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Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

I'm hating my mom and sister more and more, how do I make it stop? (more info on the issue inside the question)

Asked by Vincent_Lloyd (3007points) February 2nd, 2011

okay so I have a 25 year old sister with a boyfriend, she’s giving him weed and herself weed to smoke, and wasting money on that, along with always going out and maxing out her credit cards a bunch of other things. She’s gotten lazy, she’s annoying me, I’m hating her each time I’m around her. So My Mom works at an Airline (U.S airways) And she has to leave for a certain amount of time (between a couple of days- 2 weeks) and when my mom’s gone my sister is here smoking and being lazy with her so called “boyfriend” The issue with my mom is that when she’s here she irritates me too…So basically I can’t live a happy life with both of them around me, or one or the other…I want to make it stop or be alone…But I know I can support myself. How do I not hate them. I’ve always hated my sister, but my mom sometimes…I just don’t want to hold a grudge against them. The only one that cares for me is my other sister, but she moved out….Please how do I make the hate inside stop… (sorry for it being long… PM me if you want to discuss the issue.)

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20 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

This is a difficult situation and a delicate question. My honest recommendation is that you talk to a counselor at school or a doctor or a therapist.

Hate is an awfully strong word. Could it be possible that you’re just angry at them? I don’t know the answer to that. Only you do.

Here’s what works for me. Whenever I have any negative emotions of any kind, I remind myself that those are inside me. The person or the situation did not put them inside me. They are simply there. When there is something inside me, I can do something about it. Things that are outside of me, I can do very little about.

Understanding that the negative emotion is inside me, I have learned to look at it, recognize it, feel it, and release it. This ability took many years of practice. In the short run, I can tell you that it made me feel immensely better just knowing that I was doing something about what made me feel bad.

Try it. Try telling yourself that the negative emotion is inside yourself and that you have power over your insides. Try to understand where the negative emotion is coming from, feel it, and then release it. Remember that it takes practice.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Does your mom know what’s going on with your sister when she’s not there?

If your mom is gone a lot, the transition from being away and being home can be hard on her, and the stress of that might make her a little more snappish than she would otherwise be. Odds are your sister is causing her stress, too.

firesale's avatar

If you can, move out and live with your other sister.

If not, have you tried joining a team or something after school? It’s a good way to build a support system and a way spend a few hours.

It really just sounds like you need to get out of the house. Like, if you saw less of your sister you’d be more patient with her. Your mom is probably just tired so she’ll lose her patience fast also.

There really isn’t a way to immediately stop “hating” someone. Strong word there, btw. That takes some time and mutual respect and patience to lessen.

Bellatrix's avatar

Great answer Jake. Vincent – the feeling I get from your post is that you are feeling resentful and perhaps used? Do you feel your mum is negating her responsibilities in terms of your sister and sort of leaving you to deal with the fallout? I think Jake is spot on in suggesting you talk to someone like a counsellor about this. It may be that the right thing for you to do is to move out. I suspect some distance from this situation would help you to feel less angry. Not easy to do though if you are in the thick of it. Whether that is the right thing to do depends on your own circumstances. Speak to someone Vincent – a school counsellor or do a search and see if there is an organisation not too far away you can go to. Sometimes – families are not easy. Just because we are related to people doesn’t mean we connect with them but it can leave us feeling very guilty when we don’t feel close to our family. I hope you work it out Vincent.

cazzie's avatar

First of all, ‘hate’ is a pretty strong word. I think the word you really want is ‘resent’. Resentment happens in relationships from time to time.

You resent your sister for getting away with being a lazy, drug-using slob. Fair enough, but does it actually hurt you? Or are you simply just letting it get to you because you know what she’s doing is wrong and you wish she would stop. If you actually hated her, you truly wouldn’t care what she did. Do you resent her because she doesn’t look after you in the absence of your mother?

I think you resent your mom for leaving for days on end. I get this big time. You certainly sound young enough to still need your mom around. She sounds like she expects your sister to step up and play mom when she’s not there and it certainly does NOT sound like she’s doing that. So, you end up resenting both of them. This makes sense and you’re not a horrible kid for feeling this way. You sound like a very normal kid to me.

If you haven’t spoken to your mom about how much you miss her when she’s gone, you should. This doesn’t make you a baby. Tell her about the practical stuff that makes you miserable and sad, because your sister isn’t stepping into the role and responsibility your mother expects.

Maybe you can sit down with your mom and sister (and a school counsellor perhaps?) and work out who is responsible for what you your mom leaves. If your sister is given certain things to do and doesn’t do them, then she can be held accountable and you’ll have something very legitimate to bring to your mother, rather than sound like a ‘tattle-tale’.

