Should I feel upset about this?

Really, I have to say it was likely an ego thing for your friend.

She didn’t want YOU to think she couldn’t handle paying her rent, since her mother took care of it for her. It’s possible she really couldn’t take care of the rent and didn’t want you to know she needed Mom to bail her out. Particularly because she could always just go to the bank and get a money order if she wanted to make sure her rent arrived on time without anyone else’s help.

I think you should let it go, and not address it directly with her. You could say something reassuring, to the effect of you not judging her, but I think more than that would bring attention to an insecurity she must have. Realize it’s not you, it’s an issue she has.

That’s my take, anyway.

Yeah I suggested she could just go straight down to the bank and just get that shit done there, but she said her work schedules didn’t meet with it.
Thanks for your thoughts. Sure as hell didn’t think about it that way.

You’re welcome. I’ve had friends do similar and it used to eat me alive. We all have our insecurities somewhere, I suppose. :)

so you know this is something she is either embarrassed or ashamed about; it’s a touchy subject. Next time she brings up something about money, you might say “honey, I want to listen and I know it’s hard for you to talk about it. I can listen and be supportive if you’re telling me and not holding back any information.”

@Taciturnu I didn’t think about my friend’s own insecurity issues. She doesn’t SEEM insecure, but like, if she really is, do you think that’s something I should bring up, as a supposed issue? (The potential for insecurity, not this specific problem in my question.) or am I gonna set off a huge bomb tryna do this? When I got shit goin down, I do like my friends trying to pry it out and help ME, you know?

@zenvelo Awesome advice. It’s like I’m not a mindreader, so yours is a something I think would get the point across if I said. Thank you. :)

I have a question: why does it matter to you who pays her rent? I have another question: why does it matter to her if you know who pays her rent?

Okay. Those questions are just a polite way of me asking what business is it of yours who pays her rent?

You’re friends. I understand that, and I understand that you tell each other a lot about what’s going on in your lives. That’s wonderful. I envy having a friend that close. I don’t.

If I was in this situation with a very close friend, I would simply reassure my friend that I didn’t care who paid what. I would simply be glad to have a friend. I would also reassure the friend that money shouldn’t be a problem in the friendship.

Be reassuring. Be supportive. Be open. Be honest. Be loving. Be a friend.

Be yourself.

@Symbeline I guess that depends on how someone could bring that up. I don’t know that there’s any good way to say “Hey, you’re insecure about ______.” I would think that the next time it comes up you could say something, as @zenvelo mentioned. Otherwise I would just reassure her to the greatest extent that you’re there for her, without being too over the top and making it a pity party.

Someone can be a confident person and still have an insecurity or two. I have a handful, and I know I’m pretty awesome. If she’s just masking a lot of insecurity, bringing attention to it will likely only make her more insecure, knowing someone’s catching on. If you think she may be masking, just be a supportive friend and show her how awesome you think she is.

@hawaii_jake I could be mistaken, but I think the part that’s bothering her is being lied to.

Yes, being lied to sucks. Still, is it any of my business who pays my friend’s bar tab or credit card statement or rent?... Hmm. I guess I’m more taciturn when it comes to money matters. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

@hawaii_jake Well because I was worried about her, is why I care who paid it. Although at that point, I didn’t care who paid it, as long as it got paid. My question wasn’t about not minding my own beezewacks or who paid what, I already said it was fine with me if she didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to make sure she had her shit down and tried to reassure her bout it. Except the shit WAS down already, so it’s like I was wasting my words.

I do totally understand that her method may be just her trying to change the subject, or she didn’t know how to dismiss it. But really I don’t know. Of course it affects someone, no matter how lame it might seem, when you deal with good friends. The point here really has nothing with who did the payment. Hell I’m GLAD her mom did it, despite that she coulda done it herself even if it was late. I woulda said fuckall if she told me though lol.
Your last advice is very good though, thank you. Sounds simple but it isn’t always lol. But it’s still true, I think.

@Taciturnu Yeah that makes sense. I don’t have to know everything, nor does she. We’re very supportive with one another. So stuff like that kinda makes me question it at times you know? But I’ll be considering this. I mean you’re right, the approach I take, should I decide to take it, can be awkward.

@Symbeline : Yes, I think I missed the mark.

Now that I think about it, I’m wondering if what I’m trying to get at is whether or not this is important enough to affect your relationship. I don’t know the answer to that question. I hope not, and from what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem likely.

I think @zenvelo and @Taciturnu have given you some great suggestions.

Bleh, my whole long response was lost.

@hawaii_jake Taciturn? U? Nah. . . Well, maybe just when it comes to money. :)

And now, that response doesn’t even matter.

@hawaii_jake Nah we’ve been through worse lmao. I got stories. XD But the point is, no this won’t end our relationship, it just…felt kind of abrupt at this time. I mean why would she do this?
Yeah I’m upset she didn’t tell me, I can admit that. But I DO recognize and respect that she doesn’t have to, and wouldn’t force it out of her. I just don’t appreciate being humoured, whether it’s Satan, or a dear friend lol.

