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Quickpaws's avatar

How should I react to my boyfriend's comparing me negatively with other women?

Asked by Quickpaws (13points) January 21st, 2011

My boyfriend likes to make comments about other women’s features while he’s with me. He prefers women with perfect figures and women who are African-American. I am neither perfect nor African-American. What is the best way to respond so that I don’t make him upset? I’m constantly being compared to other women, and the implied conclusion is that I’m too fat and not pretty enough. I’m working on losing the little bit of belly fat that comes from having children, but I can’t change my nationality. I’m too scared to lose him, but I don’t feel worthy to keep him. He likes the sex, but doesn’t get romantic and rarely kisses me passionately. If I hear anything about myself, it’s always in a negative light. I COULD be pretty IF I did these particular exercises, for example. Do you think he would “wake up” if I didn’t talk to him as much, didn’t compliment him, or didn’t tell him that I loved him before he went to sleep? (He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He will tell me that he loves me, too, IF I say it to him first.) Or would it likely damage the relationship?

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28 Answers

glenjamin's avatar

No offense, but your guy sounds like an a-hole to me. I’d dump him on general principle.

softtop67's avatar

So you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. WHY?

glenjamin's avatar

EDIT: Had to run away for a sec, but anyway, to elaborate:

How dare this guy belittle you to your face and make you feel like crap? You deserve alot better than that. It seems to me that you don’t believe so, which is why you are staying in the relationship. You have definite self-esteem issues, I think the real issue here is that you can use some counseling. You need to feel empowered to stand up for yourself, because nobody else will. Get some therapy, in the mean time tell the guy exactly how you feel and see where that goes. Don’t be afraid to damage the relationship, if he does love you he will be willing to change, but my instinct tells me you should stay away from this guy.

incendiary_dan's avatar

Wow. Kick him in the nuts. That’s what you should do.

deni's avatar

Not to be blunt, but I agree with @glenjamin…he sounds like an ass. He doesn’t appreciate you. He doesn’t make you feel loved. HE BELITTLES YOU. Does he have any good qualities? It seems like even if he does they are far outweighed by the bad. That should say something….You should punch him in the gut and then say goodbye.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Have you already told him how all of this makes you feel? How long have the two of you been together? Is this a long going thing or a new thing?

I personally, could not be with someone that said things like “you could be pretty if you did this” and the this was me changing something major about myself.

I don’t mind my husband saying things like “you’d look sexy in that”, but to tell me I had to change something for him to find me attractive would be a big issue!

If this is long going and he already knows how you feel about it, it’s definitely time to put your foot down. You deserve better. Even if it’s not long going and he doesn’t know, it’s still really shitty and you deserve better. Personally, I’d be long gone if I was in your position.

stardust's avatar

I’d be more inclined to say he’s not worthy of you. He sounds like a complete and utter dope.
I’d try talking to him about how I feel and if you don’t get anywhere with that, I’d walk away.

marinelife's avatar

What are you doing?

You are letting your boyfriend think it is all right to make comparisons with other women in front of you and to treat you badly.

Dump his ass now!

You deserve someone who will care about you. You need a strong injection of self-esteem.

The very next time he does it, walk away. If he ask where you’re going, say away from you and to somebody who cares about my feelings.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Check out other guys, and say “Bet that guy has a bigger dick than you.” When he comments on it, tell him that he feels exactly how you feel when he compares you to other women, and if he stops, you will, too.

beachbum76's avatar

Please tell me that you have more self confidence than to think this guy is the only game in town. Even if you don’t, there is no reason for anyone to be treated this way. You shouldn’t have to change yourself to be accepted and loved. I hope you realize your self worth and dump this jerk. You deserve a lot better. Good luck.

KhiaKarma's avatar

You said that you want to know how to respond so you don’t make him upset. Are worried about his reaction if you stand up for yourself? You deserve to be with someone who values and respects you.

SavoirFaire's avatar

I like @BarnacleBill‘s answer, but I think you should do that and then DTMFA anyway. This guy is shit, and it wouldn’t be worth changing him even if it were possible.

gailcalled's avatar

@Quickpaws: This relationship is already damaged, and irretrievably so. And what are you so frightened of? Losing a controlling, unkind, unloving bully? He’s the unworthy one.

Do not spend another second on buying into his unrealistic and truly self-centered view of what a loving relationship should be.

choreplay's avatar

I statements are always a start. “When you do _________, it makes me feel _________.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Yep, @SavoirFaire, I agree. Definition 2 all the way.

