Because this breakup kind of came out of the blue and you’ve been together for such a long time (and because your ex can’t seem to articulate why he feels differently now), I think you need to have some kind of “no contact” situation with him, but give it a time limit. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year.
Right now you are hurting. If he just keeps popping in and out (but considers you to be a friend only, now, and not his girlfriend) then he is just using you for the convenient bits (you talking to him and offering support) but not fixing the situation. This is one of those situations where he either needs to “crap or get off the pot.”
It’s not fair for him to put you in a situation where you are basically trapped by “false intimacy.” You know that you are still in love with him and would prefer that you were still together in the regular way that you were before. For some reason, he feels differently now, but doesn’t want to give up all the goodies, but can’t give you any real relationship or intimacy. That stinks!
You have a few options. First, I would ask him if he would accompany you to a couples therapist to get to the root of “his problem.” Which may be the fact that he is going off to a foreign country with the military, or it could be that he has simply fallen out of love with you, or he could have met someone else (that he’s not telling you about) or it could be something else, or a combination of all of the above.
Ask him if he wants to make a future with you. If he says yes, then ask him to go to counseling with you. If he says no or he isn’t sure, then you need to step back from this relationship and tell him that you are exiting the relationship and you would prefer a “no contact” situation for 6 months or a year (you need to decide, but it should be for at least 6 months, or else you will be too tempted to contact him and you won’t go about your business). Let him know that there should be no contact of any kind ( no phone, letters, e-mail, texting or getting in touch with your friends and family to check up) unless there is a dire emergency (like he is dying, NOT something like he is feeling lonely and sad).
During the “no contact” period, you might want to consider going to a therapist for a few sessions on your own, just to deal with the sadness and grief and anger over this situation. Tell your close friends and family members what you plan to do and let them know that you are going to try to keep busy with hobbies, work, other friends, fun family events, and trying out new experiences (things that you always wanted to do and now have time for) and that you will exercise regularly, and eat nutritious food every day and you will avoid sulking or drinking or smoking or talking about the breakup and you will not think about or talk about about the “what ifs.”
If you meet somebody (or already know somebody) that you would like to go on a date with, go. Have fun and don’t ever feel like you are cheating on the ex. Everything that you do from this day forth is part of your future, not part of your past. If you meet someone that you like, gently explain to them that you are a little gun shy and give a very VERY brief description of your last relationship and then take it slow and easy.
During the “no contact” phase, don’t sit there and mark the days off the calendar until you can speak to your ex again. Simply go forward and live your life. One or both of you might change your minds about whether you want to be together down the line or whether you want to continue living separate lives. If he comes back after a year and says he want to get back together, then it’s up to you to make that decision. But you should demand at that point that you won’t even consider taking him back until you have gone through a round of couples counseling. If you do decide to get back together, you have to make sure that he is good and clear on what happened, why he decided to break up with you, what major changes he has made in his life and he needs to realize how much he hurt you and how he will nurture this “new relationship” and that he can’t just go back to exactly the way things were (or else they will end up exactly the way they are now, again).
Now, go and make yourself a big batch of home made vegetable soup and start making plans for this weekend? Do you want to visit the art museum? Or maybe check out that new little bistro downtown or go see a movie with some gal pals? Or maybe you want to take your little cousins to the zoo or plan a weekend in Vegas trip with your friends or contemplate planting a vegetable garden in your yard. Either way, we fluthers are here to help you move forward :-)
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