When it comes right down to it, your friend is not as independent from her mother as she would like to think, and her mother maintians the apron string by providing financial aid. It’s one thing to have your parents give you the rent money if you can’t afford it; it’s another to take it, and not repay the loan.

You shouldn’t feel bad or weird about this. Just recognize that your friend is not really on her own, and if she complains about her mom, she probably has less reason to do so than some people.

Yeah tell me about it, my mom used to smack me upside the head with wooden stirring spoons lol. The thing is though, if I were to even suggest that her mother loves her, (She’s convinced there is no love in between them, her mom just wants to make herself look good, according to my friend.) she would not take it. I met her mom, she seems fine but isn’t very talkative. So I have no idea what the actual deal is, but my friend DID pay her back already. :/

I would let the whole topic go if i were you, and not worry about it. it’s between the friend and her mom, and if she wants to complain about the mom just listen and nod your head sympathetically, but now you know things are not as your friend presents them, regarding the “mother” topic.

Then I wouldn’t dwell upon it; just know that your friend is fortunate to have a safety net if she needs it. Perhaps her mom isn’t quite sure exactly how to have an adult relationship with your friend, and does things that she (the mom) thinks is helpful and necessary because hanging out together isn’t going to happen. For some parents, it’s hard giving up the parent job, especially if you’ve enjoyed the relationship with your kids. You hang on a bit too long to the old role, and transitioning back to your own life is difficult. Guilty of this; when they’re stranded while traveling, I get to go back into parent mode and make everything okay.

I’d say address your feelings asap, because, usually, the longer one dwells on something, the bigger it feels, becomes, in their mind.

I’m a little confused on why, exactly, you are so bothered by this.

Maybe it’s an honesty thing.

I can relate to the mom, my daughter put me in my place awhile back, ( it’s hard for parents to let go sometimes—She was complaining about her finances and I offered her some money.

She told me ” MOM! I don’t WANT any money, I just wanted to vent!”

I have gotten much better at letting her share her stuff without feeling the impulse to rescue her.

Yes, just be honest with your friend, and non-defensive. Let her know you want to know whats going on with her and you will not judge.

Now, have slurpee and relax! ;-)

IMO I think your friend is having a hard time accepting that her mom is right about her not being able to manage her own affairs and is resorting to lying about her ability or inability to pay her rent to invent/create drama to deflect blame for her own problems. I have known people who behave like this and intentionally seeks out crisis so people feel sorry for them. They crave the attention and sympathy that these types of situations bring for them. Tell you friend to get her shit together and if not I would spend less time around her and let her know why.

I think your friend fabricated the “out of checks scheme” for several reasons. one, to get the message over to her mother about the new checks coming to her address. lets examine this situation. she asked her mother to be on the lookout for her new checks at her address. i think her motives were to ask her mom for the rent money, by advising her about the new checks. this is what i call a “user”. two, it appears she wanted sympathy from you for whatever reason. she knew that her mother had already paid her rent, but purposely held this from you for…................sympathy for her? maybe you would give her money? who knows.

I would not let this subject drop. i would discuss this with her at-length to get to the truth with you.

It sounds like she was just trying to get some sympathy out of you. The out of checks excuse is just that – an excuse. You can go to the bank and get one check if that’s all you need. They print it out with your account info on it and you fill in your name and the other stuff. (They do this at RBC and I’m sure at other banks too.)

It seems like a weird situation and to be honest, I’m not sure I completely understand what went down. But maybe she just wanted to feel like her voice was being heard, and leaving out some information was the best way she could think of to do that.

I agree with @john65pennington. If she was really concerned and could pay her rent she would’ve gone down to the bank and gotten a check. Hell, rent offices even take cash. They don’t like it but they will give a reciept for it. She was playing everyone. Her mom knew what she was really calling about. She may not be the evil witch your friend portrays her to be. She is probably just tired of being used by your friend.

To me it sounds like your friend is having a difficult time being able to take care of everything in her life. She probablly desperately wants to be independent, but for whatever reason (the economy, bad planning, lack of knowlege about how things work) she’s having a few problems.

You are a very independent, open person and you are a go-getter. She’s probably a little bit embarrassed because you seem to have it altogether and she doesn’t quite have it altogether. If she discussed it with you, it would all become so glaringly apparent. For her, talking about the situation openly would just make her feel/look more foolish.

So try not to see the situation as her “lying” to you so much as she is omitting information to “save face.” I have been in a similar position (not with rent) before, as the poor slob trying to save face and not appear to be a hideous loser to my friends/famiy members. On the surface, I appear to be pretty happy and together, but in this particular situation, I was feeling pretty crappy inside and I definitely wouldn’t want to talk about it. Not even to my best friend.

So I would let it go (at least onto your back burner) and just let her know that if she needs some assistance, you’re there to help her. Hopefully she’ll get the money problem worked out. If this happens again, you should tread very lightly and just gently ask her if she needs some assistance. I have the feeling that she’s super-embarrassed and doesn’t want to humiliate herself in front of you. You’re a very cool, level headed person and she doesn’t want to appear less than that to you.