@Quickpaws, dear, remember – no one can treat you like crap without your permission. If a man had the nerve to constantly harp on how I wasn’t pretty enough for him, compared me to other women and openly gawped at other women in my presence, I would understand that to mean that he didn’t respect me – after I’d borne his children? And the kids are learning this mess by osmosis? No.

Psh. F that noise. Learn how to love yourself exactly as you are. Let him go. Life is short. Do you want to spend it hating yourself and chasing after someone else’s approval?

The more you try to please people, the less they respect you. Ironic, sucky and true. If for no other reason, get rid of him so that your child(ren) don’t end up poisoned and hating themselves or judging women solely by their looks.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@aprilsimnel Damn… I just realized that I could link it so that specific definitions appeared at the top. Well, you learn something everyday. But yes, #2 all the way.

submariner's avatar

You said BF, so you’re not married. I’m guessing your kids are not his kids. Why the heck are you keeping him around? Is he paying all the bills? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you are paying at least half the bills and probably more.

Unless he has some really amazing redeeming qualities that you haven’t told us about, lose him. Do you think he’s the only man who will have you? Worst case scenario—suppose he is. So what? Being alone won’t kill you. And you won’t really be alone, because you’ll have your kids. So get rid of this jerk and focus on being the best mom you can be.

faye's avatar

I say dump him. What a sorry excuse for a human he is. Do you really love someone so insensitive and uncaring? Because he doesn’t love you. We all deserve respect at least and you aren’t getting any. He’s there for food and laundry after sex, which he’s not good at as no one that inconsiderate could be good in bed.

CaptainHarley's avatar

He’s not in love with you by any stretch of the imagination. Drop him.

jca's avatar

Everyone has said it so well. A boyfriend is supposed to make you feel good about yourself (and vice versa), and bring out your best qualities, not belittle you, insult you, not kiss you, etc. All of the things you listed were red flags.

If I were you I would also be tempted to ask the boyfriend “if you like this certain kind of woman, and I’m not that, then why are you with me? Why don’t you go after that type of woman?” You know why he does not go after that type of woman? Because not many women would put up with this shit he dishes out. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

If you have children, which you said you do, do you think it’s good for them to hear their mother being insulted by a man? What kind of message do you think you’re sending to your daughter(s), if you have one? That a boyfriend is supposed to make fun of you? That women are supposed to take shit from men? That her mother is a wimp? What kind of message would you be sending your son(s)? That men are supposed to treat their women like shit? That his mom is a pushover?

If I were you I would not worry about damaging him or the relationship, because this is not a relationship that is good for you or good for your family.

jca's avatar

By the way, Welcome to Fluther! Why don’t you fill out your profile. Visit Fluther daily, ask and answer questions, become part of a great community and watch your score go up!

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Are you still there even discussing it?!?!?!?!?

MagicalMystery's avatar

How long did you go out with him? It is baffling why you let the relationship continue, when there doesn’t seem to be anything positive coming from it. I hope you don’t live together. Some more details would have been helpful.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’d give him a long stare and leave him alone, go make plans to get rid of him. That’s why I’d do. Stop loving on him, you don’t need to waste your words each night for an empty answer.

Ladymia69's avatar

Bullies DO NOT change. And if you do not work to improve your self-esteem, neither will the quality of your relationships. He will never love you the way you want him too, no matter how much you change for him.

Unfortunately, the self-esteem issue is a catch-22; you attract this sort of guy because you have a low self-esteem, yet you probably won’t choose better until your SE improves. I have been in a relationship that included physiacl violence, verbal abuse, and worse. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. Get out and surround yourself with people who support and love you for the way you are now. Good luck, dear!

CaptainHarley's avatar

Many years of research have shown that marriages which succeed have mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual support for personal goal achievement. Unless I miss my guess, your relationship has none of these. Time to cut bait, hon.

answerjill's avatar

First: Have you spoken to him about how his behavior makes you feel. I like the comment above about using “I statements.” If you have discussed this and to no avail, kick him to the curb and listen to Dar Williams’ “As Cool As I Am” nice and loud.

WasCy's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Scared to lose him? I’d be afraid that I was attracted to him.

You’ve come to the right place for a great attitude adjustment. Stick around for awhile; this won’t hurt a bit.

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