‘Stuff’ doesn’t get done by itself. There’s cleaning and laundry and meals and shopping and when your mom is gone, the structure of the house and routine goes out the window and it can leave a kid feeling pretty insecure.

I don’t think leaving is the answer (depending on your age and if you’re trying to finish school..), but perhaps trying to learn to be more independent and creating your own routines that make you feel safer and more secure. If your sister is meant to buy the groceries but doesn’t, start insisting that your mother give you half of the grocery money so you can buy your own food and cook your own meals. Learn to do the laundry and only do your own. Make sure you clean up after yourself, so when your mom returns, she can see what a slob your sister is and perhaps your mom will give her the rev-up she needs.

I don’t know if any of this helps. I’m assuming an awful lot of detail, but I hope you work it out. Just remember… you will always love your family, even though you may hate some of the things they do. What you are feeling isn’t hate for them. Sisters grow up and change and parents are only human. Having a good talk with someone and/or your mother might really help.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Move out. You say you know you can support yourself, so do so. It’s probably the only way you’re going to keep yourself from growing more and more resentful toward them both.

cazzie's avatar

@CaptainHarley he’s 13 years old. come on.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Oh. Sorry. Say again all after “good morning!” : )

Summum's avatar

Okay this is hard to cover in just a second or two. First off why are you judging anything they do? Why are you making them wrong? And why is that affecting you at all? You have created a view of the family members around you and you actually think that view is real. When your sister smokes with her boyfriend what is it you are telling yourself? This creates a view of them that is not real. You might say she is bad or wrong but is it so? No How you view them is how you will treat them and in turn how they will treat you. If you view them as family and a good mother and a good sister then you can be free of the issues you are feeling. Its really as simple as that. The world comes at you from the view you have of that world and if you change the view you change the world for yourself and those around you.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
SmashTheState's avatar

The last two lines of this poem provide your solution:

This Be The Verse
by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

misstrikcy's avatar

Make a break for it… move out! You said in your question that you ‘would’ be able to support yourself, so go for it.
Like you I had a bad relationship with both my mum and my older sister. So I left (I was 16 then)... and it was the best thing I ever did! It’s not a bad thing… just a long ‘time out.’
It took a few months for my mum to really get her head around it, but she did. Our relationship improved 100% so there were no regrets.
My relationship with my sister didn’t improve that much in itself – it never has. We dont see eye to eye even now (now we’re grown ups). It’s a shame but that’s the way it is… my gran once said, ‘you can love your family, doesn’t always mean you have to like them.’

But it was the fact that I didn’t have to spend time with her if I didn’t want to, could leave when I wanted etc etc
Being in a position where at last I could make these choices made me much happier within myself, and it made it much easier to tolerate my sister when I did go home to visit.

misstrikcy's avatar

@cazzie Oops..! I probably gave a bad answer too then… Sorry I didn’t know he was 13 either… there’s no mention of his age in the question. And I think I was typing away when you mentioned it to Capt Harley..

choreplay's avatar

You need to read the following book or listen to the cassette tapes, both are available through most libraries. Below is a description and it says it is written to women but it is still helpful to anyone dealing with anger.

The Dance of Anger

“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to” writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers. While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless.

Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating meaningful and lasting change.

gene116's avatar

You’re thirteen…find a girlfriend and you’ll forget all about it…

Meego's avatar

I think Jakes comment is spot on. When your 13 I think you recognise an emotion but have difficulties telling the difference between anger, frustration, disgust. Feeling any of these emotions is normal. It also sounds like there might not be too much guidance in your household. At the same time negative emotions don’t always sum up to hate. I think of you thought long and hard you would find that you really do love them, you just don’t love their choices and that they put you in the middle. Maybe as well you should find something else to do so you are not so focused on what the others are doing, maybe join a sports group or other after school activity, start hanging out at friends houses.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

When I was 13, I used to be filled with rage at many of my family members as well. Some of that rage wasn’t necessary and some was well-founded. I don’t know where I’m going with this other than the fact that you may not be completely wrong for feeling what you’re feeling, if at all.

Summum's avatar

There is no right or wrong about how you feel. What you do with those feelings is what counts. You are a young lad that is learning and in time you will understand much more so just give time a chance and it will come together.

MilkyWay's avatar

i don’t think you should move out my friend.
try to spend as much less time in the house with them as you can.
join a club/team or go to the park or for a walk/hike depending on where youre from…. you ge the idea.
some times we re spending so much time with someone that they start to get on our nerves.
give it some time and get away for a while. hope it gets better. xxx

aidoom7's avatar

If you feel this intense about hate, here are my recommendations.

1. See a counselor at school.
2. Ask yourself “Why do I practically hate everyone in my family?”
3. Ask your sister why she smokes and tell her to stop it.
4.Move out with your other sister.

Hope this helps!

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