you would not do _____ any more. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Big boy undies. Own the emotion. Articulate it.

SuperMouse's avatar

Try using I statements. Rather than accusing this person of making you feel like shit and attempting to guilt them out of doing it, share your feelings. When people hear someone saying ”You are not being nice to me. You need to stop making me feel like shit. You should feel bad for the way you are behaving” they tend to take that personally and tune out – getting you nowhere and probably causing a big(ger) rift between the two of your.

gamefu91's avatar

@Sayd_Whater If a girl is sexually harassed or assaulted she is the guilty one.And someone attempts to murder,the victim is guilty.Good!

marinelife's avatar

First, remember that you can’t make someone else feel anything including guilt.

They have to feel remorse on their oen for their actions.

Explain to them (in the words @BarnacleBill gave you) how what they are doing has hurt you.

Then, just wait and see what they say.

If they do not stop doing it and express remorse, you probably want to end the relationship.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Guilt trips backfire, though, because the person gets angry that someone’s trying to manipulate them into behaving a certain way. It doesn’t matter how you feel about their behaviour as far as how it affects them. People do what they do to meet their own needs, which have nothing to do with you, and people are usually so self-involved that they don’t think about how they’re hurting others. It sucks, but that’s how it is.

That’s all anyone here is telling you. You can’t control other people’s behaviour. But what you can do is stick up for yourself by telling people how their behaviour toward makes you feel. If someone is sexually assaulting you, then you go to the law, because that’s a crime. If someone is verbally abusing you, then tell them you don’t like and that you won’t tolerate it. If that doesn’t work, then ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with anyone who thinks it’s OK to treat you like crap.

Mikewlf337's avatar

@gamefu91 Women are not always seen as the guilty of incidents involving sexual harassment. Men always get crap from a woman crying sexaul harassment even if in some cases she asks for it.

Coloma's avatar

Children play games like this, and it never comes to a good end.
‘Love’ is not manipulation and guilt tripping.

If you want a healthy, mature, relationship, it’s all about honesty and boundaries.

You don’t guilt or shame anybody,. you tell them how their behavior has made you feel and you let them know what the consequences will be if they violate the situation again.

Fight fire with fire and everyone gets burned.

Listen to us oldsters, we know of which we speak. ;-)

PhiNotPi's avatar

If you send someone on a “guilt trip”, it will most likely hurt the relationship more than whatever that person was doing in the first place.

Sayd_Whater's avatar

@gamefu91 I though you actually had a relation with that person…that were talking about an alleged friend… In that case…If he said something you didn’t like, you should let him know…Because If you just do nothing and go complain about it in his back, he’ll just do it again… That’s why, and only in this specific circunstance, that I believe that you might have your own share of guilt! – I think it’s easy to understand, but a little hard to accept.
Now – a different story “If a girl is sexually harassed or assaulted she is the guilty one.And someone attempts to murder,the victim is guilty.” -That does not makes any sense!!! – Don’t you seen?!? If this is really happening only a court can decide who’s guilty or not! Each case is a case.
If you know that a person is actually doing those kinds of crimes, you should definitely tell someone of your trust and call imediatly the police!That’s serious!It’s no longer a question of you want him to feel guilty, or you don’t want to assume your own guilt…that just means nothing comparing to that!

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

@gamefu91 You sound very passive/aggressive, and that’s not good. You said you want to guilt-trip someone (manipulation) and don’t want to get into a fight (non-confrontational.) You say the person involved treats you badly (so why exactly do you want to keep the relationship?) Everyone here has given you excellent advice. Time to own your feelings, confront the person like an adult, get it worked out by facing the problem head-on or let the relationship go. Being an adult is a bitch, but it has to be done.

Meego's avatar

Ahh, the guilt trip…I don’t have much to say about this topic. I do believe building a relationship has building blocks and one of them are not guilt, your relationship foundation should be built on trust blocks. Think of it like you are building your dream home, you would only want the best, no? Is guilt your best? Not really if you have to ask how to do it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Tell them the truth. The truth leads to the best guilt trips.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

If you value the relationship enough that you want to keep it going, instead of ruining it, why would you want to send them on a guilt trip? Why can’t you just talk to this person and tell them how you feel? Guilt and shame are not good for a relationship, and if you use those tools, you will ruin it anyway.

Kardamom's avatar

Don’t play games with people or try to mess with their minds or manipulate them. I’m guessing that you would not want someone to do that to you, correct?

Either talk to this person rationally, by calmly letting them know how their treatment effects you, like @BarnacleBill said, or end this relationship. If you can’t speak truthfully (without hurting someone) or rationally, why on earth would you want to continue the relationship?

If it’s a boss or a family member, sit them down calmly and follow @BarnacleBill‘s sentence structure and give some examples of how you are going to try harder and make a few changes too.

mindful's avatar

Stop trying to manipulate others.

faye's avatar

If you succeeded in sending me on multiple guilt trips, I would not want to be around you. If I am the type you need to do that to, why do you still want to be around me?

Meego's avatar

So I’m just wondering…couldn’t the answers we are posing technically be classified as us guilting the question asker into not guilting their friend even though we are against guilt tripping??? I’m so confused and I feel so guilty! =/ LOL

blueiiznh's avatar

@Meego Guilty as charged

Meego's avatar

myself = grinning from ear to ear.

Baddreamer27's avatar

“I want to send someone on a guilt trip but at the same time I don’t want to have a fight or ruin or affect the relationship.Its just that I want the other person to not to treat me like in a way that I don’t like or not to treat me like s**t.” By purposefully sending the other on a guilt trip because they did something you that made you feel like crap, is playing games. Playing silly games in a relationship will affect it and ruin it. I agree to speak your mind like an adult. Simply state, “I really dont like it when you——-. It hurts me and makes me feel like crap” If it doesnt stop then I dont think that person is worth your love.

perspicacious's avatar

That’s childish. Just say what you want to say to the person. A real friendship will survive it.

Coloma's avatar


Aaah grasshopper. can say what needs to be said in less than 20,000 words. lol

Carol's avatar

Tell them the following:

I want to send you on a guilt trip but at the same time I don’t want to have a fight or ruin or affect our relationship. Its just that I wantyou to not to treat me like in a way that I don’t like or not to treat me like s**t. Then see if they stick around.

You sound like you’re a powerless angry victim and you and your “friend” are in a complimentary relationship. Do you handle other relationships in this manner? Why would you want this person as a friend if you think you’re getting dumped on?

Get some professional help.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Wait for them to do something bad to you… and send flowers. *Only works if the recipient is not a complete narcissist.

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